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Original poster

I have a dilemma

103 replies

fluffystabby · 26/09/2011 19:52

I have a dilemma and I think it might help to write it down.

I have a toy boy/fuck buddy/friend with benefits. We see each other when my kids are with their dad and he's free - can be every other weekend, might see him in between times.

He's very caring, thoughtful, the sex is great.

I would not describe it as a relationship - I would just say we are friends with benefits maybe? We text every day, if something happens he's the first person I think to tell and he's the same with me.

So here's the dilemma. I'm happy with the fuck buddy/friends with benefits thing we have going on. Someone else has made it clear he's interested and I couldn't make myself go there because of FB/FWB person, so he's obviously a bit more than a FWB? He's the same - not seeing anyone else, not looking as far as I know.

But I have a major hang up about the 6 year age gap.

And how do I move it on from being FWB to more and do I even want more?

Confused
OP posts:
passionsrunhigh · 26/09/2011 22:21

If him wanting children is the main issue (as it sounds), then talk to him about it again, in the light of him wanting to go further.
Otherwise, he's obviously really into you and not a commitment phobe.
But ask him to be honest - he might be hoping for a kid with you (you still just could - did you tell him that you definetely not going to have more?)

Original poster
fluffystabby · 26/09/2011 22:29

He says he doesn't want kids and he knows I don't want any more kids. It's me who thinks he can't really mean that

OP posts:
Saggyoldclothcatpuss · 26/09/2011 22:31

Like I said..Stop thinking! He doesnt want kids now and neither do you. You cant worry about the future, it might never happen!

passionsrunhigh · 26/09/2011 22:40

He could mean it, but yes, tere is a slight risk he'll change he's mind at 40+. But to have kids he'd have to meet someone he feels strongly about, and what are the chances of that if he obv has feelings for you? he's not a love machine ha. Saying that, there is a risk in every relationship, and if it goes wrong you will stop wanting him anyway shrug. See what he says when you meet, but you can't stop a powerful force in motion!Wink

solidgoldbrass · 26/09/2011 22:45

Do bear in mind that there are no guarantees, no matter what. ONe of you might get bored with the other, or meet someone you prefer, at some point. One of you might turn out to be a knobboid, or develop a drug or alcohol problem. One or both of you might get killed by a frozen block of piss falling from an aeroplane toilet.
Or you might have a lovely few years together. Even a decade or more.

passionsrunhigh · 26/09/2011 22:46

men can be sneaky though, hoping that they'll influence a woman regarding kids, even if she's not planning. If you are adamant you have to emphasize it. But as you have children, who knows, maybe he'll be happy to be a step-Dad? Also observe how he is around other children - if pretty indifferent, then probably means what he says.

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy · 26/09/2011 22:46

Guess what? People can say what they mean - I do it all the time, and I'm not at all unusual.

It doesn't sound as if your fwb arrangement has been in existence for very long, but already you're trying to foresee the future and force the pace - why on earth would you want to do that when what you've got is enjoyable and you're having fun?

Are you fearful of rejection? Scared of being alone again if you get dumped? Instead of worrying about what he may be feeling, work on your own feelings - and work on them when you're alone instead of using him to fill any gaps that may have been caused by past experiences.

Your current fwb may be in your life for weeks, months, or years, or he (or you) may decide to terminate the arrangement tomorrow. Take it as it comes, deal with as it happens, and in the meantime enjoy yourself and, more particularly, enjoy his attentions.

There'll be plenty of time for deep and meaningful conversations - take your cue from him and don't rush headlong into thinking that, whenever you believe that you are overwhelmingly 'in love' with a man, it's encumbent on you to get him to make a commitment he may not be ready for. IME that is a surefire route to becoming a dumpee.

