My mum's coming to visit in 3 hours, I just want to cry :(

[MrsHuxtable]

We don't really get on. She's not a horrible person (I wish because then I could just stop talking to her) but very destructive and passive aggresive. She's messed my childhood and consequently my adult me up big time and I have come to the realisation that she's simply toxic.

I can't get myself to show affection to anyone in front of her. I even cancelled my originally planned wedding and got married with just a few friends because I knew I wouldn't turn up if she was there.

Now I'm 6months pregnant and she has more or less invited herself from abroad to come and stay with me for 10 days. I'm signed off sick so have no chance to escape her. I don't want her to see me with a bump and I certainly can't deal with her touching it.

She will be here in 3 hours. I really really don't know how to get through the next 10 days. She has no boundaries.

I do feel like I have a duty towards her. When I mentioned in the past how horrible she was, she defends herself by saying that she always did her best, took me on holidays and gave me everything material. She has been a kidergarten teacher for almost 40 years so she knows about the developmental stuff, in theory. But do holidays make up for the fact she used to beat me with the pipe of the hover and lock me in my room while she drove away? She seems to have completely forgotten about that part.

Towards other family members, she has always portrayed me as a "difficult child". Her sister suggested she wasn't strict enough with me.

I know I need to change because she won't. I think this will be the last time I'll let her stay in my home, simply because I can't tell hher to go into a B&B. She can't afford it and neither can we right now.

YaMaYaMa I think you might be right. Whenever she has helped me out, she makes sure that she keeps bringing it up. During my last year in school, she actually made a list of out-goings she had related to me in that year (haircut for prom, dress etc) and put it in a folder with my documents for when I went to uni. It seems absurd to me to do such a thing. she was the one who decided to have me and while she always told me, my dad wanted her to abort me and subsequently left when I was one, I have now found out that he wanted a divorce before and she tricked him by secretly not taking her pill anymore and trying to force him to stay that way.

I spent my whole life thinking my dad was the bad guy. Am not so sure anymore...

You are making excuses for her. I acted the same way towards my mother, constantly thinking of reasons to defend her behaviour.
To cut a long story short, we don't speak anymore and it's the best thing to have ever happened.
I couldn't change her but I didn't have to put up with it either. Sadly I feel I've wasted 33 years trying to get on with her and failing because she constantly knocked me back.
Having my own dc made me realise what's important. I would rather give my time to them then waste it on her!
You must stand up to her!

"But do holidays make up for the fact she used to beat me with the pipe of the hover and lock me in my room while she drove away?"

Hell, no!! She is a horrible person and I'm so sorry you had to go through this. Can you use DH's study as an excuse not to let her come again?

How far away are your half sisters and dad? If you called your Dad, told him your mum was on her way and you can't deal with her, would he invite you to stay? I'd just leave first time she said anything. Your DH can deal with the fall out. Harsh on him, but he'll find it easier than you.

Practice this

"Just fuck off"

Say it ten times in the mirror and when she starts just say it....

"Just fuck off"

And tell your DH if he values you at all to be at home as often as possible and back you up.

I would also write a list of the things she did to you as a child and pop it in her luggage before she leaves.

My family is in Germany, I'm in the UK. She's also coming from Germany. We're moving in a few weeks time and the study will be smaller.

She should be here from the airport in an hour. I will be firm. Ifs he starts to cry, that's her problem.

Do you think it would be ok to keep posting here for the next 10 days while she's here?

Couldn't she stay in a B&B or travel lodge ?
I wouldn't be happy for her to come and stay with me for 10 days.
Hell, my Mum and late MIL haven't stayed for that long and we have/had a reasonable relationship.
I don't usually stay for more than a few nights myself when we go down to DP's either.
Lots of people find that a few nights is plenty long enough !
More evidence that your boundaries need working on ( mine aren't great either ) (even though I understand that the cost of B&B is an issue) But it's your house, your life, and your body !
Good luck, maybe this visit will be an opportunity to make some progress on these issues before your baby is born.

Second Posies suggestion.

Only perhaps add at the bottom of the list 'And don't come back.'

Harsh? Yes. Here is the most worrying of all the sentences you have posted:

'I do feel like I have a duty towards her.'

You don't. It sounds as if this woman pretty much destroyed your childhood, and the repercussions are something you clearly deal with every day. Now, in her old age, she leeches off you to provide absolution - if you keep in touch with her and let her play 'mummy', she can't have been that bad, right? Only, horrible, horrible person that she is, she still can't actually treat you with proper love or respect.

So, you don't have any duty to her. None at all.

What you will have, however, is an absolutely MASSIVE duty to your baby. A duty to make sure that the kind of atmosphere never poisons their development. And a duty to yourself, to heal more than you have done, so that your young family can thrive properly.

It doesn't sound as if you have the equipment right now to do anything other than endure her visit. That's fine, you'll get through it. But please, once this horror story has gone home, get yourself into counselling asap. Find the tools to do the right and best thing for yourself and your family and get this happiness-sucker OUT of your lives.

Don't let her horrible influence affect your family and especially the precious time with your new baby. Don't let your family have her hanging over you any longer. Get rid.

When we had that last massive fight, I was staying with her. I texted my sister who phoned my dad who then phoned me with an excuse why he had to come and pick me up.

I mentioned about my mum beating me when I was little and he was shocked. I could see the oain on his face. I think he genuinely thought he left me well cared for...

Guess a B&B would be difficult to negotiate at this stage, but if she starts being rude/ disrespectful to you it could still be an option ...

She was very clever about the 10 days and I'm too soft. She said she had a week off work, so she thought she could come for a couple of days.

I said yes, eventhough I didn't want her here. My fault. The next thing I know she tells me, she has booked her flight and when I ask for dates, it's suddenly 10 days because "Ryanair flights were sooo much cheaper on those days but if that's too much I'll stay in a hotel".

