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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

You were all right.....broken

86 replies

JosStarship · 14/10/2011 10:18

my H has been avoiding discussing his EA so much so that I actually considered getting a sim reader to try and uncover myself what had been going on.

Last night I gave him the ultimation discuss it or go....bet you can't guess whats coming :(
God this is so hard..I don't know what to do I really don't. I am so alone I have no RL friends nearby at all. I went mental, went round to see OW chucked the phone bills at her, told her husband that she had been sleeping with my H, (i wish I hadn't now, thank gods I was very calm and not fishwifey like at all :)) I kicked him out and told him I want a divorce. I really thought it was just an EA that got a bit touchy feely, never did I think he would shag some OW down some scanky lane (Classy!) repeatedly. Whoever in my first post that said about her waiting in the loo wasn't far off she waited round the back of the pub. This isn't the first time she's done this according to gossip, the family moved into our village because she had done it before and her husband wanted a fresh start. Poor bloke :(
What do I do...I have being devouring advice for affair threads on here for weeks and now its actually happened I feel dead...
I might not answer straight away DC2 is poorly so lookng after him but please help me get through today..

OP posts:

ChippingInToThePumpkinLantern · 16/10/2011 23:13

Of course you miss him - he's been a part of your life for a long time.

You'd miss a wart if it was removed too - doesn't mean it was a good thing!

No - not all men are this shit. Yes, a lot of them are and a lot of women on MN have been shat on but it doesn't mean you wont ever find a lovely one :) Not that you want to think about that right now!!

FWIW - I think your last post is spot on and you would be picking up the pieces again in time... :(

Original poster

JosStarship · 16/10/2011 23:17

chippingin yes I think he went looking too, of course FB was a misunderstanding and the APP was all about hiding the text messages, pictures and god knows what else. LOL @ wart comment :o

OP posts:

LOLerskates · 17/10/2011 00:06

Really feeling for you. I know that it is the worst thing in the world when your partner hurts you so badly, because they are the one that you normally go to when you are in pain, and who holds you and helps make you feel better. So it can sometimes be so easy to give in to the need for that comfort and let them weasel their way back in. But it's no good, really it's not. Like you said, you will always remember what he did after that 'welcome home' hug. I wish you all the strength in the world - hug your kids lots, eat some cake, watch a stupid funny movie to let your brain have some time away from sorrow, even if it's only for a minute.
This is one of those times when we should have some kind of internety map-amajig of us all - we could see if any of us are nearby to come kneecap the bastard offer you support.

Bledkr · 17/10/2011 09:58

Jo Glad you are finding strength here,i wiah id have known about mn 7 yrs ago. You will find the same positive effects from rl friends.

For me it was an easy choice to make as i knew i would spend the rest of my life trying to live up to being a "pretty and sexy wife" i mean who the hell can do that all the time? I decided it was better to get over him than stay and feel insecure. Once i had decided i felt a lot stronger too.
Itis completely up to you what you decide to do tho,you are the only one who has to live it. Some people get over it ok.

Try to minimise contact for a bit and allow your self time to process what has happened to you.

As lol says,be kind to yourself and take some time to relax and treat yourself involving chocolate and big pjs.
Maybe have a night out with the girls,whatever you need to do.

One thing i can promise you is that you will be fine.

buzzskeleton · 19/10/2011 12:03

Hope you're ok, OP.

carantala · 19/10/2011 20:28

Hope that you are ok Op and will get through the very tough times which are ahead; best wishes!

Original poster

JosStarship · 20/10/2011 14:53

Thank you for your follow-up's:)

Busy few days sorting things out and talking with H. After sunday when he came down to watch the kids, letting him walk back out the door was heartbreaking for me and I knew then I really did not want to let our relationship die without trying. We met up again on Monday night just the two of us and went out to the middle of nowhere so we could talk in peace and I could shout without worrying the neighbours :) He was very honest about his relationship with OW (I can only hope this is the case) and put the blame firmly with himself. Although he does say we had lost our way - which is true. He is desperately sorry and does not want to loose what we had ( I have to believe this). Crucially, he ended it, he realised what he was doing was stupid and wrong, the timing of the texts seem to agree with this. Whether it would of restarted, if I hadn't found out I don't know, I suspect so though, once he got a taste of it, i imagine its hard to stop yourself going back for more - if your getting away with it there are no consequences are there?
On wednesday we had our first Relate session which went absolutely brilliantly, very sad, but very positive. I am looking forward to the next session, we talked more in 1 hour than we have in years. We went to MacD's after for a coffee and it was like a first date, so this is what we have decided to do...date each other again..find each other again...He is still at his mums but is staying over Friday for childcare reasons and so we can have a dvd night, takeaway, wine.
I know it is not going to be easy I am still incredibly angry with him and obsess about the details of it all, picking at it and loking for holes in what I'm being told. This will all take time. Thank you for all your support and those of you who said leave him I'm sorry I just can't not without trying. 20 years is a long time to chuck away. Guess I need to join the "surviving an affair" thread now. wish me luck, I think we are going to need it.

OP posts:

MadAboutHotChoc · 20/10/2011 16:09

Thanks for the update - I know what you mean about not wanting to throw away 20 years (that was how I felt too). Do take your time - its not an easy road and your H has a lot of work to do to help you both recover.

Good luck - see you on the surviving an affair thread

ChippingInToThePumpkinLantern · 20/10/2011 16:58

I'm glad you have been able to talk to him. I really, really hope he has learnt from this and that you can work it out and be happy.

However, if in time you aren't, think about this.... *20 years is a long time - the rest of your life is also a long time. You can only change one of those things :)
*

buzzskeleton · 20/10/2011 17:11

Good luck, I hope it works out for you.

What does he say about the lead-up FB flirting etc?

mathanxiety · 20/10/2011 20:18

Hope he will be as good as his word. You are brave to try to repair it.

I hope your counsellor will be able to help you both through the roller coaster that lies ahead. It's not a straight ride into the sunset.

But all the best, and keep on posting if you need support.

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