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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Please be around whilst I break up with this crap man

83 replies

purplebridgett · 11/10/2011 14:56

Hi everybody,

Was just hoping to get some support. Am about to break up with a man I know has been verbally and emotionally abusive towards me and I'm scared. He's got to go, no doubt about it. He doesn't love me and I don't love him. But I've now tried to break up with him six times and six times he's managed to persuade me to keep going (we've been together for 15 months). He's never hit me but he has a terrible temper and one time he did raise his fist.

I've realised trying to split up face-to-face is no good - he always wants to analyse our relationship and/or have one last hug and I end up getting drawn back in. The last time I tried to end he got very angry and ranted at me, calling me a cocksucker, a cock, a bitch. Then there was something about the look on my face that worried him and he calmed down and started telling me how worried he was about me. Then the next time I saw him it was all 'I love you, I want to cuddle you, I want to make love to you'. And back I went.

So it's got to be quick and clean and no looking back. Though on one level it feels cowardly, I've decided to do it by text and I'm going to do it tonight.

I don't have any close friends who I can talk to about any of this so please be around for me. I'm worried that after I've taken my son to nursery tomorrow he'll turn up on my doorstep or accidentally on purpose bump into me on the way home. I keep telling myself the worst that can happen is he'll launch into a tirade like before. But if I know anything about him it's that he's unpredictable and I have a serious case of butterflies.

Got to go to work.

OP posts:
ItsMeAndMyPumpkinNow · 12/10/2011 09:15

How did it go, bridgett?

havinhoops1974 · 12/10/2011 09:18

Let us know ur ok!

BelleEnd · 12/10/2011 09:19

Hope you've had peace x

BobblyGussets · 12/10/2011 09:24

Please tell me he doesn't have your house key. If he does, you have to change the locks.
Hope all is going well for you op.

ComradeJing · 12/10/2011 09:32

Oh OP I hope you know this loser is an ugly, ugly person on the inside. You deserve so much more.

Hope you're ok.

DontCallMeFrothyDragon · 12/10/2011 09:41

Hope you're OK, OP. Thinking of you.

deviladvocate · 12/10/2011 09:42

Hoping you're ok? Did you send the text?

sand12 · 12/10/2011 10:12

Hi Purple hope your ok you are much more beautiful person than him he is using and abusing you, if you don't get rid he will get worse so you are doing the right thing you have to think about ur little one. Hope your ok.

Original poster
purplebridgett · 12/10/2011 10:54

Hi all,

Sorry for the delay, when I got up this morning I realised my internet had been cut off coz I hadn't paid the bill :( But all paid and sorted now.

Yes, it is done. Not a peep so far but I expected that - he adores DS and would not make a scene in front of him so he'll wait until he thinks I'll be on my own. But I won't be here - I'll be in the John Lewis cafe having a hot chocolate! There is getting to nursery but I'm going to take the most circuitous route ever.

He doesn't have a key to my house, no, or any belongings here - I made sure to return them all before going ahead.

Once I leave the house I won't be able to post, it'll be tonight before I'm able to post again.

Thank you so much for all your support. I think I will call Women's Aid so I can talk to somebody in RL about this too.

OP posts:
ItsMeAndMyPumpkinNow · 12/10/2011 10:56

Well done!

Good thinking re: getting rid of his stuff ahead of time.

JosieRosie · 12/10/2011 11:13

Just wanted to add: 'well done purple!' I was in exactly your position - was with a man for 15 months who was an abusive arse. Had tried to finish it sooooo many times but I got the the point where I had totally had enough, as you have. He was extremely persistent and was still turning up unexpectedly 3 months later. I don't want to frighten you purple but it's really good that you're prepared. I completely agree with other posters that you need to be prepared to phone the police if you get any hassle whatsoever. And don't hesitate to change your phone number if you feel you need to - it took me 5 years to do it but it was the only way I was ever 100% free from him.

One more thing - I felt exactly the same as you about never meeting someone else. When I finally ditched him, the sense of freedom was so fabulous, it was like a drug! I wasn't interested in meeting anyone else for months, I was having too much fun! About a year later, I had my first date with DP, who is still my DP and completely the opposite of abusive ex. So don't worry - life is about to get a whole lot better! Grin

WitchesBrewIsMyFriend · 12/10/2011 12:00

What a positive post josierosie Smile

OP, glad you have had peace so far, but you are prepared for him turning up which is good.

