advice needed desperately regarding social services

[wannabestressfree]

I am desperate for some advice and wondered if anyone could help......

I have three sons. 14,10 and 7. My oldest is aspergers and ADHD, self harms daily and has had two stays in mental hospitals. On sunday he attacked me with a knife in front of my middle son. He didn't hurt me but obviously it was very scarey. He then absconded {he does this a lot} and eventually the police took him to hospital.

A house officer phoned me in the morning and said he would be requiring inpatient treatment but he is medicating at the moment [he is on a childrens ward} and so they have reversed the decision and say he is fit to return home. He self harms daily and his special education school has told social services they are refusing to have him back. I work full time as a teacher.

I told social services I wouldn't have him in the house......... this is after years of asking for help and they have phoned today and said they will give me respite for a week by placing him in foster care in our old home town. I cannot believe they would do this as this is where he absconds too and drinks and was basically told 'tough'......... no other foster carers would take him due to his mental condition. The social worker insisted I tell my school they were dealing with us {head was super supportive} and said they would be looking at the other children. I am so upset as I just want some help.

He will stop taking his medication when he comes home, attack the other children and roams in and out of the house. We are all exhausted.

So advice please............ do I take him back tomorrow or allow him into foster care that I know is not the right place. I honestly feel like they are emotionally blackmailing me..................

[Atreegrowsinbrooklyn]

Sunshinenow

WTF are you talking about?

My post was totally supportive.

[Sunshinenow]

I realise it was, sorry. It's just that the situation has moved on loads since the original problem that Ss were wanting to send her son home. That's not the situation at all now alas.

Perhaps I being a bit sensitive considering wannabe's post from this morning with her awful news.

Am hoping today has passed as well as it can.

[Atreegrowsinbrooklyn]

It is not just 'another persons campaign'. It is there to provide help, support and longer term assistance for people in the same position as the OP. exactly what is needed seeing as there is virtually no support for these families and their affected children/adolescents.

And it is best that he does not come home soon as desperately sad as that is for the OP because speaking from long experience, once SS have returned a child like this home, any sense of urgency/.emergency withers away on the vine.

OP is far better placed (for what that's worth service wise) to gain attention and help whilst her son is cared for elsewhere.

My love and hugs to you OP.

And other posters...don't jump to such negative conclusions. This is not the place.

[Sunshinenow]

I too hope you have RL support today. I have rarely been so moved on MN, by your struggles and have read this thread develop over the months.

If there is ANYTHING you need please put any pride to one side. And just ask, I for one would try to ease your burden, in whatever mundane way I can.

[Atreegrowsinbrooklyn]

Me too re Sunshine's words.

I'd like to help out financially. It is only money. Please do not be too embarrassed to take it.

[CiderwithBuda]

Atree - I think it seems like you haven't read the whole thread. It has moved on a lot from the initial post.

Wannabe - I am so sorry about latest developments. The social worker should be sacked.

I am willing to help with the Bindmans fee too. Wannabe - please let us help you with this. I know we all feel so useless and would love to be able to do something practical to help you.

[CiderwithBuda]

Cross posted. Sorry Atree.

[izzyizin]

Oh god, wannabe. This is horrendous news. You and your poor boy have suffered so much. My heart goes out to you both.

This makes the Bill Yule's abysmal security pale into insignificance. and it is such a colossal breach of professional standards on the part of both your local authority and your ds's clinicians that it's overwhelming.

One thing is clear; you are best advised not to make any contact with the sw who saw fit to visit your ds without reference to you as she needs to be called to account at director/chair of social services level, and Ardenleigh's failings in this matter should be addressed at board level.

Honey, this is far too much for you as a lone invididual to deal with and I implore you to please let us chip in to the 'Bindmans' fund' and get legal action underway early next week.

We can't take your pain away but we can shoulder some of the load by doing our small bit to make sure that you and your ds get the positive outcomes that you so richly deserve and which are so long overdue.

Frankly, it beggars belief that Ardenleigh have seen fit to cancel your visit at a time when your ds most needs you and when you most need to see him.

The fact that they have acted in this callous and arbitrary manner would seem to be further evidence that being in the voluntary care of your local authority is not in the best interests of your ds.

I pray that your boy makes a speedy recovery and that you will be able to visit him in the next few days. If you should need help with travel expenses I can make an instant bank transfer into your account.

[Atreegrowsinbrooklyn]

Wannabe

Do you have a paypal account? I can transfer cash into that if you have.

