Think there is something wrong with me. Please help.

[xanthum]

I have been with my partner for 3 years and on the whole we have a good relationship and he is very good to me. I have been married before to a very abusive man who still gives me problems on a reasonably regular basis in terms of hitting my self-esteem hard both as a mother and a human being.

I have a very stressful full-time job which leaves me totally exhausted when I get home. I have been having problems at work with my stress levels and have been very snappy with others. I have 3 roles in my job which I am just not coping with at all and have fixated on one woman who I work with who seems to never get stressed, always breezes around and points out to me (in a very friendly way) things that I have missed or comments on the untidiness of the office. I know this sounds weird but she is everything that I would like to be - capable, calm, full of energy etc etc. It's like the more I look at her the more inadequate I feel.

These days I seem to hate myself and feel that I let down everyone around me, my partner, my workmates, my children. I am so utterly exhausted and drained and low.

The main issue is that I have no libido whatsoever. Nothing. I still find my partner very attractive but he knows that I hardly ever want to make love. He is a very loving and quite intense man and this has hit him very hard. I have also been having a problem with him complimenting me, even when it's just general nice stuff. He says lovely things about me but I feel uncomfortable. He sometimes stares at my chest and makes a "phwoar" type sound and I know he is trying to make me feel better about myself but I don't like it. I told him this recently and he took it badly, saying that he feels dreadful for doing something I don't like and he feels like I don't care about him. My history is not good with these kind of things and I can't deal with it. I don't feel in any way sexual at all - it seems to have gone.

I am very over-emotional a lot of the time and can cry at the drop of a hat. I just feel like I hate everything about myself and that I ruin everything I touch. I don't have a very good relationship record although I do recognise that my xh was absolutely horrendous and still is.

I also have a history of depression which started when I had my first dc and I feel like it is coming back and I can't bear to live like this any longer.

Why can't I just be happy? What the hell is wrong with me? Am I some kind of drama queen? I love my partner but I feel I am pushing him away. Please help and sorry for the length of this.

Everyone has given you excellent advice already O.P. Just wanted to give verbal support. I have suffered depression in the past as the result of some nasty things in my childhood , and it is absolute hell on earth and incredibly isolating, and largely misunderstood and is something I find non-sufferers have little patience for.

I am concerned about you comparing yourself negatively to this other woman as well as your self-dislike. It is something I have often done - looking at other people and even resenting/envying them, because everything about them seems perfect and they seem to find everything in life so easy, and have had great easy going lives with no upheavals - and I still struggle not to do it.

Now I know that it is my minds way of saying something is not right with some aspect of my life. Might this be the same for you? I would ask you after your bad ex-marriage how much time was it before you started this current relationship? How much time in-between reationships have you ever spent alone?

I know this current relationship is much better, but reading your posts it sounds like you didn't/have not spent time working on yourself, discovering YOU. Getting over your self-esteem issues, living free of responsibility to anyone else (sort of self-nurturing) Putting back in what was taken from you by some bad life experiences including your past horrible marriage and bad relationships

Now you're in a position where this is hard to do because you have more responsibility and less time. I think besides looking into changing your contraception which is probably part of the problem, you should think seriously about some of the things you either enjoy doing or have always wanted to do that give you a real sense of happiness and self-achievement anything that's unique to you, that will stop you from short changing yourself, and start thinking of ways to go about doing and getting them. If you really feel that you're not doing well at something, (your current job) naturally anyone who appears to do it better will make you feel inferior. But if you do things you can be good at you'll feel stronger.

Get a Goals Diary and start writing down ideas of things you'd like to achieve. Also include small goals and ideas to treat yourself. You deserve it. Just one a day to start with. Add another diary for partner and children and include just one nice thing you will do/say to partner and or children for that day.

Sorry if I'm way off. Best of intentions. HTH and you feel better soon.

