I can't see a way out of this. Am I missing something obvious?

[drasticpark]

Background: XP left over a year ago after I discovered his 2.5 year affair with a family friend. He now rents a flat. I am paying the mortgage and all bills on our joint property. XP owes me a large sum of cash. He refuses to discuss ANYTHING related to finances. I want to have the house transferred to my sole name which would wipe out his debt to me. I have been advised by a solicitor that if XP continues to bury his head in the sand then it will go to court which will incur high costs. If he wins, I lose the house and the roof over my head and if I win he will go bankrupt.

Reading the above sounds like someone else's life. I feel completely detached from reality, like it's happening to someone else. I have never come to terms with the way he betrayed his family and walked away from us so easily.

Today, I told him I've had enough and I'm going away so he can have ds for a couple of weeks. He says he will simply move back into the house. I'm not really going away. I just want to go to bed and not ever get up. Where can I go in my head to get some peace? Shall I let the solicitor do her worst knowing that I could end up homeless? Why does he hate me so much? Why won't he let me go? This sounds so pathetic but I'm completely worn down by it all.

So that's a unanimous NO to my barmy idea then! And I'd just popped out to get the draft letter photocopied! Ah well, it just shows how desperate I've become. I'll phone the solicitor on Monday. CSA are already involved and so far have done absolutely nothing but XP is at least paying maintenance, just odd amounts and irregularly - another way of controlling me, I guess. I just want the CSA to take away the control element.

With regard to XP going bankrupt I am making an assumption. His equity will be wiped out by what he owes me. Worst case scenario is that we both end up with £20k legal costs each. He owes at least £10-15k on credit cards and has no savings at all. If I win and he has to pay my costs and his, he is looking at a debt of £50k or more with absolutely no means to pay. He can't even buy toilet paper or cat food this month and pinches sweeteners from work for his tea. So I would imagine bankruptcy will follow shortly.

It's a reasonable assumption, assuming that you know for a fact that he has insufficient funds to cover anything. He might have a secret stash of money that you are unaware of.

In the end, if he goes bankrupt, it doesn't have to adversely affect your DS - it doesn't mean he never has any money, just that he has no access to credit etc., like non-bankrupt people do.

Ask the CAB or someone to explain bankruptcy to you if you aren't fully aware of the implications of it. :)

How do you know he cant afford cat food/toilet roll,that he is living on the breadline? Is this what he has told you? sorry but am going to have to harsh here-get a fucking grip! Dont believe all this bullshit about how poor he is-why do you care,it is no longer your problem unless it directly concerns your dc.
He is just using this as another means of controlling you. Your solicitor has warned you that you may lose as they are legally obliged to point this out-you are not going to lose your house when you are the main carer for your dc.
Stop all communication with him other than about dc-you stonewall him for a change! Send a VERY scary solicitors letter and get on to the csa again-keep phoning them,be a pest until they take it seriously.

Ok pink, harsh is what I need! Of course he can afford toilet paper. He just says things like, can I be cheeky and borrow a loo roll/shower gel/sweetneers etc. usually in front of ds or when I'm feeling sorry for him. He follows it up with some sob story about not being able to get cash because he's so overdrawn. Constant digs about how skint he is now. And of course, he never left us - I threw him out which technically, is true. The fact that he was having an affair for 2.5 years with a married family friend while my father was dying of cancer has nothing to do with it apparently. He is an absolute wanker. Perhaps that's why he's running out of loo roll all the time?

drastic I just spat my tea...definitely don't lend him any more loo roll. Unless it's used

I realise that this is beyond scary, I've been down this road with one of my closest friends, her ex P did and said some similar things and it was a long road to get things sorted but after much heartbreak she did do as pink4ever is advising - she handed over to her solicitor and CSA and got on with day to day life and being a fun mum.

I would hassle CSA and your solicitor to make things happen and leave all comms to them. Do document your contact with your ex P (just in case) but that is all.

Now is the time to have courage, you can do this. If you start to doubt yourself - look at this from the flip side, what message are you sending by handing over a photocopy of a draft letter, what would that achieve? You know him and you know how he will respond. He is an adult, it is down to him to deal with the consequences of his behaviours be that bankruptcy or otherwise.