When you see him again tell him that your text 'we need to talk' referred to what restaurant/pub or other entertainment you are going to try next. If you want him to get serious, keep it amusing and lighthearted.

passionsrunhigh · 26/09/2011 22:48

'frozen block of piss from plane' - :o

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy · 26/09/2011 22:49

'One or both of you might get killed by a frozen block of piss falling from an aeroplane toilet' An increasing hazard as I understand it - especially for those who live under a flight path sgb Grin

Original poster
fluffystabby · 26/09/2011 22:51

Grin @ frozen block of piss

OP posts:
passionsrunhigh · 26/09/2011 22:54

I think OP is already taking his lead - she did say that he wanted to see her much more (for a while), it's her who's dragging her heels! which is good news, she can safely have a 'talk' with him!

passionsrunhigh · 26/09/2011 23:03

'If you want him to get serious, keep it amusing and lighthearted.'

I think it's exactly what already happenedWink

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy · 26/09/2011 23:06

If it's working there's absolutely no need to fix it, is there? And any question of a 'dilemma' goes out the window.

Bogeyface · 26/09/2011 23:13

I hate to tell you this but going out to the cinema/dinner/events together and having curl your toes sex AND being super mates means that you are having a relationship! Your main problem seems to be accepting that!

In fact, reading that back, you have a better relationship than me and a helluvalot of women on here are having with our husbands!

maddy68 · 27/09/2011 10:32

well my FB is 25 I am 43!!!
It doesnt bother him, tnf it does bother me if Im honest but he is really proud of me, whenever we are with his friends he is always tactile and attentive so he cant be embarrassed at all .

TheOriginalFAB · 27/09/2011 11:08

Nothing ventured, nothing gained.

That's all Grin.

Kewcumber · 27/09/2011 11:13

41 and 36 Shock - blimey thought you were going to say you were 18 and he was 13 which is just about the only age where five years would be significant.

Why would having a relationship be any differnt to what you have now and why is having a relationship "a commitment"? Confused

Kewcumber · 27/09/2011 11:13

I'm 46 - I'll take him if you don't want him...

kaluki · 27/09/2011 11:31

I agree with Izzy and love her use of the word "paramour".
Just go with the flow - it sounds like it is already developing into a relationship.
Enjoy the 'honeymoon' period when he is sending you lovely sexy texts and calling you his sexy lady, don't hurry it along too fast or you'll be washing his socks and picking his dirty pants up off the floor before you know it !!

FabbyChic · 27/09/2011 19:31

OMG six years? I married someone who was five years younger than me, my current BF is five years younger, I had a BF for six months who was ten years younger.

Six years you light weight! That's not a toy boy! Ten years dif is a toy boy.

Get on with it you know you want to. x

FabbyChic · 27/09/2011 19:33

I was 40 and had a boyfriend of 30 for six months the only reason it ended was because he was shit in the sack.

Literally roll on roll off and nothing in between, he had a bad back! A bad back I tell thee at 30!

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy · 27/09/2011 19:46

Were you the one doing the rolling on & rolling off to spare his bad back Fabby? Grin Jeez, six months? Six nights days of that would have been more than enough for me, and I'm not adverse to acting the role of nurse.

One of my current paramours is 15 years younger than me - but before I get flamed, I should make it clear that he is over 21 and engages of his own free will.

Original poster
fluffystabby · 27/09/2011 20:34

Well my toyboy definitely does not have a bad back so NER Wink

Seriously though, the thing is it's shaken me a bit - if you'd asked me I would not have said I was in a relationship I would have said I had a toy boy fuck buddy.

But then I couldn't go there with the other guy, because I was "with" toy boy.

I'm scared to call it a relationship in case it changes

OP posts:
izzywhizzyletsgetbusy · 27/09/2011 20:39

So don't call it a relationship; simply continue your exclusive enjoyable liaison with your toy boy fuck buddy and let nature take its course.

TheOriginalFAB · 27/09/2011 20:41

I kind of get that. When me and X were going out together it was a nightmare but when we just said we were going together it was all fine......

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