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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is it me or him - and what can I do?

91 replies

StumpyStumped · 15/10/2011 00:08

Okay, admitting upfront to a name change in case I bugger it up and get outed...

So.

Problem: DP has gone to bed, leaving me near tears. (In fact, it took ten minutes before he returned to say if I was staying up for a bit I should sleep on the sofa). This evening he paused the film to ask if 'everything' was alright. For me, it is. I love him, I love where we are, and although we have bugger all money I think we'll get by somehow. He thinks he's hanging by a thread, that I'm constantly on the verge of throwing him out, that I don't care enough about him, and that I'll get sick of a penniless life together and leave him.

But we did all this last night. I thought I had reassured him, but tonight I have to face up to the fact that it's irrelevant what I say. We did all this a few months ago as well. Four months ago he accused me of having an affair (NEVER, btw, just NEVER). And before that, etc etc - the point being this is a regular accusation. And I say 'accusation' because that's what it feels like.

Because he always throws all this stuff at me out of the blue and then won't discuss it! I spend my half hour or so explaining how much I love him, and try to get him to say why he feels like this, but all I can get back is 'I don't know', and 'drop it, will you'.

History: in case it sheds any light I've missed. I left a very well paid job in London, and he has earned very little (maybe £2k) in the two years we've been together - he denies it but could this be the problem, that he doesn't feel like a provider? Also, in the first 10 months we were together he dithered about his ex-girlfriend and whether he really loved her after all (NOT easy, as you can imagine) - but he was very depressed and I looked after him, and he picked himself up again, though he still bears some scars from her behaviour. He says he's not been cheated on before, so it can't be that clouding his outlook.

The Point: the tears thing is because I'm beginning to feel it's irrelevant what I do, let alone say. I have supported him emotionally and physically and financially, and it's not enough to reassure him. So what can I try to get him to see me as I am, instead of fretting away on the inside of his own head? Or if this is something he needs to sort out, how do I start to break down that I-don't-know-drop-it defence?

Any help gratefully received since I don't know what to try...

OP posts:
PosieIsSaggySacForLemaAndPigS · 15/10/2011 10:07

So he manipulated you at the beginning with this permanent 'do you want me enough' when dithering about his ex girlfriend and now he's asking you repeatedly if you like him enough?

I would simply say 'no I don't' and move on. He's hardly attractive is he?

PosieIsSaggySacForLemaAndPigS · 15/10/2011 10:08

Relationship is not about emotional nursing.

Katisha · 15/10/2011 10:19

You need to be in a relationship with someone who is an equal, who is an adult, who you don't have to walk on eggshells around.
Get rid. Life is too short. It's not up to you to fix him. Move on.

waterrat · 15/10/2011 10:35

If a friend told you that their partner was constantly accusing them of having affairs - completely wrongly - what would you think? you would think that was controlling and abusive. Also very unpleasant is throwing accusations at you and then refusing to discuss it - that isn't a genuine concern, it's just using his emotions and claim to 'distress' to 'win' against you by being the wronged person. If he isn't interested in talking he is being, at best, completely unfair - and at worst, a bully.

I used to be really insecure in relationships, when I was young I would often hurl mad accusations at my partners, sob hysterically and never really listen. It wasn't about trying to resolve problems, it was just the playing out of my own drama - and maintaining a drama at all times. I sorted this out MYSELF. Nobody could help me - none of my partners ever did - I changed myself, with help and counselling - and then I met the right person.

You cannot take responsibility for his response to life - if you are supportive, and here you are tearing your hair out trying to work out what to do - then he has his role to play. How can you be responsible for him if he hasn't found a sensible working pattern? he is an adult -I am freelance and i never, ever hold it against my partner if work doesn't go well!

stop enabling this behaviour - you are pandering to his drama and attention seeking. Sit him down very calmly and say enough is enough, that you love him but are not prepared to be an emotional punching bag anymore. He can get professional help - or the relationship is over. time apart would probably be a good idea. Dont spend your life feeling guilty for his issues.

CheerfulSingsOut · 15/10/2011 10:42

My guess is you aren't ready to leave yet but at some point you will be because this stuff will just keep happening and eventually you will become totally fed up with it.

