I have been with my partner for 3 years and on the whole we have a good relationship and he is very good to me. I have been married before to a very abusive man who still gives me problems on a reasonably regular basis in terms of hitting my self-esteem hard both as a mother and a human being.
I have a very stressful full-time job which leaves me totally exhausted when I get home. I have been having problems at work with my stress levels and have been very snappy with others. I have 3 roles in my job which I am just not coping with at all and have fixated on one woman who I work with who seems to never get stressed, always breezes around and points out to me (in a very friendly way) things that I have missed or comments on the untidiness of the office. I know this sounds weird but she is everything that I would like to be - capable, calm, full of energy etc etc. It's like the more I look at her the more inadequate I feel.
These days I seem to hate myself and feel that I let down everyone around me, my partner, my workmates, my children. I am so utterly exhausted and drained and low.
The main issue is that I have no libido whatsoever. Nothing. I still find my partner very attractive but he knows that I hardly ever want to make love. He is a very loving and quite intense man and this has hit him very hard. I have also been having a problem with him complimenting me, even when it's just general nice stuff. He says lovely things about me but I feel uncomfortable. He sometimes stares at my chest and makes a "phwoar" type sound and I know he is trying to make me feel better about myself but I don't like it. I told him this recently and he took it badly, saying that he feels dreadful for doing something I don't like and he feels like I don't care about him. My history is not good with these kind of things and I can't deal with it. I don't feel in any way sexual at all - it seems to have gone.
I am very over-emotional a lot of the time and can cry at the drop of a hat. I just feel like I hate everything about myself and that I ruin everything I touch. I don't have a very good relationship record although I do recognise that my xh was absolutely horrendous and still is.
I also have a history of depression which started when I had my first dc and I feel like it is coming back and I can't bear to live like this any longer.
Why can't I just be happy? What the hell is wrong with me? Am I some kind of drama queen? I love my partner but I feel I am pushing him away. Please help and sorry for the length of this.