He is playing you and if you stopped engaging you wouldn't need to concern yourself with his toilet paper woes. I have been so skint in the last few years and barely stayed afloat, some weeks I did my shopping with nectar points but I have never gone without and managed never to run out of loo paper.

Ultimately, consider what benefit your dc gain from sproadic and difficult contact with little reliable maintenance. How would bankruptcy really be different? You know that your dc can only rely on you anyway.

Ok, you lot, I am now feeling 100% more positive . I can do this. I have to do this. I have been in bed all day feeling absolutely rubbish but I now have a plan:

• phone solicitor Monday
• phone csa Monday
• find a new job which doesn't involve relying on XP for childcare

mahoosive round of applause for drastic
Great plan, look forward to hearing how you got on Monday

I soooo wish I could have my lovely man back. He is still very much in my life and in a way, that is good enough atm. Can you believe, he was the first man I ever had a bath with? He was so incredibly shocked when I told him that I'd never had a bath with anyone that it made me cry when I realised what I'd been missing out on. He has opened up a whole new world of what it feels like to be loved. But I can't slip back into a relationship with him because he has his own agenda and I'm not really part of his plan and more importantly, I need to come to terms with the fact that I have just spent 16 years with someone who is worthless. The last thing i want to do is use someone else to bolster my own self-esteem. I have things to do before I get involved with anyone else.

And anyway, my lovely man is not really part of this problem.
I will update you on monday with my progress.

She thinks I would win but cannot guarantee it

Solicitors are notoriously cautious when it comes to predicting outcomes and the fact that your solicitor has told you the above suggests to me that you've got a cast iron case which you'll win hands down.

It's in your xp's interests for this matter to remain unresolved as it is giving him power over you and providing him with more opportunity than he has in respect of the dc to jerk your chain whenever he wants, and he's not going to give that up lightly.

You're best advised to let your solicitor at him, and then sit back and put your feet up. Don't trouble yourself to inform him of your intention as a) it will only lead to more stress for you and b) it will lessen the impact of her letter.

Whatever he may say after he's received her first missive, simply respond by saying that you have been advised not to discuss the matter with him - and refuse to be drawn any further.

I doubt that it will take long to concentrate his mind and I suspect that, after he's taken legal advice, he'll be anxious to deal and will approach you to this end.

At this point inform him that you will tell your solicitor that you're willing to settle but that, as you have been advised that it is in your best interests not to halt the legal process until any resolution is signed and sealed, you intend to continue acting on the advice that you have paid good money to receive.

Please be aware that he'll no doubt try to convince you that the two of you can reach a resolution without need for lawyers, but if you fall for this you're likely to find yourself back to square one and will have it all to do again.

OP this is a horrible situation and one similar to which I was in a while ago. My details don't matter, but I sat down and worked out what was most important to me and that was security and peace of mind. I saw a solicitor, was also advised about the 20k legal costs and no guarantee. I could have gone to court but I chose to make a settlement with him to get rid of him and the stress of having what I had worked so hard for taken away from me and DC.

You have to let your solicitor deal with him to get the right outcome for you. This may not be the fair outcome in financial terms but if your security is worth more, you can take control of that decision. Work out what you can prove you contributed, e.g. the early repayment lump sum etc. and that is your bottom line. Maybe it won't be fair but it may be worth it to get your life back. A small loss in the overall scheme of things (i.e you get the house) has to be balanced against your peace of mind. I would suggest you speak to solicitor again anyway, as Izzy says they always do emphasise that there is no guarantee.

All contact via solicitor, I agree with other posters that he is not going to play nice and you must stop being in any way concerned for him. As far as pleading toilet paper poverty, his arse his problem. Repeat this to yourself as often as you need to

Thank you, all.

My priority is to get this man out of my life and start to rebuild and be happy again. I am more than willing to take a financial hit. I don't owe him a penny but I would pay him to go away.

I hope my lovely man is still aound when all this is over but if he isn't at least I know that there are decent, honourable people out there. XP has really knocked my faith in others. I never imagined he would do this to us.

