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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Friend says dh is a real flirt

113 replies

MilkMonitor · 06/10/2011 15:09

I've seen dh in conversation with all sorts of folk including my friend who says he's really flirty with her. We've been out for dinner with her and her oh and on other various social occasions. I've not seen dh flirt at all.

My friend is a flirt. She is very pretty etc and great fun. But she goes on about dh being so flirty and how he loves to party.

Am I missing something here like observation skills?

OP posts:
MordechaiVanunu · 10/10/2011 19:56

He wants a divorce??

Blimey this has really escalated since the OP.

Can of worms seems to have been opened. This was obviously more than a flirt in one way or another.

Hope you're ok milkmonitor.

oldraver · 10/10/2011 20:21

Oh he's lashing out isnt he ? sounds like he is offloading a guilty consience to me.

Original poster
MilkMonitor · 10/10/2011 20:37

I cannot believe it has come to this. It's so weird.

He says he cannot martyr himself anymore for a crap sex life. He's so unhappy. I'm a very selfish lover according to him. I'm not interested in doing anything other than quick sex and he wants a lot more. He is 36 and should have a better sex life than this. I'm so insecure. It's the root of all our problems.

Bl**dy hell.

OP posts:
ElephantsAndMiasmas · 10/10/2011 20:51

Isn't it clever how he's made you worry/talk about a divorce/your supposed failings, rather than him being an inappropriate flirty bastard with your friend?

See what he's doing?

Original poster
MilkMonitor · 10/10/2011 20:53

I pointed that out to him. This is all email. To wave the divorce word around is pretty shitty. He still says he does not flirt, is absolutely not interested in anyone other than me but will not stand for what he considers to be a crap sex life. And he will leave if things don't get better. We are on a "yellow card" in our marriage, he says/emailed. He wants us to go to Relate sex therapy.

OP posts:
Gigondas · 10/10/2011 20:55

sympathy with you op - he does sound profoundly foolish to react like this about what is basically his unreasonable behaviour (ie on that walk. the text from his mate) -is this going to be ok if this thread stays here (adn not relationships)? there is no rule about it slipping off threads is there.

Also not that it shoudl matter but does he know about your friends pregnancy - if so what the hell is he doing (Not that I'm saying pregnant women aren't entitled to be attractive but given that not only is he married but she is both married and expecting, you'd think that any right thinking person would not go there).

ElephantsAndMiasmas · 10/10/2011 20:55

WHY fgs are you emailing about this stuff? It's too important for that, and too easy to be cold.

Hope you're ok, OP :(

Gigondas · 10/10/2011 20:56

I think some kind of mediation (and sex therapy if that is what is his issue but imho a lot of the time the relationship is what is what underlies the problem with sex life if there is no physical issue).

Its a sad day when you have to communicate all this via email rather than talk. I do feel for you op.

Original poster
MilkMonitor · 10/10/2011 20:57

He's at work. Won't answer 'phone. Says he's in spare room tonight. I feel held to ransom. Even if things get better, how do I know if they're really better? He might say they are - like he has - and then turn around and say they are not.

Perhaps he should just leave anyway.

OP posts:
tranquilitygardens · 10/10/2011 21:00

You are being manipulated by your oh right now Milk.

What has he been like your whole relationship?

How long have you been together?

Original poster
MilkMonitor · 10/10/2011 21:03

Been together since 2001. Married since 2004. 3 dcs. I'm a sahm. He's a very successful accountant.

I'm in a right tizz. If I stay calm though and don't let him escalate things - he has a tendency to catastrophise (is that a word?) everything - perhaps it'll calm down.

I'm hacked off too but if we're going to divorce, it isn't going to be in the heat of arguing.

OP posts:
Original poster
MilkMonitor · 10/10/2011 21:05

What is a normal sex life anyway?

OP posts:
diggingintheribs · 10/10/2011 21:05

Is there somewhere else he could go? I wouldn't let him home.

I think you need a trial separation. he is pulling all the strings and I think you need some space to think.