She knows fine well that I know she doesn't have the money for a B&B or something. My fault for not just playing her game and saying " Oh yes, I'll find you one on the internet!"

I have learnt my lesson though.

I have an idea, from what you've said she sounds horrendous. Either be out or don't pick her up from the airport.

Do you have any siblings or does she have anyone else she could stay with?

Nope, noone here. she doesn't even speak English very well. So can't just not let her in. I will try one last time.

Sweetheart, the way she treated you as a child has put you in a position where you can't tell her to fuck off. The way she's treated you has been cruel and abusive. It is not normal.

Normal mothers don't beat their children.
Normal mothers don't try to convince their size 10 teenagers that they are fat.
Normal mothers don't call their daughters sluts for having boyfriends.
Normal mothers don't ask their 16 year olds if they enjoy fucking their boyfriend.
Normal mothers don't tell their children their father wanted them aborted.
Normal mothers don't present their children with a list of expenditure when they leave for uni.

You feel you are endebted to her because she's spent years making you feel like that. And that you're not good enough. You were a 'problem child', fat, a slut.

Look at how she deals with it when people (not surprisingly) try to leave her. She got pregnant when your father wanted to leave. When you went to uni she sent you with a list of all the money she's spent on you. When you left the country to be with your DP she told you that you'd end up penniless and on the street.

And at every step along the way she attacks you. When you leave uni and come home(?) because of illness she makes you feel like you've failed. When you prove her wrong and have a good life with your DP she says poor DP for being with you. How can you possibly win?

There will be a lot of books out there that people can recommend. Someone may bump the 'But we took you to stately homes thread' for you, which is really worth reading. In the short term, the best advice I can give is to tell your DP everything if you haven't already. Explain that you need him to be around.

After all she has done you aren't yet in a position to stand up to her, but you will be one day. There are a lot of resources out there you can access without having to pay. At some point in the future you will be able to tell her what she is and not care when she tries to turn it back on you.

The original 'stately homes' thread

My DH is going through this exact same struggle with his father. He feels he has a duty to his father, but keeps getting mistreated. His depression and self-directed anger have got so much better since we moved 2 hours away from his whole family, I can't imagine what it would do to him to have his father in our house for ten days. It would probably destroy him and then us.

If you truly honestly feel you cannot eject this toxic woman from your life, and I do truly understand the struggle from having watched DH go through it, then could you at least tell us where you are - I'm sure any local MNers would be happy to call you up with 'urgent' reasons why you need to go meet them for a coffee etc - then at least you have an escape route.

Wishing you hugs and strength - you can do this, you can. For you, for your baby, for your future.
xxx

She needs you OP, she needs to make herself feel better....

She needs you far more than you need her.

And of course you can keep posting.

When she starts being awful, as I have a feeling you won't tell her to fuck off, look mid distance as if you've remembered something and leave the room.
Get out of the house, go shopping you can even go together but keep losing her in shops, be engrossed in books and TV at home. Even in cooking, and if she criticises that smile and tell her she's a great cook so she can do the next meal.

If she starts to criticise or make plans just tune her out, when she talks about visiting say it'll be great and you'll have to get back to her. (you can always cancel later over the phone). If she talks about how awful you were as a child, just laugh and say you hope you aren't like her and that you love your child!

And I'm in Bristol.

Even if she knows you are signed off sick, things do change you know - you need to go in for the morning to help out whoever is covering for you, you have an appointment you'd forgotten about which will take a couple of hours, oh yes, and they do need you for a couple of shifts in your voluntary role.... You do not owe this woman anything and you need to protect yourself and that means finding ways of not spending the next 10 days 24/7 with her. By doing so you will feel more in control of the situation. Good luck

I'm in Oxfordshire (but near Berks), btw :-) And 28 weeks pregnant atm, so let me know if you're nearby and want to escape compare bumps!

Go to Bicester for the day and split up!!

I'm in Central Scotland unfortunately. She should be here any minute know. The door bell rang a little while ago but it was only the bathroom maintenance man.

I like the idea of wandering off mid-sentence if she starts being rude. I will get through these 10 days but I have decided that this is an issue I have to tackle in the long-term. I know I won't see her for a while after this, possibly even til next summer and I will limit phone calls as much as possible to give myself some rest.

My poor old 16year-old cat is ill as well so I'm already really anxious about that too. maybe the cat will be our main topic of conversation for my mum's stay!

You are all such an understanding bunch and I will def be back on here while she's here. I'll need it.

It sounds to me as though you almost feel guilty (and she is trying/succeeding in making you feel that way) for having got on with your life and found happiness. Criticising you as a teen and linking it to you becoming sexual is what I thought you might say - there is no greater evidence of sexual activity than a baby bump.

None of her excuses are valid. I'm a single mum too, my son's father behaved abusively - my son knows nothing of this and it would never occur to me to take it out on him.

Go for the coping strategies that other posters have suggested to get you through the next 10 days. Keep posting here, many more people than you would think have toxic mother stories - you are not alone. Your GP won't think you're a weirdo for crying he/she will just realise how much this has affected you. I had counselling via my GP, yes I had to wait a bit but it was fantastic. It changed me and the way I think.

I'm just wondering what else she would have had to do in order to be called a horrible person. Apart from hanging puppies, not a lot, frankly.

My guess is that the day you first hold your soft new little daughter in your arms you will suddenly realise how very, very bad it was to treat a child in the way in which you were treated. And then every time she does something especially precious, like coming up to you proudly holding a slightly crushed flower head or an indecipherable crayon scribble, you'll remember what happened to you when you were the same age and the words "How could she? How could she?" will echo over and over. And then you'll find the strength to tell the toxic cow where she gets off.