Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Should I just give up work..?

54 replies

Toomuchtimeonmyhands · 25/10/2011 09:13

Hi everyone,

I'm a total newbie so hello all - and go easy on me :)

I have 3 children who are all at school. I work full time as does my OH. However, like most of us(!) I also do all the stuff around the house. My OH is very good in that he'll pay for someone to come in and clean (yay!) but he doesn't seem to understand that although that's fantastic (don't mean to sound ungrateful - I know many of you have to do everything yourselves!) there are still so many other things to be done i.e. cooking, taking kids to school, arranging childcare for after school when I have to work late, fixing the washing machine when it collapses yet again etc. etc. etc.

After so many years of fighting about it, I feel like I have to just accept that my OH is not going to do anything otherwise I'll go mad! I've tried everything - asking nicely, leaving everything (we once went 3 weeks without soap in the bathroom until I gave in!), nagging, threatening divorce etc. but nothing seems to shift him beyond a few token efforts which dry up after a week or so.

The thing is he earns a lot more money than I do. And as long as we're careful - we could afford for me to give up work. So I'm thinking - should I just accept that actually I'm very lucky to have the luxury to choose whether or not to work and give up so I can do everything around the house and not feel completely stressed out and resentful..? Or am I being pathetic to give up something I love doing just because my OH won't take the rubbish out occasionally..?

I'm not completely opposed to being a SAHM as there are lots of things that I try to fit in now around work and I have friends locally - so with the kids at school I don't think I'd feel too trapped. But I worry that if I give up my job now it'll be very hard for me to work later as the field I'm in doesn't look to kindly on people who've been out of the job market for a long time...

What do you guys think..? Have any of you just given up the struggle or am I being a wimp..?!

Thank you for all your help - I feel better just writing it down!

TMTOMH x

OP posts:
SolidGoldVampireBat · 25/10/2011 09:14

FFS don't give up work or your H will give up treating you as anything other than a fuckable domestic appliance and you will start to believe that's all you are. You'd be better off giving up on the marriage, because you are married to a man who really doesn't consider women human.

ladyintheradiator · 25/10/2011 09:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

recall · 25/10/2011 09:19

Go part time ?

recall · 25/10/2011 09:20

SolidGoldVampireBat that was SO well put.

ladyintheradiator · 25/10/2011 09:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

UnlikelyAmazonian · 25/10/2011 09:29

Absolutely do NOT give up work. Shock

You have options here:

Option a] Tell your dh that you won't do everything anymore as it's making you ill, and since he is not 'able' to help around the house more Hmm, you have advertised for a live-in au pair. A male.

Option b] Simply do not do anything for DH. Don't put his washing on, don't make any of his food, don't have sex with him, smile and chat with him but do absolutely nothing for him. If the washing machine breaks, order a brand new one on the internet paid for on his card and arrange for the busted one to be taken away by the local council.

Option c] Deliberately break both your legs and see how he copes then. I suspect he would do nothing, in which case, when you have recovered, you know it's time to leave him to go stinky and thin on his ickle own. Twunt.

C4ro · 25/10/2011 09:33

If you still want to work and don't want to give that up you need to find a way to force some co-operation from your DH or make your own life bearable. If that means cleaners/ ironing service/aupair- whatever and make it clear it's because he's opting out of doing his fair share. The lazy shite.

If you really want to SAHM, then equally, go for that too. The "being careful" thing sounds like there could be a lot of stress and resentment on that path though as you've an idle DH that doesn't see household stuff as his business, cash will be tighter and you'll be giving up work that you say you love.

Pancakeflipper · 25/10/2011 09:39

I would get a cleaner and make your DP pay for it informing him the cleaner is doing his share of the household duties.

Actually that is what I did cos' I was fed up nagging and getting cross at his household chore blindness after too many years. My DP will do anything to escape housework. And I only work part-time...

PeppermintPumpkin · 25/10/2011 09:41

With a man like this around the house, you will have nothing but grief heaped upon yourself if you give up work. He'll have even less reason to do anything as -Oh look! My DW is at home all the time and now must surely stop nagging me about jobs around the house as SHE can do it. After all, being a SAHM isn't work is it!!

Go part time. Best of both.

recall · 25/10/2011 09:43

How about getting him to pay for more help

AnyPhantomFucker · 25/10/2011 09:45

christ on a bike, don't give up work

you need to retain your independence and earning power for when you get terminally sick of this lazy twat, and decide to dump him

or, considering his attitude towards what women are for he decides to trade you in for a younger and more willing model

fiventhree · 25/10/2011 09:47

I went part time, but it didnt solve the problem for me.

It did create a few more, mind you, in terms of skill deficits and being taken for granted at work as well as home because part timers are seen as less important/invisible/uncommitted in some jobs.