[izzyizin]

I've re-read the above and they're just words. Heartfelt but, ultimately, meaningless. I want to hug you and your boy and transport both of you to a place where you'll be free of this purgatory.

You've struggled alone for far too long, honey. Please, please, let us do what we can to get justice for you and your son.

[Sunshinenow]

I would second Bindman's needs to be starting the legal action process on Monday morning. This is all too much for one person.

They MUST start taking over some this for you. Please let people help.

[Sunshinenow]

I agree Maryz. Under normal circumstances I think 'helping' cam derail a thread and cause more trouble than it is worth, in the long run for the individual. It always seems to escalate with it's own momentum. I don't know, but suspect it is the last thig wannabe can deal with now. I will email mnhq and ask for advice.

This thread should be supportive but not overwhelming. I think better off line.
It is distressing enough reading this, never mind wannabe coping with it herself.

[Atreegrowsinbrooklyn]

Let OP decide what is overwhelming, welcome and/or appropriate if and when she decides to return. Clearly OP wanted MN input/advice or she would not have posted here. If she has more important things to do than come back to post then that's her decision but I hope she would be comforted by offers of help whether or not there is any intention of taking posters up on them.

People want to post messages of support. Why try to discourage them? If MNHQ want to address offers of help then that can be dealt with in its own time and own pace.

Let's not see possessiveness about who offers verbal and other support. Helping only derails when some people get snippy about it.

Sending continued message of love and support to the OP. My offer to you is genuine and without condition.

[Atreegrowsinbrooklyn]

Have already been in contact with them. PM's operate all the time too. Don't worry. OP will get whatever help she consents to and deems appropriate from Mners.

[HelenMumsnet]

@Maryz

Atree, if you offer money on thread, mumsnet will delete the thread. Which I'm sure none of us want.

Hello all. Just to clarify: we don't delete threads just because people are offering money. Although we may delete a thread that appears to have been started purely to get people to offer money. Which is clearly not the case here.

We do routinely caution people, though, never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.

This is no reflection on the OP, who's a longstanding and much-loved MNer, but general advice to anyone who uses Mumsnet.

With a special very un-MNHQ-y (((hug))) to wannabestressfree. We hope things start to turn a corner for you very soon.

[Bigpants1]

Hi. Have lurked on this post, and could have written some of it myself.
We are about to start another journey with our ds in a Unit down south, though we are in Scotland.
I want to weep with frustration at how the system is treating your ds,you and your family. Can profess. ever understand what it is like to see one of your dc so emotionally distressed and then further damaged by the system that is supposed to help & protect them?
Am so so sad to hear the news re ds and hope he recovers soon.You must be heartbroken. I wish I could reach out & hug you. Why are you not allowed to visit? I can't believe you cannot see your son when he needs you most.
If you can muster the strength, contact the Mental Welfare Commission & find out if you can be legally prevented from seeing ds. I have spoken to them on the phone before and they are very approachable.
When things have calmed a little, I would write to the M W Commission, and ask them to review your ds case, as there as been significant failings in is care.
The tiredness I can totally empathise with. It becomes so, so draining,& you become emotionally exhausted.
Be kind to yourself & take up offers of help in RL and on here. Sleep as much as you can.
I know now is not the right time, but when you can,think really seriously about taking some time off work- not just a few weeks, but a few months. You cannot juggle everything, and you are in a profession that makes many demands on you, that would be better channeled elsewhere whilst your ds is so unwell.
Please take care,& know that many people on this board care deeply for you and ds and are here for you for as long as you need. xx

[izzyizin]

Many thanks for your timely clarification, Helen.

I became extremely worried that our joint effort to offer pratical support to wannabe would vanish in a virtual puff of smoke, and I'm immensely relieved that we can carry on putting our heads together to find the best of way of aiding her asap.

I have no doubt that wannabestressfree will want you to have a un-mumsnetty ((hug)) yourself for your kind message and here's hoping that she will soon become stress free.

[TheProvincialLady]

Another supportive lurker here. I can't believe what you and your son are going though and how badly you are being let down. You have been in my thoughts since you posted the OP. I have nothing useful to add but I am glad you are getting some good advice from others.

[CinnabarRed]

I didn't want to say this on thread, but I think it's important just for now to reassure you that Bindmans' initial fee has been paid . There's no reason why the legal team can't crack on with whatever they need to do first thing Monday morning.

I am in no way speaking for Wannabe, who obviously has far more important things on her mind. Hopefully when things calm down a little we can all work together to support Wannabe and all three boys in whatever ways she finds most useful.

CRx