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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Should I just give up work..?

54 replies

Toomuchtimeonmyhands · 25/10/2011 09:13

Hi everyone,

I'm a total newbie so hello all - and go easy on me :)

I have 3 children who are all at school. I work full time as does my OH. However, like most of us(!) I also do all the stuff around the house. My OH is very good in that he'll pay for someone to come in and clean (yay!) but he doesn't seem to understand that although that's fantastic (don't mean to sound ungrateful - I know many of you have to do everything yourselves!) there are still so many other things to be done i.e. cooking, taking kids to school, arranging childcare for after school when I have to work late, fixing the washing machine when it collapses yet again etc. etc. etc.

After so many years of fighting about it, I feel like I have to just accept that my OH is not going to do anything otherwise I'll go mad! I've tried everything - asking nicely, leaving everything (we once went 3 weeks without soap in the bathroom until I gave in!), nagging, threatening divorce etc. but nothing seems to shift him beyond a few token efforts which dry up after a week or so.

The thing is he earns a lot more money than I do. And as long as we're careful - we could afford for me to give up work. So I'm thinking - should I just accept that actually I'm very lucky to have the luxury to choose whether or not to work and give up so I can do everything around the house and not feel completely stressed out and resentful..? Or am I being pathetic to give up something I love doing just because my OH won't take the rubbish out occasionally..?

I'm not completely opposed to being a SAHM as there are lots of things that I try to fit in now around work and I have friends locally - so with the kids at school I don't think I'd feel too trapped. But I worry that if I give up my job now it'll be very hard for me to work later as the field I'm in doesn't look to kindly on people who've been out of the job market for a long time...

What do you guys think..? Have any of you just given up the struggle or am I being a wimp..?!

Thank you for all your help - I feel better just writing it down!

TMTOMH x

OP posts:
coffeeinbed · 25/10/2011 13:50

No.

babyhammock · 25/10/2011 13:50

Love SG's comments on this subject. So true

and for him to have sex on. yup

SheCutOffTheirTails · 25/10/2011 13:54

Do not give up a job you love so you can be this lazy fucker's skivvy.

Well, you're already his skivvy, but at least you have some other stuff going on in your life.

Chestnutx3 · 25/10/2011 14:04

Don't give up work (speaking as a SAHM that feels like a slave but is returning to work soon even though financially I don't need to at all)

My DH does little of the domestic/drudgery type roles and only does other stuff if I tell him/nag him. DH has a few assigned jobs - washing up, putting out the rubbish, all the DIY stuff. He doesn't always does it and gets shouted out when he doesn't. Dh has regarded our first proper half term (eldest started school) as that he does nothing at home anymore as I am at home all day with the kids with no school runs or clubs (sigh).

Pay somebody else to do it or become more organised and let other things slip. If you find the secret to get your DH to do some of the daily grind let me know.

SolidGoldVampireBat · 26/10/2011 22:34

OP, I am always telling people to read this and it is incredibly depressing reading. Because it reads as so fresh and contemporary and real - and it was written NEARLY 50 YEARS AGO.

MedusaIsHavingABadHairDay · 26/10/2011 22:53

SGVB...

I am saving that! it could have been written today.. :(

coldandtired · 26/10/2011 23:00

If you love your job, and want to work but are seriously thinking that you might have to give it up to deal with, let's say, household management, then where is the luxury of your choice?

What does your DH say about it in the abstract? If you asked him whether, given that you both work full time, he thinks you should be doing all the household/organisation stuff, would he say yes? In which case, perhaps it's hopeless. If he does agree in principle that you should be sharing the daily grind, maybe you need to stop enabling him: soap in the bathroom is, honestly, quite a trivial issue, what would happen if there were no washing machine, the kids didn't make it to school one day etc? My DH very much agrees that we should share this stuff 50/50 in principle, but, for example, it took him missing a couple of really important work appointments because neither of us had arranged childcare for him to start taking taking a more proactive role in the organisational bit.

MysteriousHamster · 26/10/2011 23:22

If he won't do anything, but you have enough money that you could afford to lose your salary, start outsourcing as much as you can - cleaning, ironing, maintenance, gardening - all of it. Make your life as easy as possible, because he's certainly not going to help you in any other way.

buzzskeleton · 26/10/2011 23:28

Crikey, if he brings nothing but his money and his cock to the table, then really ... you can manage ... and there are other cocks.

AnnieLobeseder · 26/10/2011 23:33

Anything I have to say has already been said by everyone else. No, most of us don't work full time and then do all the domestic chores as well. Only doormats or women married to total dicks.

If you want to be a SAHM, well that's fine, as long as it's truly what you want. But FFS don't give up your career for no reason other than you're married to a lazy arse who doesn't do his share.

If he won't do it, pay someone who will.

allagory · 26/10/2011 23:48

When you threaten divorce, tell him you won't be taking the kids with you. I always find that one particularly effective.

MamaChoo · 27/10/2011 08:52
  1. Agree with Green - he needs to have specific tasks which are his.

2, my 3 year old changes the loo rolls in our house! Why are your three school age children not replacing soap, emptying dishwasher etc?

