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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Is my anger ruining my marriage?

85 replies

amItooangry · 08/10/2011 08:37

I have been married 6 years and have DS aged 2. Last night DH came home at 3.30am (pretty usual for him) and we argued about everything and for the first time talked about splitting up.

His main concern is that I am too angry with him and it is affecting DS. I do feel angry most of the time, but tbh I feel quite justified in this and don't show it in front of DS.

We have lots of issues, exhaustion, shift work, money problems (and related trust issues) plus his family obligations (he is from Africa) and never really get a chance to work through all of this.

I am worried that surpressing this anger/upset is damaging my emotional and physical health and that he is trying to minimise my feelings and our problems by saying "well, if you could just stop getting angry, everything would be ok".

I feel that he really just wants a quiet life, with no confrontation and doesn't mind if I am seething inside, just as long as it doesn't affect him.

Any advice appreciated thanks

OP posts:

Katisha · 08/10/2011 21:05

Yes you are right - I can see that the culture clash has become a convenient screen to carry on just as he pleases.

garlicScaresVampires · 08/10/2011 21:07

I tend to agree with your last comment! Glad you got to the hospital, although cross that it was by cab. It does mess with your head - that has to be part of the aim, I guess: confuse you with nice/nasty switches.

IF you're feeling outraged enough to handle some more reading, try the links at the beginning of this thread.

Original poster

amItooangry · 08/10/2011 21:17

Thanks for the links. This has been really helpful to show me there is a pattern forming and these are not just isolated incidents of forgetfulness, lateness, inconsiderate behaviour etc

Also, that he is making a choice to behave like this and is not just the victim of circumstances.

Unfortunately I have previous experience of emotionally abusive relationships through some family members, but you never see it staring you in face, do you?

OP posts:

Original poster

amItooangry · 08/10/2011 21:33

this is so true "If an abuser can cause YOU to lose control, it proves how healthy HE is, so he can say, explicitly, or implicitly (it's amazing how sighs, and rolling of the eyes can accomplish as much as words), "There you go again, losing it, crying and yelling. I'm not the one who needs therapy, you are."

OP posts:

Original poster

amItooangry · 08/10/2011 22:48

So help me please? How should i react if/ when he strolls in tomorrow morning? Just walk out and leave him with ds?

OP posts:

Katisha · 08/10/2011 22:56

Were you going out tomorrow and he was going to look after DS or was it that you wanted him to actually be part of the family tomorrow?

Misspixietrix · 08/10/2011 23:12

yes you do just that. He knew you was going out tomorrow, you re-inforced the message before he left with friends so he knew what time he had to be back to have a reasonable amount of sleep, if he still comes in at silly o clock in the morning, you still leave him with ds and go where you need to go, he made the choice to stay out knowing where he needed to be tomorrow, there's nothing more sobering than having to look after DC's the next day, believe me I know! :o

bejeezus · 09/10/2011 00:11

amitooangry I could have written every single 1 of your posts; sabotaguing things that are important to you, forgetting dates/times/ arrangements, staying out till 3am, friends always taking priority, right down to the shitty nappies left on the floor. Haha!...even 'forgetting' to put fuel in the car when dd2 due (filled up on way to hospital, whilst in labour and sat for 5 minutes at red traffic lights on a deserted road)!!

i was also accused of being too angry (and disrespectul)

I spent along time attributing it to cultural differences. Whilst I could do this, I felt a bit trapped...like I made my bed so I had to lie in it. I still think some of the fundamental stuff WAS cultural (and even the most healthy inter-cultural relationships have obstacles that others dont) , but a normal, supportive loving husband would be discussing this stuff with you and trying to find compromises WITH you; your happiness would be a priority for him.

Original poster

amItooangry · 09/10/2011 03:47

Ok so he is not home yet and no call or text. He "promised" grudgingly to be home by 3. What do i do? I am worried for ds safety if i leave him tomorrow as he wont be awake enough to deal with it. He once left ds alone in the bath while he went downstairs, while i was trying to sleep as i "couldn't be bothered to look after him". Yoi can imagine how well i could sleep when i found out!

OP posts:

Original poster

amItooangry · 09/10/2011 03:49

OP posts:

Original poster

amItooangry · 09/10/2011 03:50

So sorry you are facing this too bejeezus

OP posts:

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy · 09/10/2011 03:55

Is it possible for you to take ds with you tomorrow?