Enjoy your hot chocolate and I hope when you post later he has still stayed away.

There is no harm in phoning WA for some support. Good luck.

sand12 · 12/10/2011 22:01

Hi Purple r u ok ?

Original poster
purplebridgett · 12/10/2011 22:33

Hi all,

Yes, I got to the nursery without seeing him. Was about sick with nerves. Just got to do it all again tomorrow! Not sure whether to come home tomorrow and just be prepared to batten down the hatches or not. Can't avoid being in the house by myself forever. But maybe should give him more time to cool off?

OP posts:
Original poster
purplebridgett · 12/10/2011 23:19

It's just hit me - I really have done it. For the 7th and surely last time. Gosh.

OP posts:
trickycat · 12/10/2011 23:27

Well done! The only way is up! Don't look back :)

sunshineandbooks · 13/10/2011 00:40

Congratulations and well done! Smile

izzywhizzysfritenite · 13/10/2011 00:56

If he didn't turn up yesterday, I would suspect that he's taken the view that you didn't mean what you said in your text and he may give it a day or two before he comes round to see what your problem is.

I also suspect that, sooner or later, you are going to have to stand up to him in person either from behind your closed and bolted front door or in public.

I don't see any reason why you should have your life disrupted and be using circuitous routes, hiding in coffee shops etc. Hoist your bosoms up, go about your usual everyday routine, and tell him to get lost (with the assistance of the police if necessary) if he tries to persuade you that you're making a mistake or that the pair of you are star-crossed lovers or some such crap.

Tortoiseinadarkspell · 13/10/2011 01:05

Well done!

The other tactic that seems to come out here a lot is that the guy backs off for a few days, then contacts with a humble 'I am trying to respect your decision but perhaps we could just be friends/let's have one last coffee for closure/I have a few of your things I'd like to return'. And it seems so hard to say no to just a simple request for a friendship that one agrees, and then...

Just a warning. You're doing brilliantly, though.

DioneTheDiabolist · 13/10/2011 01:13

Congratulations Purple, you have done it. And (excuse the Brucie moment) haven't you done well. Focus on how far you have come. How what you did was the best thing for you and your DC. You have done the hard bit.

As for the rest, if he contacts you, ignore. If he turns up, make a scene, call the police. You never have to put up with his abuse again. You never have to put up with his abuse again. From here on in, his behaviour is his problem. If he tries to make it yours, call the police. You have made a choice and a good one at that. His behaviour is not your fault, it is not your problem. Do not engage him, do not allow him to engage you.

There is you and your DC.
There is him. If he wants anything: Time, attention, an audience, help? Let the police give it to him. You owe him nothing.

Jergens · 13/10/2011 06:41

Couldn't read this and not congratulate you. Well done!

Uppity · 13/10/2011 09:14

Yay yay for purple!

Grin

Well done. You're free.

WitchesBrewIsMyFriend · 13/10/2011 09:23

Yes you are free, but remember to continue to be free! Smile

Just go about your day and ignore any shenanigans from him.

Original poster
purplebridgett · 13/10/2011 11:00

Thanks everybody. I agree izzy that the chances are I will have to stand up to him - in fact I think it would be a miracle if I didn't have to. Tortoise, he has a few of my CDs and maybe a couple of my books but if he tries to give them back I'll say I don't want them - a few CDs seems like a small price to pay for having him out of my life and peace of mind.

I'm feeling kind of shitty but at least I never, ever have to listen to him calling calling me names or put up with his crap ever again. He was not very good at taking no for an answer in the bedroom department. The last but one time we had intimate relations, for want of a better term, he pulled out a camera and started taking pictures. I freaked out but he wouldn't stop. Afterwards I made him go through the camera to delete them and he seemed to get rid of them all but he wouldn't let me have the camera to double check (what was wrong with me, did I not trust him etc. I was there thinking no, I don't trust you, not one teeny bit).

And people's kind posts have made me feel better.

OP posts:
JosieRosie · 13/10/2011 12:45

OMG purple, what a nasty twisted piece of work he is! You are so well rid, you have just saved yourself YEARS of heartache and abuse and damage that would have taken years more to recover from. Make sure you spoil yourself somehow this weekend - you've got guts girl! Smile

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