Please be around whilst I break up with this crap man

[purplebridgett]

Hi everybody,

Was just hoping to get some support. Am about to break up with a man I know has been verbally and emotionally abusive towards me and I'm scared. He's got to go, no doubt about it. He doesn't love me and I don't love him. But I've now tried to break up with him six times and six times he's managed to persuade me to keep going (we've been together for 15 months). He's never hit me but he has a terrible temper and one time he did raise his fist.

I've realised trying to split up face-to-face is no good - he always wants to analyse our relationship and/or have one last hug and I end up getting drawn back in. The last time I tried to end he got very angry and ranted at me, calling me a cocksucker, a cock, a bitch. Then there was something about the look on my face that worried him and he calmed down and started telling me how worried he was about me. Then the next time I saw him it was all 'I love you, I want to cuddle you, I want to make love to you'. And back I went.

So it's got to be quick and clean and no looking back. Though on one level it feels cowardly, I've decided to do it by text and I'm going to do it tonight.

I don't have any close friends who I can talk to about any of this so please be around for me. I'm worried that after I've taken my son to nursery tomorrow he'll turn up on my doorstep or accidentally on purpose bump into me on the way home. I keep telling myself the worst that can happen is he'll launch into a tirade like before. But if I know anything about him it's that he's unpredictable and I have a serious case of butterflies.

Got to go to work.

Just back from the nursery run, or should I say nursery marathon - because I didn't see him yesterday I was even more worried I would see him today so I took a very long route all through the back streets, an hour there and an hour back! But I'm not doing it again - normal life, I've decided, resumes on Monday, come what may (no nursery tomorrow). Just got half an hour before I leave for work - again taking a different route and using a different bus stop to usual coz he's waited for me at the bus stop before. Once I'm at work I can breathe a sigh of relief for the day. In a way if there is going to be a confrontation I want to get it over with. The chances are all he'll do is shout at me and now I'm no longer trying to maintain the semblance of normal relations with him I can just call the police like people on here have suggested.

Thank you josie. But I know I've got hard times ahead. I've got learn how to keep away from people like him - this is the second abusive relationship I've found myself in (in the other one there was all the same sort of verbal stuff but it also got physical - slapping, kicking etc. But I eventually left and that was it. I guess my ex was an unhappy man who took his frustrations out on me, but the guy I've just ended with is continuing to scare me because there is something unhinged about him).

Plus there has been the sexual stuff with this guy which there never was with my ex.

purple, have you thought about calling Women's Aid and having a chat with someone about these men?

It's all anonymous, you don't have to tell them anything they don't want and it might help to talk to someone in RL about it.

Also, have you read Why does he do that? By Lundy Bancroft? It is incredibly useful, interesting and easy to read - it gives a run down of abusive behaviours and if you read it, it would help you to spot one of these wankers on a first date so you could save yourself the trouble of being involved with them again.

I guess he'll wait until the weekend.

Friday night always seems to act a catalyst even when full moon doesn't fall on that day.

He might have just given up - my ex did. Once it became clear he wasn't getting through vis text, email, calling and he had no idea where I was, he just gave up. Texted my mum saying "When can I see DS, is there another man, is it really over?" and as soon as she confirmed it was, he moved onto another girl! (I wasn't aware of this at the time)

Given up, Bertie?

Tempting as it may be to think that he's thrown in the towel, I suspect that Bridgett's newly dumped ex has spent the last couple of days in the skunk filled haze of 'I'll go see her tomorrow'- and that, given time, he'll appear on her doorstep.

I hope things go well for you purple but I think you need to do some work on yourself for future.

Call WA and get some information on how to change the pattern of the men you choose and I think you should give yourself a pat on the back for being strong and ditching this guy.

The photo thing would give me serious alarm bells. That would have been an absolute deal breaker for me.

yes, the weekend is probably when he will appear. Stay strong, silent and dont answer the door! IF he doesnt get the hint, call the police.

Got to work fine anyway. Will check out that book Uppity, thanks. And think I will ring Women's Aid and look into seeing a counsellor. Will probably post a few more times over the coming days - definitely if I hear from him.

I know I have low self-esteem but raising it just seems like an impossible task at the minute. Like I said, I have no close friends. There is just my family - critical mother, distant father - and until Tuesday this guy. And DS of course. He likes me but he's 3 and doesn't count! Some years ago I read a self-help book for low self-esteem that was supposed to be really good, recommended by therapists and everything, and it suggested doing things like making a list of your good points. I did all the exercises but didn't feel any better.

I concluded the problem is we don't live in a bubble - what is the good of convincing yourself you're a fantabulous person if that view isn't shared by anyone around you? I've taken a thorough inventory of my character and am well aware of my strengths (and weaknesses) but it's not helped me make friends or improve my life. Though I doubt myself all the time, I feel in my heart I'm a good person. I have obsessive-compulsive disorder and have more or less decided that is what makes people steer clear of me, coz I can't think what else it could be (I'm not that awful!). Who wants to hang out with somebody who has to step in and out of the door seven times when they could hang out with somebody normal?

