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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

playing house, but will he marry me?

90 replies

iwanttohelp · 24/09/2011 19:24

Met DP 3 years ago, lived together for 2. He has two children from his previous marriage (15 years) and I have a dd myself.

He had just finished an awful divorce when we met, but things went along nicely.

We now live together, I'm step mum (as such) to his kids and its gone pretty ok.

We've always talked about marriage, and we've both always been keen, likewise another child between us.

Lately I feel like I've shot myself in the foot. DP happy to try for a baby, but seems weird over marriage.

Now when it comes up I get "well I want enough money to do it properly, get you a nice ring and have a nice wedding, so I can't do that yet". I was expecting to be engaged by now tbh, and we're not.

We had a row over it today, where I snapped and said you. Can't ask someone to look after your kids, look after the house and be a "wife" yet not actually marry them! I told him that there isn't an infinite amount of time I will wait.

He is apparently disappointed that I'm being like that, says he mustnt be pressured, and if I'm going to issue ultimatums I will wait forever. It feels a bit like put up or fuck off at the moment.

I feel he has no need to marry me, after all, he has the wife now, without the risk of a divorce again. I want to get married.

I don't know if I'm being too pushy, or if he is just taking the piss. I know he loves me, but is this on his terms?

His divorce ( which was not to do with me) crippled him financially, so maybe the money aspect is true, but I don't like the whole I'll do it if I want to aspect of the discussion. We have a home, a life, step children and he wants another ffs! So why NOT marry me?
Sorry if reads odd, trying to do this on my phone.

OP posts:
Original poster
iwanttohelp · 24/09/2011 22:12

Thing is he hasn't said he doesn't want to get married. He says he loves me but doesn't want to be forced into it by me.

He said today he will do it in his own time in his own way. That said, he didn't take me talking about a timescale too well either!

I wish I'd never mentioned it to him today tbh, I knew it'd end up like this with me feeling crap.

I do agree that the labour division does need addressing. I'm entirely to blame for letting that get to the point its at, I should have sorted it much sooner.

OP posts:
babyhammock · 24/09/2011 22:13

lol SCOTT... yes quite. I worded that very wrong Grin..

babyhammock · 24/09/2011 22:17

Hmmm If he genuinely meant that, wouldn't he say something along the lines of 'Don't worry, it's all in hand and whatever happens we'll be engaged by xxxx'
The way he said it though sounds controlling as well as being a cop out.. sorry

SheCutOffTheirTails · 24/09/2011 22:26

"He says he loves me but doesn't want to be forced into it by me."

Confused Confused Confused

Forced? In what way are you "forcing" him?

If he asked you to marry him, would you feel forced?

Or pleased?

Because if someone you love and intend to marry brings it up, you don't feed "forced", you feel pleased.

"I do agree that the labour division does need addressing. I'm entirely to blame for letting that get to the point its at, I should have sorted it much sooner."

No. No, you are not entirely to blame for that.

Decent men who respect themselves and their partners, do not allow a situation to develop where they are being waited on hand and foot and not contributing to running the household.

Nobody forced him to take advantage of you.

1catherine1 · 24/09/2011 22:35

iwanttohelp - I understand why you feel the need to be married - as ridiculous as it may seem to others. I can also understand if you are confused and hurt as to why he is reluctant to make this commitment to you when he has done it before.

Perhaps what he is saying is true. That he wants to give you what you deserve. You really do need to sit down and have a chat with him. You really need to know if he does want to marry you or not and why he is putting it off. If it is finances then talk about how much it will cost and what sort of Do you are expecting. Would this be your first marriage or have you been married before too? Do you want a big wedding? What is important for you in a wedding? I agree that you shouldn't ttc if he isn't willing to make a commitment to you.

1catherine1 · 24/09/2011 22:43

ok.... that is what I get for watching TV and typing... I take an hour to write a post and miss the bit where you say you HAVE talked to him. Sorry...

