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Relationships

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Original poster

playing house, but will he marry me?

90 replies

iwanttohelp · 24/09/2011 19:24

Met DP 3 years ago, lived together for 2. He has two children from his previous marriage (15 years) and I have a dd myself.

He had just finished an awful divorce when we met, but things went along nicely.

We now live together, I'm step mum (as such) to his kids and its gone pretty ok.

We've always talked about marriage, and we've both always been keen, likewise another child between us.

Lately I feel like I've shot myself in the foot. DP happy to try for a baby, but seems weird over marriage.

Now when it comes up I get "well I want enough money to do it properly, get you a nice ring and have a nice wedding, so I can't do that yet". I was expecting to be engaged by now tbh, and we're not.

We had a row over it today, where I snapped and said you. Can't ask someone to look after your kids, look after the house and be a "wife" yet not actually marry them! I told him that there isn't an infinite amount of time I will wait.

He is apparently disappointed that I'm being like that, says he mustnt be pressured, and if I'm going to issue ultimatums I will wait forever. It feels a bit like put up or fuck off at the moment.

I feel he has no need to marry me, after all, he has the wife now, without the risk of a divorce again. I want to get married.

I don't know if I'm being too pushy, or if he is just taking the piss. I know he loves me, but is this on his terms?

His divorce ( which was not to do with me) crippled him financially, so maybe the money aspect is true, but I don't like the whole I'll do it if I want to aspect of the discussion. We have a home, a life, step children and he wants another ffs! So why NOT marry me?
Sorry if reads odd, trying to do this on my phone.

OP posts:

RabbitPie · 24/09/2011 21:28

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perplexedpirate · 24/09/2011 21:29

I'm confused. Did you actually ask him to marry you and he said no, or is it about him proposing?
Are you a SAHM to his DCs or do you work OOTH?
Apols if you've already answered, I admit I skimmed the thread a bit.

SheCutOffTheirTails · 24/09/2011 21:30

And as for all this bollocks about not pressurising a man into marrying you and it being freely given - a man who truly loves you as an equal will be happy to marry you, even if it's your idea.

buzzskillington · 24/09/2011 21:33

I wouldn't have a baby with this guy if marriage is what you want.

You say he's worried about giving you a big wedding etc - do you care about those things, or would you be happy with basic registry office & just getting married?

passthechocolates · 24/09/2011 21:35

I would want a man to marry me because he truly wanted too, not just to keep me happy. Otherwise there is a risk he will resent you for it...

SheCutOffTheirTails · 24/09/2011 21:37

I would not want to live with a man who didn't truly want to marry me but was happy for me to do all the housework in his house and look after his children.

You have nothing to lose by standing firm here - either you find out that you were being used, or he realises he's going to lose something that matters to him and he'll happily marry you.

Original poster

iwanttohelp · 24/09/2011 21:38

Thanks for the replies. I don't know the answer.

I do the housework etc because I have a young dd myself, so going on strike isn't that simple. I always ran the house when I was with my ex, and when I was a single mum, so I kind of fell into it here.

I do regret that I did it though,and I do think I should have done less and made it less easy for everyone.

He's not a bad guy. I wouldn't be here if he was. He is stubborn and I'm like a dog with a bone, which isn't a good match to try to discuss these things.

I'd like to get married for myself, but also for security for me and any future children.

Sorry replies so short, can hardly see all this on phone screen!

OP posts:

emsyj · 24/09/2011 21:40

Move out. Otherwise you will waste the next 10 years waiting for him to feel the time is right. It never will be. And six months after you leave him, he will be married (yes married) to someone else. This happens all the time.

And FGS don't have a baby with him.

ShoutyHamster · 24/09/2011 21:41

He's got what he wants, it seems.

You haven't.

So withdraw from providing the bits that make him happy until he provides the bits necessary to make you happy. As agreed.

You don't need to get emotional about it, even. Simply say that this isn't working for you, and being told that you need to be a good girl and keep your head down and you might get the prize is DEFINITELY not working for you (prick).

Tell him you will be giving your tenants notice and making plans to move back to your own home. Because until he marries you, you ain't no wife. And until he shows you some real respect, you maybe ain't even in a relationship worth having.

SheCutOffTheirTails · 24/09/2011 21:43

But who did his housework when he was a single father?

Why didn't he just fall into keeping on doing it, particularly in his own home?

Why would a grown woman not acting like a skivvy for her boyfriend and his children be "going on strike"?

Also, why the regret?

Can't you just talk to him about how ridiculous it is that you do all the housework? And insist that he do his own share?

Or is this the kind of thing he gets "stubborn" about?

ShoutyHamster · 24/09/2011 21:44

Oh and do all this NOW. You want another baby, you want to move things on with your life. If he's stubborn, there's no point in arguing about it. You just calmly say that it isn't about who wins, it's about what is required from him to allow this relationship to continue. And then DO IT. Move out. I know it sounds drastic, but if you don't - you'll wake up in ten years time in a situation and with a life that you didn't want to be in.

