Ex shitting on my doorstep.

[TinyWeeTeethGreatBigBite]

Ok not literally!

I posted before about my Ex wanting me to "lend" him money to pay for a rental propert y so that he could move near our DC. He currently lives with his mother over 200 miles away.

He has found a house that he wants to rent. It is 2 doors away from my house. I'm absolutely dreading this, I don't know how I can cope with him being on my doorstep.

As he is an emotional and financial leech with real boundary issues, I know I'm going to have to deal with him now on a daily basis. I am seeing my solicitor next week with a view to putting official/structured access in place for the DC.

I really feel so low and just like giving up, I also feel so guilty as my dc really love and miss their dad but I LOATHE him and can't bear the thought of him being here.

Any ideas on how I can stay strong, how I can put boundaries in place and enforce them would be most welcome.

Other thread here

m.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/1287540-To-be-assertive-or-AIBU

In case it's relevant.

If he's got no money, how realistic are his chances of renting a home near you?

For the immediate future I suggest you invent a tale of how you are planning to move nearer to his mother's home - and spin it out for as long as it takes for him to become fixated on something else.

I like izzy's idea.

He hasn't got this house yet, has he? And if he's as flaky as he sounds, it might be that he won't have the wherewithal to get it.

I'd be tempted to actually move myself if it came to it.

Hi Izzy, you helped me a LOT, on my other thread. He has this house organised, he has the money (most of it) and supposed to be getting the keys on Monday.

As there has been emotional and financial abuse on his part, when you see your solicitor ask about the prospects of gaining a non-molestation order that will require him to stay away from your home.

If you moved to get away from him, it could be that his intentions may possibly viewed as harassment.

Yes, I've already come to the conclusion that I'll need to move. It is crap as its a good area in bad town, any other good areas here are way out my price range.

I will do that Izzy,

its the fact that he won't be able to claim enough HB to cover the full rent, so will have to make it up out of benefits. He is gping to be on the scrounge constantly. Currently his mother subsidises him. I'm not prepared to do that buy the constant requests/demands are going to get me down. I know they will. He is like that now but at least I can hang up and switch my phone off.

I feel a bit weak and useless right now and crying on and off all night. I'm pathetic.

Definitely go for the non-molestation order ie he is not allowed in your home, not allowed to turn up on the doorstep etc.
Mind you, bear in mind that this man sounds a complete bullshitter so it is not that unlikely that he hasn't got the house sorted and there will be one excuse after another for why he isn't there.

I feel outraged on your behalf - what a twunt he is.

However, if you've got all the info about this alleged move from him and haven't had confirmation from the agents/landlord that he's going to be renting the house, I'm wondering whether he's spinning a yarn to jerk your chain

What do you think the chances are that he's lying through his teeth, and could you maybe put him off by coming up with a story of something unexpected having happened - sick relative/friend, job opportunity, etc - that is going to require you to move or be away from home for a lengthy period?

If your worst fears come to pass, you will need to set firm boundaries for contact and, although he may collect the dc and return them to your home, I would suggest you don't let him over the threshold. Again, your solicitor can advise on the fine detail.

Of course, at first your dc may be overwhelmed with having their df on their doorstep, so to speak, and you may have to be as firm with them as you'll have to be with him.

Jeez, what a nightmare scenario. Any chance you're involved with another man and have been considering setting up home with him, or having him live with you?

Tiny. You're not pathetic, it's no wonder you're feeling so low.

Do the legal stuff - and I hope he's all talk for your sake.

SGB he may be bullshitting. I know he doesn't actually want to live here. He doesn't "like" Scotland, apparently it's a shit-hole. But he will make this sacrifice for the DC. He has been to see the landlord several times whilst he has been here visiting DC. The landlord is here everyday doing work on the house.

I wonder if he wants/is waiting for me to say "i don't want you here, fuck off" so I can be the bad one iyswim?

Hmmm, what about a quiet word with the letting agent/landlord to the effect that it's probable that their new tenant won't take long to amass rent arrears as there's no way he'll be able to pay any shortfall between gross rent and housing benefit from his meagre income?

Does he have a healthy credit history?

As for him leeching off you, meet any request for money with the words 'fuck off' and repeat until he gets the message.

Sounds if you need to hang one of those signs around your neck to the effect of 'don't ask or a credit as a punch in the mouth often offends'. Not that I'm advocating violence, of course.

As a precaution, keep a note in your purse saying 'what the fuck am I doing?' and read it carefully before putting your hand in to give him money.

If all it would take to get a twunt off my back would to say "i don't want you here, fuck off", I would have no problem with being 'the bad one' - and I don't see why you should experience any difficulty saying the magic words.

If the landlord's at the property every day, any chance of you having a word with him tomorrow and subtly put the kybosh on the twunt's plans?

'don't ask for credit'

so you want the children to suffer to feed your hatred you are a sad person

No other man, it'll be a long time before I'm ready for anything like that

My dc are 6, 4 and (nearly) 3. I'm starting a new job on Monday (locally) which he knows. I've no believable reason to be anywhere other than here. I don't think he is lying about the house - he lies about most things so I can usually tell when he's not.

Buzz Thanks I think its because after a shit time I was finally getting somewhere. Everything was coming together for me and the DC. Comfortable house in a nice area, dc settled at school and nursery, finances sorted out, and new job lined up. Also emotional, mental and physical health good again. And now this.

