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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Having a crap night......same old crap.... need to talk on MN

69 replies

SackAche · 27/12/2005 00:05

DH.. arse as usual. Arguement tonight ended in him threatening to hit me with a pyrex jug. Then when my friend phoned in the midst of it and I told her he leftin the car saying it was all over (again....as usual) and that he hoped I was very happy in my new fucking house 'psycho'.

He left at 6pm. My friend came around at 9'30pm as H pulled up in a taxi STEAMIN. He came in, smoked a fag then went in and passed out.

Merry fucking Christmas eh?

He has his Counselling appointment on 9th Jan. I now it'll help, but what until then?????????????????????

OP posts:
glitterfairyonachristmastree · 27/12/2005 00:09

Cant you get him out? Why should you put up with this? Hard I know but worse to live with. He shouldnt be allowed to threaten you or make you scared.

Heathcliffscathy · 27/12/2005 00:09

sackach

have missed all the run up to this.

really sorry you're having a crap time.

v v shocked by the pyrex jug thing

MrsSpoon · 27/12/2005 00:10

Hope you can work things out. The jug thing is just not on.

merrySOAPBOXingday · 27/12/2005 00:13

You shouldn't put up with this kind of crap - but I suspect you know this already!

Really, you are worth much more than this and are throwing your life away on a wastrel!

It isn;t good enough, not by a long shot!!!!

PrincessPlumPuddingHead · 27/12/2005 00:14

oh god that sounds bad toothy. I'm so sorry. I don't know what to say.

PrincessPlumPuddingHead · 27/12/2005 00:15

I must say I think I agree with soapbox - you are so strong and the main carer/breadwinner, you don't seem to have had a good or trusting relationship with him for ages, he is clearly going over the edge into violence - I think you need to think about what you are getting out of this relationship and where you think it is going.

Original poster
SackAche · 27/12/2005 00:16

Ah,.. tried to keep him out many times.... unless I change the locks he can get in. Can't change the locks on Boxing day.

No it's not on..... but he's got the appointment at the Counsellor on 9th Jan coz he's KNOWS he's acting like a twat. But tonight was another example ofit. What can I do? He's going to the GP like I asked.......I don;t know what to do.

He's lying passed out the sofa at the moment, sonce 10pm tonight.

OP posts:
PrincessPlumPuddingHead · 27/12/2005 00:18

Its not good enough him knowing he is acting like a twat if he keeps doing it. But you know that.

Well as far as tonight is concerned if he is that pissed he will probably stay on the sofa for the duration. I'd go to bed if I were you and try to sleep. You aren't going to sort out anything tonight.

GingerBearingGifts · 27/12/2005 00:18

Shit toothy.
Do you think things will be calmer in the morning?
Will he be humble and apologetic when he comes round?
I wish I knew what to say. Just sad for you.

Original poster
SackAche · 27/12/2005 00:20

He has finally recognised his problem and with the Counselling due in Januery, is trying to change. Do I give up now???? or do I wait and see if the Counselling helps? He really wants the counselling.....and judging by the note he left me the other week....he knows he needs it. He wants to be the person he used to be.

OP posts:
Original poster
SackAche · 27/12/2005 00:21

OMG!I'm not waking him up tonight! Nooooo he's staying srumpled up on the sofa!

OP posts:
merrySOAPBOXingday · 27/12/2005 00:21

I have to say that IME once a twat always a twat!

Not a popular view I know, nor politically correct. But I have known very view people who have changed their behaviours over the long run, if they are fundamentally twattish people!

However, I do aknowledge that an important part of letting go of a bad relationship is the knowledge that you have tried everything, more so where children are involved. So I do understand where you are coming from!

OTOH, old twatface clearly hasn;t got the message yet, has he?????

Original poster
SackAche · 27/12/2005 00:22

GB-He will be sorry...and pathetic... and feel sorry for himself.

