In such a mess here I can't see clearly anymore please tell me WWYD x

[Shambles40]

Hello.
I'm in a real mess here and would really appreciate a bit of honest advise.
Dh and I are living a complete fake life.
We have been married 20 years and have 4 Dc aged 18 15 8 and 1.
We have a nice house , 2 cars and both have good jobs.
I have lots of genuine and lovely friends.
I've been unhappy for many years and asked DH for a split many many times.
When we met at 19 we were completely different people to the people we are now.
I'm being completely honest now but all we have in common is our lovely children.
We have sex on average once or twice a year, always initiated by me.
the last time we had sex was when I conceived dd who is now 16 months.
all my friends think he is so good looking and lovely but I just don't find him attractive anymore because he feels more like a friend / brother to me these days.
Anyway after ds 8 years ago I realised I could never get out of the relationship because he refused point blank to leave so I made myself a promise - that I would never let our baby hear us argue or show the bitterness we now both harboured in front of him.
I can't say my husband abused me because I was just as horrid back to him, but always bit my Tongue in front of dc, even sitting in the car with my baby for hours some evenings until we both could return to the same room and be civil.
Since dd was born we can't even be civil to each other.
it's got nasty and every night now he mumbles under his breath horrible things, but loud enough for dc to hear.
he knows that upsets me more than anything.
I have begged him to leave but he won't go.
yes I could go but he won't pay the mortgage and then well all be homeless.
I have to be realistic. . . I have a job locally and am well known in the community in a professional capacity. I cannot just walk out with 4 dc in tow and shack up in a flat . my parents are not an option, my mother will or would be more traumatised what people think if we split up and prob won't speak to me for years.
my DH came from a family where his parents had a mainly non intimate relationship and his father had his own bedroom most of their marriage. he saw this as normal.
I can't bare him even touching me now. When he brushes past me I want to scream.
It's been really awful for probably 6 months.
We speak when we have to and apart from that neither of us can bare being in the same room.
I feel like I'm watching my dc inner spirit get sucked out and it's killing me.They just hear us bicker every night and this will be what they base their future relationships on.
Now if I have to I will be strong again and pretend eveything is ok JUST FOR THEM. DH wants this and when I told him I really don't love him he just shrugged his shoulders and said I should try to for the dc. I can continue to pretend outside the house and start pretending inside again if it's for the best.
That will be hard.
Or I can insist we separate and initially wreck my dc and his life, maybe just because I'm after something that doesn't exist anyway ?
would I be doing it purely because I think I'd have a relationship one day which might be better ?
Is what we have normal for some ?
I DO have feelings for him because we've been together over 20 years and he's a fabulous father of my 4 dc. however I have no sex life and he has never once taken me out, told me I'm pretty or gone out with a friend. He has no friends goes nowhere and just wants to come shopping with me for his trip out !I want to feel something with someone one day and even if I don't I really rea
Ly don't want my dc thinking what we have is normal because the lack of any affection between us is horrid.
Would I cope as a single parent ? he says not. Shit I can't even change a lightbulb ! The thought of nights up alone with sick children terrifies me because we have always done everything together even though I'm always the one who makes any sort of decision .
Give me some strength to at least pretend I'm happy in front of the children . maybe a few home truths ? they come first so I must change something x

Once the decision is made that's the hardest part really. Everything else will come together eventually. You need to see a solicitor to find out the first steps. Don't be surprised if he starts to dig his heels in and be difficult. He has been used to you not standing up for yourself, so it will be a shock for him to realise you mean it.

I'm so glad you have come back, after the thread becoming rather hi-jacked.

Yes I can relate to what you say, as my Dad beat me a lot as a child and I think I put up with far more than I should have in my marriage. Although I was only married for 7 years. I was so afraid to end things and mumsnet helped me to find the strength to do so. Which is why I wanted to post on your thread when I read it. I do not spend as much time in relationships on mumsnet as I once did, as my two DCs keep me busy these days WWIFN was a huge help to me when she was about. My original thread was here, a bit different from your story but the advice I received was fantastic.

As scarey said the hardest part is choosing to end it.

Please keep posting and hopefully you'll receive the type of support I did. You can always pm me anytime as well.

A great book that you may find helpful to read when the dust settles is Melodie Beattie Co Dependant No More.

I'm glad you're back, Shambles, and that you feel you've learned something from the thread.

I really would urge you to get counselling in view of your own family background and some of your previous decisions. And to remember that your husband evidently loves your children and they probably love him, as you say he is a fabulous father. If you do split up, it will have to be handled very carefully for their sakes.

Once you realise that you have the right to make a choice, and you know what you want, the next step becomes easier as you feel you have to do it in order to move forward.
You have been very passive, but I can relate to that. In my old relationship I wanted to stick my head in the sand at various points, and make him just disappear at others. But with support (and a few home truths) I saw that I had to end it, and eventually did. To say that life has improved would be an understatement
My father was also a bully btw.

As was - and is - mine. Therapy OP - a lot of it, on your own. Years I mean, proper therapy, as some of us have had to due to primary, and very damaging, relationships. If money is an issue, you can access good therapy through eg womens organisations for a very low fee.

so as it happens I do understand the inability to make decisions, the complete lack of confidence in anything at all. Your father/parents have no doubt left you with a very damaging legacy, please do everything you can to make sure you minimise the impact of that on your children. Don't use them for anything at all, particularly emotional support - our children are not meant to give that to us: if (?) you had that in your childhood it will be hard not to visit that on your own children, but don't. It is extremely damaging for them.

In the privacy of the therapy room, please tell the truth - to yourself, if not your therapist as your learn to trust them. Be as honest as you possibly can. it will take time - as you may be so used, from the core, to not telling yourself the truth - but it is essential to do all you can to stop and uproot the legacy that may have been handed to you from being handed on to your children.

it may take a long time to turn the ocean liner around and to get it powering in a healthy direction, to take responsibility and not blame, armed with the facts; but turning that wheel is a start and a must - do it for your children if you don't have, or lose, the impetus to do it for yourself. There are many books around that help to address dysfunctional ways of relating, not least the many books on codependency (good link above). Some experts argue that codependency addiction is at the root of all addictions btw re a lot of other addictions spawn off it.

I wish you all the best, that the revelations you receive along the way, though sometimes painful, open up your world, giving you what you never dreamed you could have - freedom to make your own healthy choices and to benefit from them, which will automatically benefit your children.

OP, I know you you feel - it's as if you have disappeared and cease to be an individual capable of taking control and making decisions - but you can do it. Start thinking 'I'. 'I' will do this. 'I' will do that. It then becomes easier.

How are things Shambles?