Distant dh

[DisparateHousewife]

I don't know if I'm being unrealistic or unreasonable, but here goes. Been married for 15 years. I don't work. Dh is self-employed

He works hard and is good at his job. He doesn't drink to excess, smoke, gamble, womanise, abuse me, go out with his mates, spend a fortune on himself or have any other bad habits.

The problem is when he comes home from work he'll exercise, shower then come to the table for his meal. We'll have a chat about the day, then he goes off to his den for the evening. That's the contact we have. I'm left to deal with kids' homework, clubs, supervising bath and bed (they do it themselves, they're 10 and 8 but need reminding when to do it), listening to reading etc.

I feel like the live in help. I'm lonely and would like his company, but he says he wants to watch sport on tv and relax in the evenings. Fair enough, but all evening?

Am I making a mountain out of a mole hill?

I would get a hobby ie go the gym so you get a night off and he can interact with the kids more.

How's your sex life? Are you intimate? What happens at your bed time?

No, I don't think so. Once in a while I could understand it - a special match or whatever, but every night?

Also, apart from financially, he doesn't appear to contribute anything to family life. That wouldn't suit me at all.

I find it strange that you're not in the same room in the evenings, even if you weren't interested in the same things. Admittedly dh doesn't have a den, but if he wants to watch somethin I don't or vice versa - I'll play on the laptop or read, and he'll do the same, in the same room - occasionally exchanging a word or two .

Distance can be a difficult thing to overcome when it gets accepted as part of a relationship. We all need to relax after work and I also believe that everyone needs personal, peaceful time in your own company but there has to be a balance. Otherwise you can easily find yourself living with a virtual stranger.

DP and I talked about this very thing a few weeks ago and we were fairly staggered to tot up just how long we spend in our respective studies/workrooms in the evening and at weekends. So while we aren't great ones for timetables and schedules, we now set aside clear time when computers are off and we spend time actually relaxing together. Even if this just means being sat in the sitting room watching television or outside gardening, say.

Can you talk to your DH and tell him that you know he wants to unwind after work but that you are increasingly worried about the solitary way in which you lead your lives?

I don't want to worry you but this scenario is very familiar....it is exactly the same as mine was earlier this year. I told everyone who would listen about how disconnected my OH had become. Then a couple of months ago he walked out, saying that he felt trapped and needed to be on his own. He has not come back.

Please talk to your OH. I hope he not holding in all his resentment as mine was...he may simply be quiet. But (just like mine) you say he does not booze or womanise etc......but men can feel caged. I found this out too late and sadly, I am now paying the price for that lack of communication...