OP posts:
Original poster
SackAche · 27/12/2005 00:25

TOTALLY see where you're coming from. But I used to be as bad as him.....worse in fact.... I used to slap him during every arguement. That was 3 yrs ago when I had PND and acted like a lunatic regularly.
We worked through that but now he's started acting like this in the past year.... which is why I think it warrants waiting until he's seen a Counsellor......... it worked for me.

OP posts:
notasheep · 27/12/2005 00:29

Can you give yourself a specific time/date to get this sorted out-dear girlfriend of mine is going through similiar ordeal,she has given it 6 months,otherwise do you go on and on and on,she and her partner are going to counselling-

He is the same, keen to go but not changing his behaviour one bit.

I am afraid to say leopards dont change there spots very often-my ex husband was a gambler and no doubt still is

GingerBearingGifts · 27/12/2005 00:31

When he is feeling sorry for himself, tell him how bad his behaviour makes you feel. I bet you have done this a million times already. Tell him if he really loves you and wants to save your marriage then he has to stop and think before he flies off into a rage and storms off . Tell him that you are trying your best and so should he.

notasheep · 27/12/2005 00:32

It sounds like you are defending his behaviour when you mention your PND.

Your PND behavoiur was normal-I was the axe murderer writing IN CONTROL in big letters on the shower doors in the condensation

GingerBearingGifts · 27/12/2005 00:34

Tell him you understand - you felt the same when you had PND - and that counselling helped you through.
Tell him that you don't like him but you still care and love him.

tamba · 27/12/2005 00:57

Sorry to hear you have had such a crap night sackache xxxxx

I am really bad at giving advice but am always here to listen. Lots of Love xxx

GingerBearingGifts · 27/12/2005 17:25

how are things today toothy?

Original poster
SackAche · 28/12/2005 10:28

He knows his behaviour is unforgivable and has decided he wants to move out. I agree, but whether it happens or not! He fell asleep on the sofa last night, so I just left him. He came to bed at 2am saying "oh sorry babe, I fell asleep on the couch".... then he crawled into bed and went to sleep.

Now whats bugging me is this: He wants to move out, he is going to find a flat which will take a few weeks to rustle up a deposit etc etc. I don't think in that time he should be sleeping in the marital bed! Am I being petty???

The other problem is that we don't actually have a spare room or bed, so he'll have to sleep on the couch every night and I'm worried about the questions from ds.

It won't be permanent arrangement (I don't think anyway) him moveing out. But we need some space and he needs to know what he's losing by behaving this way.

Its just the practicalities of it..... and what happens until he finds someplace? Any advice anyone?

OP posts:
WickedWinterWitch · 28/12/2005 10:31

Sorry you're going through this SA. I agree with you about the bed, he shouldn't be in it if things are this bad between you. Sorry, no advice though except can he move out sooner rather than later?

SilentBite · 28/12/2005 10:34

SA could he not go and stay with a friend?

It does sound to me like he is willing to try and change and it is coming from him rather than you which is encouraging. I have to say, I would have thrown him out a long time ago rather than put up with that sort of nonsense though.

merrySOAPBOXingday · 28/12/2005 10:36

Sackache - where does all this leave the house move?

Are you dependent on both incomes to pay the mortgage on the new place, and will you be able to afford to pay rent on a place for him as well.

Most tenancies are on a minimum 6 months let, which is quite a long time for just a break from each other. OTOH I assume he needs somewhere which is suitable for him to have the children to stay when he has them.

SOrry all this is happening, you do seem to have had a pretty volatile relationship - I hope this gets you back on track to something more sustainable

Original poster
SackAche · 28/12/2005 11:03

He only has one friend up here, but they live in a 2 bedroomed house with 2 children! You've got to remember that all his friends and family are 250 miles away in Liverpool. Other than work colleagues and my friends....he's stumped!

He can't move out sooner because he'll need a months rent in advance. I've checked out rent on 2 bedroomed flats locally and we're looking at £350 per month....then Council tax.

The new house is in my name, bought solely on my income, so not an issue financially at the moment!

So...looks like we're just going to have to stick it out until February. My birthday is in February..... great present, my H moving out!

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