I have a dilemma

[fluffystabby]

I have a dilemma and I think it might help to write it down.

I have a toy boy/fuck buddy/friend with benefits. We see each other when my kids are with their dad and he's free - can be every other weekend, might see him in between times.

He's very caring, thoughtful, the sex is great.

I would not describe it as a relationship - I would just say we are friends with benefits maybe? We text every day, if something happens he's the first person I think to tell and he's the same with me.

So here's the dilemma. I'm happy with the fuck buddy/friends with benefits thing we have going on. Someone else has made it clear he's interested and I couldn't make myself go there because of FB/FWB person, so he's obviously a bit more than a FWB? He's the same - not seeing anyone else, not looking as far as I know.

But I have a major hang up about the 6 year age gap.

And how do I move it on from being FWB to more and do I even want more?

Oh fuck Hassled that's scary shit

The age gap is absolutely irrelevant, you won't lose him as a friend.

What if you don't do anything, he thinks your not interested because you haven't communicated your feelings and he shacks up with someone else

And then you really do lose him as a friend?

Age gaps get even more irrelevant the older you get, in this case it's not even an issue

I texted him and said "Am knackered and not sexy and when did I become your sexy lady anyway? ;p "

Hope it works out for you both

I promise I'll keep you all posted

Am nervous. How strange.

Oh ffs with those ages the age gap doesn't count!

What do you see as a proper relationship (that you ar scared)? living together? as you do everything else apart from that, it would appear. Or are you not quite as close as 'sharing intimate thoughts'?
It sounds like you want more, or you'd happily continue as it is. Yes, sometimes men treat you best when you keep a slight distance, sadly - but you'll never find out whether he'll change or not, unless you try. I can see why you aer scared - as he COULD get complacent when it goes further, whereas now it's quite perfect, romantic almost. It's always a risk, but everyone's in the same boat. As to kids, if he's not bothered at 36, it's probably going to stay that way.
Has HE tried to see you more often? it would be best if he suggested more, just because you are doubtful and sensitive to rejection.

should read 'are scared of' in first line

He would see me much more - it's me that's holding back.

We share everything there's very little that we don't share, there's nothing we don't know about each other.

He's just texted to say "of course you're my sexy lady there's no one else for me"

FUUUUUUCCCCKKKKKKKKKKK

Erm, some people seem to have a very wierd idea of what FWBs are. You don't have to despise the other person or never, ever speak to them outside of a sexual situation. Usually, I suppose, the main difference between FWB and partner is that monogamy is not assumed or expected (though plenty of couples live happily without monogamy).

OP, what is it you would like to change about the current situation with the man you are having regular enjoyable sex and social time with? Never mind what you think other people's expectations are: they are irrelevant. Is there something you want to change? Or do you think there is something he would like to change? If not, stop fretting and enjoy what sounds to be an enjoyable situation.

You're not teenagers so you can comfortably forget about the 5 year age gap. At 41 and 36 it's meaningless unless you're particularly anxious to breed again. Hopefully he has retained a certain youthful charm which, in turn, puts a spring in your step?

There's nothing in the fuck buddy manifesto that says you have to sign up to serial monogamy, but it seems that the time you spend with your current paramour leaves little room for others.

If you're not comfortable with the notion of having more than one man to call on in times of sexual need, and if you want your arrangement with your current paramour to continue as it is, simply ditch the prospective applicant or convert him into purely a buddy without benefits - you don't fancy him anyway so there's no dilemma or loss there.

Personally, as I wouldn't want to risk rocking the boat of what sounds like a blissful fwb arrangement by putting any pressure on my favoured paramour, I'd opt for letting what will be (or not be) evolve naturally.

The time to up the ante would be if he hasn't made a declaration of undying love within a year or so - if that happens to be what you want from him. However, from what you've said, I wouldn't be surprised if you have something extra to celebrate in the forthcoming festive season.

I've got a few fwbs and, frankly, much as I love them dearly, I'd run a mile if any of them wanted to move our relationship into the realms of mutual exclusivity.

I suppose I'm just scared of it going tits up.

I think he would like to change it and I would too but I'm scared of commitment.

I said "we should talk properly the next time you're here"

The FWB sounds like a really good thing. The age gap is nothing and irrelevant at your ages.

The thing that is relevant, however, is the fact that you have children and the FWB doesn't. This is the only thing that I would want to consider further before continuing FWB/"proper" relationship. Do you think that he is certain that he doesn't want children?

" I suppose I'm just scared of it going tits up".

Fluffy, darling....feel the fear and do it anyway. It sounds as though you already have a relationship, and a good one.

I'm not used to be treated the way he treats me He's obviously treating you the way you should be treated - it's your right to be cherished so get used to it!

If he's got to 36 without have been in a long-term committed relationship, he may have simply not met the right woman for him or he may be a commitment-phobe - in which case you will be risking what you've currently got if you introduce any element of pressure at this early stage.

This is a time for you to live in the moment - enjoy it, and let the future take care of itself.

Ahhh :)
Go with the flow but let him know you're more than happy to see him as a bit more ..
Don't give it all away just yet though... a bit of a chase is good in the beginning

he's your maaaaaaan

To try to answer all the questions.

We have a mutually exclusive thing going on - we do spend time together out of bed, I think he thinks he doesn't want kids but I know I would massively regret if I didn't have my children and I suppose I am transferring my feelings on to him a bit WRT that?

He's not a commitment phobe - he was engaged but it didn't work out (years before me and he got together)

What's likely to change is that he and me would be spending more time together, and that would mean I would have to make changes in my life to enable that.

rambling again

doesn't sound like a train smash.

i don't understand why you haven't gone for it. what's holding you back?

Sounds like you both like each other and are actually together. Aaaaaaaaw....

Im 38 & my Dp is 32. Were about to buy a house together! My sister is almost 40 & her Dh just had his 30th birthday! They just celebrated their 6th wedding anniversary! Go for it! Nothing ventured nothing gained!

When you are 83, and he is 77, six years wont make a blind bit of difference!
The question is, do you want to be 83 and alone, or have a nice handsome 77 year old to keep you warm in your twilight years!
IMO, your only problem is the one in your head. Stop thinking! The more you think, the more problems appear!
Without trying to sound like a hopeless romantic, go with your heart, not your head!

So you want a relationship with someone you are fucking. Well it's a novel order but no more complicated than that. And if you break up, so you find another fuck buddy. Stop being scared and make the leap.