  1. Agree it is a pain if you are always the short-stop - ie the person who has to deal with taking car to garage, emergency childcare, broken appliances etc. Thing to do is be very organised with these things: have a list of preferred tradespeople before anything goes wrong, know who you can call on each day of week for children. More effective than getting stressed.
  1. If you can afford to give up work, you can afford to get someone in to prepare meals and freeze them one day a week.
  1. Dont give up job!
Original poster
Toomuchtimeonmyhands · 27/10/2011 19:43

Hello again everyone,

Crikey, you're all pretty unanimous about that one then :)

Thank you so much for all your answers. Lots of good ideas! And you really made me laugh too. And I like the idea of talking about outsourcing our domestic tasks - maybe he'll finally get it if I talk in a language he understands!

And you're right - I need to get the kids to do more as well. It's one of my biggest worries that my children are going to grow up to be just like us - and I don't want to be responsible for unleashing yet more useless men on the unsuspecting wives of tomorrow :)

TMTOMH x

OP posts:
ScareyFairenuff · 27/10/2011 20:53

Actually I think there is a more important issue here than housework. Your OH does not listen to you, show you respect or even care how you feel about the uneven workload. I would not hire anyone to do his share, let him organise that himself.

I would not do any of his washing or cook for him or clean up after him until he was prepared to take my views seriously and do something about it. And I would let him know that I was extremely pissed off at his selfish and lazy attitude. And if none of that gets through to him, I would leave him to fend for himself.

Yama · 27/10/2011 21:45

Well, everything has been said but I wanted to reiterate that most women DONT do everything. Even when when I was on my maternity leaves my dh did half/most of the housework. It's NOT women's work. I'm bringing both of my dc up with that as their mantra.

jumpyjack · 28/10/2011 09:26

I agree with Scarey. This is bigger than allocating jobs. I know it's hard to face up to, but outsourcing and getting the kids to pick up the slack etc is just papering over a relationship lacking in equality and respect. You may be able to improve things for a few weeks or a few months by finding ways to cover up for what he's not doing and how it makes you feel, but I'd be surprised if resentment doesn't start to creep in. He doesn't care how this makes you feel and you've got tthe sole responsibility for making sure his shortcomings don't affect everyone else in the family. That's not something a caring, equal partner would do.

catsrus · 28/10/2011 10:24

I'm in the 'don't give up work' camp too - I almost did, after the birth of no.3 when his bonuses were bigger than anything I could expect to earn - and then there was one tiny remark from him about how HE brought in the income.. red flag. and I vowed never to be dependent on him - to always be able to support myself and the DCs if need be, so to keep my skill set up and my cv interesting!

He paid for 'help' to do 'his' bit in the house (in his mind) but there was no-one to share those other thing you mention - he never once went to a parents evening [hhmm].

I will never earn at his level - but would never want to tbh - but when he left us for the OW (after 24 yrs) just after I'd been made redundant [hshock] I knew I had marketable skills and a network of contacts and that we would be OK.

Charbon · 28/10/2011 11:58

I said upthread that there was more to this than just laziness and selfishness. Getting a cleaner won't change this man's lack of investment in the relationship.

StrongLikeAnOak · 28/10/2011 22:20

NO NO and NO don't give up work! you have no idea what is in front of you. Years of happy marriage or getting divorced or your OH having an accident and you really needing the money.

Also by doing that you are in effect telling him that HW is your responsability not his. What about the dcs, are they also your own responsability and not his???
I would much more suggest to go awayfor a good week and leave him in full charge of the dcs. When you come back stop enabling him. Give him the responsability to deal with the dishwasher. No one is coming to repair ir? Let him do the washing up.
The only reason why he doen't feel he has to pull his weight is because you let him to do so.

smallwhitecat · 28/10/2011 22:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Dozer · 29/10/2011 07:16

Another don't give uo work! Yor dh can then say that domestic stuff is your job, that he pays for everything and needs a break, can't possible help. Not to mention it'd be disastrous for family and personal finances, pension etc.

I work pt and have encountered some of the problems another poster mentions, ft better if you can handle it, although hard. Am thinking when kids are school age of trying to do 5 short days, eg 6 hours, so can do afternoon pickups.

"He" is paying for a cleaner and you're grateful - come on, get some balls! It's family money and you work too. And the main reason you need a cleaner is that he's lazy. Agree with others, if dh won't help, buy in more help until he does. Ironing services, online shopping, cleaner twice a week, expensive ready meals, odd-job person, etc etc. au pair if you have space.

Agree too that it's indicative of wider disrespect for you. And by threatening but not carrying through you've shown that he can get away with it all and you will put up with it.

Tell him that X, Y and Z, proper big areas not silly stuff like soap replacing, are now his responsibility. Maybe give him admin like dealing with school stuff, bills, maintenance etc. then if he doesn't do it, let him deal with the consequences, eg he can pick up kids if he hasn't booked the childcare. Or washing, and if it's not done and kids don't have uniforms, again he can deal with consequences. I would retain control of vital stuff like insurance and stuff you'll find stressful if goes wrong.

Lizzabadger · 29/10/2011 07:43

Don't give up work. Consider divorce. In the meantime, male au pair chosen on basis of hotness.

JamieComeHome · 29/10/2011 07:49

I was a SAHM for 10 years and didn't do everything. Now I work, DH does more than he used to (I used to do all the cooking).

JamieComeHome · 29/10/2011 07:49

sorry, so don't give up work. Only if you hate your job (which you don't)

JamieComeHome · 29/10/2011 07:51

I also agree that going away fro a week is a good idea. And leave a list of everything that you would do during that time.

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