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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I can't see a way out of this. Am I missing something obvious?

51 replies

drasticpark · 24/09/2011 14:58

Background: XP left over a year ago after I discovered his 2.5 year affair with a family friend. He now rents a flat. I am paying the mortgage and all bills on our joint property. XP owes me a large sum of cash. He refuses to discuss ANYTHING related to finances. I want to have the house transferred to my sole name which would wipe out his debt to me. I have been advised by a solicitor that if XP continues to bury his head in the sand then it will go to court which will incur high costs. If he wins, I lose the house and the roof over my head and if I win he will go bankrupt.

Reading the above sounds like someone else's life. I feel completely detached from reality, like it's happening to someone else. I have never come to terms with the way he betrayed his family and walked away from us so easily.

Today, I told him I've had enough and I'm going away so he can have ds for a couple of weeks. He says he will simply move back into the house. I'm not really going away. I just want to go to bed and not ever get up. Where can I go in my head to get some peace? Shall I let the solicitor do her worst knowing that I could end up homeless? Why does he hate me so much? Why won't he let me go? This sounds so pathetic but I'm completely worn down by it all.

OP posts:
Thumbwitch · 24/09/2011 15:00

why would he win? what is there in his favour that could possibly mean you would lose the house when you have been paying for it all this time and his only contribution is to owe you money?

Original poster
drasticpark · 24/09/2011 15:05

The house is in joint names so legally he is entitled to 50%. Solicitor says we would have to prove that my deposit, lump sum I paid off and money he borrowed should be taken into the equation. She thinks I would win but cannot guarantee it. Even if I did win, he would then be bankrupt which is of no benefit to anyone especially ds.

OP posts:
BrikSchittHaus · 24/09/2011 15:13

Have you considered

a) selling up and splitting the proceeds just to get rid? Or proportion the split of proceeds according to % you put into the property each?

or, b) asking him to buy you out?

What are these large sums he owes you? Are they documented on paper? If so, could you use them as leverage to sell and offset those amounts against his share?

c) the final alternative seems to be to buy him out, is this possible? I realise not anything close to ideal but may get rid of him.

is he paying his share of maintenance for your dc?

Original poster
drasticpark · 24/09/2011 15:14

It's not the money, it's the control he still has. I'm so frightened that I'm going to lose my security. He has left his family and just picks all the nice bits of parenting, taking ds to football, out for takeaways and fun things. I'm left in the shit with all the shitty things to do and I'm worn out.

OP posts:
Original poster
drasticpark · 24/09/2011 15:18

Brik, I have considered all of these. I would gladly pay him to get out of my life but he just stonewalls me. All I get is "I'm not ready to discuss this". I have been to a solictor but am terrified that once this ball starts rolling it will end very badly for one of us.

OP posts:
passionsrunhigh · 24/09/2011 15:18

awful! enlighten him about the legal situation - surely he'll get scared of bankrupcy, as he knows he's not going to win. Unless he ision a complete self-destruct mode, he'll wake up and agree to an arrangement. Maybe he's no idea what he's in for if it goes to court. Don't mention to him that he might win (near impossible anyway), say that solicitor told you you'll definetely win.

HattiFattner · 24/09/2011 15:20

sort out the money so he has less control over you. Once you feel more secure financially, and you don't feel you will lose your home to him, you may find you can start to unwind a bit. All the time you do nothing, he will be pulling your strings. SO even if it costs you money and he goes bankrupt, I think it would be worth it to allow you to move on with your life.

Being the main parent is tough. But maybe once you have resolved the finances, you can also sort out access so that you get a decent break from your parenting responsibilities - maybe every other weekend, friday after school until 6pm sunday, plus one night sleepover during the week. Plus arrange for him to take care of your son for a set period over the holidays - maybe he gets him for a full two weeks in summer, plus a week at Christmas/easter hols? Plus at least one half term. That way, he will also get to be the dad, rather than disney dad.

passionsrunhigh · 24/09/2011 15:20

if he stonewalls, write him a brief letter outlining how he will go bankrupt.

passionsrunhigh · 24/09/2011 15:27

Does he not work? even if he goes bankrupt, then
a)it will be his own doing;
b)he can still take dc out on his salary (and rent somewhere, rent a room rather than flat).
But I'm sure he's just playing you, he's not going to risk bankrupcy, so when you actually tell him that you aer going to court, he'll stop bluffing. He thinks you are too scared to act, it's a bluff.

Original poster
drasticpark · 24/09/2011 15:28

Thank you all. I do not get a break from ds at all except when I go to work. I work 2 shifts per week so XP has ds then, and only then, to enable me to go to work. He refuses to have ds at any other time as I might use my time to go out and have fun, God forbid.

He needs a scary letter from the solicitor, doesn't he?

OP posts:
BrikSchittHaus · 24/09/2011 15:29

I mean this kindly, but the control he has over you is psychological - there is a legal route that you are entitled to take that would protect you and your dc's interests, that should be your only priority.

Getting the legal situation organised wrt to access, maintenance and finances - even if you end up taking a small hit financially will pay dividends in the end, any control he has over you will be diminished and you'll have piece of mind.

The stonewalling is part of the control, he's banking on you not proceeding if he stonewalls you - proceed via a solicitor, there is only so much stonewalling he will be able to do then.

Are you entitled to legal aid in this situation?

Are CSA involved re maintenance?

