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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

You were all right.....broken

86 replies

JosStarship · 14/10/2011 10:18

my H has been avoiding discussing his EA so much so that I actually considered getting a sim reader to try and uncover myself what had been going on.

Last night I gave him the ultimation discuss it or go....bet you can't guess whats coming :(
God this is so hard..I don't know what to do I really don't. I am so alone I have no RL friends nearby at all. I went mental, went round to see OW chucked the phone bills at her, told her husband that she had been sleeping with my H, (i wish I hadn't now, thank gods I was very calm and not fishwifey like at all :)) I kicked him out and told him I want a divorce. I really thought it was just an EA that got a bit touchy feely, never did I think he would shag some OW down some scanky lane (Classy!) repeatedly. Whoever in my first post that said about her waiting in the loo wasn't far off she waited round the back of the pub. This isn't the first time she's done this according to gossip, the family moved into our village because she had done it before and her husband wanted a fresh start. Poor bloke :(
What do I do...I have being devouring advice for affair threads on here for weeks and now its actually happened I feel dead...
I might not answer straight away DC2 is poorly so lookng after him but please help me get through today..

OP posts:

mathanxiety · 15/10/2011 15:44

Cheering for you, and that anger of yours. Well done.

However, she is not the one who made promises to you to love, honour, cherish, etc.

You don't have to do anything in the short term re facilitating the DCs seeing their father and I doubt he will push you too hard on this point in the immediate future. If you think you would feel invaded if he were to come to your home, then you can tell him he can take them to a park or somewhere else for a short visit. Yes, he is their only father, but that doesn't mean you have to allow yourself to be walked on or have your space taken from you to facilitate their relationship if you don't feel comfortable having him inside the house.

You still have the moral high ground -- the texts you sent do not chip that away one inch. You get to do the driving now, in your relationship with him.

Original poster

JosStarship · 15/10/2011 20:47

LOL {hugs} for you all, you've made me laugh out with the general overall support for fishwifeyness. God I was so angry and it was directed at them both, as you say she didn't break any vows with me. According to H she did do all the running, (I can see your eyes rolling from here :)) and her relationship was on rocky ground and so it all began when he started giving her advice, apparently OUR history hasn't been good for YEARS either - complete shock to me..I know it's been tough over the last year but really suspecting your H is having an affair and hiding stuff doesn't really make me horny or happy.
I have to go get mum & dad from airport tomorrow, so have told him he can have the kids then, I really mustn't start punishing him with child access and I think that could be an easy trap to slip into, apart from anything else its not DC's fault and they love their daddy very much.
I still have no idea were I see US, her husband obviously didn;t believe a word I said because he's still with her and I was so hoping she'd be kicked to the gutter , she drove past me this afternoon and didn't half give me the evils, now I know who she is I'll probably keep seeing all over the bloody place. Anyway I feel in a better place tonight than I did this morning so am allowing myself a largesmall glass of . Cheers to you wonderful lot :o

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AnyPhantomFucker · 16/10/2011 17:09

how you doing today, jo ?

Original poster

JosStarship · 16/10/2011 21:21

Desperately lonely. I don't know how to do this, I feel empty running on autopilot. Haven't slept properly for god knows how long. I feel so so sad.

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buzzskeleton · 16/10/2011 21:38

Have you told your parents? Or are you not sure what you're going to do, so holding off?

I'm sorry you're feeling so low. It is really painful. You're bound to be cycling through anger and misery. [gentle squeeze]

AnyPhantomFucker · 16/10/2011 21:50

I am so sorry, jo

it isn't right, that you feel so alone

where are your friends/family ?

nobody should have to feel like that...so shame on your partner that he did what he did, when you have so little support

Landedgentry · 16/10/2011 22:00

If he's staying at his parents Jo, it's a great shame that they are giving him safe harbour. If his Mum was also stupid enough to collect his clothes rather than forcing him to deal with his own mess head-on, then you can see why he's in no rush to deal with real-life - and also where he got his sense of entitlement from eh?

Did he say that he hadn't been happy for years, or did this come from the OW? I suspect the truth is he manufactured any unhappiness in the marriage, to allow him to have an affair. Therefore your recollections about only the past year are spot-on.

Apart from wanting this never to have happened, have you any more sense of what you want Jo?

I hope you've told your parents and some close friends, because you need RL people now to keep you strong.

Original poster

JosStarship · 16/10/2011 22:01

Yes I've told my parents, I intended not to until I knew what I was going to do, but I'm afraid I saw my dad and just started to cry and couldn't stop. very embarrassing as we were in the airport car park. I think they are in as much shock as I am, they knew some of the tale and my mum said she wasn't surprised as H hasn't been acting like his usual self for some time. They haven't really given any advise, I don't suppose they feel they can but to think about it all very carefully before making any decisions.

DC1 is very aware now that something is wrong at home, he told me this morning that I was "better than pretty" and I sobbed - I tried not to but it was so heartbreaking him rubbing my back and soothing me - FFS he's 5 years old he shouldn't be seeing mummy like this but I just couldnt help it. :(

H minded the kids while I did the airport run, DC1 was like hooray daddys home, it was awful telling him that daddys staying at Nanas for a while - we have said he's gone to help out as shes disabled. He was ok with this but then said as H left, he said "see you tomorrow daddy, we miss you don't we mummy?" My heart felt as if it was being physically ripped out :( and I do miss him. I don't think i'm strong enough to do this but i also don't think I'm strong enough not to, if that makes sense. When I looked at him today I absolutely hated him.