He is choosing to end this - not you. If my DH was flirting with a friend like that I wouldn't be thinking 'oh yeah, I need to turn into a sex kitten and win him back'. I'd be telling him to f off and think about what he really wants from the relationship

tranquilitygardens · 10/10/2011 21:06

Has he been depressed lately or unsatisfied with his life?

Does he work with people who have exciting lives?

AnyFucker · 10/10/2011 21:09

This is a very fast moving thread

We went from "you have a psycho friend" to your DH wanting to get shut of you so he can skip off with this woman in the space of one page (or 4 days...)

Original poster
MilkMonitor · 10/10/2011 21:10

He works with a lot of younger people. But most of his friends have children and the same kind of life we have.

He has been drinking whisky recently. I mean, not a lot but from zero to two glasses (one shot in each glass) a night. He got really drunk whilst away at work two nights last week. On Saturday night we were out for dinner with friends and he got really drunk.

Something's going on. He has however always complained about our sex life after the initial 'at it like rabbits' stage wore off. I've tried to respond positively but I'm often too tired or just not frisky.

OP posts:
Original poster
MilkMonitor · 10/10/2011 21:23

Oh god. Is this him double bluffing me to get me to do what he wants in fear of divorce?

OP posts:
RabbitPie · 10/10/2011 21:39

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

tranquilitygardens · 10/10/2011 21:39

How have your finances been lately?

Original poster
MilkMonitor · 10/10/2011 21:47

Oh god. I feel sick. There used to be a big file with all his bank statements in and it's gone from the shelf.

The zoo incident was December last year. I saw the message pop up on his iPhone - as it does - without needing to snoop. I have snooped since then and there's no evidence there. Nor on email or FB. So I have been suspicious/paranoid?

Our finances don't appear to have changed much, tranquillity. In fact, he's being more generous. Bought me an eternity ring for my birthday.

Am I looking for something that isn't there (yet) or am I just being led down the path of "do what I want or I'll divorce you."?

OP posts:
bubblegumpop · 10/10/2011 21:48

Well, you dug and it seems and have hit a guilty conscience. Why are you letting him hold you to ransome, yellow card indeed. Tell him to fuck off if that is what he thinks.

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy · 10/10/2011 21:48

O dear, she is a venomous snake, isn't she? But she couldn't have dripped her poison into an unwilling ear.

Obviously you and your not so dear h have got to end your association with this couple forthwith, and I would then suggest that you consult a solicitor so that you can put some cold hard figures in front of the accountant so that he can see exactly what price he'll be paying for being a dick led twunt.

PhilipJFry · 10/10/2011 21:53

I might be missing the mark here, but when something like this happens the one who is having the affair or whatever seems to suddenly pick up a part of the relationship and hold it up saying "This is what's wrong! This is why I'm so unhappy!" In this case, sex. I swear it's just another way of justifying their behaviour- they point out something they were unhappy with and blow it up until they can justify to themselves why they've been the way they have. So that their partner is somehow the cause of what's happened and their own behaviour is excused.

MordechaiVanunu · 10/10/2011 21:55

Maybe this I'm unhappy with the sex thing is genuine and you raising your issues has triggered him to 'retaliate' with his own issues. IYSWIM? Not great but a pretty common pattern in arguments. If you feel attacked you attack back.

Why don't you send one last brief email saying something like:

if you feel sex therapy is really necessary of course I would consider it, but raise it with me again in calm circumstances when your not threatening divorce and I will discuss it. I also feel we have a number of issues that we need to discuss as you know.

As you, quite extraordinarily and suddenly seem to feel you want a divorce, I suggest you find somewhere to stay until you decide that you wish either to calmly discuss a divorce or addressing our issues.

Get in contact when you want to talk, I will not be emailing again.

Then go to bed and wait for him to calm down and stop being a twat and find out what's really going on and what you want to do about it.

Gigondas · 10/10/2011 22:21

Bank statement file could be to do tax return - does he have to do his return via his work . If so this is time of year they need that info.

Fwiw I think it sounds like he is having some kind of crisis and this woman is a symptom - it doesn't sound as if he has yet had an affair.