You were all right.....broken

[JosStarship]

my H has been avoiding discussing his EA so much so that I actually considered getting a sim reader to try and uncover myself what had been going on.

Last night I gave him the ultimation discuss it or go....bet you can't guess whats coming :(
God this is so hard..I don't know what to do I really don't. I am so alone I have no RL friends nearby at all. I went mental, went round to see OW chucked the phone bills at her, told her husband that she had been sleeping with my H, (i wish I hadn't now, thank gods I was very calm and not fishwifey like at all :)) I kicked him out and told him I want a divorce. I really thought it was just an EA that got a bit touchy feely, never did I think he would shag some OW down some scanky lane (Classy!) repeatedly. Whoever in my first post that said about her waiting in the loo wasn't far off she waited round the back of the pub. This isn't the first time she's done this according to gossip, the family moved into our village because she had done it before and her husband wanted a fresh start. Poor bloke :(
What do I do...I have being devouring advice for affair threads on here for weeks and now its actually happened I feel dead...
I might not answer straight away DC2 is poorly so lookng after him but please help me get through today..

advice *everyone :)

I went through this shit with my ex wife and booted her out. The lies and deceit were worse than the sex. She has regretted it ever since but thats the price you pay in my book.

Personally I could never stay with someone who did this. Everyone is different I know but to me its no good having the chats saying "If you ever cheat on me I will leave you" and then not doing it.

Some people have to stay I suppose due to financial reasons or other stuff but if you dont have to then I dont see the benefit of staying and spending the next two to three years going through loads of shit just to get back to 80% of where you were.

Its the ultimate betrayal and all this we are best friends that I read on these type if threads is shit because I know for a fact that my best friends would never betray me in any way at all as I would never them.

So sorry, love

I just typed a big reply, then got booted off

The short version is this : don't make any decisions yet, and don't be hurried by him

You don't know if you can get past this yet

He needs to firstly convince you he is sorry, and not just sorry he got caught

he has followed the "cheating twat" script from the beginning, and he is still following it

the deciet is devastating, but worst, humiliating

personally, I would never allow a person who had humiliated me to that extent back into my life, but many people do

so take your time, and decide what is best for you (not him, and not dc... you )

Hello again. No way should you let him dictate this-you are so right to give yourself space. Of course he wants to "come home for tea and baths and bedtime" GRRR. He should have thought of what he'd lose shouldn't he.

He will (IME) put this type of pressure on you a great deal, he is frightened, and so he should be. As others have said, there is no need to rush into any decisions-you'll feel weird for a while anyway-up one minute, down the next. Come on here and talk to us, I wish I'd had mumsnet when it happened to me.

We did (i think anyway) have a good relationship up until about a year ago when he started distancing himself from me, we were arguing all time and I couldn't get to the bottom of it, in the end I decided we were goig through a rough patch but thought we would find our way through in time, and I stopped trying and just let things tick along.
Exactly the same with us.

So am I right to give myself some space..should I let him come round for tea witht he DC's I can't face him without wanting to punch him to be honest.
You need the space so tell him to stay away. Remember that now you need to put yourself and the DCs first, not your H's needs/wants.

Hi, Really sorry this has happened :(

I don't think you should let him come round for tea etc., I wish I'd been as strong as you when similar happened to me.
I agree with the others when they say 'take your time', maybe you could tell him that you'll consider him coming round in say a weeks time?

I'm sorry, I don't have any advice for you, but I did want to say that whilst 'she' may have more than you, it doesn't mean she is more than you.
Don't undersell yourself.

As my dear, dear Nan used to say, 'she sounds all fur coat and no knickers'.

Give yourself time and space. I think he should stay away tonight, let you think.

Totally agree with Maleview, I couldn't forgive this, nor stay friends with someone who treated you like this. (If someone called a "friend" caused you such friend, what the hell would an enemy do?!)

