divorce/ separation - idiots guide help.

[itdidntworkout]

as my name suggests, it didn't work out and I have to leave the relationship, but not sure how to go about it. If there's a thread, can you direct me - literally, I need step-by-step instructions!

I have £3k in savings but no equity in the house. We have two children 3 and 1. He's a fab father but crap husband and things can't change (took me 10 years to realise it).

What do I do? I live in the London Borough of Barnet. Do I find a flat and the council pay for it? Do my savings come in to consideration? Do I sign on as any potential salary would be taken my nursery fees.

I don't want any money for me from my husband, but I've worked out that I could get by on the following:

• £50 per week per child
• £40 per week petrol allowance

I don't really have any personal expenses but I would want to keep the car ( we have two).

Advise and instructions please!

Are you married?

Moneywise, if you are then typically the property / assets is divided in a way that reflects who has the children most of the time.

If you're not, then he will have to fork out about 20% of his salary to support the children but doesn't strictly have to do more. you may be able to show that you've acquired a stake in the house if your salary has been relied in to fund the family home.

You will have trouble finding a flat in your own name unless you earn.

Why are you contemplating moving out though? What about childcare etc?

I'm in Barnet and it's a bit steep house price wise. Whereabouts are you? What does he earn? Where do you want to be for school purposes?

Yes, married 9 years, based in Finchley. He earns £100k+. Want to make the point that I don't want the money/ lifestyle etc. just want to get away from him as he makes my life a misery with being a selfish individual - not going into detail, but I really can't take it any more. Borough of Barnet has great schools, so it doesn't really matter where I end up.

Before you give any consideration to leaving your marriage and how the fianances should be divided, you should to consult a solicitor who specialises in family law and divorce.

Don't just pick one from the yellow pages; personal recommendation is best and, as you've stated your location it may be that other mumsnetters will pm you with recommendations.

Or call Women's Aid on 0808 2000 247 and ask them if they recommend a firm in your area.

It may be that the best solution is for him to move out and for you and the dc to remain in the marital home until they are 18, at which point it can be sold but you should need to seek expert advice before ending your marriage.

Alternatively, if you are able to reach an amicable resolution with your h as to division of assests, child support/contact, etc, you can divorce online without need for solicitors at very little cost.

you should need to seek expert please substitute you should seek expert etc.

Thanks izzy, I'm booked in next week to seek a solicitor, but wanted to chat to other mumsnetters for advice/ experiences.

see not seek!

Really if you have the children most of the time and he is a high earner then he should be the one moving out and finding a flat or something and still paying the mortgage plus child support til the kids are 18 - then you can sell up and move and the proceeds are split however agreed in the divorce. it's called a mesher order I think. Don't do anything until you've spoken to a solicitor

I think the usual advice is for you not to leave the family home.

I have the kids all the time. He leaves at 7am and is home anytime from 6.30 - 8pm. These are usual commuting hours I didn't think the house would be a joint asset and I would be allowed to live there.

I have our 1yr old all the time and our 3yr old goes to playschool for a couple of mornings a week.\

There is no mortgage on the property.

Whether you will keep the house or not will probably depend in some way on whether he can afford to house himself assuming you do keep it.

If there is no mortgage on it, then it sounds like he could buy himself a flat nearby and you could then stay where you are.

If feelings are running high, it's not a great time to discuss this stuff with each other, but broadly you should be pointing out to him that the least impact on the children will be if they stay in their home while he moves out but does not go very far away. It's only if you can't reach agreement on this sort of thing that lawyers / courts etc get involved.

It may also help if he understands that even if you weren't married he would still have an obligation to house the children, and if 20% of his earnings were not enough you would be able to get more.

It is irrelevant whose name is on the deeds to the house, the day you married him everything you each owned or later acquired got pooled so you now own half each. Typically the split of assets is not 50:50 because one parent houses the children for most of the time so gets more.

It sounds as though with no mortgage and on £100k plus, neither of you is going to be reduced to penury which is where most of the hostility in divorces arises.

Forgot to add that your solicitor will be able to set out what you can ask for so that you don't inadvertently settle for not enough.

John Cleese had a good attitude during one of his divorces - he and his ex chose each other's lawyers so neither of them had to deal with anyone obnoxious.