Am I the only here who has put blanket on eyes and chosen to stay in troublesome marriage for the sake of children?

[confusedperson]

We have been together for 5 years and have two DC under 4. If I was to follow Mumsnet advice, I would have divorced him long time ago. I am main earner, main decision maker the one with most household duties. He earns little, is studying part time and is trying to pursue his career, while looking after our DC 3 days in a week. He is a not good parent (not consistent, lets DC watch too much TV so he can sit on computer, does not take them out). He is a bit boring as companion, does not talk much, does not make jokes, and does not engage well into conversations. We hardly spend any time together (partially because he works shifts). Also, I caught him on dating website recently, but his activity there was random and looked more out of curiosity, and it seems to have died out.
I liked in the beginning because he was and is hardworking (when he has a proper job), very tidy, neat, not demanding towards me in any manner, not going out with friends, a bit shy and not flirty manner, cleans after himself, takes care after children?s basic needs without reminding (nappy, food, bathing), complies with whatever rules I set in the house, gives the share of money that I ask (I ask a reasonable amount). Our sex life is regular and not bad (not very exciting though).
Basically, when I say it out loudly, he seems useless. I used to argue with him about it a lot, but I have learnt to detach myself emotionally, make decisions on my own and ask for his help where needed (should ask even more though). It sounds like a single motherhood, but I almost enjoy it, having all the responsibility for decisions. He is out for night work 3-4 nights a week, and I enjoy that time to my own. When he is in, I don?t mind, it is nice to have someone around for a small bit of conversation (actually we are both quiet people) or getting some help with children. We do not argue anymore, because I let him function on his own (most of time) and he usually helps when asked. He cooks, washes and irons for himself (we like different foods). On rare occasions we go out together to a restaurant or another town, but more likely I would leave DC with him and enjoy my cup of tea with a female friend.
He has broken my trust on couple occasions regarding money (like taking too many credit cards for whatever reason), but it didn?t do any material harm to me and hasn?t taken any further, and am just not interested in his financial matters anymore. We have separate budgets, the house is mortgaged on my name, I gladly put aside some odd money to my savings account, and I?d rather don?t know about his debts, if any (I suspect some few hundreds debt on his credit cards).
So we function fine, albeit mostly separate, on daily basis. Obviously DC enjoy having daddy around and they do no see any arguments or odd silences. I do not suffer emotionally (in an obvious way), but I understand that my expectations of having a family were different, and this is not how a family should be. I think I still have some feelings for him, but not sure whether is more sympathy or love. He has long term medical condition which could make his life shorter, and also he is still struggling to pursue his career. I sometimes feel sorry for him but this is not what keeps me with him. I just find it convenient. I don?t want to harm children. I think for breaking the marriage, you have to have a major reason, or feel really unhappy. I convinced myself, that if I am truly not happy, I will divorce, but that moment has not come yet. I wonder if I just blocked my emotions away?
I was married once before and my marriage lasted for 6 years (no children) I cheated on my xDH on several occasions. I was behaving immature and irresponsible. xDH forgave me, but later we split up (other reasons). One thing I realised that I was making mistakes and my xDH was kind enough not to dump me then. I learned a lot and became a responsible family person. Now, I can see that my DH is making lots of mistakes, but I just think that he has to learn in his own way? We will probably never be the most compatible people, but I don?t mind, as long as we have something in common and allow each other breath.
I am a bit afraid that I am blinding myself and wasting my time for something that could be fundamentally wrong. Have I put blanket on my eyes, or there are some of you who managed to live in a similar way, or came out the better way? Please share your thoughts.

Confused what I meant was that my Ex was self destructing. By staying with him, I was enabling and prolonging this. I was unable to stop him. My DS of course was suffering. He was becoming quieter and more aware despite the fact that he was only a baby. I was happy to throw myself into work, but eventually tired of being the one keeping it all together. I ended up craving respect, tenderness and love and became ripe for an affair. Had I gone down this road, the guilt would have made it impossible for me to actually make a change. I talked to my Ex. I told him how his actions and lack of actions were effecting our family. In his rational moments he agreed, but it had little impact on his behaviour.

I left. It was the hardest thing I ever did. I was racked with guilt, I was homeless, jobless and felt a failure. But I knew that I could save me and DS by doing it and staying strong; staying away. Ex arranged Relate counselling. They explained that what had been happening was Emotional Abuse. They advised me not to go back and advised him to take the

I'm now 3.5 years down the line. Life has changed. I have spent my time dealing with the past, making myself stronger and making a secure home for me and DS. DS is happy and confident and I am more resiliant and skillful. Ex? Well when I left, he had no option but to start doing real life (sort of) and got off the merry-go-round of pushing boundaries, damaging his family, hating himself for it and dealing with it by pushing the boundaries again.

I have not yet dated, but I may do soon. When I'm ready.

confused it seems like the reason you are not arguing is because you totally ignore him.
I think if you continue living like this with no emotions this attitude might spread to other relanioships i.e. with your friends, extended family or even with your children.

Also, on a practical level are you sure you are ok and safe financially? I'm surprised that you ignore his financies too. I'm not a lawyer but as far as i know when you are married you cannot detach yourself totally and you could find yourself in few years not only divorced but also with debts or even lose your house. Please check things.

One day one of you will meet someone else and it will be like waking up from a long sleep.

My dp and I have recently separated for the sake of our dd. It was healthy for her to see us not happy but on a very very positve note we are not over as a couple. We had a long chat and decided we still very much loved each other and wanted to be together so we are dating again so we can find ourselves again and sort out any issues we have. Then if we can do this he will move back in and we will all be very happy for many more years. We have already been together for 6 and a half years.

DD isnt being affected by this as she is still sees daddy lots and lots and she sees us alot happier. She also knows Mummy and Daddy still love each other and are trying to work things out. It wasnt a decision easy to make but if we still were under the same roof none of us would have been happy and nothing would of been solved.

My parents stayed together for the sake of me and my DB and I wish to God they hadn't.

They weren't all that dissimilar from you OP, no major troubles, but they were two fundamentally different people who should not have gotten married and neither was happy. Yes, we grew up in a "family" but by the time we were pre-teens we began to understand what it was and it really skewed my ideas about relationships. I didn't realise how much they had influenced me until I was married myself and I slowly found myself repeating things my mother had said to my father. My parents never touched each other - ever. And now I find physical touch with my DH very awkward because I'm not used to it. It's a completely in-built thing that was evidently programmed into me back then and I'm having to work hard to shake it off now.

My parents eventually divorced when I was about 13. I don't particularly thank either of them for my "family" life TBH.

confusedperson, I agree that it really depends what you are expecting from life and what is your idea of happiness.

I derive my ideas of a happy couple from my parents (as a lot of us in a good or bad way). They've had lots of ups and downs. There has been a time when my mum thought my dad was cheating (don't know to this date wheteher he was or not). But, despite all the problems, they still love and respect each other. My dad summarized it for me the other day as there was yet again some family issues on my mum's side 'I would not let anyone hurt your mum'. After more than 40 years of marriage, they still look out for each other, wondering if the other one is OK. That's my idea of a good relationship. What is yours? What is the type of relationship that will make you feel fulfilled?

The one thing yu do need to be very careful is about the effect on your dcs. Because having a non functional relationship with the father of my dcs, I know that it has a very strong detrimental effect on them. Even though we don't argue as such (I have distanced myself too much), there is no shouting. All disagreements are talked about when the dcs aren't there. On the surface it looks like they shouldn't be affected. Yet my oldest dc presents physical signs of stress (headaches, tummy aches etc...) that never appear when he is at school or wherever but only at home. That's not a coincidence.