Learning to tolerate a socially inept bully - is it possible?

[NotaDisneyMum]

The responses to one of my other posts has got me thinking - is it possible or desirable to tolerate and put up with bullying and dominating behaviour from exH "for the sake of the children?"

My ex is outwardly co-operative, friendly and genuine - however, he seems unable to distinguish between criticism and an alternative point of view; if we disagree about an issue affecting BD, he takes on the victim persona and accuses me of undermining him, cutting him out of DDs life and dictating what should happen next.

My solution thus far us to minimise contact with him; emails rather than face to face and brief exchange of pleasantries if we do see each other - no attempt to discuss things which can wait tilnan email.

But, should I be trying to overcome these feelings, and learn how to tolerate him, in order to present a united front for DD? I find it very hard to tolerate him speaking for me (as he's done at teacher meetings etc) and he is socially inept - shares inappropriate info about himself and people he associates with to total strangers - like other parents at open evenings - you know the kind of person I mean; the one you dread sitting next to you on the bus!

How can I learn to put up with him? What sort of training\counselling would help? I could probably put up with the social ineptness if he didn't try to dominate, bully and talk down to me at every opportunity .

Correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't he an ex precisely so that you DON'T have to put up with him? You are not obliged to maintain any kind of relationship with him, only to facilitate his relationship with your DD.

Hi NotadisneyMum,

"But, should I be trying to overcome these feelings, and learn how to tolerate him, in order to present a united front for DD?"

FGS NO NO and thrice NO!!!.

Your DD needs a happy and contented mother, not one who is being constantly manipulated and bullied by her possibly personality disordered ex as this will also teach your DD damaging lessons re relationships. He is your Ex after all and for good reason. He is also not a very good male role model for your DD is he.

If ex H wants contact with your DD I would formalise it through the courts, he will walk over and disregard any informal arrangements you set up otherwise. He could well use your DD to get back at you for having the gall to leave him (this could be how he well sees you now) so be very careful and keep all communication to the barest of minimums.

I think you are doing the right thing already - limit your face to face contact as much as possible and leave discussions to emails.

The more contact you have with him the more opportunity he will have to bully you.

look at it this way: which would be a better example to your DD - "when someone is treating you badly you should change yourself", or "when someone is treating you badly you have the right to protect yourself from them"?

As little personal contact as possible and any communication between you wrt your DD should be done by email. That way if he tries to twist anything you say it's there in black and white.