Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

Original poster

Friend dilemma

10 replies

Angel786 · 21/10/2011 10:07

Dh's best friend's wife has become a close friend of ours. They got married earlier this year and we put ourselves out a fair bit to help with the wedding, partly for the best friend but also for the wife.

In the last 12 months the wife hasn't come to any of our 'events' like dh's 30th, my baby shower, dd's kind of christening party and now says she can't make dd's 1st bday in dec as she's working. It's only a small party with immediate family plus dh's best friend and wife invited. The wife says she can't make it because she's working. Her reasons for not attending before include prior engagements, working, her mum was going to have an op but didn't so she worked instead etc etc.

I know they are both working hard as we lent them money for the wedding, but think it would be nice if she could make the effort to attend at least one of our things.

Her 30th is in dec and I really can't be bothered to go now, am I out of order?

OP posts:

Hassled · 21/10/2011 10:09

If she's working then she's working. And if they're skint then yes, of course that's going to be her priority. If you don't want to go to the 30th then fine, but don't not go to make some sort of a point to her. That's just childish.

tigermoll · 21/10/2011 10:21

I feel your pain, - it is frustrating when someone basically uses you for help and support (especially common, for some reason, around someone's wedding) and then dumps you. She doesn't sound like someone you can really consider a close friend.

However, look at it this way: she's not really your friend, she's the wife of your husband's friend. There's no law that says you two HAVE to be friends. I'm sure you have friends of your own on whom you can rely, so just let her be more of a casual acquaintence. Don't go to her party (politely make an excuse) and don't worry if she doesn't come to your events. The important friendship is between your DH and her DH, and as long as that is ok, then you are free not to care too much about this slightly-selfish-sounding woman.

margerykemp · 21/10/2011 10:23

If she doesn't have DCs herself I wouldnt have expected her to go to any of the 'baby' events tbh. That just leave the birthday as a one-off. Not unreasonable to cut back on costs like that if you've just had a big wedding.

I think you are being quite birtchy to deliberatley NOT invite her to your party, out of spite.

ZacharyQuack · 21/10/2011 10:27

Other people's baby events are really quite boring......

Original poster

Angel786 · 21/10/2011 10:29

Thanks all. tiger I think you're approach is v sensible.

Margery I did invite her, that's the point. We are keeping it v small but wanted to include them. They made a big fuss of saying they wanted dd at their wedding so we messed up her routine and drove 3 hours each way five times in one week for them. We also had lots of friends with no dcs at dd's christening type thing. I know she has to work but we took time out of our lives / work for their special events but she doesn't do the same.

OP posts:

tigermoll · 21/10/2011 10:30

That's a good point re. baby events. I try not to attend christenings (lack of belief in god, dislike of small children) and TBH, if ANYONE invited me to a party, the purpose of which was to 'shower' them with gifts, I would politely decline.

TapTapTapPenny · 21/10/2011 10:35

I don't think you're being bitchy. I think you're hurt that someone you have considered a friend isn't acting as one, she's behaving as if she doesn't like you much.

but I don't think that is the case, I wonder if she's desperately broody or recently lost a baby and can't bear to be around people who are pregnant/new parents?

Original poster

Angel786 · 21/10/2011 10:45

Fair enough tiger, although the baby shower was more of a party than gift giving thing (some ppl did gifts others didnt ) I just liked having my friends altogether for chats and fun.

tap tap that's an interesting angle, she may be broody but I wouldn't have thought she's ttc / lost a baby as she's religiousish (Muslim) and got married two months ago and they've said they're waiting till at least a year before ttc.

OP posts:

GreenBlueRed · 21/10/2011 13:12

They live three hours away? Why would you expect someone who you're not that close to, with not much money, to take a day off work to come to a birthday party or baby shower of a baby who won't even be aware of what's going on?

Original poster

Angel786 · 21/10/2011 13:25

greenbluered although in terms of miles it's not far it means travelling through London and we hit traffic every time so I had to feed dd dinner (8months) in the back of the car in the dark.

I suppose I expect it because I always put myself out for others and would do that for them if/ when the time comes. She didn't come to dh's birthday either. I suppose I just thought that's what friends do fir eachother. But that's my mistake, she's not a friend- like tiger said, dh and her dh are friends.

So I won't feel bad about not going to her party as I don't want to spend fifty quid on a babysitter.

OP posts:

Flip