I have been in a relationship a bit like this. There is something frightening and controlling about a partner who keeps harping on that you will leave them, they are not enough for you; because you subsequently (at least, at first) end up reassuring them and then you later feel trapped and unable to leave even when you start to want to, because you have 'promised' them you will never leave. What kind of a cretin must you be, you rationalize, to leave after such promises? Unfortunately they've engineered the whole situation to keep you anxious and geared towards their needs at the expense of your own.

Having been through this twice and both situations being either completely or bordering on abusive, I would say that I'm never again going to promise someone 'I will never leave them'. Adult relationships are not unconditional, they are constantly reevaluated based on the behaviour of both individuals. ANY person can leave for any reason, at any time. That's life. It's allowed.

His behaviour looks pretty atrocious and I suspect deep down you know that. My hope is that you don't delete this thread so that it will still be here as a reminder that it's not you, it's HIM when you eventually decide to leave.

Ultimately you can't stop him behaving like a needy arse, so you either put up and get more and more miserable because of it, or you get out. I know which option I'd be choosing.

pictish · 15/10/2011 11:12

"He's just no good at opening up about what worries him, so gets defensive. I get upset and go quiet because I feel pushed away, then he gets upset (I think) because he then feels left on his own to deal with whatever it is."

Oh the games that emotional abusers play. Such fun!

OP - he's a classic emotional abuser and manipulator and if you don't see him for what he is quicksmart, you're going to spend years utterly miserable.

BagofHolly · 15/10/2011 12:26

I can understand that you're not ready to leave. There is something HIGHLY addictive about the highs and lows of a relationship like this, and playing the Game.

So alternatively you can wait for HIM to leave. Which he will, undoubtedly, because:

  • he says you're a liar
  • he says he doesn't trust your motives
  • he's emotionally abusive
  • he doesn't give a shit about your feelings
  • he's verbally abusive
  • he says that he thinks he's badly done to (used for sex and DIY!)
  • he spent 10 months dipping his wick with the ex GF whilst you were presumably the Other Woman, and that means that
  • if he'll do it with you (be unfaithful) then he'll do it to you.
Original poster
StumpyStumped · 15/10/2011 12:39

Okay, time to shut down this thread. Huge, huge thanks to those of you who have taken the time to answer. I haven't agreed with the more 'definite' of the posts, but understand where they're coming from. I still think this is communication issue - he shouts/I back off.

But he went looking for this thread this morning and is very, very upset. I should point out that I was wrong about the amount he's earned - it's £3.8k, plus £4.2k for selling a campervan.

Also, I haven't said enough about the good things: he puts a lot of time into the business, he does a lot around the house and the garden, and has done absolutely everything for the last five weeks while I've been recovering from major surgery, including covering one of my jobs on Thursdays. He's taken very good care of me, and done a wonderful job.

We've had a long talk this morning and he knows the way we deal with things isn't right. But he is extremely stressed and anxious and we are both going to pay a bit more attention to how we deal with things.

Many thanks again.

OP posts:
Katisha · 15/10/2011 12:42

Oh dear. He went looking for the thread and now you feel the need to big him up.
He sounds like a toddler.
Or a bully.

I know you consider the thread closed but I hope a light is starting to shine at the back of your mind about what YOU want from a relationship.

Katisha · 15/10/2011 12:44

And the precise amount of money he has earned makes not a jot of difference. I wouldnt want to be hearing about this behaviour from someone on 100k to be honest.

pictish · 15/10/2011 12:45

Yes yes....he is quite right - he's a marvel of a human being and you just need to try harder.

Good luck - you'll need it OP xxxx

buzzskeleton · 15/10/2011 12:51

His stress and anxiety are his own to deal with - he shouldn't be routinely playing out his emotions on you - if he cannot stop himself, he should seek counselling to address his issues.

buzzskeleton · 15/10/2011 12:51

If you decide to get counselling, get it individually, not as a couple.

