Friend says dh is a real flirt

[MilkMonitor]

I've seen dh in conversation with all sorts of folk including my friend who says he's really flirty with her. We've been out for dinner with her and her oh and on other various social occasions. I've not seen dh flirt at all.

My friend is a flirt. She is very pretty etc and great fun. But she goes on about dh being so flirty and how he loves to party.

Am I missing something here like observation skills?

If she says it again say "I Knooooow, he is terrible! It's because he feels sorry for ugly women, so he flirts with them to cheer them up and not feel so bad about themselves. It's quite sweet really" and smile, smile, smile.
That should stop her in her tracks...

Er, well, I'm starting to think it's not her but him you should actually be worrying about.

I think the fact that you spoke with him about it before th walk and he was still very flirty, speaks volumes. How do you know they were talking about wanking?

I think you have to put some space between him and her, that's all you can do. It's a little drastic but if he's acting out some crush or other - even if that's as far as it goes - it's not doing you any good and it sounds like it's killing her husband as well. This is the kind of thing that gets spouses checking each other's text messages... Find activities that you can do as a couple without involving the other two. Take a long weekend away, maybe, and get a little closer.

If I were you I would focus on him and your children, spend time as a couple and a family as much as possible.

I would have no more to do with this woman, find new friends for yourself and encourage other play dates with the kids.

Have you been together long?

She told me at a toddler music group they were talking about wanking.

She is pg with an unwanted child - 10 weeks. Her dh doesn't want it. But she wants a girl. She said she was talking to my dh about how the methods of getting a girl and said she wishes she had made her dh were tight pants. And dh chipped in with lots of wanking to get sperm count down or something and the jocularity continued from there.

He would never have that kind of conversation with any female friends we have. It's weird.

Does he have a crush on her? I don't want to be with him if he does. He will be thinking about her all the time, when we're having sex etc.

I just want to utterly reject him. But o the grounds of flirting?

God, how horrible they both are. They're walking ahead talking about wanking and unwanted children and her DP and you are walking behind with your children.

I doubt her partner wants to go on holiday with you - why would he?

I would have gone right off him, if he were my husband, OP.

It sounds as if he is enjoying the excitement of the attention she gives him and the innuendo-filled banter they are sharing. To me the fact that he is only like this with her, rather than all your female friends signals that she has been the instigator in this and you need to drop her faster than a hot potato.

I'm not sure whether crush is the right term. Personally speaking, I have had passing 'crushes' on other men during my marriage but I would never have spoken to them about wanking or acted in a disresepctful manner towards my DH.

What a horrible situation for you OP.

I think you need to have a really blunt straight talking conversation with your DH.

Tell him that the way they're acting is making you uncomfortable, insecure and miserable. Tell him he can deny any knowledge if he likes but you know how youre feeling and the the way it looks to you.

It looks like flirting, it feels disrespectful, you felt humiliated on the walk, and when she was telling you about the hilarious 'wanking' at toddler group, and you dont want this to happen again.

Tell him you don't like her, you don't trust her, she's got her own relationship issues and you think she's stirring the shit.

Tell him to wise up and see that these situations can get out of control and lead to lots of misery and does he want that, or does he want to see the woods now and stop his faux naivety?

Tell him there's no way in hell youre going on holiday with them, that you're going to keep a civil distance from her and you suggest for the sake of your marriage he does the same.

I'd also throw in some stories that show her in bad light for good measure, if you've gout any, to pop the 'she's so funny and cool' type of bubble he may be in now.

Basically get it all out the open so no more crap pretend social situations so you two can flirt can set up.

Burst his bubble, bring him back to earth.

But whether she instigates or not, he is responding. That is unforgiveable imo. I am so upset. I can't get hold of him today either. I want to send him an email to this effect but of course I'm over reacting and look like a nutter but it all just seems to fall into place. I think it is a crush.

I went away one weekend and her dh was away and I said to my dh that he and she should take the children to the zoo together. I then saw a text from a friend that night saying, "I hope you managed to avoid fucking P". I asked dh about it and he couldn't really explain why his friend would send that. Perhaps he didn't manage to avoid it.

I want to send the following email:

"I am having a really hard time at the moment. Your reaction is not one of support. Rather it is one of aggressive defensiveness.

I find it very weird that last night you don't want me to tell P about our sex life but then yesterday, on the walk, you had a very frank conversation with her about wanking of all things almost as soon as we met! Can you not see how totally disrespectful that is to me? I don't actually believe you care, hence your coldness about the whole issue.

You have a crush on her. It is like you forget yourself when you are around her. You barely spoke to her dh or myself on that walk. He, I and the children may as well have not been there.

It is humiliating and devastating for me to see my husband behave in this teenage way. You are so keen to drop off her ds after cubs too so that you can spend a lot of time with her at their house as you have done in the past. I cannot believe I encouraged you two to spend the whole day together at the zoo when I was away that weekend. What an idiot I am.

Well, I'm bowing out. I don't compete and I don't expect my husband to run after other women the way you flutter your eyelashes at P. You can't do enough for her - picking up her ds, paying for his karate lessons etc (she paid me the money for that)."

Crush? Infatuation? I think the pregnant friend is being deliberately provocative by talking about sex, enjoying the attention that she's not getting from her own DH and the OP's DH is acting like a complete tit in return.... and probably doesn't realise quite how big a tit he looks.

