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Original poster

Emotionally abusive man. How far to trust him?

77 replies

SkinnedAlive · 03/10/2011 19:04

A friendship of mine has ended. I just want the man in question to pick up his belongings (to which he suddenly has an immense attachment but will not arrange to collect!). He is being emotionally abusive and has a few weeks ago got very angry and sworn at me. He will not apologise and accept swearing at me was wrong. He is attempting gaslighting - said he never swore at me, asking if I am having a mental breakdown that sort of thing.

I was very badly abused as a child which he knows. I live abroad and I do not feel a public place is a safe place for him to get his belongings. I cannot speak the language well and women are not well treated here. He could easily hit me and just walk away and no-one would help me and it would be hard for me to call the police myself.

I want him to collect the belongings from where I live. I feel safe there and there are 2 security doors before my flat. I can easily leave his things inside one security door and have 2 between me and him - as well as my neighbours who will make sure he leaves the building.

He says I am being unreasonable and I should meet him (he suggested a park - err NO!!!!!!!!!!). My view is if a man gets angry, swears and is gaslighting then he cannot be trusted not to be physically abusive. Am I being over-cautious or should I stick to my guns? I just want him out of my life but he just will not meet in a place where I feel safe

I also must add he has things of mine - some of which he admits he has lost and he owes me a small sum of money - all of which is in excess of the cost of his things. Part of me wants to tell him to go spin but he is guilt tripping me into giving him his things back (and I doubt I will get my money either)

OP posts:
Original poster
SkinnedAlive · 06/10/2011 17:29

The sad thing is, I think at heart he is a good person. What happened to him to make him so mean? I do believe some people are born mean, and others are made mean. I was reading some interesting experiments on genetics, environment and intelligence today and it made me think. He does stutter and at times can hardly speak to me it is so bad :( I think he is socially awkward in many ways and maybe I felt we were two misfits together. Although I appear very confident around people it is always a big effort and can be like wearing a mask.

Anyway, I will never know the answers to those questions and it is for him to sort out his own life and happiness. I just hope he turns up.

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Original poster
SkinnedAlive · 06/10/2011 17:30

I like your style herhissyness. Yes, I will do that. I am expecting a cancellation so best to be prepared :)

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LilQueenie · 06/10/2011 17:54

I think he is socially awkward in many ways and maybe I felt we were two misfits together. Although I appear very confident around people it is always a big effort and can be like wearing a mask.

you know what that sounds like me and my partner too :(

Original poster
SkinnedAlive · 06/10/2011 18:07

Sorry to hear that LilQueenie. I hope your partner doesn't make you too unhappy. At least I have my escape this evening :)

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HerHissyness · 06/10/2011 18:12

I have 10 years experience with X. He makes your little chap look like a rank amateur!

He is NOT a good person. Good people would check themselves. Good people have consciences, empathy and would think, 'Ach No, I can't do that to her, she's a friend'.

No excuses for him, he's a fck up, an abusive, manipulative, lying Fck up.

He probably did all this friendship baloney ONLY to get the apartment rented.... I've known people do this kind of crap for a lot less!

I appear confident and it's a mask, most of us are like that AFAIK. There is no reason to be managed, manipulated and treated badly because of it. Self esteem issues can lead us into situations with abusive/manipulative people. Doesn't make any of it our fault, does it?

LilQueenie · 06/10/2011 18:14

Good luck with this evening. I should be on most of the night i fyou need support :)

Ive just hit a bad patch again. In tears for a bit thinking about him. So many good things and good times but now I cant even speak to him because it gives him false hope. He breaksdown in tears because he cant accept its over. So messed up. Been out shopping and all the christmas stuff....keep thinking about DD's first christmas. Will he see it with us or not. Just as a visitor. It upsets me he wont see all her firsts he so desperatly wants because of his behaviour.

LilQueenie · 06/10/2011 18:18

sorry didntmean to jump on your thread. I thought I was posting on the other one.

Original poster
SkinnedAlive · 06/10/2011 18:26

Don't be silly LilQueenie - of course you can post on this thread :) I am so sorry to hear about how you are feeling. At least mine will never beg or anything like that. I can't imagine how hard it must be to turn yours away. Mine is cold and mean and telling very obvious lies just now so it makes it a LOT easier. I don't feel upset like I thought I might, just relieved and a bit philosophical.

Herhissyness i have known him for about 10 months and only did the flat recently. But to be honest we had another big fight round about that time, and I actually do think he maybe tried to mend the friendship so I would deal with his flat. He was on holiday so if I hadn't it would have sat empty for at least a month. He is saying he has lost one of his jobs, that is why he can't afford to pay me back. I don't think that's true as his coming back from the countryside leaving the office is the job he said he lost. Maybe he was planning to ask for a loan :(

Anyway only 30 minutes until he is due to turn up

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LilQueenie · 06/10/2011 18:35

looks like we are in the same position. In about hte same time he will be coming to get some of his belongings too. This is the scary part. He sounded a bit sad on phone but its when I see him I go to peices. I have to cope with DD once he is gone. I cant barely even control myself when he leaves. He wants to stay and I cant cope with hte hurt on his face.