You really are left in a crappy position now. I don't think he is being very fair with you at all. If he wants to marry you then surely he should know. I'm mad at him on your behalf. How dare he play with your emotions this way. I'm sure if I were you I wouldn't feel very secure in my relationship right now.

Have you made it clear that you are not willing to ttc if you are not married? If that is the case ofc.

Original poster
iwanttohelp · 24/09/2011 22:50

We had originally discussed wedding then a baby, but finances were such that if we got married then ttc I would be 40 ish. I already have a child with medical problems and I'm scared to try too late in case it happens again.

He wanted a baby after marriage, but ultimately knew I wanted a child and wanted me to be happy. We already have all the stuff from my dd.

I had hoped that along with ttc (which we aren't yet) that the engagement part would move along with it. It hasn't, which pushes me to be a nag, which pushes him to dig his heels in, which pushes me to nag...

He isn't all badness. I think he wants me to be happy, but this os my first wedding and I think he (and me) would like it to be nice so I have a good day to remember.

Its very difficult. There are a lot of things involved in this, and several children as well

OP posts:
Iggi999 · 24/09/2011 22:51

When my dh wanted us to get married, I felt trapped and wouldn't do. Fast forward a few years, and I proposed to him. I'm not saying you should wait years, I'm just saying pressure can make someone (who loves you) not want to do it.

Iggi999 · 24/09/2011 22:53

I organised a wedding in a few months and it didn't cost too much. It was still really special and not "low-key" at all. It can be done.

SheCutOffTheirTails · 24/09/2011 23:00

Bollocks, asking someone who has said they want to marry you when you are getting married isn't "pressure".

1catherine1 · 24/09/2011 23:01

I might be unpopular for saying this but... given your age, you are right to be a little pushy with the issue. And pointing this out to him isn't at all unreasonable. If you put it off then you might end up finding that you put it off too long. But then - he knows you haven't been married before so he won't expect you to settle for a registry office and a house party which might be more acceptable the second time around. (IMO anyway- feel free to disagree). You have to tell him what you will be happy with. If you can get him to talk to you about this Confused

buzzskillington · 24/09/2011 23:05

Tbh I'd just go for something small & intimate wedding-wise.

If you're waiting for the finances to be there for something bigger, you could be waiting a long time. Seems silly to put obstacles in the way if marriage is what you want.

MysteriousHamster · 24/09/2011 23:10

Nothing wrong with wanted to get married, especially as it was seemingly agreed before you moved in.

Saying you would be forcing him is completely unfair. If you proposed, what would he do then? Would that be forcing him too? Why is it that it's fine when he wants to get married, but pushy when you mention it? Obviously both people in a relationship should want to get married for it to happen, but you should be allowed to discuss it.

The fact that he won't, means one of two things to me:

  1. he doesn't want to get married
  2. he does want to do it right/hates being pushed on anything.

My brother is a bit like this. His girlfriend gave their daughter his surname on the condition they'd get married one day so they'd all have the same name. That was five years ago. Thing is, I know he actually does want to do it, but hates being nagged and hates feeling broke. Only you know if your partner is like this, or using that as an excuse for not really wanting to do it.

I don't think either option is fair, by the way. In an equal relationship you should be able to discuss how you are going forward without it all being on one person's terms.

If you want to have a baby, unfortunately time is on your side. He doesn't really lose out by waiting around until that mystical day where he has loads of money - you do. Perhaps he needs to realise that.

MysteriousHamster · 24/09/2011 23:11

You can have a perfectly nice wedding in a registry office followed by a meal in a restaurant afterwards. That's what I'd do if I had to do it again.

SingOut · 24/09/2011 23:38

I agree with SheCutOff. Your posts relating what he has said/not said also really remind me of this blog post. What is he really saying behind his excuses? When you push him for "when"s he gets annoyed, he gets annoyed at you saying you won't wait forever. My guess is, that's just what he was hoping you'd do. Because he sure doesn't have any real intention of marrying you anytime soon.

bunchofbananas · 24/09/2011 23:40

I haven't read this thread but just wanted to say I've been here (minus the child on my side) and want to sympathise OP.

