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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Emotionally abusive man. How far to trust him?

77 replies

SkinnedAlive · 03/10/2011 19:04

A friendship of mine has ended. I just want the man in question to pick up his belongings (to which he suddenly has an immense attachment but will not arrange to collect!). He is being emotionally abusive and has a few weeks ago got very angry and sworn at me. He will not apologise and accept swearing at me was wrong. He is attempting gaslighting - said he never swore at me, asking if I am having a mental breakdown that sort of thing.

I was very badly abused as a child which he knows. I live abroad and I do not feel a public place is a safe place for him to get his belongings. I cannot speak the language well and women are not well treated here. He could easily hit me and just walk away and no-one would help me and it would be hard for me to call the police myself.

I want him to collect the belongings from where I live. I feel safe there and there are 2 security doors before my flat. I can easily leave his things inside one security door and have 2 between me and him - as well as my neighbours who will make sure he leaves the building.

He says I am being unreasonable and I should meet him (he suggested a park - err NO!!!!!!!!!!). My view is if a man gets angry, swears and is gaslighting then he cannot be trusted not to be physically abusive. Am I being over-cautious or should I stick to my guns? I just want him out of my life but he just will not meet in a place where I feel safe

I also must add he has things of mine - some of which he admits he has lost and he owes me a small sum of money - all of which is in excess of the cost of his things. Part of me wants to tell him to go spin but he is guilt tripping me into giving him his things back (and I doubt I will get my money either)

OP posts:

Xales · 03/10/2011 19:09

Don't trust him an inch. Don't get into a debate. Tell him his stuff will be there at X time on Y date. If it is not gone by z time you will consider he doesn't want it and dispose of it accordingly. End of conversation. If he carries on simply repeat his stuff will be there time & date. After telling him 3 times say goodbye and hang up. Turn off/unplug your phone and don't reply to him again.

Write off your stuff and money as a cheap way of getting rid

Xales · 03/10/2011 19:10

Then change all your numbers & email if you can.

KatieScarlett2833 · 03/10/2011 19:12

Put it in writing to him and keep a copy.

Other than that, what Xales says.

Anniegetyourgun · 03/10/2011 19:16

How far to trust him? Approximately half as far as you could throw him, frankly.

I wouldn't worry about the guilt - you know he owes you more than you owe him, who ought to feel guilty here? - just worry about your own safety. If that means waving goodbye to your things and your money, well, things can be replaced. That's why I'm not just saying you should defy him; the law may be on his side. However, that's not a reason you should do exactly what he says. Quite the reverse, if you suspect he's only doing it to get you away from your safety zone then TOUGH, you ain't gonna do it! If you make reasonable arrangements for him to pick his things up, but he won't co-operate, he won't get his stuff, which is his problem. If they were really important to him he'd make the trip to your flat. This demonstrates that what is really important to him is pushing you around.

Original poster

SkinnedAlive · 03/10/2011 19:19

Thanks - I really don't care about my own stuff. As you say - its like paying Rentokill to get rid of a nasty pest. A necessary evil but well worth it. I can easily block him on my e-mail (and have done so) and as regards my phone number - I never get unlisted numbers calling so I just don't need to answer any of those in the near future.

I have no idea what motivation he could have for a face to face meeting other than to be nasty to me, whether physically or emotionally :(

OP posts:

nametapes · 03/10/2011 19:19

He is a male chauvinistic pig, and not to be trusted. If really necessary meet only in a public place. If he doesnt get his stuff then as you said bin it. You are doing the right thing, and your instincts are to be trusted....
after such a difiicult childhood find a man who is truly kind, caring trustworthy and considerate, who doesnt swear at you and treat you like you are nothing.

good luck and let us know how it goes. ,,,hugs..xxx

Anniegetyourgun · 03/10/2011 19:25

erm, or rather, in these particular circumstances, don't meet him in a public place!

Original poster

SkinnedAlive · 03/10/2011 19:45

Thanks for the hugs nametapes. After what happened to me I KNOW I am a strong women so this attempt at gaslighting is almost funny in how pathetic it is. He is getting desperate and I think his refusal to pick his stuff up is an attempt to keep lines of communication open with me. He is hoping I will miss him and have him back. He has underestimated me. I feel the swearing was the turning point - he had to realise he was wrong and apologise. He DOES have lots of good points, adn was a very genuine friend to me, but his behaviour now is totally unacceptable.

OP posts:

HerHissyness · 03/10/2011 20:08

Your instincts are bang on, this is a ploy to keep a reason to contact you.

dump his stuff in a bag and tell him to come and get it, or no doubt it'll all get lifted.

Oh and the nice/genuine friend bit????? no, he wasn't. that was a ploy. You are now seeing the real him. Don't kid yourself.

Trust me, have lived in similar environment. Hold on to what you know for sure and don't let go. don't believe a word from him. Seriously.

solidgoldbrass · 04/10/2011 01:03

Are there any self-storage/left-luggage places near you? If so, can you put the stuff there and post him the collection details telling him that he has however many days (I think you can store stuff at weekly rates) to collect it, after which you will not pay any more storage on it and leave it up to the storage place to dispose of it.

LoveBeingAMummyAgain · 04/10/2011 01:26

Does he leave in a flat can you dump it there when he is out? Can you post it? Agree tell him it is at x place at x time. Then that is it, do not answer another call ever, do not let him into your building. If neighbours would be likely to buzz him in make sure you tell them no.

Quite simply do not engage with him any further, any contact by you would be seen as encouragement not matter how negative.

nametapes · 04/10/2011 09:04

not picking up his stuff would be the final termination of his relationship with you , so he is keeping it going in a way by not getting his things. (bastard) . Dont think about his good points when he has been an emotional abuser. He would 'ruin' you , as it were if your relationship carried on. Let him go. He will do you nothing but harm in more ways than one.

