My mum's coming to visit in 3 hours, I just want to cry :(

[MrsHuxtable]

We don't really get on. She's not a horrible person (I wish because then I could just stop talking to her) but very destructive and passive aggresive. She's messed my childhood and consequently my adult me up big time and I have come to the realisation that she's simply toxic.

I can't get myself to show affection to anyone in front of her. I even cancelled my originally planned wedding and got married with just a few friends because I knew I wouldn't turn up if she was there.

Now I'm 6months pregnant and she has more or less invited herself from abroad to come and stay with me for 10 days. I'm signed off sick so have no chance to escape her. I don't want her to see me with a bump and I certainly can't deal with her touching it.

She will be here in 3 hours. I really really don't know how to get through the next 10 days. She has no boundaries.

Annie is right. You might find a lot more emotions get dredged up when you become a mother.

Don't let her touch your bump. Smack her hand away if she tries! it's such an invasion when someone you don't like touches your bump and you have an innate desire to protect your unborn child from the damage that your mother has done to you - you don't want it repeated on your own baby.

And really, if she plays up, tell her she is a guest in your home and if she cannot be polite to you, or treat you decently, she can fuck off to the far side of fuck and then fuck off some more.

She is HORRIBLE. Practise saying this to yourself - why on earth do you wonder why she is lonely and has no friends? Because she is bitter and twisted and says all sorts of horrible things to people all the time!

And if she really makes life indoors intolerable for you, GO OUT. She can watch tv or something. Do not allow her to imprison you in your own home with your torturer.
(God, I'm making it sound like you have Stockholm syndrome, but actually, you kinda do!)

Just skin-read the thread and I think you've done really well in deciding to get through the 10 days in any way possible, and long-term to look at the issue seriously. It takes the pressure off to act in huge ways RIGHT NOW but at the same time you've acknowledged this needs sorting out at some point, however this visit goes.

Can I just say that I sympathize massively. I remember being pregnant and how toxic people just seemed even more invasive than normal. Your protective instincts just fly up and the thought of being around anyone that awful is literally unbearable. Definitely come back and vent on here during her stay, MN is a godsend at times like this. If you really can't pack her off to a hotel, use the misery of having her here as a galvanizing force for getting this sorted long term. If you write about it here then you won't forget what it's really like. Thus you can use the shittiness of this experience to propel you into a long term plan that sorts this out once and for all.

MN is better than therapy, honest it is

Good luck!

My wedding / bump issues all go back to her having a problem with me having a bf in my teens, doesn't it? It seems logical the way Gertie has put it.

I was the only one of my friends who wasn't allowed to have a bf stay over or visit in the flat because my mum always said "If I don't have man, you sure as hell won't have one here!" As a conseqence, I spent all my free time at my bf's house. My mum even phoned his mum to tell her, she didn't want me to have a bf and to not let me into their house. Bf's mum told her I was lovely and welcome anytime. Stuff must have been said because bf's mum also tracked down my dad's number and phoned him to say my mum was being horrible to me.

It's now 12 years later and my mum still goes on about how I was never at home as soon as I hit 16. She still drops it into conversation with random strangers. In the summer, we ran into an ex neighbour and my mum was like " So then we moved to a bigger flat. Of course it was a waste of money cause MrsHuxtable got herself a bf at 15 (I was 16) and never bothered to come home again!" I thought it was weird to mention that.

She has to paint herself as the abandoned martyr and you as the feckless daughter.

She drives you out and them blames you for not being there.

If she kicks off, go to your bedroom with the laptop and get her a ticket back home. You will probably need her passport number so make sure you get hold of that early on.

She simply can't stay if she can't behave herself. It's not right that you should have to put up with her crap.

She's here. All nicey, nicey. Trying to grap my bump first thing. I said not to be so rude. Will update tonight.

Why don't you say something like your skin on your stomach has been itchy and sore and you hate having anything touching it?

I'm glad your BF's mum was on your side.

You don't owe your mum anything.
Put up with her for the 10 days, but make sure you arrange people to come and visit you every day (or as many as you can)
that way, the time spent with her will be diffused somewhat.

Go Mrs Huxtable!

Yay! Strike one! Carry on the good work. :)

Your first BF's mum sounded a) lovely and b) very worried for you - that must have been quite some feat, tracking down your Dad to let him know that you were being mistreated!

Keep remembering that you are an adult now, she can't hurt you.

Wishing you lots of inner strength.