Please please please get the mirena coil taken out! It turned my world upside down when i had it, thought i was going mad. After just a week of having it out i was almost 100% back to my old self. Seriously, there is lots of evidence that the mirena coil can give all the symptoms your describing. I hope you begin to feel better soon x

I haven't used the Mirena coil, but I once had to progesterone for another reason

It really affected me badly. Depressed, anxious, snappy, libido in my boots (which was a bummer since I was taking it as part of treatment for infertility !). Some days I actually looked at my DH like I could easily kill him, and I am normally that lady you work with who is cool and calm.

You sound lovely, and like you have so much on your plate. Start with the things you have control over, and ditch the coil.

See your GP, and take if from there. It sounds like you could spiral into a deep depression quite easily, so I think you should head it off ASAP nad tell your GP you need further help in the way of chaging/upping meds and accessing counselling. Stuff your job/colleagues...if you went off long term sick they would have to cope wouldn't they ?

if you had a broken leg...you would need to fix it. Why not this ?

Loss of libido, depression, and weight gain are all well documented side effects of the Mirena coil.

Switch to a horrmone free coil such as the copper T asap, give it a few weeks, and I'm sure you'll begin to feel better.

The secret of looking calm and capable at work is to pay attention to grooming and always endeavour to be well turned out which, depressingly, involves pressing clothes and cleaning shoes - in my case usually 5 mins before I leave the house

As you're already doing, avoid discussing your personal life except in the most general manner and try to paste an attentive smile on your face even when you feel like throttling a colleague - you can always kick the shit of a cushion when you get home.

I have a set of worry beads that I play around with when I feel stressed and a piece of an old sheet that I take to the ladies and 'strangle' while swearing under my breath after sessions with particularly irritating colleagues while - mumsnet has greatly expanded my cursing vocabulary

Make sure you eat nutritiously and get enough sleep (she says at long gone 1am). Give yourself a little treat every day - sadly I've had to knock my Krispy Kreme reward on the head as I couldn't resist buying a box of 6 at a time and, unaccountably, they failed to last the allotted number of days.

You haven't let anyone down and, to that extent, you're your own worst enemy beating yourself up for things you haven't done. When those negative thoughts come into your mind, think of a positive to turn them on their head.

WRT to Sid James, my late much lamented aunt used to encounter him regularly as they used the same firm of accountants in SW1. My 5' 6" in heels aunt described him as 'tiny with a face like a gnarled walnut'. Mr James was invariably accompanied by a tres glamourous blonde-haired lady (diamonds, furs, etc) who my aunt thought might be less said, but was, as she subsequently discovered, his third wife Valerie.

Thanks so much everyone for your very insightful comments.

Shiney, you have hit the nail on the head on several counts. I didn't spend too long between relationships - not straight away but even so. I have decided that I need to do some activities that I enjoy and just find time for them. I am sick of feeling second best to everyone and find it so hard to see my worth.

I think I will look into having the Mirena taken out as I read somewhere (may have been on this thread) that it can turn you into a "libido-less psychopath" and that is how I would describe myself at the moment. I have always been an emotional person though and have always craved to be calm and laid back but I guess that's just not me.

Izzy, loved the Sid James info! About the copper coil - one of the reasons I had the Mirena was due to very heavy periods. Will they be even heavier with the copper coil? Does anyone have first hand experience of this?

AnyPhantom, one of my fears at the moment is spiralling deeper into depression. I was very severely depressed postnatally 18 years ago and I never, ever want to return to that place. It was the worse time of my life and there have been a few contenders!

I am feeling a little bit better today and slept quite well (for me at least) last night. I have treated myself to coffee with a friend today and am looking into learning how to use my sewing machine properly - maybe a day's course - something for me.

Maybe my job is not doing me any good - I am generally not good with too much stress - maybe it's not a failing to not cope that well. However, when others do I find it hard to accept this.

Trip to GPs is in order I think to talk about all options.

Sadly loss of libido is very much a side affect of antidepressant medication as well (talking from experience).

Get that coil taken out and reassess...

good luck x

I also agree about getting the mirena out.

It's a sad and rather cruel irony that women are px contraceptives like this and then then diminish the sex drive negating the need for them.