I have been with 2 emotional and physical abusers and it always gets worse, as does the state of your own mind and self esteem.

CeliaFate · 04/10/2011 09:09

Text/phone him and say you're putting his things on the street outside your place at a certain day and time, up to him then whether he collects them.

AnyFucker · 04/10/2011 10:52

Simply text him to say his stuff is in a bag on the outside step of your building

Up to him if he wants it

Make it clear you will be leaving it there to get stolen if he doesn't pick it up

This is more emotional abuse...don't buy into it

crestofthewave · 04/10/2011 11:00

OP - he wants to keep his options open.As others have said,put the ball in his court regarding his stuff-he will muck you about forever,if you enable him to.

Original poster

SkinnedAlive · 04/10/2011 13:22

Thanks for the support everyone :)

Every time I feel a bit lonley I come here to remind myself he was not really a good friend and not to feel sorry for him. Its hard not to think about the person I once knew that was sweet and kind and not to hope that that person can come back one day. Of course that person was not real and was just an act and now I am seeing his true colours :( Seeing everyones post's and support reminds me that my instincts are right and that he will hurt me no more!

Well I have given him a list of days and times that are convenient for me when he can pick his stuff up. I have also told him he must give me 24 hours notice of the day and time he is coming. If it is not picked up by Sunday it will go in the bin. If I leave it outside where I live it will disappear immediately. I am happy with him coming inside the the first security door where I can leave the stuff and it will be safe. There are another 2 security doors between him and me with only me and my direct neighbour having keys to them so he can't actually get any further. Also, I have picked times when my male neighbours are about so he will be unable to make any sort of fuss or he would be slung out on his ear. They are all very protective of me so I have no fear whatsoever of him coming to my building.

I just want it over now. Of course I will get to Saturday and will probably have no message saying when he is coming and he will not turn up Sunday. I have texted AND e-mailed him the days and times so he has no excuse. I have had no acknolegement but I know he has got both. He knows I am a kind person and he is playing on the fact I won't throw his stuff out. He is wrong. He crossed a line and I have been reasonable and given him plenty of time and warning. He will only have himself to blame when I throw it out and he will have no means to contact me again thank goodness.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 04/10/2011 13:44

make sure you follow through on your threat when he dicks you about

he most likely will

Anniegetyourgun · 04/10/2011 13:48

Your neighbours sound fabulous

Original poster

SkinnedAlive · 04/10/2011 13:50

Yes anyfucker I think he will. In fact I am certain of it :( Or alternatively he will contact me being very, very nice - he will say he will come over and can we maybe chat and sort things out. I will say no, the stuff will be in X location. He will then get angry and be mean.

I will probably take it to the charity shop round the corner. If he doesn't come on Friday I will tell him it is there are he can pay to get it back.

OP posts:

Original poster

SkinnedAlive · 04/10/2011 13:53

opps come on Sunday I mean!

Yes Annie - my neighbours are wonderful :) I live abroad and there is a real sense of community in my building. Even though I don't speak the language very well the women still invite me for coffee mornings (none of them speak English!) and I am invited to all BBQ's and parties. They think I am shy(!) so if they see my trying to slink into my house when there is a party someone always comes and gets me and chats to me in English :)

OP posts:

ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow · 04/10/2011 14:06

Your experience sounds a lot like mine and my stbxh wrt his stuff in my house, using it as his last remaining hook for manipulation and control... He refused on several occasions to take delivery of his things which I had courriered to him, since it would have meant accepting something on my terms; abusers hate that. Eight months after separating, he is still going through our lawyers to demand I send him various oh-so-essential objects, such as an eight-year-old opened tube of glue...

Good luck to you getting rid of all your ex-friend's stuff as quickly and decisively as possible!

Original poster

SkinnedAlive · 04/10/2011 14:28

Ha ha ha - that made me laugh. An 8 year old opened tube of glue!!!!!!!!!!!!! I know its not funny but if you didn't laugh you would cry. That is it though, I think it is the control issue. He hates being told you will get your belongings back on MY terms. I am a very easy going person, looking back everything was on his terms. He was emotionally abusive at times but I was very vunerable when I met him and really needed a friend. I know my feelings get hurt too easily so I often put things down to me being over-sensitive when of course I shouldn't have. It was only when he asked me for something exceptionally unreasonable and I said no and meant it that he changed and became very mean. That is who he really is and I have glad I have seen it before he can do any more damage to my feelings or any physical damage.

OP posts:

Thumbwitch · 04/10/2011 14:34

Glad you've managed to escape his clutches and glad that you are being very sensible about his belongings (and yours, for that matter).

I think you should just tell him when you are putting his stuff outside your door and give him 24h to collect it - if he doesn't fetch it in that time, tell him which charity shop it has gone to and then let it go.

It then becomes his problem - he chooses to either lose it or pick it up on your terms. I would also suggest you inform your neighbours what the bags are, so they don't "helpfully" move them for you - and so that you have witnesses should he claim that you have stolen his stuff if it disappears before he collects it.

ItsMe - your ex sounds like a cock of the highest order - wouldn't accept it from the courier?? Absolute shit bag.

ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow · 04/10/2011 14:54

Thank you Thumbwitch. I can with complete confidence and serenity affirm that he is, indeed, a cock of the highest order.

Glad my story made you laugh, SkinnedAlive. I hope it helps to view your ex-friend's actions with the same detachment: anything he does wrt his stuff are the actions of a looooooon with control issues, and the emotional maturity of a 3-year-old. Point and laugh. And don't let your better nature make you be more accomodating to him than he deserves.

nametapes · 05/10/2011 09:23

Whereabouts are you abroad where women are not treated well?

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