If he is digging his heels in then I would seriously consider getting out now especially if you want another child. My XP did exactly the same thing. Made the right sort of sounds about getting married/having more children. The reality was that every time we came to discuss it, I got told it wasn't a good time and to wait until your Birthday, wait until Christmas, etc, etc. Both subjects just became taboo in the end. I was younger and a bit more naive then. If it were now you wouldn't see me for dust!

Sad thing is, I wasted too much time on him. I am 40 now and have been ttc for two years without success. Don't make the same mistake as me.

x

jasper · 24/09/2011 23:45

I suspect He does not want to get married because he never, ever wants to get divorced again.

I agree with him completely and think the same way

SheCutOffTheirTails · 24/09/2011 23:48

There is no way that could be true, though, jasper because he has set up a home with the OP and her child on the basis that they WOULD get married.

Surely you aren't saying that he is lying about his intention to get married just so he can get a live in housekeeper who shags him?

FabbyChic · 24/09/2011 23:50

He might not wish to remarry, and I cannot understand the reason that you want to be married, what difference will it make other than a piece of paper and a ring?

confidence · 24/09/2011 23:54

I don't get it.

If you feel bitter about the balance of labour in the household, how will getting married change that? I don't know and you haven't explained the total situation re how much each of you work, how much income you bring in, where it goes, who does what in the house etc. But if your overall appraisal of it is that it's unfair and he's taking you for granted, then surely you'll still feel that way when you're married. And surely he'll have more of a licence to take you for granted as it will be harder for you to leave?

Also, if you have your own house and your own income, how will getting married provide security for yourself and your DD? Your joint assets will be shared among all of you, including his TWO DCs, so how will you personally be any richer if you split up?

Personally I've never really understood what the importance is that people attach to marriage, but it seems like you have some vague emotional idea of what it will provide that isn't much based on reality. Think about it: both you and your partner have come out of failed marriages. Look around you and see how many married couples are utterly miserable together. Then consider that you have a good life, house, good relationship, nice kids and step-kid...

Is marriage a solution in search of a problem, or what?

jasper · 24/09/2011 23:57

shecut, I read it as him being a bit vague about getting married, and not actively disagreeing when OP suggested it .

I thought, when I got together with my long term partner ( with whom I have kids) that yes, we would probably get married. ( I was divorced)
But over time when the actual prospect was considered up close I realised that the only way to avoid divorce was never to get married and I now hold this view quite strongly.

I never lied about my intentions to get a housekeeper who shags me

jasper · 24/09/2011 23:58

it seems it's the balance of who does the domestic drudgery that's the real issue.

jasper · 24/09/2011 23:59

ah , right, confidence said it better

SheCutOffTheirTails · 25/09/2011 00:06

No, the real issue is that this woman wants to get married and the man who led her to believe that they were going to get married is now trying to browbeat her into falling into line with his imaginary timetable.

"Then consider that you have a good life, house, good relationship, nice kids and step-kid..."

Except, she's unhappy, she feels taken for granted, she's looking after his children and all the housework, and he's using her a skivvy.

So really, she should consider that she doesn't have a good life and that just because some other people don't want to get married, that doesn't mean you should settle for less than you want and you were promised.

TheBride · 25/09/2011 00:11

It is NOT just a piece of paper.

Cohabiting partners are not recognised in law. The whole "common law" thing is a myth. Marriage gives you legal rights that cohabitation doesn't.

If the OP is considering having a child and becoming a SAHM or PT worker (to the extent that she is being financially supported by her partner) it 100% makes sense to get married.

Btw- prenups are binding in Scotland, but not in England and Wales, where they are only considered as a statement of intent.