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AnyPhantomFucker · 16/10/2011 22:07

I am so sorry, jo

LG do I know you under another name ?

Original poster

JosStarship · 16/10/2011 22:09

Yes he's at his parents. His mum said she was "furious" with him but couldn't see him homeless. Now he's back there I suspect he's done a rewriting history session on them, which seems to be all very much against me. I haven't really heard from her since which is sad because before he had spoken to her about the affair she was very much on my side, but I guess she is his mum and is going to want to look after him.

I have no idea what I want. Should I know that I want to give it another go...right now I really can't bear the thought of having him anywhere near me. Talking to him today made me very sad, but also very very angry . He has been texting me, saying he's sorry, blah blah blah and I had been texting back, but other than this mornings visit I have decided to haveno contact whatsoever so have been ignoring them.

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CrispyHedgehog · 16/10/2011 22:12

Jo, I'm so sorry for what you're going through. Be strong and take time to work out what it is you want. I was in your shoes not so long ago and allowed myself to be rushed into taking him back and on reflection that was a big mistake.

Do try and have people around you if you can.. now is not the time to be alone xx

AF I wondered that too about LG

AnyPhantomFucker · 16/10/2011 22:17

if you need some space, you are right to ignore him

you do not have to reply

Original poster

JosStarship · 16/10/2011 22:26

To be honest I am not sure I can forgive and forget. He has totally destroyed what I thought we had. I found coming on here really helpful, but theres only so much you can say, so I have been writing down my thoughts to try to help me come to terms with it, when I reread it, its all about letting him go but when I think of doing that, god does it hurt. Plus its not just about me, I have 2 beautiful children to think about who will miss their daddy very much :(

OP posts:

mathanxiety · 16/10/2011 22:26

You can go so far as to tell him to stop texting and only to contact you at a certain time if he absolutely must.. It's quite an intrusion to have someone popping into your head like that, interrupting your thoughts or feelings.

Original poster

JosStarship · 16/10/2011 22:33

math (love the name BTW :)) I hadn't thought about that..I shall now do so :) Yes it is an intrusion I just get my feelings under control and my phone beeps which sets me off in a tizzy again.

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AnyPhantomFucker · 16/10/2011 22:36

Jo...I don't want to influence you either way

but if you don't want to give him another chance...you don't have to

the ball is in your court

seriously...what your cheating twat of a partner doesn't actually realise yet is...you hold all the cards now

Original poster

JosStarship · 16/10/2011 22:45

APF thank you :)

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buzzskeleton · 16/10/2011 22:48

He would still be able to have a loving strong relationship with your children, without having to be back with you.

You don't have to decide either way yet - it's really really soon after finding out for sure.

GreenMonkies · 16/10/2011 22:56

I kicked my cheating Ex out 6 months ago. He had a couple of online dalliances and then I caught him out cheating big style. It wasn't fun, I was worried about all kinds of stuff, but the truth is I'm happier now. I now wish I'd kicked him out when I caught him with his first online affair.

Take your time, think it through, check out tax credits & CSA online (they'll give you an estimate of how much financial support you'll get) and get some counselling. For you on your own, if nothing else.

Original poster

JosStarship · 16/10/2011 23:02

buzz My mind is in a constant spin, one minute I'm missing him and just want to go back to how we were, I miss the "I'm home " hug I used to get so so much, but its been tarnished because I now know the "I'm home" hug was followed by a sneakly 1/10/20 texts to the OW so that happy memory has been destroyed, I'll never want him to do that again because thats all I'll remember about it...everything that made him mine has gone..do I want something thats not committed 100% to me, do I fuck no I do not

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Bledkr · 16/10/2011 23:06

You have had such alot of good advice i wont bang on but just wanted to say that like you and others,my exh had an affair and left me with 4 kids a big debt and breast cancer,we had been together for 18 yrs since we were kids. I thought my life was over and could imagine how id cope.
I was feeling much better after afew weeks,even better after a few months a haircut,few nights out and a toyboy.
6 years later i dont really think about unless its to do with the kids,i am re married and very happy. Its not going to be the best few months of your life but its a fresh start and you will absolutely be fine.The only way is up.

Original poster

JosStarship · 16/10/2011 23:08

Greenm honestly are all men shit? there seems to be so many posts or posters on here that have gone through this. I'm so glad that it worked out for you. What worries me that is I let him back, he thinks, well no he will have got away with it, so when/if the next OW comes along with another sob story he'll fall for it cock, line and sinker and I'll be left picking up the pieces again. I'm making an appointment with CAB tomorrow to see what I need to do.

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ChippingInToThePumpkinLantern · 16/10/2011 23:09

Jo - you don't have to decide yet. I don't want to influence you either - but having read what LG said re facebook relationships and the Hide Me APP... this wasn't a one off fuck up was it - he went looking for it, and found it.

There's no way he'd be coming back after humiliating me like this and treating me like he has you, no way.

But you are you, not me, and you don't have to decide yet.

Bledkr · 16/10/2011 23:11

Jo you sound very together actually and are processing things really well.See each day as another day ticked off from feeling shit. I used to have a bit of time to process my feelings in bed at night and then put it out of my head and sleep. Anxiety,belly ache,insomnia,confusion,anger are all normal and will get less intense as time passes.
You'd think someone would have invented a heartbreak pill by now fgs

Original poster

JosStarship · 16/10/2011 23:12

Bledkr Thank you for your positive post and what an utter shit of a man . See I started the night feeling very sorry for myself and wallowing in self pity, come on here and i'm now in fighting form. Just wish that feeling could last :)

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