Even if you have a cleaner, there are still lots of things to do in the evenings and weekends and you dont have to do them all!

cestlavielife · 25/10/2011 10:40

dont give up work - do get more paid help.

get an au pair.

in five or ten years time when kids older and doing their own thing - where will you be?

jumpyjack · 25/10/2011 10:43

Don't give up work whatever you do. I was so grateful that I was financially independent that I could finally end my marriage to my equally lazy, self-centred husband.
You know what, in the past year since he moved out, a number of people have asked me how I manage home, the children and work. The reality is I don't have a single additional job to do since he left - not a one.
But I now get days and nights off when he's got the children, and I have my wonderful evenings to myself and weekends with the children without tension and arguments, without being described as a nag for asking him to be an equal in what I thought was a partnership. He was never going to step up. Don't give up the work.

PeppermintPumpkin · 25/10/2011 11:11

^ What jumpyjack said ^ Great post jj*

Charbon · 25/10/2011 12:06

Do not, under any circumstances, give up work.

Whenever I read threads like this, I always think that there's a much bigger problem than laziness and selfishness.

Your husband has seen how unhappy this makes you, but he carries on doing nothing. What this suggests is that he is complacent and not sufficiently invested in your relationship. Love is an action and he's not demonstrating it at all. Start looking at this from the perspective that not only is your husband lazy and selfish, he just doesn't love you enough. I know that's tough to read, but if you think about this logically, someone who loved you wouldn't repeatedly cause this level of unhappiness.

VioletNotViolent · 25/10/2011 12:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GreenBlueRed · 25/10/2011 12:15

You could try one last sit down, serious, tv off talk with him, where you have prepared a list of all the jobs that need doing in your life and home, big and small, and talk through what each of you are going to do from the list. You tell him that you have no intention of giving up work, but since you are a partnership and a family, and you choose to become so together, that you need to work together to create the solutions. Work out which jobs the children can do, which he will do, and which you will do, which ones you can afford to pay someone else to do and how often. Write them down and agree it all. Then DON'T DO ANY OF HIS JOBS!!! If the lazy, selfish, entitled bastard still doesn't step up to the mark, at least you know what you're dealing with and can decide your future accordingly.

Squitten · 25/10/2011 12:17

I don't see that this has anything to do with your work. I'm a SAHM and my DH still does his bit around this house or else!

This is about you making your stand and demanding that he steps up to the mark. You sound very passive to me

CailinDana · 25/10/2011 12:19

Sorry I have to agree with everyone else. Giving up work is not the solution. If you really wanted to give up work then I'd say great, go for it, but giving it up to suit your lazy husband will only cause you terrible heartache in the long run.

Time for a very serious chat I think.

TalesOfTheUnexpected · 25/10/2011 13:22

I agree with the majority here. Do not give up your job. You will most probably end up resentful and taken for granted even more.

I also firmly see what jumpyjack is saying. I chose to throw the ex out, was left on my own with 3 kids. I'm not working but...I can honestly say life is easier! Having my ex around was like having a 4th kid. Having to nag him to do every.little.thing. I hated him in the end.

Now I do most of my own home repairs, and when I meet something beyond my capabilities, I get in a "man that can".

Don't let his laziness make you sacrifice your job. Just don't. I tried everything you tried, ignoring, pleading, nagging, negotiating, giving up my job. He never, ever, ever changed.

Ephiny · 25/10/2011 13:36

Don't give up work. You're very lucky to have a job you love, not many people can say that. And if it's in a field that would be difficult to get back into later, then you definitely don't want to give up for a reason like this. It would be different if you positively wanted to be a SAHM and felt that was the best thing for your family all round. But doesn't sound like that's the case here.

And I don't think it'll solve your problems at home (nor will going part time). You'll just end up doing even more domestic work. Presumably being 'careful' would include not having the cleaner any more, for example? The only thing that would fix this situation is a change in your DHs attitude. Unfortunately that doesn't look likely :(

I think you're wrong that he 'doesn't seem to understand' that things need doing. Surely he's aware that the children need to get to school, that meals don't cook themselves, the shopping doesn't appear by magic, there are no little elves who fix the washing machine. He just doesn't want to do it, and doesn't see why he should. He thinks that's what wives are for.

SolidGoldVampireBat · 25/10/2011 13:40

This fucker understands perfectly well what needs doing round the house. But he thinks it's women's work. He considers you his servant OP, because he has a penis and you do not.
This attitude is never going to change. Honestly, have a serious think about whether you want to stay married to someone who really really thinks of you as a well-trained domestic animal, something that exists to service him and for him to have sex on.

ImperialBlether · 25/10/2011 13:49

I don't understand what you mean when you say he is paying for the cleaner (and you are grateful!) Surely it comes out of joint money?

Clearly, given his lack of physical contribution, you need the cleaner to come in more regularly. You probably need to get the ironing done outside the home, too, if that's taking up a lot of your time.

Do your shopping online and stick as much as possible to the same list, so that it saves you time when re-ordering.

Have a takeaway delivered mid-week.

Do the above but don't, DON'T give up your job. It's your way of earning money, being independent, having friends outside the home, and not spending too much time on housework. It gives you self respect. You enjoy it.

It's crazy to think of stopping work once your children are in school so that you can do the housework your husband refuses to do.

ImperialBlether · 25/10/2011 13:50

And don't say "We can't afford more cleaning hours" if you can clearly afford to stop work.