Original poster
SkinnedAlive · 06/10/2011 18:39

All I can say is don't look at his face if it is going to hurt you. Push his stuff into his hands, don't speak or make eye contact and shut the door. You have to look after yourself and DD. His feelings don't count now. Or is he visiting DD at the same time? Makes it a lot harder on you :(

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Original poster
SkinnedAlive · 06/10/2011 19:36

Well it is done :)

Since my neighbours were sitting outside their houses in the courtyard (so zero danger to me) I opened the outer door and handed the bag to him. He said hello and did the whole 'I am going to burst into tears face' as described by LilQueenie. I simply handed him the bag and said goodbye, turned and walked away, leaving him standing there. All I saw on his face as I turned was absolute shock. He expected me to grovel, want to talk, want him back. He under-estimated me. It is over now and I do feel a little tearful. I have wasted too many tears over him and tonight is the last tears I will cry.

Hope you are ok too LilQueenie. Be strong and take care of yourself and DD. I am off for a long hot bath :)

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ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow · 06/10/2011 19:54

Well done SkinnedAlive

Wine time!

HerHissyness · 06/10/2011 20:21

Brava SkinnedAlive! BRAVA!

Well done love!

AnyCorpseFucker · 06/10/2011 20:23
Grin

I so love that term "those are the last tears I will cry over him"

Stick to that

HerHissyness · 06/10/2011 20:49

oh crap, I am going to have to come up with a Halloween name aren't i?

AnyCorpseFucker · 06/10/2011 21:02

HerScaryNess

Original poster
SkinnedAlive · 06/10/2011 21:05

Thanks everyone :)

I have had my bath. No tears at all - I thought there would be. I just feel happy and free. No more feeling rejected, and stupid and ugly. No more being insulted. No more been stood up. No more dreading opening my e-mail. No more questioning why does he treat me this way :)

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AnyCorpseFucker · 06/10/2011 21:07

Ah, freedom is a wonderful thing

HerHissyness · 06/10/2011 23:14

AF, this name is one of your creations too you know?

HerScaryness · 06/10/2011 23:16

[lightweight]

solidgoldbrass · 06/10/2011 23:24

SkinnedAlive: Oh yay! good for you. What a plonker this bloke is. Please don't waste a second feeling guilty, his BoohooFace was about as authentic as a tory promise. He will be off to leech off and slime over some other women by now. And you have finely recalibrated Knob Radar.

Thumbwitch · 06/10/2011 23:38

Hurrah for you SkinnedAlive! That's great, that he actually turned up and you were so strong. Fantastic! :)

Original poster
SkinnedAlive · 09/10/2011 19:15

Thanks for all of your kind words :)

I have been feeling really sad today. I was out at a friends birthday party last night and I was the only single person there out of a roomful of people. I know a relationship is not the be all and end all of life, but I just feel so cheated. My whole family are dead and I know I will never have a healthy, happy relationship or children of my own :( :( I have not had a boyfriend or even been kissed in well over 10 years. There I have admitted it. I am pretty and funny and not even my close friends imagine I have been single this long - they just think I am private about such things.

I have had lots of therapy and I do not think there is any coming back from the abuse I suffered as a child. I feel such a failure. Other abused children cope - they have relationships and children and begin to understand what it is to be loved. I know my cats love me, but how I wish there was another human being out there for me

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ItsMeAndMyPumpkinNow · 09/10/2011 19:55

Hey SkinnedAlive I'm sorry you're feeling so low today.

Lots of us on here know how you feel.

You are pretty and funny and lovable in your own right. There doesn't need to be another person around to confirm it for you.

Companionship is nice, yes. But your worth is within you, not in how those around you see you.

You've had therapy so I know you know all this. I'm working through a lot of those feelings myself at the moment (have left abusive marriage, and through therapy post-breakup have now understood that my parents were my primary abusers. I have many days where I wonder: "Well, what is the point of my being pretty and funny and nice if there's no-one around to appreciate it?", and the above is how I get around those feelings.)

Do you want to come over to the Stately Homes threads to talk to other adult children of abusers?

Original poster
SkinnedAlive · 09/10/2011 20:04

Thank you ItsMeAndMyPumpkinNow I don't know why but I thought the Stately Homes thread was about visiting err - old estate or a castle or something Confused I will come in and say hello :)

I know that I am not really sad about the end of the friendship for what it REALLY was - but the loss of hope. And I also knew I used him and the situation to distract myself from the fact the rest of my life is in pieces - and now I have to face up to those things

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