Depression

[Hindsightisawonderfulthing]

Sorry long.
We have been married for 14 years together for 18 and have two teenagers and live abroad. My DH is struggling with anger issues. He says he gets a 'red mist' and is frustrated most of the time by 'the incompetence' of people around him. He's so unhappy right now and needs help.
We haven't spoken for a week after a spectacular melt down when we were out with friends. He says he doesn't deserve to be spoken to as he is in a totally shit place and feels crap about himself and I am fed up of giving in and placating him so haven't. Well until last night where I could see no end if we didnt talk.
He has a 'stressful' job and they are in trouble in the UK just now so it's a huge worry. Our house here is in negative equity so I get why he would feel trapped. One of the kids has been having medical issues so I'm not working just now and I don't help financially.

I think he's depressed and needs to seek help but he refuses to accept that possibility and says it's 'just him'. He got cross last night when I suggested seeing someone but quickly calmed down as he realises how awful he has been lately.

He would never hit me or the kids and does control his anger in the house. It appears in different forms such as being narky, shutting us out and lately I feel he is blaming me for everything. For example, I bought the kids pop Cd's last Christmas therefore I am making them like shit music when they should be listening to 'decent' stuff and learning about real music. He would hate to think I have ruined their chances by doing so. (Not sure that makes sense sorry).

He says he wouldn't blame me for leaving him. I love him and leaving him won't help but he needs help. Yet I can't 'make' him go and can see it all getting better for a wee while then kicking off again as this has been the cycle before although this time it's lasted longer and his anger is worse.
I'm so sad for him and for us I think I'm at the point where I need to see someone but how will that help really. If he can't see the wood for the trees.

You are right that you can't "make" him do or see anything. If he needs help, only he can ask for it.

You, however, can (and should) get the help you need for yourself. The life you describe cannot be easy on you (dificult financial situation, child with medical issues that you are carer for, angry and depressed husband acting out at you). What outlets do you have for the stress it causes you?

If you find that his anger and depression are causing issues in your relationship, then you could try couples' counselling as a way for getting help for something that is within your remit to legitimately seek help for. If your husband agrees, this could be the first step to him getting the personal help he needs (the couples' counsellor is likely to suggest that your husband could benefit from personal treatment for his anger and depression).

you seeing someone might help you draw up strategies for dealing with his behaviour. you cannot change him but you can change how you react and you can decide o eg st out ultimatum - get help or go live elsewhere for a while. get help or i leave with dc for a while til you do. he has to know you not preapared to go on like this.

if he is "ill" eg depression anxiety and it manifests in anger then you can never be certain 100 per cent he would never lash out and hit you or kids - even by accident. or that he wont harm himself. if he gets really stuck in this cycle.

my exp had all thsoe stresses and was behaving as you describe - it spiralled literally out of contorl til he harmed himself and others. if he doesnt get help then you actually dont know what might happen when he explodes one day.

march him to GP.
if he refuses to get help then issue concrete ultimatums. go away for a weekend leave him to think etc . say you prepared to support him if he does his bit in seeking help.