I don't understand why you said you'd rather pay money to your ex than to a solicitor. I'd rather flush a handful of crisp fivers down the toilet than hand it over to a man like that. At least the solicitor is paid to be on your side.

drastic - your ex needs to believe that you would rather pay the solicitor and get a deal that allows you to sever ties than pay him to make him go away. As long as he thinks you would rather keep 'negotiating' with him than go the full legal path - he will fuck you around with delight. He has got to get the message, from you, even if your heart is not 100 per cent behind it, that you are not prepared to play his games anymore. He has to be forced into making a decision - and quite possibly he will settle. But you mustn't be the one making the deals - you are emotionally controlled by him still and you must let your lawyer do the deal making and the communication with him.

There is a clear way out of this - the legal path, because he has chosen to refuse to engage in other paths. It is really sad that you are curtailing your own choices in order to try to keep him on side and do a deal - that's just what he wants - this game to continue forever, holding this over you like a sword that you are frightened of.....

It is in his interests to never do a deal - he is not a good person and is not going to suddenly do the right thing.

reduce communication, reduce the emotional impact he can have on you - and put it in the hands of the professionals. It will be money well spent. And I completely agree with annie - pay the solicitor because they deserve it if they are going to rescue you from this man - I don't understand why you would rather he has the money. He has had his chance to do a deal , and instead he wants to watch you suffer.

great advice waterrat (and others). It is also not in your ds's best interests for you to be in such a state. The emotional and psychological impact of the torture your ex is putting you through - keeping you hanging, playing with you (I agree with waterrat that he has no intention of letting you go but wants to keep you in this state of intense anxiety for ever if possible) - can't be underestimated. imo your ds will already be very aware of your state of anxiety, even if he is not able to verbalise it. I don't mean to be heavy OP - you need to get this shithole out of your head and out of your life. He is not a reasonable person and no amount of appealing to him is going to work - he has proved that - plus your appeals give him tips on how to get inside your head and twist the screws in the future.

btw have you done the Freedom Programme? Please do, it is excellent, and really helps you to identify when you are being manipulated (plus you meet other women in similar situations). Please also give Womens Aid a call 0808 2000 247 as they are the experts and can give you a great deal of advice and support. Please don't think domestic abuse is only about being hit - the devastating control and heartlessness you have been subjected to is classic domestic abuse.

Springy, it has crossed my mind that I am being emotionally abused. XP has absolutely no regard or comprhension of my feelings at all. He worries about what ds will think of him but not about his feelings either. He is the most selfish man I have ever met. My biggest fear is that ds will grow up to be anything like him.

I telephoned the csa and they have already written to him so basically the claim is ongoing and will be backdated. He will probably ignore any correspondence and end up with a detachment of earnings order.

I looked again at the draft letter that the solicitor wants to send and decided it needs to be a bit more kick-ass so I'm going to amend that tonight and instruct her to go for it.

In the meantime, I have told XP (by text) that it is not convenient to collect ds from the house and that he will be with my best friend at pick up time.

I feel like I've got some control back. Thank you

great!

Now go in for the kill before he has the chance to realise that the worm has turned (I'm not putting you down there OP - it is very hard to get to the point where you actually turn that corner and realise you've been manipulated and are being seriously strung along - it took me a long time to get to that point.)

I'm also not sure about the csa tbh, being as the csa don't have the greatest reputation for actually doing what they're there for - . I got all I needed through the courts, who won't be mucked about and can kick ass quite quickly, unlike the csa. I also paid for it all in instalments over a few years - manageable instalments = approx £30-£40pm from what I can remember. All quite painless plus they did what I needed them to re got the bastard off my back.

Next time he asks to borrow some toilet paper you should fish out an old newspaper, rip off a page, hand it to him and then say, "Don't use it all at once".

very funny David

don't want to be a killjoy here but ime with types like this it is better not to up the ante by being nasty. The reason is: they can be nastier (and they don't stop, there is no line they won't cross).

However, they can't stop us fantasising about ways to let them have it in the nastiest possible way . Just that in reality it is better to hide behind the big boys re the law.

Note of caution here, if he runs up huge debts and has no means to pay for them he could become bankrupt anyway and his half of the house would be used or have a charge registed against it for the benefit of his creditors.

If your solicitor says she thinks she can get it put in your name, act without delay, it will be worth the fees in the long run to preserve your home, and if your Ex thought clearly he would also see it as a senible option, you must as far as possible protect your DC's home.

sensible