Think there is something wrong with me. Please help.

[xanthum]

I have been with my partner for 3 years and on the whole we have a good relationship and he is very good to me. I have been married before to a very abusive man who still gives me problems on a reasonably regular basis in terms of hitting my self-esteem hard both as a mother and a human being.

I have a very stressful full-time job which leaves me totally exhausted when I get home. I have been having problems at work with my stress levels and have been very snappy with others. I have 3 roles in my job which I am just not coping with at all and have fixated on one woman who I work with who seems to never get stressed, always breezes around and points out to me (in a very friendly way) things that I have missed or comments on the untidiness of the office. I know this sounds weird but she is everything that I would like to be - capable, calm, full of energy etc etc. It's like the more I look at her the more inadequate I feel.

These days I seem to hate myself and feel that I let down everyone around me, my partner, my workmates, my children. I am so utterly exhausted and drained and low.

The main issue is that I have no libido whatsoever. Nothing. I still find my partner very attractive but he knows that I hardly ever want to make love. He is a very loving and quite intense man and this has hit him very hard. I have also been having a problem with him complimenting me, even when it's just general nice stuff. He says lovely things about me but I feel uncomfortable. He sometimes stares at my chest and makes a "phwoar" type sound and I know he is trying to make me feel better about myself but I don't like it. I told him this recently and he took it badly, saying that he feels dreadful for doing something I don't like and he feels like I don't care about him. My history is not good with these kind of things and I can't deal with it. I don't feel in any way sexual at all - it seems to have gone.

I am very over-emotional a lot of the time and can cry at the drop of a hat. I just feel like I hate everything about myself and that I ruin everything I touch. I don't have a very good relationship record although I do recognise that my xh was absolutely horrendous and still is.

I also have a history of depression which started when I had my first dc and I feel like it is coming back and I can't bear to live like this any longer.

Why can't I just be happy? What the hell is wrong with me? Am I some kind of drama queen? I love my partner but I feel I am pushing him away. Please help and sorry for the length of this.

Pet, you do sound awfully stressed and depressed. And Ms Perfect at work sounds like a covert-aggressive bitch.

Hie thee unto the GP, is my recommendation. Check for possible anaemia, vitamin and mineral deficiencies, don't rule out anti-depressants. You're not a drama queen, you're drowning. You can't "just be happy" through deciding to be. At least forgive youself for that perceived failure.

Thanks Annie. I have recently been to my GP who tested me for lots of things but found nothing. I am already on 30mg of anti-depressants - what do I do next? I do feel like I'm drowning and that there is no recovery from my past which has been pretty bad. Abuse figures highly in several ways.

I sometimes think that this is it for me and that I have to face my past every single day of my present and future, despite trying so hard not to. My beliefs of who I am are so hard to deal with. I feel like a jinx and that I will never be happy. God, are other people like this when they have been through a lot. Shouldn't I be grateful that the really crap times have gone and I managed to escape them?

Thanks so much for replying - feel like I'm going crazy!

Do you, by any chance, have a contraceptive implant? It can cause some of the things you are experieincing.

Are you having counselling along with the ADs?

Over, I do have the Mirena coil. Do you think this could be relevant?

ItsMe, no I'm not having counselling at the moment but have had it before. I don't see what I could achieve by having it again, plus I won't be able to get the time off work for it without explaining why and I don't want everyone to know in light of what's been going on there lately.

I asked about counselling because, IME, ADs just give you a bit of a mental space to help you cope, while you work on the underlying issues that need resolving.

You say you "hate yourself" at the moment. That would be the key issue to solve. If you still hate yourself, then the counselling you had in the past was not sufficient. The libido that you bring up as the "main issue" is, I believe, only a symptom of your depression. ADs will not cure your depression on their own. Counselling will help you examine the causes and triggers of your self-hatred at the moment, and if it's CBT or similar style of counselling, help you develop strategies to ward off the self-hating thoughts.

Don't let your work stress prevent you from seeking the help you need. That'll only make you drown faster.

Poor you. You sound very low. And you have a lot to deal with in your life at the moment. I can see why your libido has been affected. I'm sort of where you are, though not as bad. And my DH also does the "phwoaaaar" thing. I said he sounds like he is perving not admiring and it feels disrespectful. Maybe your gp can change the AD or the dose. It sounds like the counselling you had before has not resolved everything, or some stuff has resurfaced. Can you find a counsellor who will see you late evening or weekends or over the phone?

Thanks, yes I think that if I could stop these feelings of hating myself then other stuff would fit into place. I do think CBT could help me because it's my thoughts that run away with me all the time. How can I have a successful relationship with anyone if I hate myself - it's crap.

The work thing is a major issue though as I am in the middle of negotiating some changes already and time out on top of this would be frowned upon. I need to think about this though because I can't think of anything else that is going to help me at the moment.

I don't sleep properly either which makes things look even worse. I don't want to be "Xanthum, oh yes she is always moaning and stressed the whole time - one thing after another with her". I can't bear to think that I am like that. I keep myself to myself at work as the group are a bit cliquy and I don't divulge any of my private life to them. God, I hate it.

CBT is exactly about hadnling the thoughts that run away with you. You can get it on the NHS, ask your GP. You might also need a higher dose or a different AD prescription; they all work differently with different people.