BrikSchittHaus · 24/09/2011 15:31

apologies for the over use of stonewalling Blush

hope this gets sorted - he sounds like an arse - you deserve millions better

Original poster
drasticpark · 24/09/2011 15:34

He works and earns about 2.5 times my salary but he has massive credit card debts. I had to give him toilet paper and shower gel for when ds went to stay. He would never have ds unless I was at work let alone for a whole week at a time in the holiday. I have just taken ds on holiday for 2 weeks and he didn't even give him £1 spending money!

OP posts:
Thumbwitch · 24/09/2011 15:34

Yes you do need a scary letter from the solicitor. And if you don't think your solicitor is doing her absolute best for you, see if there is another one who will fight a bit harder for you.

Bankruptcy is a PITA. Not being able to have a credit card for, I think it's 10 years now? was 7 when a friend of mine was made bankrupt but that's a while ago now. You don't realise how important credit cards and bank accounts are until you can't have one! He needs to be made aware of the situation in the bleakest possible terms.

passionsrunhigh · 24/09/2011 15:36

definetely a scary letter from lawyer! he knows that you are scared and is playing on it, so let him be scared (with much more reason)!

buzzskillington · 24/09/2011 15:41

He may settle with you when solicitor's letters start coming, so it may not come to court and worst case scenarios. I think you have to start the process, and hopefully he'll see sense.

You also need to get yourself a babysitter, get out and have some time for yourself. It'll do you good.

passionsrunhigh · 24/09/2011 15:43

if he'd never have ds unless you're at work - what kind of father is he? He'll never get the house if he's not the main carer of the child - and sounds like he's very marginal, reduces his chances to nil. can you get a babysitter, or get a relative to help with?

joblot · 24/09/2011 16:06

Try saying no you can't stay in the house. He has no right to. Don't bother reasoning, its absolutely pointless with tossers.

And enjoy the peace. I completely understand you wanting to just lie down. You deserve a break

Original poster
drasticpark · 24/09/2011 16:10

Ok scary letter it is! Well, I think I'll start with a reasonable one and then follow it up with a scary one.

I met a lovely, lovely man a few months ago and we had so much fun but when XP found out he made my life even more hellish. I didn't want my lovely man to get caught in the crossfire and he didn't want to jeopardise my chances of XP agreeing to sell the house so we ended it. I miss him so much although we are still in touch. XP just doesn't want me to be happy. The lovely man made me happier in 6 months than XP did in 16 years

OP posts:
Original poster
drasticpark · 24/09/2011 16:16

Thanks everyone. I have to find the strength to do this. I told him he can't stay in the house but he told me to piss off. Charming.

I'm thinking of showing him the draft solicitor's letter and saying let's stop this NOW and come to an agreement, please. I would rather give my money to him than a solicitor. What do you think?

OP posts:
Purplebuns · 24/09/2011 16:32

Just go staright to the stern letter, you have been reasonable all along and to no avail. Please keep records of absolutely everything you can. I can't believe it has interfered with your love life to :(
You can fix all of this, he has no right to influence you and control you like this. Part of it needs to come from you applying a boot firmly to his rear end! Do you have any agreement over contact and maintenance?
I doubt you would be made homeless, but even if you were would it not just be nice to have everything sorted? There is nothing worse than being stuck and dithering over what move to take next. And as for him being made bankrupt it would serve him right for being so feckless, he has made his bed not you.

ballstoit · 24/09/2011 16:32

I think it's time to stop caring about this tosser. Does he pay maintenance for DS? I'd make a start getting that sorted if not.

Just get your solicitor to deal with him, don't show him letters and try to make it nice. It's not going to be, so you're wasting time and energy. The man left you, fails to have decent contact with DS and expects you to provide your son's loo roll ffs. If he goes bankrupt, that's not your problem. it's the result of him being a selfish, cheating, spineless tosser.

At worse, you'll have to sell the house. Personally, I'd rather live in a rented shed, than have the threat of him moving back in at any moment. Which he can...he co-owns the house.

Thumbwitch · 24/09/2011 16:34

No. I think send it via the solicitor or he will just use it against you.

He's not playing a straight game with you, and you are still allowing yourself to be controlled and intimidated by him - so take the upper hand and start taking back control yourself! Showing him your hand takes all your "power" away.

BrikSchittHaus · 24/09/2011 16:37

I'm sorry but this isn't a good idea - go through your solicitor , send a scary letter, make it clear that any attempt at resolution has been stonewalled, and cease any communication that doesn't relate to childcare.

The alternative is a path to madness. The more you engage the more he will have an opportunity to control you.

It doesn't matter whether he tells you to piss off, no is no. Why on earth would you back down? Would he be happy for you to stay in his home uninvited?

I think you will need to make alternative childcare arrangements wrt your work situation and formalise access arrangements. This will leave no avenue to control your life. All future access needs to at his home and you need not to inform him of any future relationships.

The upshot is that you need to toughen up and not second guess and back down all the time, it really is time to put your own security and happiness first.

BrikSchittHaus · 24/09/2011 16:40

x posted with everyone!

finally, where has this idea that he will go bankrupt come from? Surely any money he owes you (presumably documented) can be recovered from either a sale of the property or by you buying him out?

you are being manipulated by an arse, please leave it to your solicitor to sort, he or she will have dealt with these situations before and is best placed to guide how it is best done. please stop letting him walk over you, you are not a doormat.