However, this is your marriage, and your life. What I would recommend right now is time. And space alone. As much as you need. His needs, wants and desires matter not a jot right now; he misses bathtime - tough. He'll have to get used to it. He needs to take responsibility for what he's done. And what he's done is lousy.

It is such early days for you; you must spend the next few days, weeks, months even, sorting out yourself. You are going through a kind of bereavement, and take it from one who knows - you will be on a rollercoaster. Youll feel anger, sorrow (for what you had, and thought you would have in the future); regret (blaming yourself - don't - he decided to break his vows - it's not your fault), and every emotion under the sun. You need to go with these - accept them, acknowledge them, and realise that they will pass.

I kicked twunt out 6 months ago, it is only recently that I found out that there is another woman - my instinct told me there was, but he told me there wasn't. I have no contact (other than about the kids). I am moving on, and life is good again.

There is light at the end of the tunnel - but please don't do anything to please him, or because he wants to see the kids. You need time and space. Above all you need to be kind to yourself.

Put yourself first. It's what he's been doing for ages.
X

Jo I mentioned on your last thread that I'd read your first. On this you said that he had also had inappropriate relationships on Facebook, so this affair isn't the only stuff you've got to forgive and he can't say that this was just a one-off lapse of judgement. Sounds like he has been on a fishing expedition for some time. He also downloaded a "hide me" app that aotomatically deleted his messages and when I read that, I wondered whether he was a practised deceiver and had been doing this for some time.

I would tell him that it is over, but in practice take your time. I also don't think you'll get all the information you need to make a decision, for a long time. There will be more lies to uncover and all I'm certain of is that you don't know the whole story just yet. I have a feeling there are a few more shock realisations to come just yet.

Get some practical help with the DCs while this is going on and consider going to therapy on your own.

Seen it.. quickly read it..will be back later...LG I'm sure your right..infact your post has made me be physically sick, I'd obviously blanked out all that other crap after hearing what I heard last night. Jesus how much more can there be.
He didnt come for tea, he rang and got his mother to ask for some clothes (what a man!) I made her put him on..told him to call once the kids are asleep. his clothes are in bags on his bike in the drive. Hes not coming in tonight.

What a knob. And his mother. Knobs R Us. I hope you have stuffed a couple of nappies or pull-ups pants in with his clothes. Knob.

Bad as it is and horrible though this feels, the truth is preferable to being treated as if you were a fool.

No tea with the DCs for him, is my advice. You can do better for them by turning yourself into a wreck by allowing his presence.

Thank you all so so much for all the posts, some I agree with and some I don't, but I am not going to post any more tonight. I am struggling to be honest, hes been and taken his stuff, I never saw him..I guess deep down I was hoping he would come in. So sad tonight, this day has passed in a blur, I want to wake up now and everything be back to how it was, whoever said I was being strong thats just my typing, not the real me at all. Tried not to cry in front of the DC's but its hard, eldest asked when daddy was coming in, (fortunately he used to him working at the pub so I told him he's working there till late and then out at the office tomorrow) and it set me off, had to pretend to go to the loo. Bedtime was awful DS2 whose is 2, likes daddy to put him to bed and tonight because he's poorly kept shouting out "dada" in the end I shouted at him that daddy was out and he'd have to make do with mummy :(
Can't stop thinking about what he's done and when...and that hes sat surrounded by his family and I've got no-one. :( my parrents are away and I don't want to spoil their break by contacting them. Anyway enough with the self-pity. No doubt I'll be back on, I find it very cathartic just typing out what I'm feeling..so sorry for you lot - you end up reading it :o

Take it easy, and have low level goals for tomorrow, like just watching dvds & eating junk with the dc. Don't try to do too much or do stressful time-dependent things, just keep it easy for yourself.

It's shitty.

However awful you feel, don't waver and go for the short-term fix of feeling better, by letting him come back.

It's normal and human to almost wish you could "un-know" all this and a part of you might be berating yourself for pressing for more information. But it really is best to know the truth. It is too important a decision to make it without all the facts.