The OP's DH is loving spending time with someone that thinks he's sooo much fun!!. That's all a lot of men want, really - unconditional admiration. Shallow. If the OP can be bothered, it's easily replicated. But get her out of the picture smartish before it becomes something more.

Don't write letters.... talk. Talk calmly from notes if you think you'll forget what you want to say but talk. You can't read someone's face when they get an e-mail the way you can when you say something to them directly. And an e-mail gives time to compose a clever response when what you want is a more visceral reaction.

I would be very careful about saying something like 'you can have her, i'm bowing out'. I don't want to be alarmist but if this has been brewing a while it may be the shove into her arms he is looking for. If you want to work on your marriage and come to a resolution rather than have him leave, I would go with Mordechai's more measured but straight-talking suggestions.

The reason your DH got a text from a mate saying "I hope you managed to avoid fucking P" is because he has, at the very least, told that mate that he fancies her.

the reason he doesn't want you talking about your sex life to her is because he doesn't want her believing anything other than the idea that he is a 5 timesa night stud. Because he fancies her.

Honestly I think your problem is more with your DH than your friend. take the "wanking conversation": a casual joke about tight pants may be amusing and isn't entirely inappropriate. His mentioning wanking is neither amusing or appropriate. Can you see that?

What your friends role in this is, who knows. It is possible that her telling you what a flirt he is is her way of trying to warn you that your DH is a bit OTT. She may well like the attention as well, teh two are not mutually exclusive.

You need to sort this out with your DH now. And no holidays with her and her husband

But if he wants her, he can have her. I don't want to be with someone who is fantasising about someone else. Yuck.

I might ask about that text again from our friend about hoping he managed to avoid shagging her.

I'm so worked up and upset.

That's awful. I'm so sorry. I think you need to stop contact with this woman. It may be that she feels she's done her bit by telling you he's a flirt. I'd also tell her that you're not going to see her for a while as DH's flirting is q demeaning for you and she's not being cold & discouraging him either.

She's not your friend. I'm not sure about him either . If my DH had that text I'd think he'd been living out his fantasy by telling him he wanted to fuck P but musn't because of his marriage. I'd tell him that he might feel like it's all in his head, he gets a buzz from the flirting & it feels harmless and secret but it's not. He's walking a knife edge that could cost him his marriage because even if he doesn't mean any of it "like that" he is actually treating you like dirt and that is the problem. If he doesn't intend to fuck this woman he ought to stop acting like it. If he does he ought to ship out first so he doesn't try to bring back to you anything he's caught from her.

This might all sound a bit strong, but I'd say it and worse. So sorry. I thought your 'friend' was just stirring but your H is (for now at least) acting like a total shit. I hope he gets over it.

Oh Op, that sounds really hurtful. I would be fuming too. She sounds like one of those women who has to think all men fancy her, I have had friends like that myself. Unfortunately some men lap it up.

You are right to put your foot down, you shouldn't feel like a gooseberry when you are out with your own husband for gods sake! Its obviously an ego thing with him so hit him where it hurts you have tried talking to him and explaining your feelings and he isnt taking it on board. So evil me would point out that everyone has commented that he is following her around like a lovesick puppy and that she has been laughing about it to you. Maybe a little bruising to the ego might tone it down a bit. He is acting like a fool and his loyalty should be to you.

And your 'friend' may be going through a tough time but she is crossing the line. If I were you I would distance myself a bit from her. She should not be looking for ego boosts at the expense of your happiness.

Good luck, I really hope you manage to get through to your DH.

You need to talk him, say the things in your email but in person.

If its a flirty thing, a bit exciting but at this point with no real intent, then he just needs a wake up call that spotted it and that's the end of the game.

It's horrid for you but actually not that abnormal for anyone to get a bit carried away with a crush when married.

That text though makes it sound like it may have gone beyond that. The fact your Dh has been discussing it with other friends, the fact she mentioned the flirting to you, the fact he asked you not to discuss your sex life with her, all makes it more suspicious.

Hard to know whether it was just him enjoying the flirting or if more had been considered.

You need to talk to him seriously.

Really really upsetting for you. Hope you're ok.

that text message would concern me the most.

he sounds like hes upto something or at least thinking about it.

the fact is friend knows, probably means you should take it seriously

drop contact with the friend if i wereyou

I once knew a guy who kept telling me I was really flirty and that I should stop as I had a boyfriend.

When I asked him what he meant by this, he said it was because I "made eye contact with guys and talked to them". Well woopie do. Sounds like your friend might like your DH

Oh dear OP. I'm sorry about all this. It must be horrible for you, I hope you're okay. :(

He is now ranting about how crap our sex life is and how we need sex therapy. And that I the only onehe wants but our sex is crap. Which is not what he says after it.

What was it that made you talk to him about it before the walk?

He sounds like he is being a bit mid-life crisisy - how old is he, anyway?

I'm sure your sex life ISN'T crap, is he pinning the blame for this on you by any chance? Your fault that sex isn't all splendid?

He wants a divorce because our sex life is so bad and a source of great frustration for him. And my being so insecure drives him mad. This has suddenly blown up. I know he wants more sex and less vanilla but he would have it ten times a day if he could.

Milk Monitor, he wants a divorce, let him take himself off then, don't you dare take the blame if your sex life is off, he is part to blame, don't let him blame you!

You will be fine, keep the home, and get maintenance etc, let him go off to the wonderful life of wanking he wants, silly man he will regret harming his family like this.

You will be just fine x