Should I just give up work..?

[Toomuchtimeonmyhands]

Hi everyone,

I'm a total newbie so hello all - and go easy on me :)

I have 3 children who are all at school. I work full time as does my OH. However, like most of us(!) I also do all the stuff around the house. My OH is very good in that he'll pay for someone to come in and clean (yay!) but he doesn't seem to understand that although that's fantastic (don't mean to sound ungrateful - I know many of you have to do everything yourselves!) there are still so many other things to be done i.e. cooking, taking kids to school, arranging childcare for after school when I have to work late, fixing the washing machine when it collapses yet again etc. etc. etc.

After so many years of fighting about it, I feel like I have to just accept that my OH is not going to do anything otherwise I'll go mad! I've tried everything - asking nicely, leaving everything (we once went 3 weeks without soap in the bathroom until I gave in!), nagging, threatening divorce etc. but nothing seems to shift him beyond a few token efforts which dry up after a week or so.

The thing is he earns a lot more money than I do. And as long as we're careful - we could afford for me to give up work. So I'm thinking - should I just accept that actually I'm very lucky to have the luxury to choose whether or not to work and give up so I can do everything around the house and not feel completely stressed out and resentful..? Or am I being pathetic to give up something I love doing just because my OH won't take the rubbish out occasionally..?

I'm not completely opposed to being a SAHM as there are lots of things that I try to fit in now around work and I have friends locally - so with the kids at school I don't think I'd feel too trapped. But I worry that if I give up my job now it'll be very hard for me to work later as the field I'm in doesn't look to kindly on people who've been out of the job market for a long time...

What do you guys think..? Have any of you just given up the struggle or am I being a wimp..?!

Thank you for all your help - I feel better just writing it down!

TMTOMH x

Fgs don't give up work!

If anything 'you need to be increasing your earning power. Worst case scenario and the marriage breaks up, how would you cope?

Sounds like you have resigned yourself to earning much less, and having 'the less important job and you need to turn things around, not give in and become a full time skivvy

I have had the same screaming frustrations. The practical solution would be to pay for all the help as Imperial says - provided your wages cover it then why not - you can employ a full or part time sensible housekeeper / nanny / wonder woman or an army of part time cleaners (I had 8 hours a week at one point - coming in twice a week just to tidy up!), gardeners, life organisers even.. who can do all the jobs that you can't fit in (you will have to organise them all yourself of course). I don't see why you should ask his permission - just say - that is what you are going to do as its the only way you can manage short of giving up work.

It will allow you to have a life while doing the job you enjoy and which keeps you independent.

But is the practical solution going to solve the problem or is the real issue that he won't bloody well pull his weight or that you don't want to waste your money on a bunch of people which you would not need if he helped a bit more .. and it is that is making you think twice?

You have to ask yourself - would you feel fine about everything if you had that army of external help or would your feelings just stay the same?

By the way it is only very recently - after over 10 years of marriage and nagging - and after my husband has finally realised .. that our marriage is falling apart .. and has started to believe that I might actually divorce him - that he has started picking up his dirty knickers and putting them in the laundry basket.

SGVB thanks for that article, very interesting and amusing if it weren't so infuriating!

OP - I do agree with some others that your issues with your DP go deeper than who takes the bins out and who buys groceries. It seems that you're annoyed with his view of you as domestic help with benefits for him.

I'd say don't give up work if you do enjoy it, you working in a job you like is a good message to yourself, to him and to your kids.

FWIW, I'm a SAHM as it suits our family and paying childcare fees would mean we'd actually be down money each month. But, DH doesn't treat me like a skivvy and if he did I'd be down on him like a tonne of bricks. He does his fair share and doesn't moan about having to work all week etc. Being a SAHM can be good, but not in all cases and it depends on the people and their circumstances.

Hello again,

I've not been on for a week and found yet more lovely comments and stories :) Although I'm still feeling completely depressed having read the article that SGVB pointed us too and recognising the same ole excuses are still going strong 40 years on..!

On the other hand, it was very heartening to hear from those of you whose partners do actually do stuff around the house. I think part of my problem is that many of my friends are in a similar situation as me so I end up thinking it's just the way it is and I have to learn to deal. So if nothing else it's been good to have a virtual slap around the chops to remind myself that, no, I do not have to put up with it and I should stop being such a lame-arse - is that even a word?!

So thank you all. As I'm writing this, the pots from dinner are lying in the kitchen and I'M NOT GOING TO MOVE THEM - I feel a step closer to liberation already :)

TMTOMH x