Although it feels right now that nothing could be more dreadful, take some comfort from the fact that in actuality, the past year was the low point. During that entire time, you were being deceived and things were happening behind the scenes that you had no control over and knew nothing about. That was actually the scariest, most dangerous time of all.

Well I haven't maintained my dignity this morning I'm afraid, I went into complete melt down :( I fired off several really unrepeatable texts to my H as he was asking to come round today to see the DC's and then on top of that I decided to reread the whores OW lying texts she sent on "not revealtion day after all" which sent me into an utter rage I have never felt so much anger, it was scary actually, I was shaking and I honestly think if either off them had been in the room I would of stabbed them. I have never experienced anything like it...fortunately the DC's were having breakfast with peppa pig and otherwise distracted :) I sent her a very "fishwifey" :o text with very few non expletives in . Now very upset with myself, I had the moral high ground with my -ahem- dignity, but i've tarnished it slightly. Have managed to have a chuckle at the patheticness (Spelling??) of it all when she replied saying it was her sons phone....dear god why would her son be texting my husband over 4,000 times (yes I'm sorry to say I counted) in 3 months. I replied that it was really shit parrenting to use ones sons phone to tell her fuck budies she was ready and waiting..

Oh and APF any chance I can grap a look at the cheating twat script so I know whats coming next? :)

I know this might go against the grain on here, but I am cheering for you that you have sent a load of fishwifey texts and completely had your say. It's so very boring middle class to go down the 'do not stoop to his/her level' path.

You can say and text whatever you like frankly. So long as you don't go round there with a pickaxe and end up with a prison sentence, I wouldn't worry about loss of 'face' or 'stooping'. Let her have it with all barrels.

Try texting that you would be grateful if she and H could have the dc while he full-blown flu as you are not willing to forfeit the trip on the orient express (sex carriage) that your husband bought you for your wedding anniversary...would she mind awfully?

Cow. Your husband needs a lesson in hair pulling too.

I'll answer that.

The next phase is that he will realise you're more angry with her than him and so he'll capitalise on it and turn against her. Knowing that you've got no proof of what his texts said, he will claim that she regularly threw herself at him and became a bit of a bunny boiler . Doubtless he will also bring her past into it, when I suspect he's got past form himself

Don't fall for this and don't judge her morals as any worse than his. Of course you're right to be angry with her, especially as she lied to you and it's only fair that she is living with the consequences of her actions. Just don't end up blaming her more, that's all. They are both as bad as one another.

Focus on his behaviour now and not hers. Dignity is often overrated incidentally, so don't beat yourself up for showing how very angry you are. You have every right to that emotion, but now let it work for you and not against you.

I am cheering for you that you have sent a load of fishwifey texts

Oh yes, me too

The moral high ground enjoys a very expensive view.

YY to bunny-boiling sex stalker.
Has he claimed it's all your fault yet?
Or that he loves you both, it's just torture for him the poor love.
And you don't understand ...

Me three
There is plenty time for dignity later

Just let rip now if it makes you feel better

Remember at the end of the day your children only have one father, if he wants to see them get them ready so he can come and take them out.

Whatever you do try not to tarnish the relationship he has with the children.

What he has done is unforgiveable but he done it to you not the kids.

I'd be the same as you re the telling the OW's husband.

Try not to beat yourself up about it all, your husband is an ass and has shit on you from a great height.

Give yourself time to come to terms with it all and decide whether you want to divorce or try again.

I don't think a couple of days while she gets her head together and the kids think he's working is going to do their relationship with their father any harm at all, Fabby. The benefits of him working in the pub trade are that he has long weird hours so it won't be anything out of the ordinary. Obviously long-term something needs sorting, but for right now the OP doesn't need to worry.

And I'm another that was going 'rarr!' to the angry texts , OP. Anger is good. Like Landed said, don't get too focussed on the OW - it's gitface who made (and broke) his commitment to you.