So fed up with relationships going wrong!

[Jazzicatz]

I am feeling very sorry for myself at the moment as I seem to lurch from one shit relationship into another. The last chap I was seeing told me he loved me wanted marriage the lot and then just disappeared, no contact even to say it was over. I feel devastated and just can't move on. My last long term relationship with the father of my children was abusive and that is still also difficult at times. Even the relationship with my family is fractious - I just feel such a failure and think I am destined for life on my own!

I know how it feels but I am the last person with any good advice! Just wanted to say you will almost certainly find someone nice one day and don't let it get you down too much.

Newsflash honey - a life on your own is infinitely better than a life stuck in a relationshp with the wrong person and you really do NOT need to have a man in your life in order to define yourself or to be happy.

If your relationships with the opposite sex are shit and you've got a history of picking losers, it's time to stop and take time out to get to know yourself before you climb on that roundabout again.

Work out why you feel a failure; revisit the past, look at where you or others went wrong. Think about what makes you feel good and what makes you feel bad. What qualities do you look for in others and what qualities do you have to offer them?

Why is your relationship with your family fractious? What would it take to make it less so?

Maybe counselling? Before dating again. Re assert yourself, fine tune your shit head radar, which is still broken from that abusive relationship.

Things like massive gestures, proposals, etc, too much too soon, is usually the warning sign of a loser.

Stop going from one relationship to another, and take time for you.

Thank you all, yes I think taking some time out to evaluate what I am doing wrong is a good idea. I don't think that being in a relationship is the be all and end all. I would certainly not put up with crap again just to be in a relationship. But it just saddens me that every man I meet is a git in more way or another.

As for my family relationship, well this is where it all stems from. My mother was/is an alcoholic, my father was aggressive and bad tempered. Both my parents had many affairs and I was physically and sexually abused growing up. So it is hardly surprising I am pretty messed up and unable to read the signals.

I have never had any counselling to overcome my childhood, but I think it might now be time to look into this.

Thanks all for your advice

Hi Jazzicatz

We learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents and both of yours unfortunately taught you a lot of damaging lessons which unsurprisingly you have carried over into your own adult relationships:(. You were conditioned by these people.

Counselling would certainly be a good idea for you to unlearn these damaging patterns, you run the risk of repeating the same old relationship mistakes and patterns otherwise. BACP have counsellors and they don't charge a small fortune. Please consider doing this now for your own self.

Would also suggest you read "Women who love too much" written by Robin Norwood.

Hi Jazzi
I'm in the same boat. Just one gobshite after another. I too was raised in an alcoholic home (my mam) and a year ago I joined Al-anon. It has changed my life.
I want to become happy by myself. I'm tired of looking for men. They are on my mind all the time. i just want to become whole again and raise my daughter (3yrs) in peace and happiness.
So maybe we could support each other

Fancy that would be great, sorry to hear we have so much in common, but it would be really good to have some support.

Cool. i'm sat here in bed while my daughter sleeps. same as every other night.
I'm thrilled. have you ever thought of Al-anon?

Sorry you're having a tough time.

I agree that taking time out to heal and learn is a great idea. When you have a happy, rounded life as a single person, that's the time to be looking for a partner and you'll be way more likely to find the right one.

It's ok to be single you know. A successful life isn't measured by having a relationship with someone of the opposite sex or even our own parents. It's measured by all sorts of things. A much better measure is your relationship with your own DC and your friends, what you do with your spare time, your interests and personality, etc. A successful life is a happy, well-lived one, and you can do that single or married.

Hope you feel better soon.

I haven't been to al-anon for years, I did go when I was much younger and did find it quite useful, but I stopped going and have never returned. May look into it. What support have you had from them?

In Al-anon I guess i just started to see the pattern of how my childhood affected my relationship approach.
My tolerance for putting up with crap is higher than most because I learned at a young age to hide what was going on at home. I learned lots of other good things too like controlling, perfectionism and obsessive cleaning.
First i just listened to others share and now I share my self. I only just started to chair the local meeting.A huge step for me.
It's only now though that I'm beginning to have the urge to really go it alone. Like I don't mean just staying busy until Mr. Right comes along. I mean really starting to fulfil myself.
It's going to take a lot of hard work and daily reprogramming but I'm going to try.

One of the first things I want to do is give all the baby stuff in my attic away to charity.
I was keeping it in the hope I'd meet someone and have another baby. Crazy eh? I have put so much pressure on myself.
If I do meet someone a few vests and babygro's are not hard to come by. I'll manage
The stuff in the attic is literally weighing me down. Dragging me back to the old me. Time to let it go. There will more tears with this but I need to do it.

I have a beautiful daughter who will be 3 in a couple of weeks. I will be 34 next month.

High time I starting living MY life and stopped feeling like I'm just in between men.
I asked the universe/God/anything that was listening this morning to help me get to a point where I'm truely fulfilled and happy just doing my own thing.
And you know what? It kind of worked. Will probably need to ask again before lunch time if I falter.
But I'll keep going.

Thanks for listening. It's great to write it out. Makes me more determined.

Hello, just lurking, and wanted to say-Nancy what a fantastic post. You sound bloody great, how lucky your daughter is to have you.

I hope you can get lots of support on here Jazzicatz xx

Thanks Pepper. I've come a long way in a year. Alot of it is just lurking here and reading the great advice and inspirational stories.
Just to say Jazzi my relationship with my parents has dramatically improved too. I'm more compassionate. As they say in Alanon . . .I take what I like and leave the rest.
So i enjoy my visit with them and ignore any aggravating statements they might have made me feel bad in the past.
Not always easy but I try