I would try something like 'Please don't try to touch me, it makes me remember how you used to

She cant stay as your DH needs his office to work on his PhD!

good luck x

Nothing to add except that I agree 100% with everyone else!
She sounds very difficult indeed.
I hope you keep strong - for the next 10 days (and years!)
[hopeful]

MrsHuxtable - do you really want your child around this horrid woman? You don't owe her anything you know? Any time you have become more independant (The first boyfriend, the going off to uni) she has tried to ruin it for you and knock you down, mums are meant to do the opposite. They are also not meant to beat you with the hoover pipe or verbally abuse you. She will now try to spoil this moment for you too, you are about to become a mother yourself and will have this huge bond with your baby.

Have you spoken to your HV or midwife about your mum? Other posters are right, it was my HV who explained to me that having my own child may awaken all my issues regarding my parents and it truely did. Definitely ask your GP to refer you for counselling, even if you have to wait for it get your name down on the waiting list.

If she goes too far tell her! I'm glad to hear you have told her not to touch your bump, it will be hard but keep up on telling her when she is inappropriate.

You could always say "I'm sorry, I really don't like people touching my bump" if you were finding it difficult to say to her and wanted to generalise things a bit
( An easy way out, but hopefully with the desired effect of no touching ! )

Good luck OP. Keep posting...

Day 2:

Thanks for your messages. We had the first major drama this morning. My mum turned up at my bed, half in tears, announcing that she wanted to go home early because of my attitude. I asked her to elaborate and she explained that she can't stand the way I'm speaking to DH, how I'm making him do ALL the housework (the phrase "poor poor husband" was used again) and that I'm not making her feel welcome. She feels like she's in the way. Also she cannot tolerate our level of tidy/untidyness because we have a flat inspection today.

Well, I told her that she knew before she came that I have been sick for ages and still am. That there is no entertainment program and that she is the one with the bad attitude.

For example: Last night, one of my half-sisters phoned me and I mentioned afterwards that due to other half-sisters birthday, my dad, their mum (he's divorced from her as well), my half-sisters and their bfs are going out for dinner. My mum had a hissy fit, going on about why our dad is taking them for dinner and why my sister wasn't hosting anything for them. Well, I said, we always go out for dinner at our bdays. She then went on how she wasn't invited when it was my turn. I said that it might have been because she refuses to speak a single word to my dad or be in the same room with him whereas my sisters' mum and him are still friends. She's just so jealous of anything that my sisters or his 2nd ex wife "get".

I also have a pic of my sisters as a desktop background which she spotted this morning. They are 16, 18 and 22 and beautiful girls. She looked at the picture and the only thing she had to say that she thought one of them had weird skin, something wrong with her pigments. Aehm, no there's nothing wrong with any of their skin.

To be honest, I haven't made much of an effort. I didn't cook last night. DH was late so I just made some frozen pizza but she knew I wasn't well and can't deal with food before I came. She could have offered to help out but a ll she did was take up 3/4 of the sofa and to top it of, she took my sick old cat's hot water bottle from her to use for herself.

Her saying she was going home early was just another one of her ways to feel sorry for herself.

I told her, that it's her problem if she can't stand having a flat inspection with our mess (the flat is spottlessly clean btw, it's just that we have piles of books lying about that don't fit into the shelves and the clotheshorse is in the living room. The letting agent doesn't care about that, they are here to ensure we don't trash the place, keep massive dogs etc...

I will no doubt be back at some point today to vent some more.

oh my god!
:(

poor you.
what's wrong with your DH doing all the housework? mine does!

Just keep ignoring her - you're doing great.

in your situation MrsH, I'd be very tempted to 'turn up the volume' be extra mean to hubby...make even less efforts, act even more ill than you feel, let her get her own food.
I think you could potentially shoehorn her out of your place well before the 10 days is up
good luck!!!

I think you should honour her wishes and send her home!

The thing is, her English isn't good. She doesn't even understand 90% DH and I are saying to each other, so I'm not sure where she gets the mean aspect from.

As for the housework, yes, DH does do the majority but that is because he's fast and he doesn't mind doing it whereas I hate it and take much longer. She's only seen him for an hour last night and 30 mins this morning, in which time there was no housework either.

Maybe I should stop looking for rational explanations of what I'm doing wrong because clearly, to her, I can't do anything right.

Of course our chosen baby name is horrible as well and she's very forthcoming to offer alternatives even though she knows we settled on a name months ago.