What he's doing isn't so much making you angry, as making you unhappy with your life. Explain that to him, and simply say you can't accept this status quo.

WhereYouLeftIt · 24/09/2011 21:45

Sadly, I would have to suggest that you absolutely do NOT try to conceive until this is resolved, one way or the other. Your gut instinct is waving madly at you - "What I mean is the whole "why buy the cow" thing."

In practical terms, how much upheaval would it be to move back to your house? Is it financially viable? How soon could it be accomplished? It might be worth planning your exit route. I tend to find if I have a Plan B I can fall back on, I feel less pressured to fall back on it IYSWIM.

Original poster

iwanttohelp · 24/09/2011 21:46

I'm not a SAHM, I work part time.

I haven't asked him. He's always led me to believe we will get married. I've not pushed him, until recently when the question of "when" has raised its head for me.

I know he's quite happy as it is. I don't know whether to lay off, issue ultimatums, leave or what?

My dd doesn't see her dad. He is her father to her, so its not a case of throwing my dummy and just leaving. He is the only dad dd knows, so I have to think logically rather than emotionally.

But he has always led me to believe we would marry.

OP posts:

Original poster

iwanttohelp · 24/09/2011 21:46

I'm not a SAHM, I work part time.

I haven't asked him. He's always led me to believe we will get married. I've not pushed him, until recently when the question of "when" has raised its head for me.

I know he's quite happy as it is. I don't know whether to lay off, issue ultimatums, leave or what?

My dd doesn't see her dad. He is her father to her, so its not a case of throwing my dummy and just leaving. He is the only dad dd knows, so I have to think logically rather than emotionally.

But he has always led me to believe we would marry.

OP posts:

cecilyparsley · 24/09/2011 21:50

iwanttohelp sounds like you're bringing more to the table than he is, and thats leaving you with a sense that things arent fair.

SheCutOffTheirTails · 24/09/2011 21:52

Having the dignity to leave a relationship when it is not giving you what you need is not "throwing the dummy" and nor is it unfair to your child.

You have been misled and used and are now being treated very disrespectfully.

Your options are
1 leave forever because he is a prick to have done this in the first place
2 stand up for yourself and make the point now that this relationship will not be entirely on his terms
3 pretend that you are happy enough with how things are, wait around washing his knickers and hoping for a proposal that never comes

I'd be going with 1. I suggest you go with 2. Please, don't sell yourself short and opt for 3.

Triphid · 24/09/2011 21:58

iwanttohelp - I'm on exactly the same page as you (bar having kids). For me, this is the 3rd long-term serious relationship I've had, and none of them have wanted / want to commit. Makes me do some serious self-reflection but I still have no answers. You have my full sympathies. I'll be watching this thread with interest. I thought No.3 was the right one for me. Looks like he doesn't feel the same.

RabbitPie · 24/09/2011 22:01

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perplexedpirate · 24/09/2011 22:03

I think people are being a leeettle bit harsh saying he's being a dick, when really there could be any number of reasons why he's "stalling".
At the risk of sounding like a romcom, I had a big conversation with now DH saying many of the things you've said and the very next day (scouts honour) he proposed in the garden of our holiday cottage with all my friends there, candles all over etc etc.
( I'm making myself sick.)They'd been planning it in secret while I'd been whinging on about being too old to be a bride etc. So maybe don't discount the fact that his cogs are turning at their own pace.
HOWEVER marriage or not you need to sort out the division of labour in your household as at the moment you sound stressed and put-upon, and who would blame you. Would it kill him to take some of the strain?
Hope you sort it out.

LeBOF · 24/09/2011 22:05

If you feel this put-upon and upset, I'd move out for a while and ask him to think about things. It's risky, but I think that if he is serious about marriage, he will come back to you. It's not an ultimatum for him, but an acknowledgement to yourself that you won't settle for less than what you thought you were promised.

OriginalPoster · 24/09/2011 22:05

I would not want to marry someone who didn't want to marry me. It's as simple as that. Marriage is hard enough even when you're both completely committed to it.

cecilyparsley · 24/09/2011 22:06

perhaps the solution is to move out so that you live separately...you still have a relationship, see each other a few nights a week say..but he has to do his own domestic work.

If you did that would your life get easier and his life harder?
Or would life also be harder for you?

babyhammock · 24/09/2011 22:07

STOP doing his washing, cooking for him, and doing any him related cleaning etc. You are not his wife so stop acting like one. Just look after you and DD for a while and see what happens.

Come on its got to be worth a try?
Oh and in the meantime stop TTC, you need to get this sorted first

SheCutOffTheirTails · 24/09/2011 22:08

I would not want to live with someone who didn't want to marry me.

Sharing a home is hard enough even when you are both permanently and publicly committed to the family you have created.

SheCutOffTheirTails · 24/09/2011 22:10

"You are not his wife so stop acting like one."

I'm a wife, but I'm nobody's skivvy.

Even if you get married, he needs to be disabused of the notion that you are there to clean up after him.

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