I took the pill for ten years many years ago and since then have had a diaphragm. My libido is rather high.

OP - bit of a left field question, but have you had your iron levels checked? A friend of mine suffered long term with depression and other symptoms, and her GP did a blood test - her iron levels were 40% of what they should have been, really severe. She was put on supplements, which gave her horrible constipation - but they turned her life around, gave her back her energy and her drive.

I also think your ADs aren't working and you should change them, and second all those suggesting removing the Mirena.

What a lovely, balanced thread (I've been too long in AIBU!)

You sound lovely too OP. You've had some great advice. I would say though that in my experience of severe domestic abuse (never hit), the effects (trauma) don't go away overnight and can last a lifetime if not addressed thoroughly. I read something once by a trauma expert who said that her research indicated that the level of trauma in victims of domestic abuse is the same as the trauma experienced by vietnam vets. One of the very sinister things about domestic abuse is that this horror is happening in broad daylight, nobody knows it's happening re we weren't on a battlefield in some foreign country. It is horrific and very traumatising.

I second garlic's suggestion about doing the Freedom Programme. ime it's a long road to effective healing (particularly if you are still battling the abuser on some level) and imo we need to keep plugging away. It does change you though and you notice the effects eg on your self-esteem.

Hi Springy, your post is very interesting and I'm so sorry you've been through the hell too. I have suspected for a while that I am still suffering from the effects of the abuse, both in the past and ongoing now. I cannot seem to stop feeling that I'm still under fire and must watch everything that I do and say to make sure that I don't make a "mistake".

Sadly, I have had two episodes of crap from xh this week so far, one of them totally out of the blue which I could never have guessed at - you know, that feeling that no matter how much you thought things through, considered every angle to ensure that you did not get into trouble and did your best for everyone, you still somehow managed to get it wrong. The inevitability of getting it wrong (in his eyes) was and still is always present. Then I wonder why I think I'm useless - I've been told often enough over the years, even now when we have been split for years.

Got told to "piss off" last night - nice!

I left him to get away from it, only I didn't get away from it and suspect that it will go on forever all the time there is the link of dc.

Here I am again, up at 4.30 with my mind buzzing and knackered. Had a better day yesterday, at least until the evening! Will look at the Freedom Programme I think.

Yet more crap this morning - feeling a bit sick today and have had just about enough. Just can't be bothered to do anything and don't know how I'm going to manage to return to work after my holiday.

I have started the online CBT course which is really good and I'm trying hard to get myself into the right mindset for it. Did well with it yesterday.

Very tired.

I am sory you are feeling so low xanthun

Just more support here. I went through similar with an abusive ex who totally battered my self esteem and perception of who I was. For a long time, without being aware of it, I hated myself.
I went through three years of counselling and am still only just coming to a stage where I can feel on top of things. I've had a lapse lately where I am back on anti depressants for the first time in years but mainly because I struggle with anxiety more than anything. As someone else said, ADs can give you the mental breathing space to feel on top of things again and make the changes you need in the long term.
As far as the coil goes, I've had a copper one for nearly 10 years now, I don't notice my periods are any heavier than they were previously. As an aside, I think it's far easier to treat the physical symptoms of a heavy period, say with painkillers, than treating the ups and downs that the mieran is potentially giving you.

I also left my abuser to get away from the abuse (let's pat ourselves on the back there! It was a HUGE thing to leave them). Like your situation OP, the abuse continued and never let up. he died about 5 years ago and I admit to a feeling of total elation when I heard about his death. I was free.

though I wasn't free. Granted, I didn't have to second-guess his next stunt constantly, and I wasn't living with him. But the trauma of it all... well, that was still with me .