Original poster

amItooangry · 09/10/2011 03:59

Yes it is possible, but that means he still geta to do what he likes with no consequences or responsibilty. I just tried calling and his phone is off

OP posts:

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy · 09/10/2011 04:24

As you can take ds with you tomorrow (more properly, 'later today') I would go to bed forgetting that I'd locked and bolted the front door earlier because I was feeling insecure being on my own with ds.

I'd also wear earplugs - or stuff tissues in my ears - so I didn't hear him ringing on the doorbell, although if it's a battery operated doorbell I'd simply disconnect it.

He's a selfish arse - don't lose any more sleep over him.

janajos · 09/10/2011 08:18

How are you today? Is he home yet?

Original poster

amItooangry · 09/10/2011 08:33

Thanks for thinking about me. He texted at 5.30am saying he was on his way home, but I replying that is was too late as he had already broken his promises and he was better to stay with friends.

Me and DS slept soundly until just now which is unheard of! My mum will come around later to give me some support and I have asked/told him to arrange some counselling himself.

OP posts:

AttilaTheMeerkat · 09/10/2011 08:47

He will never go to couneslling let alone arrange any sessions for himself. He thinks the problem lies with you when infact he is the one being passive aggressive and projecting all his crap onto you. He is also acting like this as well because he can and you've been previously conditioned to accept all this
sort of nonsense. I don't think he's ever made any sort of effort at all in your relationship and just wants to continue being the selfish entitled man he is.

Counselling solely for you alone would be helpful.

I was going to ask what you are getting out of this relationship now?.

This is certainly no ideal role model of a relationship for your son to follow is it?.

Smum99 · 09/10/2011 08:55

How long have you been together? and how old are you both?

The key to this is that a loving kind husband would care about your happiness - fullstop..I'm not sure he does..counselling is worth a try as you have a ds but it does need him to realise that his feelings are not the most important in the household.

Original poster

amItooangry · 09/10/2011 09:01

I am 34, my birthday tomorrow and we have been married 6 years. I don't feel that I am getting anything out of this myself at the moment, but want to make sure I am making the right (best) decisions for my DS.

OP posts:

garlicScaresVampires · 09/10/2011 15:15

Ohh :(
I guess you can imagine my birthday wish for you! Strength, independence, control of your own life .... Make use of every resource you can drum up, please.
Glad you got a good sleep! Take care.

Original poster

amItooangry · 09/10/2011 19:12

Had a pretty awful day, arguing while mum had ds. Apparently he is blameless while i am a bully and a control freak. Also his lies about coming home by 3 (not exactly early) were not really lies as i pushed him into a corner so it was acceptable to say anything to avoid confrontation. He doesn't think any aspect of his behaviour needs to change, i just need to stop being angry with him.

We just keep going around in circles and i don't know where to go from here?

OP posts:

garlicScaresVampires · 09/10/2011 19:16

Have you told your mother all of it? What's her opinion?

ShroudOfHamsters · 09/10/2011 19:21

How about you go right out the door, with your son?

This man is an absolute nightmare, and he isn't going to change because he neither wants to nor thinks he needs to.

At the root of this is his absolute disdain for you as a person. You are not important, your feelings don't count. You are there to put up and shut up.

Whether that's something that is culturally learned, or whether he is just selfishness personified is neither here nor there, really - you have so little hope of getting him to change, is is worth the effort at all? What IS worth effort, perhaps, is doing your son the massive favour of NOT being brought up to be the same.

TethHearseEnd · 09/10/2011 19:39

If my partner was staying out until that time on a regular basis, I'm sorry OP, but I'd have to question whether there was another woman on the scene.

As much as I hear what you're saying about family parties etc., I wouldn't rule this out. Of course, it is academic in a way, as his behaviour is completely unacceptable whether another woman is involved or not.

You sound like you are getting stronger as the thread goes on. Good luck and Happy Birthday for tomorrow

bejeezus · 09/10/2011 20:06

we are getting a divorce, so i am not in it any more thank f**k.

i used to get that 'you forced me to' excuse, as an excuse for not sticking to promises - even life plans.

whilst you decide what to do, I would advise detaching- I found it so much easier when I had arranged my life and the kids without factoring him in for child care etc; that way whilst it may in theory seem like its going to be harder for you, you may find it easier. Everything will run smoother/ you wont be let down/ left in a fix at the last minute- your work and social life wont be impacted etc- much less stressful AND you wont feel so ANGRY! Dont forget the thing which he says is ruining your marriage - HE IS THE CAUSE OF

Then come over and join the emotional abuse support thread!

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