Is my anger ruining my marriage?

[amItooangry]

I have been married 6 years and have DS aged 2. Last night DH came home at 3.30am (pretty usual for him) and we argued about everything and for the first time talked about splitting up.

His main concern is that I am too angry with him and it is affecting DS. I do feel angry most of the time, but tbh I feel quite justified in this and don't show it in front of DS.

We have lots of issues, exhaustion, shift work, money problems (and related trust issues) plus his family obligations (he is from Africa) and never really get a chance to work through all of this.

I am worried that surpressing this anger/upset is damaging my emotional and physical health and that he is trying to minimise my feelings and our problems by saying "well, if you could just stop getting angry, everything would be ok".

I feel that he really just wants a quiet life, with no confrontation and doesn't mind if I am seething inside, just as long as it doesn't affect him.

Any advice appreciated thanks

My mother know some but not all of the details. They have a very frosty relationship, but until recently I thought she was projecting her own issues. I try to keep her out of it to some extent as she is very helpful with childcare etc and I could do without full-on war between them. I know she will support me, but I need to make sure I am clear (and final) with my decision before involving her too much.

I don't want to leave the house, if anyone goes it should be him. I have invested too much, financially and emotionally in being here - I started another thread in multicultural families - but he almost brought us to bankruptcy and doesn't contribute to the mortgage (although he pays some bills) and I am the main earner. God, if I was reading this I would be screaming at the screen, it really is such a no brainer!

I hear what you are saying about the "other woman" scenario and up until 48hours ago, I would have said definitely not. Now, I am not 100% sure of anything, but as you say it makes little difference. If there is someone else, then I would feel quite sorry for her as she is getting even less commitment than me. Also, there isn't anything you can do at 3.30am that you can't do better at 3.30pm so it would just seem a little "obvious" iyswim. Still as he seems to think lying is perfectly acceptable as long as it avoids confrontation, then maybe this is also perfectly acceptable - who knows?

Love the namechange btw tethers.

I don't know about stronger, but I actually feel quite relieved. I felt I was being strong, supporting my family, caring for DS and supporting H - but actually I was just completely exhausted and worn out. If I don't have to pretend to be happy about it anymore, that is actually quite relaxing.

Good luck with the divorce bejeezus. I think I have actually always been pretty detached which has allowed me to survive this long. I know I can't rely on him for practical stuff, so I do the DIY myself, take the car to be fixed, arrange childcare etc. I suppose the only time I really still rely on him is the sort of romantic, coupley stuff (eg birthday plans) where I get really emotional and without fail he lets me down. Tomorrow I have booked tickets for the theatre and am going with a friend instead of him, so he won't have the chance to ruin it for me.

So when he says, he will move out on a temporary basis so I can "calm down" - I will call his bluff and agree. I will also call and book a counselling session tomorrow.

Have been lurking, and with every new piece of information he sounds worse and worse and worse.

You have said it yourself, if reading this you'd be screaming at the screen.

Kick him out!

Actually, don't kick him out just yet, get some legal and financial advice, line up your support. Then do it.

good luck..you sound really strong. i wish i had done it when dd1 was younger (but then there wouldnt be dd2 i suppose-every cloud an'all!). it gets so much harder as they get older. by the sounds of it, your 'd'h isnt much of a presence around your ds anyway..

i totally get that thinking you are being strong, but actually being exhausted trying to do all the practical stuff AND trying to make it 'all right'. Youre right- it does bring calm when you can put all that stuff down. You ARE a single parent anyway. now you'll have 1 less 'child' to look after.

have a lovely birthday

what was his reaction to not being invited along and you going with a friend btw?

amItooangry I just wanted to add my support to you really.

I had a relationship a few years ago with many similarities to yours. (thankfully we had not children). I had a traumatic miscarriage and he "couldn't come to the hospital with me" and gave such a pathetic reason (that I didn't challenge). The reason was so pathetic I literally cannot believe I "loved" this man for so long.

My ex was very hot on "his rights" and me "respecting him" etc etc. On more than one occasion I reluctantly agreed to pick him up from various venues, at his request, and usually at inconvenient times (usually pub, club or bookies - he didn't drive). Often if he wasn't ready/wasn't drunk enough he would twist things and say I was being controlling by insisting that he left!

I was actually quite angry with myself when I realised what crap I had put up with from him. Sorry for the cliche but like a lightbulb going on in my head. It was almost overnight for me - one day under his spell, the next day I was so fucked off and angry with him as I had seen the light.

You now seem to realised exactly what his game is, I would like to wish you strength in making the right decisions for you and your son. xx

I haven't told him my change of birthday plans yet. I imagine he will just disappear tomorrow and expect me to sit in moping. Luckily i already have babysitter and very understanding back up plan. Maybe she knows him too well too!

Sorry about your miscarriage cremeegg. I also went through something similar before ds although he was more supportive then.