Doha · 15/10/2011 13:12

So the toddler throws the dummy out the pram and sits with a petted lip. Poor poor misunderstood boy.
OP your supposed DP is a controlling emotionally abusiv lazy twat--time you woke up and smelt the coffee. You are in for a lifetime of this behaviour.
It is time for you to get what you want from this relationshipyou have been with him 2 yearscan you imagine him in another 10 years time--same old same old...
Get out now while you can

Anniegetyourgun · 15/10/2011 13:16

Come back soon. Those of us who've been there won't say we told you so. Like I said earlier, I wouldn't have listened in the early days either. XH was so supportive, worked hard, and used to bring me a cup of tea in bed. He was always bringing me tea. (And sulking if I didn't drink it.)

Just don't have children with him unless/until he has seriously got his issues sorted.

glastocat · 15/10/2011 13:26

He is a total loser my dear, I just hope you realise it soon.

QuintessentialShadyHallows · 15/10/2011 13:35

But is it really worth it?

Are the two of you a really good match?
Can you not do better than this?

Do not make the mistake of staying with him because you have already invested so much into the relationship emotionally. That is not a reason to stay, that is a reason to throw in the towel and say "enough is enough, relationships should not be such hard work " (Not if they are any good, they shouldnt)

You don't have children, and you are not married, it is easy to start a fresh.
Imagine how bad this would seem to you if you had actually married this man, and had children with him?

I am sorry, but he seems pathetic and cruel in his attempts to control and abuse you.
And I am really sad how he has made you feel that you now need to come back and "put the record straight" about him. I hope you manage to extract yourself from this relationship.

CheerfulSingsOut · 15/10/2011 14:33

OP, you can always come back :) And as Annie rightly said, none of the women (or men!) who've been through the same will ever say 'I told you so' or anything like that. MN is here for if if you need it.

For what it's worth, I think him invading your online 'space' here in unacceptable. I hope you grow to see that. But talk to people in RL about this, people who aren't mutual friends; don't shut down your concerns or brush it under the carpet; you were clearly worried enough to post and I think that says a lot.

Take care of yourself.

LesserOfTwoWeevils · 15/10/2011 14:48

It's not you, it's him.
You can't fix him.
It's not your job to fix him anyway.
You can't make him happy because he's already happy. He has you just where he wants you.

DontGoCurly · 15/10/2011 14:52

You're casting pearls before swine OP. He's supposed to ddo half the work in the relationship. It's not your job to fix him.

However I did the same myself and wouldn't be told either. Ho hum. You'' learn the hard way.

PosieIsSaggySacForLemaAndPigS · 15/10/2011 15:19

So instead of being embarrassed and ashamed about the way he treats you and makes you feel, he worried about what a bunch of strangers thought about his gardening!

He sounds like a complete waste of time.

When it gets so bad that you have to leave, please come back if you need your hand holding.

solidgoldbrass · 15/10/2011 18:45

Hey wanker, if you're reading this again (this being to OP's inadequate needledick partner) The sooner she dumps you the better. You will be a loser all your life unless you get a grip.

ImperialBlether · 15/10/2011 19:05

I wouldn't want a relationship like that.

PosieIsSaggySacForLemaAndPigS · 16/10/2011 09:54

SGB. I think he has a perfect grip, I don't think he needs all this attention to make him reassured, I think he needs it to keep OP under complete control. (But wholeheartedly agree with the needledick comment)

madonnawhore · 16/10/2011 11:05

This relationship sounds exhausting and shit.

Someone telling me to 'fuck off' in anger even just once would be a deal breaker for me.

Disgusting.

OP you will never be able to make him reassured enough and happy enough. Because the whole point of his behaviour is not looking to you to solve his problems, it's so he can get a kick out of seeing you dance to his tune.

By definition, things will never get any better.

I really hope you manage to get out of this abusive situation soon. Because that's what it is, it's abusive. Verbally and emotionally.

I also think it's really sad that you had to come back on here and list his pathetic 'achievements' to try and mitigate what a wanker he is.

Even with you back tracking like this, those of us who have been in emotionally abusive relationships can see this dynamic for exactly what it is.

Please read up on emotional abuse. And read Lundy Bancroft's book, Why Does He Do That? I bet you spot your cocklodger in there.