Totally agree that the libido is the symptom, not the cause. Also, please tell your doctor what's going on at work in case s/he makes any direct connections that have escaped your stressed-out mind.

I haven't done the Freedom Programme yet, but still intend to despite all my therapy. If you can't find one with suitable times & location, you can follow the framework using the book and some worksheets online.

And here's a very good, free, online CBT course. It'll show you what CBT's all about, while you're waiting for your NHS one :)

Lovely, I agree with what everyone else has said... Get back to your GP and tell him or her what you've told us... It could just be that your ADs need tweaking, or you might benefit from counselling.

Thank you for posting Sprinkles. So glad you get the phwoarr thing too. I sometimes call him Sid James! You may not get that if you are younger than me! I know he's doing it for the right reasons but still. Hope your libido is on the up. What did you find helpful?

Garlic thanks so much for your CBT links - will have a look. Thanks Milchardo, perhaps ADs are not working as well as before. So difficult to know whether it's that kind of thing or just life. I seem unable to look at some of the positives - like successfully getting my eldest ds off to uni (what a nightmare that was with clearing, accommodation etc!) Must try to think more positively.

I don't really have anyone to talk to in RL. I have a close friend but don't see much of her because of busy lives. I really appreciate your care - thank you.

Oh, keep posting then! :)

Hi xanthum
The coil you are using releases progesterone into your system, a major side effect of which is depression, mood swings and loss of libido. I took progesterone tablets for endometriosis a few years back and it turned me in to a libido-less psychopath. You might want to consider another method of contraception.
Hope this helps
Liz

Thanks Garlic, sounds like you've been through the mill too with awful xh stuff. I must admit it is good to approach Xmas knowing that I no longer have to face the inevitable "fail" because I haven't done Xmas "right". What a relief. I'm being a bit random here - keep hopping from thought to thought! Hope all is well with you now.

Wow Lizzie that's awful. That's exactly how I feel. Especially the libido-less psychopath! I wanted to rip an old woman's head off this morning for tutting at me about my trolley being in the way! But I have had it in for over 2 years - can it just creep up on you like that?

Getting better, thank you :) Is this going to be your first dictator-free Christmas? Hurrah!!! (Yeah, my tree was never stylish enough for X1 and I was too fussy with it for X2. I am NOT HAVING a tree this year )

Lizzie's point about the Mirena's interesting - that deffo has to be worth considering as a factor. If you can't take the pill, would an old-style IUD be a viable option?

Hi xanthum
Yes, it builds up in your system so it can "creep up" on you. I switched to a pill that had mixed progesterone and estrogen, and saw a huge difference, but as garlic says, an older style, hormone free coil might be an option if you can't take the pill.
Liz

Garlic, for me it was the presents! Ad hoc ones, no matter how carefully thought through, were never acceptable. Never really did Xmas like his mum! Wouldn't want to tbh. Good for you - ditch the tree or create your own Xmas centrepiece. Do it your way. I've had a few dictator free Christmas but I am constantly reminded due to pre-Christmas warnings of what not to buy for dc! And being told that previous Xmas was a disaster (as usual). No wonder I think of myself like I do.

Lizzie that is very interesting about build up of progesterone. It may very well explain things.

Mirena sent me potty, turned into a raging maniac, put on a stone and completely lost my libido. Back to normal one cycle after it was removed.

OP, do a search on the Mirena on here and you'll find loads of posters (me included) who had a nightmare with the Mirena. It seems to work brilliantly for some people, and cause horrible side effects for a large number of others.

I'm normally quite even tempered and have no history of depression but felt utterly murderous and really low on it, I lasted six weeks before I had it switched to the copper version. DP was so relieved.

Hope this helps. I think it's appalling that the Mirena is still pushed so hard by GP's without the possible side effects being properly explained, but that's another thread..

You get your pills changed they clearly are not working. I take 150mg's a day of mine compared to 30mg of Citalopram which in my opinion did nothing for me and were shit.

Depending on the pills depends on the doseage, take the right pills and little things will no longer bother you, giving you time and energy to deal with the bigger things.

OP, I'm just a bit up and down. I went on maternity leave in Feb 2010 with the intention of never going back because work was absolute hell. Just the thought of that helped a lot. I was very lucky in that DH and I agreed I would only go back part time, and I got a new job that is less stressful. We manage on a much reduced income.

I also get massively snappy when stressed out. I have a terrible habit of often interpreting everything people say to me as a personal insult. I then get defensive and angry, and more stressed. I am having counselling. Its helping. I think there were times when I should have gone to the GP and got ADs. It would have eased the process. But I am far enough into counselling now to feel its not worth it now.

With regards to libido...hmm. It's not great. But take note, it you don't use it you lose it! If you can discuss this with your DH and explain you need to feel cherished and looked after and to make the sex about you not him for a while it will help. Then you will feel sexier. It may take a very very long time before you feel like taking the initiative, but being seduced (as opposed being badgered for sex) helps. It gets more and more awkward the longer you leave it. We were trying for DC2 and realised that we really were going to have to just do it more, so we did, and it's finally getting back to where we once were, after several months.

Oh, and despite being 34 I was brought up on a diet of carry on films.... i know Sid James!

You sound quite depressed and it does affect your libido