DS is going to make contact with his father

[maristellathewitch]

I'm scared he will get let down.
I'm scared he will be cruelly rejected and I'm scared I won't be able to pick up all the pieces.
I'm scared DS' GCSE's will suffer.
I'm scared XP will manipulate DS against me.
I'm scared of losing the most important person in my life.

Oh Maristella, i understand your fears completely..
I presume your XP has been out of your lives for a while, and your DS is @15 years old?
The thing is your DS is being brave and gutsy doing this, it's a very mature thing to do, and hopefully this will see him through any rejections, have you spoken to him about that possible outcome?
I'm sure your DS knows you pretty well by now - you've been there for him through thick and thin, so even if your XP tried to manipulate him against you, your DS knows better!
Try not to worry, it is scarey but i'm sure you and your DSs relationship is strong enough to go through this.. whatever the outcome x

Thanks Jellykat he hasn't seen DS, or me for that matter, for 9 years. I haven't shared parenting since DS was a baby, and I honestly don't know how to. DS is 13 and very sensitive, partly down to his huge sense of rejection from his father. I am worried we are giving XP permission to turn DS' life upside down again, although he may not do that. He may really welcome him.

We talked about this a few weeks ago. Last night I dreamed that they are in contact and i woke up straight away. I used to have awful nightmares about XP, and seem to have trained myself to wake up as soon as he gets into my dreams. I didn't know I still wake myself from the dreams because it had been a while.

I feel that DS knows me better than anyone, and he knows that I am very honest. I'm straight to the point and he always knows exactly where he stands with me, no hidden agendas. I think he would see that he was being manipulated. I hope so, not just for selfish reasons, but because I have been constant and always there and it would be awful to start to doubt the one constant you have had.

My thoughts are flying out like alphabetti! x

This must be so hard for you.
Would it make more sense for you to quietly contact the father and get a sense of levels of interest in your DS first, before your DS goes there? Then, if the Ex makes it clear that another rejection is coming, you can head DS off - say he should leave it till he's a bit older or something.

Whatever happens, you'll never lose him. That's one thing to stop being scared about.

I spoke about this with colleagues a while back, and said I could contact XP to talk about DS contacting him when the time is right but the general consensus was that I should sit back and let DS control his relationship with his father. I do feel really mixed up. I am scared that DS will just want to be with his siblings all the time, it's siblings that he wants and I have not been able to give him any. But then after 13 years without, he will probably enjoy coming back to our quiet little life. I always told DS that I thought he would be able to have a relationship with his father when he is old enough for me to take a back seat, because it is me XP has the problem with. But I can never just take a back seat and trustingly hand my son over. I have been the only parent for so long, I can't just trust this stranger who has been so shit in the past.

Thanks Hassled I feel really jumbled, and I'm thinking as I'm typing rather than thinking then typing. Maybe I could offer to call XP for DS? XP has to be committed or he will do so much more harm at such a sensitive time in DS' life x

I have a 13 year old boy myself - I don't think he could begin to cope with this level of potential upheaval. I do think that, if you can possibly bear to, you should contact the Ex first, without your DS's knowledge, and find out whether or not he's actually interested.

If yes - you can relax and give it your blessing in the knowledge that that's the right way to go - those siblings will be important to your DS and could be a source of great support for him in the future. They won't ever replace you though. And if no - then you find a way to stall your DS. Tell him to think about it when he's 18 (at which stage he'll be better placed to cope with it all).

You are onto something. If Ds is to have any face to face contact with his father then his father and I need to have a conversation about it at some point. I worry about being portrayed as controlling, but for DS' sake I have to retain some control here and initiate some dialogue with the horrible waste of space :( shit fuck shit

I too have a 13 year old DS, and a 22 yr old DS too.. both have been through this with their fathers..

I can see where you're coming from, can you write a simple, to the point letter, rather then face to face or phoning? all you initially need to do is gauge the response, without any discussion about the past etc..

I totally agree with what Hassled said. Your DS will be so much more able to cope with any upheaval when he is older. You know your DS best, trust your own judgement on this as you will have to balance supporting him with trying to do what you think is best. You must be terrified, and I can see why.

I( know, this feels like such the wrong time for DS to be messed around all over again. There has never felt like a right time. I'm in 2 minds as to whether it would be better now, while DS is still under my roof and I can give him intensive support or whether he waits until he is older. He has been to CAMHS a few times because he cannot cope with the rejection.

Surely if I was to reject DS (impossible) and refuse to parent him I should be faced with a neglect charge? I know I'm being offkey here and a bit dramatic but I do think the law fails to recognise this as neglect and a form of abuse.

If XP was to commit to maintaining contact, everything would be ok. But I cannot trust him. His new partner supported the contact the last time until I pissed her off by bringing up the subject of maintenance. They failed to turn up as arranged, refused to answer calls or emails, eventually changed their numbers and moved house and that was that. All because I asked for help because I was really struggling. He is currently paying through CSA, and if DS does have contact I would like to keep the maintenance separate from the contact. I just don;t know what to do for the best!