We've jsut got to chip away I think. There's a lot out there in terms of addressing all the trauma and horror, unlike in the old days. The Freedom Programme is amazing, really very good; but I think we need some one-on-one therapy too, plus books etc etc. I remember reading about the Beirut hostages who had a period of

So sorry not been on for a while. Thank you so much for your support and advice. Seems like Rosie and Springy, you have been through much the same as me. I do feel some days that I am permanently damaged by all the crap. Came across another thread on here several days ago about how a lot of women come to realise that they have been through sexual abuse stuff from a young age (some low level or so we think). Very thought provoking for me and does go some way to explaining why I can be funny about being complimented on looks or body. I just can't see it for what it really is.

I'm doing ok at the moment - up and down. Xh has left me well alone which, in some ways, I feel wary off because it normally means trouble when there is radio silence for a while! I am practising challenging my negative thoughts at the moment and it is helping a bit.

Just so tired though - so tired and dreading going back to work where my base line stress levels are challenged every day.

Springy, what you say about trauma is very interesting. Living with xh was a bit like being on the front line emotionally - never knowing when you would do something wrong that needed punishment - awful. I do laugh at some of the crap now too and it is getting easier but some of it is still so personal.

xan. Have you ever tried a retreat? Not necessarily religious, but a place to find peace?

I would also recommend a psychologist (expensive?) over counselling. These people are doctors and can really get through some of your thinking.

Posies that's an interesting idea. I find peace pretty much impossible to achieve. My brain is on overload all the time. What do you mean by retreat if is isn't a religious thing?

As for psychologist - money is tight so not really an option at the moment. I do think it is my flawed thinking that causes the problems. This thinking is what makes me so down on myself and wondering when life will come crashing down again as it periodically does in my experience. I keep telling myself that life doesn't have to be that way and that I am a survivor anyway. I can get through it all again if I have to but would rather not have to!

PTSD comes to mind - post traumatic stress disorder. I don't know enough about it really but the constant 'on alert' stress you are describing sounds like something that could be part of post-trauma iyswim.You could ask your GP to refer to a psychologist. May as well give that a go? If you have diagnosed PTSD that may go some way to getting you some effective treatment.

btw the laughing about abusers' ridiculous behaviour: I've said on here before that for 2 years I went to a support group for victims of domestic abuse. We almost always, in between the trembling (literal) and crying, ended up laughing hysterically until we practically wet ourselves! That was so healing. I haven't been able to get to that alone iyswim, it was something to do with the group dynamic. We didn't plan it either, it just sort of happened. Black humour I think they call it.

Well I think you can go on a meditation thingy, (obviously an expert) I will look into it. A friend went on a religious one, a silent retreat and connected with God. But if you're not religious and it's silent I'm not sure anyone would know!!

here
Christmas present
here
maybe the kickstart you need

Springy, hi, lovely to hear from you again. The support group you mention sounds like a lovely supportive environment and it's so great when you laugh that much - it's very healing isn't it. Even though I've been split from xh for quite a few years, is it too late to look for something like that? Sounds like you had a terrible time and I'm so sorry you had to go through all that awful stuff. People who have never experienced it have a very difficult time understanding how damaging it is. It's like well it's over now so you should be able to move on and forget all about it. However, we know it doesn't work like that at all.

Posies thanks so much for your links - they look really interesting. I actually really like the idea of a religious retreat - feels very nurturing and accepting if you know what I mean. Will have a good look later. You are very thoughtful.

There are loads more religious ones, although not religious I quite fancy going to a convent!!

aw thank you xanthum, I'm having a very bad day and your loveliness is a balm

I'm sorry you're still feeling so low xanthum. Just to say thinking of you, I hope things get better soon.

One book I strongly suggest for any woman whose come out of a nasty relationship is Women Who Love Too Much by Robin Norwood, but I think you must read it whilst getting some other support/counselling as it's pretty tough. I recognised myself straight away! I was a clingy lover with self esteem issues. Not a good combination. Ever.

Anyway xanthum you're a lovely person you can see it in your posts, so never put yourself down. Do whatever is necceassry to get your inner person and confidence back. Counselling, learning a new skill, changing your job, setting yourself goals, getting away, pampering yourself weekly, reading self help books or tapes. Anything you think necessary.

HTH