Happy Birthday!
Hows it going today?

Thanks. Doing a lot of thinking today and sorting out counselling. Also packed away passports and papers which may seem extreme but ive seen these things turn nasty. After 24hrs of sulking he is now trying to be nice and offering to pick up ds so i can go out tonight. I am a bit worried about this but suppose i cant stop him? One thing he said yesterday really bothered me. "i am never violent, i never raise my voice at anyone. But you dont want to make me angry". He also said that i was lucky and many other men beat their wives. I said it wasnt a competition and he wasnt getting a medal just for not hitting me.

Do you think he has realised the change in you?
Are you able to keep to previous arrangement with babysitter for tonight?

Well done for not cowering at the not-very-veiled threat. Is the counselling just for you?

"i am never violent, i never raise my voice at anyone. But you dont want to make me angry"

Of course it bothers you. It is a threat.

Getting your important documents together is in no way extreme; it is sensible.

I am worried now he knows i am serious, and onto his tricks that he is staging a kind of sit-in, sulking with an atmosphere you could cut with a knife. DS is sharp and already said "why daddy not come home?" even though he was on the sofa (which was attention seeking in itself as we have a v comfy spare room!)

Anything i can do to shield ds better?

Make sure he is not exposed to any more of your husband's behaviour towards you, make sure he is only exposed to his father a minimum, and making sure that your DS knows that you are reliable, consistent, and unconditionally loving towards him.

Happy birthday. May this year be one of strength and changes and regaining your own life.

Happy birthday!

And good luck with getting this man out of your life. He sounds absolutely awful. I think you should see a solicitor and find out what your options are for getting him out as easily as possible.

It's natural you want to shield your DS, but just as some reassurance, my parents divorced when I was two and I don't remember any of it. I'm sure there was lots of shouting and arguing but I honestly don't have a single memory of it. So don't worry too much about that.

Are there any immigration implications of your splitting up? That might make things nasty.

Tell your mom as soon as possible. I get your concerns, but he is starting to make veiled threats and that's worrying.

I told my mum that it is over. I just need to sort out the practicalities. Counselling was supposed to be for both of us, but will probably just on my own anyway.

He is a british citizen and so is ds. I have locked away ds passport and birth cert. Is there anything else i can do to stop him taking ds from the country? I think it is very unlikely but trying to cover all angles?

How do i find a good solicitor?

that is a threat

it also says that 'not hitting you' is all the respect that he thinks is necessary towards you in the marriage.

I had that almost word for word

your dc- I agree that he is yound enough to have the minimal disruption if you seperate. I have told dd1 that we are seperating because if you are married to someone then you are supposed to take care of each other and work like a team, and it is not ok for people to argue or shout or ignore each other or not 'do their fair share'. I think it is important to teach the kids that they cannot behave in this way and that they should never let anyone else treat them this way; that addresses the longer term impact of seperating I think (for now!)

sorry- x posted

happy Birthday

I'm not sure about the exact particulars, but I know that there is some kind of "flag" you can have put on your DS's passport in case he is taken out of the country without your consent, and to prevent another passport from being issued for him. Sorry don't have more practical info to give!

In theory, if one parent tries to take the child out of the country without the other parent present, they will often ask for a notarised letter of consent for this. But I think you should definitely look into flagging his passport if that's possible. I imagine a solicitor might know something about this? I'm sorry I don't know how to find a good one, hopefully someone else here can advise.

Im not sure how you get a good soliciter....I got a list but I forget where from as I did this a long time ago, way before I actually contacted them. It was from either CAB/ the local drug and alcohol advisory service (as that is an issue STBXH has)...maybe you could try Womans Aid...I think it would be a good idea to find one that is sympathetic to emotional and financial abuse situations...I have 'emotional abuse' listed as 1 of my grounds for divorce.

Or if you say which area you live in maybe someone here could recommend 1? I live in the South West if that is any help?

Just popped in to wish you a happy and constructive birthday! Hope you have a nice time with your friend.

Thanks all for birthday wishes. Certainly eventful! Cancelled plans to pick up ds as my mum too worried h may try to take him. CM onside but need to know legal position quickly re changing locks etc.

I think this could damage any chance of remaining "civil" but who knows.

Situation is moving so quickly my head is spinning but weirdly so clear in my decision.

North London or city for solicitor?

They don't alwas ask for letter as i have taken ds abroad alone before but sometimes copy of birth cert.

I had a caveat put on my DDs passport, it basically lasts a year and no one can get another passport for her without checking with me first. This has now been updated with a prohibative steps court order, but the yearly caveat was fine, so long as I knew that her passport was safe with me.

Wish you well OP and really hoping you're OK. Please get in touch with women's aid and get all the RL support you can. Crossing fingers, toes, everything for you. Really think you and ds are better off away from him, just take care.

Thanks all ..i am here with mum and ds. H is hiding in the bedroom and hasn't spoken to me.