Is it me or him - and what can I do?

[StumpyStumped]

Okay, admitting upfront to a name change in case I bugger it up and get outed...

So.

Problem: DP has gone to bed, leaving me near tears. (In fact, it took ten minutes before he returned to say if I was staying up for a bit I should sleep on the sofa). This evening he paused the film to ask if 'everything' was alright. For me, it is. I love him, I love where we are, and although we have bugger all money I think we'll get by somehow. He thinks he's hanging by a thread, that I'm constantly on the verge of throwing him out, that I don't care enough about him, and that I'll get sick of a penniless life together and leave him.

But we did all this last night. I thought I had reassured him, but tonight I have to face up to the fact that it's irrelevant what I say. We did all this a few months ago as well. Four months ago he accused me of having an affair (NEVER, btw, just NEVER). And before that, etc etc - the point being this is a regular accusation. And I say 'accusation' because that's what it feels like.

Because he always throws all this stuff at me out of the blue and then won't discuss it! I spend my half hour or so explaining how much I love him, and try to get him to say why he feels like this, but all I can get back is 'I don't know', and 'drop it, will you'.

History: in case it sheds any light I've missed. I left a very well paid job in London, and he has earned very little (maybe £2k) in the two years we've been together - he denies it but could this be the problem, that he doesn't feel like a provider? Also, in the first 10 months we were together he dithered about his ex-girlfriend and whether he really loved her after all (NOT easy, as you can imagine) - but he was very depressed and I looked after him, and he picked himself up again, though he still bears some scars from her behaviour. He says he's not been cheated on before, so it can't be that clouding his outlook.

The Point: the tears thing is because I'm beginning to feel it's irrelevant what I do, let alone say. I have supported him emotionally and physically and financially, and it's not enough to reassure him. So what can I try to get him to see me as I am, instead of fretting away on the inside of his own head? Or if this is something he needs to sort out, how do I start to break down that I-don't-know-drop-it defence?

Any help gratefully received since I don't know what to try...

Do you want to spend your whole life thinking about what he wants, what he is thinking, what his motives for doing x y and z are?
Or would you like a bit of space in your head to think about what you might like?

Depressing thread, because the OP likely can't come back now that her abusive partner knows about it.

Nothing you ever do will be good enough. He will always feel bad/inadequate for some intangible reason he can't express to himself, never mind to you, and then he will blame you fully for it.

OP, I don't know if you're still around, but, I just wanted to say that to a fairly large extent, your situation and the pattern of your arguments reflects me and DH, but with me playing the role your DH does.
I think it is a communication problem, but also very much a problem your DH has with his self esteem, and the way he seeks reassurance. When I get depressed, I slightly lose touch with reality, and think things are worse than they are. I think the worst of people (especially my DH) because my self esteem can't understand why my DH wouldn't want to have an affair, because I wouldn't want to be with me when I'm like that.
I'm guessing your DH is looking for reassurance in a way that you don't provide, and inadvertently pushes you away when he doesn't receive what he needs to feel reassured. When he doesn't get that, he will probably try and push your buttons by saying hurtful things that if said to him he would think he would provide a reassuring response. He's reaching out for you even more, but ends up pushing you away.
I may be totally wrong, but thats how my mind works in an argument, and I hate it. I hate the way I can never believe what people say, and that nothing my DH can ever say to me is enough.
I'm currently seeking and receiving medical help for depression, but also panic attacks, which is what I've realised is what happens to me when I go irrational and horrible.
I hope this helps, and maybe gives you an insight into how your DH thinks and behaves. I'm not saying it's right, but he may have less control over it than you think he does.
Feel free to pm if you want to chat.

Well done for seeking help Naetha. Your poor husband must be having a terrible time of it.

The OP's situation is even worse cos he was still doing a line with the ex for the best part of a year, plus being a financial millstone, AND is emotionally abusive. And is a big enough bully as to make her come back on here and list his attributes, which only make him look even more pathetic.

Him making her come back and big him up would almost be funny if it weren't so bloody sad.

Christ almighty

This thread takes the prize for most depressing of the day/week/decade

It really does, AF.

OP, please value yourself more highly than this. It's so clear to all of us what a total cocklodger this man is, but I do know that it's hard to see that when you're living with it - one day I promise you will look back and shudder at what you put up with.

And please, please don't even consider having children with him.

she will

If there are no kids I'd be out of there.

Pandering to him and reassuring him is going to be a lifetime job for you, and he won't even be grateful. Worse, neither will it help him. It will keep him where he is, hopeless and needy.

If you have a layabout graduate son who won't work because he hasn't decided what to do with his life yet (it always seems to be sons who are like this), it does not help him to give him £50 a week while he makes up his mind.

It just defers his having to make up his mind at all, ever. He's housed, fed and given free money so there's no hurry, no decision to make.

Eventually you die and he inherits your savings and your house.

If you love somebody, set them free.

All his worries about his inadequacy will vanish the day he ceases to be inadequate. He just needs a boot up the arse to get there.

£20 a day job? Pfffffffft

I bet any money OP's DP approved her last post, to make himself look better, then he will use this thread as evidence that she is in the wrong for one thing or another, ridiculing him on MN or somesuch nonsense.

The fact that he went looking for this thread should really have alarm bells ringing. Im worried now that he's going to turn it up a notch.

OP you've had some excellent advice on this thread. I hope one day you will take some of it

Approved it? I was wondering if he'd written it.

Good point clam that wouldnt surprise me either

Especially the emphasis on the amount of money he earned, like that would make any difference

I'm still underwhelmed by his £8k a year including selling something off. What does he do, trade Airfix kits on eBay or something?

If he's behaving like this when he's still in effect on probation, WTF is he going to be like when he's settled in and doesn't feel any need to be on his best behaviour any more? He'll have her working round the clock to feed then coming home to a shitty untidy home and cooking his dinner to prove she doesn't despise him. then he'll tell her she's having an affair and everything's his fault.

People like this don't get better they get worse, because the longer they get away with it the more they expect to get away with.

The OP could find someone nice and supportive who will respect and value her opinions, needs and contribution and will impart their shared values to well rounded children while cooperating in making a warm and welcoming home for them all.

Or she can waste her life wet nursing some idle needy twat.

My SiL is married to one (but can't see it) so pse excuse the venom.

So today on Sesame Street the letter was C and we looked at the word "cocklodger".

What sad, depressing thread this is. I can't see any reason for the Op's partner to change as she makes it easy for him not to.

I think he's waded in too.

Shame