Is there nothing you could do to reduce the OCD?

I've had a number of unsuccessful rounds of cognitive behavioural therapy and been on and off various medications for years. I try to be subtle about it and I believe many people never notice (people have told me this in the past) but they know intuitively something is not quite right.

You need a therapist (s) who can address each issue, someone who knows and can help with OCD, someone to boost self esteem and help you to choose better partners in life.

I will be your friend purple a bit of hokey cokey in the doorway doesnt phase me in the slightest.

And I mean the kiddies dance hokeycokey, not horizontal jogging hokeycokey, just so we are clear.

purple you sound really nice and I'd be your friend too :) OCD stuff doesn't really phase me. I'm also a single mum with a 3 year old DS and hardly any friends, and I know how isolating it can be and how in turn that can make you more vulnerable to losers like your ex. It is difficult.
But you sound like you have a great sense of humour and a lot going for you. It's definitely worth exploring other avenues of therapy until you find something that works for you. In the meantime, I hope this creep leaves you well alone and you don't have any more aggro from him.

how has your weekend been purple

Sorry for not posting until now - been keeping busy around the house and trying not to think too much about things. Good news: I didn't hear from him all weekend. I'm feeling a strong sense of finality, hopefully he is too (seven is a strong number according to numerology so maybe it was ending with him the 7th time that did it :o). Feeling ok but did have a nightmare about him last night - nothing happened per se, I just dreamt very realistically that I'd been sucked in to getting back together again and I felt an overwhelming despair of ever being free of him. Can't describe how relieved I was when I woke up and realised it was only a dream!

But generally I feel like a weight has been removed from my shoulders. A couple of weeks ago I began a basic counselling skills course at college, on Thursday I have an appointment to go view a possible new house (have wanted to move for ages not coz of him but coz there are a lot of problems with my house) and for the first time in ages I feel like the future has possibilities for me.

Going to do the nursery run as usual later - normal route, normal time - so let's see how that goes.

It sounds like you have turned a corner in your personal life purple well done. If you ever waiver just remember how you feel NOW, that relieved feeling that you are in control.

Hope it all stays calm and fingers crossed for your new house.

Didn't see him on the nursery run! Though I ended up leaving later than normal. Thank you witchesbrew.

Hopefully, he's found someone else but somehow I don't think you've seen/heard the last of him.

If you are able to move to another house, will your dc need to go to a different nursery school?

It finally happened - I saw him. He accidentally on purpose bumped into me on the way to the bus stop to get the bus to work. I got the impression he was trying to show me how ok he is with us breaking up. I was of course very wary when he stopped to speak to me but he just made a bit of small talk (e.g. how are you, where are you going? Er, funnily enough the same place I go every day at that time - work!) and walked on.

So I survived :) And there was no anger or horribleness, which makes me much more confident he has accepted it is finally over.

Unless I have further problems with him I think this will be my last post on this thread. Thank you so much for all your advice and support at this difficult time, I really appreciate it.

Going to go now and enjoy a :)

P.S. izzy if I move house I'd keep DS in his current nursery coz after a lot of teething problems he is happy and settled there.

well maybe he has food for thought and has realised you mean business this time. Keep 7 as your 'lucky' number but dont let it take that amount of time to ditch an arse ever again.

Hi all,

Well, of course it was too good to be true. He has waited for me in the street a number of times now (and been knocking on my door, but that I've just been ignoring). Last Tuesday it was when I was on my way to work, he wanted to borrow some money and when I said no he said fuck you, you silly bitch before walking off. Today it was on the way to nursery. He came up and started walking alongside me, telling me how he's lonely, he misses me, he wants to 'make love' to me one last time. I had DS in the buggy and I said look, I'll give you a call when I've dropped him off and maybe you can walk part of the way home with me. But then I got inside the nursery and thought WTF am I doing? I have no desire to speak to him. So I rang for a taxi - the advice I got given on here to always have a topped up mobile phone and taxi money on me was so good. The taxi actually passed him stomping up the road, though I don't think he saw me. I knew he was on his way to my house and sure enough a few minutes after I got in he was banging on the door. Ignored it, he went away and then I sent him a text saying I changed my mind, I have nothing to say to you, please leave me alone.

I just can't believe he hasn't got it through his head that it's over. Why does he think I've not contacted him at all for a month?

Am going to ring Women's Aid tomorrow when I've got time to speak to them properly, was just hoping for one or two messages of support/advice on here in the meantime.

if he keeps knocking on your door or following you, then you are in your rights to call the police. you have made it pretty clear that it is over.

good for you for getting a taxi - be strong and look after yourself!