God, I adore my dc, I'd die for them but I can't help thinking if I hadn't had dc with this arsehole I could be free of him now. And for those thoughts I feel like the worst mum in the world.

Sorry, now I'm being melodramatic and self pitying.

I want to be strong and un-manipulatable (thats a real word, promise!)

Izzy the landlord knows about the shortfall already. According to local gossip he is somewhat "dodgy" anyway. Actually Izzy are you my mum in disguise? She says all the same things you do

As a matter of fact, I may have to be the bad one in this because actually he is NOT a fit father. He does not see the dc unsupervised atm and I won't be changing that any time soon just cos he loves next door but one.

His credit history is dire.

*lives

I'd certainly be telling the landlord to run a credit check on his prospective new tenant before he hands over any keys.

I think this could be achieved in a tactful way and without it making you look as if you're out to do your ex down.

Simply tell the landlord that you moved to get away from him because he caused so many problems in the area you were living (possibly a hint of causing problems with neighbours), and that as he has a history of running up debts that he has no intention of paying, you suggest he does a credit check before he agrees to let his valuable property to someone who is unlikely to respect it.

Say that you're telling the landlord this because you don't want your reputation to suffer by association, and that you won't be responsible for any of the debts that he'll inevitably accrue such as heating/lighting and all of the other costs associated with keeping a property in good condition.

I'm definitely not your mum - if I was I would have kicked the twunt's arse into the middle of next week long ago and he wouldn't be coming anywhere near you

Ha! The amount of times I've had to restrain my mother ...

I will speak to the landlord, I definitely want to make it clear that I am on no way connected to or responsible for any debts he may accrue. This happened before (not with me, but with that poor girl he was ripping off, and the landlady was constantly contacting her)

Apparently (according to ex) the landlord contacted him earlier to say the bedrooms were not good enough (?) and also he hasn't registered ad a landlord yet. Until he does that, ex can't claim HB.

I don't think the landlord will run a credit check.

Come back after you've had a word with the landlord - and if it still looks as if the twunt'll be your new neighbour, ask your mum to come and stay for extended periods on every availabe occasion.

Hopefully this'll come to nothing but maybe you could have a quick word with your solicitor on Monday to appraise her of this new development?

Izzy yes, I will come back to update after I speak to the landlord.

I am meeting with my solicitor re this next week. I'm also going to go to the council, prob a waste of time, but you never know ...

My mum can't stay, she had caring responsibilities. If he does move in there, I will keep my fingers crossed that its not manageable for him financially or that landlord doesnt pass the registration ...

Thanks everyone. And you Izzy (I think I love you ... )

I don't believe you can get non molestation orders just because you don't want your kids father living a few doors away. I thought it was because he was a risk to you.

I haven't read any previous history on other threads so you'll have to forgive me for not having the whole story. You say he only has supervised so that tells me he actually is a bit of a nutter so there may well be grounds not put onto this thread.

As others have said if he tries to scrounge tell him to do one, that is money you need for your children not for him. I would imagine from everything you have said that if he moves in he is not going to be able to manage to afford the place for long so painful as it is, he wont be able to keep it up before he is evicted anyway.

For that reason I wouldn't move as you will be moving for ever more then he'll have control over you and that is what he wants. You are starting a new job, have a home and are making it without him. Most "normal" exes would find that a good thing, he sounds like it will do his head in. Stay on track doing what you are doing and let his games be and "irrelevance" so far as it seems to him.

Don't let him know he is getting to you, even if he is then he will know his games are working. Don't give him the satisfaction. Tough one.

It's just a crush that will be shortlived, honey, although of course I am adorable and immensely loveable

You mentioned 'bedrooms' and he's a single person? It's belatedly occurred to me that your local authority will have limits on the amount of HB payable for a 1-bed property which is all he's entitled to and any shortfall may be far greater than what he may be anticipating.

I suggest you give your council's HB department a call to find out what the maximum sums are for 1-bed properties and however many bedrooms the house next door but one to you has.

It also occurs to me that he may try to screw the council claim he needs 2/3 bedrooms to accomodate his dc. If this is the case, you may need to make another call or ask your solicitor to write a letter to the council making it clear that, as any contact he has with his dc is supervised and does not include overnight stays, he doesn't meet the criteria for entitlement to more than a 1-bed property.

I get the feeling that maybe the landlord is having second thoughts about having your ex as a tenant which is why he's made excuses not to proceed immediately, and I don't think it will take much for you to put the boot in ensure that a more worthy tenant becomes one of your near neighbours.

Some twunts have an uncanny ability to rear their ugly heads just when life is looking up for us. Tell your twunt that moving so close to the dc's home would be deeply unsettling for them and that there is not a snowball in hell's chance that such close proximity will in any way lead to him being included in your lives any more than he already is.

Also make it clear to him in no uncertain terms that you've had ample time to reflect on what a mug you've been in the past and that, as he no longer has the ability to play you like a violin, he'll have to find another instrument to practice on.

For good measure, add that he will not be getting one penny of the lump sum you are expecting, nor will you subsidise his idle lifestyle in any way, shape, or form at any time.

Don't despair, sweetie, and don't torture yourself with thoughts of having to move because that ain't gonna happen until YOU want it to.