Am I being immature and stupid about this and if so why do I feel so hurt? (long - so so sorry)

[possiblyinthewrong]

It was my birthday a few days ago. I?ve been having a really stressful time at work and even though I could ill afford the day off I decided to sod it and take a day?s leave. This was discussed with DH beforehand. In fact we had quite a lengthy chat about not going out for dinner due to lack of babysitter and the cost of it but I said that it would be nice to go for a lunch offer somewhere inexpensive and have take the opportunity to have some time with DD (2.9) in the afternoon . I had arranged for friends to come over the next day and was feeling pretty positive about things.

Background ? DH is a SAHD but this is not through mutual agreement. He had anxiety issues and was struggling with his job and was in the process of being managed out when he left over a year ago. The whole thing was pretty awful at the time ? the job started to go badly wrong for him, he felt he was being bullied, I had started a new job after ML which was very stressful and highly pressured. At the time I had said that I would give it 6 months but if it wasn?t suitable and I couldn?t get the balance I wanted with DD then I would look for something else. Within days of starting this job, he fessed up that things were going wrong at work. Then there were lies about going to work when he wasn?t turning up. He got himself signed off and didn?t tell me, he instructed a law firm about unfair dismissal, discrimination, bullying without telling me and paid for it out of our joint account, he got put on half pay due to the lengthy periods of time he wasn?t working and didn?t tell me. I was going out of my mind at the time ? I was humiliated on more than one occasion when I called to speak to him and he hadn?t gone in. I knew that they?d all be talking about it when I put the phone down. All the time I had this really stressful new job to try and settle into. I saw that I had no choice but to get my head down and do it as I knew his work wasn?t secure. It isn?t compatible with family life at all and I?ve missed out on lots of DD?s milestones. I would have liked to have had another baby quite soon after DD but that is not on the cards any longer. I carry a lot of hurt and anger around with me because of this.

Sorry ? off topic but to try and give some background and because I started typing and it all just sort if fell out.

Anyway a year or so of struggling and then he finally left the job. I was frantic about our finances and sad that it meant that I had absolutely no choice but to keep going on the treadmill but there was a certain amount of relief that it was over. That was over a year ago and he hasn?t worked since. Initially DD stayed in nursery for a bit while I thought he would try and look for work. He says that he has tried but in all this time one job interview and offer materialised which was unworkable because of the geographical location. He has worked hard looking after DD but I hate the way things have worked out. We did discuss and agree how things would work after kids and this certainly wasn?t it. Anyway, he has made no financial contribution to our household since he left his job. I feel completely alone in managing our finances.

So ? when it came round to my birthday there were some things I needed and we agreed that I?d buy some winter boots. I said that I?d have a look around, choose them and send him a link. The way it turned out, I went and bought them and paid for them myself (not even out of the joint account) and brought them home and told him to put them away until my birthday. The next day my sister was over and I asked him to dig them out to get a second opinion from her. I was fretting about the money side of things and didn?t want to make an expensive mistake. Anyway she liked them so I gave them back and said to put them away but they just got left out and junk mail etc piled on top of them.

Basically on the day of my birthday, I came down to find the boots and a card from him and a card from DD and nothing else. Not even a token gesture of flowers picked from the garden or cheapo chocolates or wine or anything. So I just stood there and thought well after all the pain of the last couple of years, after me paying for EVERYTHING for all of us, working like a loon with no chink of light at the end of the tunnel, no hope of moving on, no baby, fertility issues, ticking body clock and no hope of what he will do with himself, no plan of what he will do, will he EVER go and get a job? Will he keep a job? Will I have to be a parent to him for the rest of my life? Will he ever know what happens with our bank accounts or how and when the bills get paid? After all of this, all I?m worth is something I went and got and paid for myself with no thought from him. I felt really hurt and even more so when it became apparent that he had not planned lunch or made any arrangements at all for the rare day off that I?d managed to book. We ended up rowing. Had an absolutely awful day.

My mum texted me but didn?t bother calling. Her card arrived a day late. Silly really but that was just about the final nail in the coffin.

I hate birthdays ? I think this one has hit me so hard because I kept the faith and believed that he would get himself sorted, get a plan, a job. And bang another year has gone by and nothing has happened. I stress about our finances while he doesn?t seem bothered. I stay awake stressing about work and don?t have a waking moment of peace in my day. He has been thinking about retraining as a teacher ? last night after this most horrid of weekends he landed the final blow by telling me that he is almost decided about applying and if he does he will get enrolled by September 2012 and trained by 2013. I could cry ? I just went and sat in the dark and sobbed for an hour. At no point is any of this couched in terms of how this will be managed or how we will pay for childcare and tuition fees. I?ve worked so hard to finally clear my student debt and get debt free save for the mortgage and I just feel depressed that this will lead us back into debt and he gives me no confidence that he will stick with it and 2 more years of me as sole breadwinner. And no baby. No baby. I?m not even happy for my friends when they?re pregnant ? of course I tell them that I am but it hurts so much, it makes me want to gasp for air.

