How do you save your marriage?

[DisparateHousewife]

Dh and I are at crisis point. I think he's depressed, he's desolate. Says he feels entirely alone, we don't get on and don't make each other happy.

Our sex life has never been brilliant, it's non-existent now. But we've forgotten affection, kindness and compassion too.
Is it possible to get it back? How? He's not keen on going for counselling as he's not comfortable articulating his feelings. I can get him to talk to me, but he's in the midst of a black fog right now and can't see a way out.
How can I save my marriage?

if he is depressed he needs clinical help for tat first - he needs to got o GP, counselling for himself, maybe anti depresssants, do some sport/fitness etc.

until you address underlying depression nothing can change

if ther elaiotnship is contributory to his depresion that will come out in his counselling - you should each get individual counselling first

I think you both need sometime to yourselves maybe a weekend and talk. Have you told him you still love him, does he feel he still loves you? Have you a mutual friend you could encourage him to talk to?
I know this is really hard but sometimes there is very little you can do when someone goes down this path. even harder to watch someone you love. Once they start to push that self destruct button there is only them who can make it better. Look after yourself. Maybe some time apart might benefit him, make him see what and who is really important to him. Good luck x

I'll ask him to go and see his gp, I know he won't be keen though. He will see it as admitting a "weakness" in himself.

I did wonder if it could be a mid-life crisis, but not in the ususal buy a sports car type of way. He's reflecting on his life and thinking "is this it?"

Thank you for your replies.

I don't know if this will be everyone's cup of tea, but I've just read a book about just this situation - a true life memoir. I thought it was amazing - "This is not the story you think it is" by Laura Munson.this book
Her DH went through a major mid-life crisis, announced he didn't love her and didn't want a life like this, and she wrote a memoir of what it was all like for her and how she got through it. Their marriage survived and she found some peace and happiness in the process. Some things about it annoyed me (her saying that many of their problems were money worries, then going to Italy with a bit of spare cash annoyed me - my DH and I's money worries tend to me more of the 'can't afford heating and food' variety...) and she can be a bit 'therapy speak' at times. But all in all I adored it and it made me laugh and cry.

Honestly, deep down, do you really want to save this marriage or are you just moving into rescuer mode to help your DH? Without sex, affection, compassion and kindness there leaves a pretty empty relationship.

I know that might sound like an insensitive question, but when in a very similar situation, I remember going for the counselling and sitting there, not quite being able to acknowledge to myself that saving the relationship wasn't what I wanted anyway, I just couldn't handle the thought of a split.

His depression/MLC was just a red herring really. We just were never that right together, and are much happier now separated and with new partners.

Sorry if this is off the mark, just offering a different viewpoint.

fatchip that's an interesting point. We're definitely stuck in a rut and have become Mum and Dad rather than husband and wife. We never go out alone, don't share hobbies or interests. We do like the same tv and just tend to watch that in the evening then weekends are taken up with family stuff.
What made you realise that you didn't want to save the marriage?

Can anyone else share their experience with me?

Why do you want to save this marriage?

This isn't a frivolous question.

What is so good about a marriage where the sex has never been brilliant (OMG do you know how sad that is, that one of the most brilliant resources a couple can have, hasn't actually been there for you because it's "never been brilliant") and where your DH feels your marriage is so unimportant, that his discomfort about talking about his feelings (ie going to counselling) is more important than him putting in the effort to save his marriage?

Seriously, do you really want to save this marriage because it is something that you think will long term make you (and him) happy, or because we are all supposed to save our marriages even when our marriages aren't worth saving?

(I'm not saying your marriage isn't worth saving btw, I'm just trying to get you to answer questions to yourself, so that you can work out what you really want and separate that from what you feel you ought to want - I hope my post doesn't upset you and I apologise in advance if it does, it's meant to be helpful.)

As to sharing my experience: I stopped trying to save my relationship, when I realised I was the only one who appeared to be investing in it.

DH and I had marital difficulties but we are strong and solid now and I am sure as I can be we will make it. Half the battle is wanting to be together and being willing to do what needs doing. I also have depression and my dh really made me go to the GP when I was in denial and just didn't want to go. I am on life long meds now.

Tell your husband that depression is a chemical inbalance in the brain and therefore just like any other illness, therefore needs medication. It isn't any kind of failure to go to the GP and ask for help. It is what they are there for.

He needs counselling, desperately, regardless of whether the marriage can be saved or not. His difficulty in articulating his feelings is irrelevant. If there are problems with the relationship he needs to talk about it with an independent person, otherwise you could become the emotional punching bag.

Depression is an insidious condition/disease - it colours everything. Unless he gets out of the depression you will never know whether you could save your marriage with some work.