I?m so sorry this is so long and so off topic. Am I being immature and silly to feel like this is a slap in the face. I felt so low the last few days I couldn?t get my words out without my voice cracking. DD has seen me crying and it isn?t fair on her. I know it isn?t really about a present ? it?s just wanting to be looked after and thought about for once. Everyone just assumes I?ll always cope and will get on with it regardless. My mum probably didn?t think for a moment I?d be hurt by her not calling me. Is it just me or do other people end up feeling absolutely wretched on their birthday too?

And.... counselling also needs to address the hurt and pain that the OP justifiably feels about her husband lying to her about work and the solicitors etc. As I said, this is not fair and OP needs a huuuge apology and desire for change from her husband. However, lying by someone who is unwell (e.g with an eating disorder, depressed etc) is fairly common. It can be got past with work.

OP - I am sorry for posting so much on your thread! Some of this really resonates with me (you'll see if you read all my posts) and I feel like we have come out the other side and are in a really good place for all of us... a place that involves DH being a SAHD.

dear Op, my heart goes out to you. I was in a similar situation and have the benefit of hindsight in seeing what I Shd have done. I think you need to completely abdicate responsibility. basically quit your job, stay at home with your daughter and prepare to go bankrupt and to lose your house. let your H realise that you don't care anymore. become depressed, don't do anything except spend time with your daughter. take credit to run your expenses if needed. let your H see that everything ia going to be lost. in my case the joint account was in overdraft by 3k when my ex started looking for work. he found it, I took another 6 months off and went back to work. I also got a divorce. this is extreme, but if u would rather lose money than your daughter that is the way forward. by the time your divorce comes to court (on grounds of mutual consent after 2 yrs) you will be your dcs primary carer. if u work in law u can anyway earn and build back slowly. my mom used to say that I was the goose that laid the golden egg for my exh. don't be his goose. ive been divorced for a yr and I've built back emotionally and financially in a way that I could never have with him around.

But this man skived off work when he had a job, did it badly, and then spunked a big chunk of family money on lawyers without telling the OP. This sounds like someone who thinks everything is someone else's fault and that the world ought to revolve around him. He is demonstrating that he has no interest at all un the amount of stress the OP is under.
I really think she should get legal advice about how to kick him out.

OP please come back and post. I'm worried that you've broken down.

Sorry to disappear from the thread, I was working. I'm trying to process the advice on here and I'm grateful to you all for taking the time to post. I need to re-read some of the posts and think them through. Thanks especially to those who have been through similar. Some of this has helped me to start sifting through my thoughts and try and formulate a way out. I'm feeling pretty drained after speaking to my mum for the first time in a while and just breaking down to the point I couldn't catch my breath. Had an hour sitting in my car after that and feel as though I just need to go to sleep now.

Thank you for updating OP. It is good to hear you talked to your mum about this issue. It is a good thing to talk to others about this rather than holding it all in. Remember that only you can know the truth of your situation - we can offer advice that is coloured by our own experiences, but different people seem to be reading your posts very differently in terms of defining the central issue and only you know what the "essence" of your situation is. Advice will differ greatly depending on what is actually the central problem here (i.e., "adjusting to a reversal of traditional roles" versus "being with someone whose behaviour has trapped you into working constantly to keep a roof over your head, contrary to anything you ever agreed on together/ wanted, and who shows no regard for your feelings and little inclination to change". I'm glad that you have started to feel like there may be some options for formulating a way out. Sleep well.

OP this situation can't go on.

I have a cousin who is facing up (finally) to the fact her dp is never going to support her. He has left many jobs, oddly enough, always claims he was bullied. He is depressed, yet takes anti depressants for a few weeks then stops, preferring to self medicate with booze they can ill afford. The final straw for her was finding him out his skull on over the counter meds in the middle of the the afternoon. I have no idea if he is genuinely depressed, he may well be but if he is, he should be doing everything in his power to seek and accept treatment. Same with the anxiety. I suffered that after a health scare and totally sympathise with anyone suffering it, yet it can be worked on. The thing that I don't think can be worked on is his being a liar.

He lied to you about going to work, he lied and stole from joint money to fund a legal case. Yes, I do think spending the joint money without discussion in this way is stealing by keeping it deliberately quiet and not caring about the fallout. His mother lies (by omission) and enables his life by keeping up appearances. He clearly learned from the best.

The missing the teaching deadline sums it up. It's a red herring, a carrot to buy time. He was never going to do it. Anxiety is dreadful, I suffered it after a health crisis and totally sympathise, but the easiest option of withdrawing from life is the least helpful one in terms of recovery. It's almost heading toward aggrophobia when you withdraw so much and shrink your world. He doesn't sound like he has a plan for beating the anxiety. He needs one, he needs to batter down the door of the GP for whatever they can try next. And self help.

What can you do? For a start, you can tell him what you won't accept and that has to be vague plans for a future training course. I don't think you're problem stems from him being a SAHD, I think you do appreciate how valuable a role it is, but from feeling duped and backed into a corner. If a dh can't be there for you and hear you, really hear you, what on earth is the point of the partnership.

Glad you told your mother. Now stop enabling the charade of his mother lying about him working. If he and she are happy with the status quo, why are they hiding it?...Because they know it's at your expense.