Ex shitting on my doorstep.

[TinyWeeTeethGreatBigBite]

Ok not literally!

I posted before about my Ex wanting me to "lend" him money to pay for a rental propert y so that he could move near our DC. He currently lives with his mother over 200 miles away.

He has found a house that he wants to rent. It is 2 doors away from my house. I'm absolutely dreading this, I don't know how I can cope with him being on my doorstep.

As he is an emotional and financial leech with real boundary issues, I know I'm going to have to deal with him now on a daily basis. I am seeing my solicitor next week with a view to putting official/structured access in place for the DC.

I really feel so low and just like giving up, I also feel so guilty as my dc really love and miss their dad but I LOATHE him and can't bear the thought of him being here.

Any ideas on how I can stay strong, how I can put boundaries in place and enforce them would be most welcome.

OK a bit more background is needed sorry I haven't seen your other threads. Is the supervised contact court ordered or at your instigation or a joint agreement. Sorry this is important.

So what have you been on to make you so down on Tiny thereiver? If they were sold to you as happy pills, I suggest you demand your money back.

It's obvious that Tiny adores her dc and just because she's played the 'if only I'd chosen a more responsible father' game doesn't make her the worst mother in the world, but it does make her human and prone to the same doubts and fears that afflict those of us who who use the brains we were born with and I've got no doubt that, despite the failings of their sire, her dc are going to grow up to be a credit to her - and her alone.

Your inappropriate and uncalled for comment makes me wonder if you have any idea of what it takes for a mother of 3 young children to leave an abusive twunt and uproot herself and her dc to go it alone and start over?

Tiny deserves a mahoosive medal - and if you ever find yourself in an untenable situation with a twunt whose mission in life is to suck the joy out of the lives of those around them, you may begin to understand the extent of her remarkable achievement.

Until then, you're best advised to shut the fuck up as you've made it clear that you have nothing worthwhile to contribute to Tiny's post and she's already got a twunt in her life.

As Springy has intimated, if you have a Court Order that sets out contact arrangements you should experience little difficulty in obtaining a non-molestation order which will require your ex to stay a specified distance away from your home - and that distance is likely to be considerably more than the space between your house and the one he is hoping to occupy.

If you don't have any such Order, I would advise you to consult your solicitor on the possibility of securing a non-molestation order on the grounds of harassment.

I'm sorry I was guilty of sleepy posting I have just re read your post and more of it has engaged with my brain.

So sorry blame it on the sleepless nights. I see there is no court order in place and the children love and miss their Dad. From this may I assume there was no violence or abuse previously?

If this is the case then you don't have grounds for a non molestation order.

If this is not the case then you do.

The non molestation order by itself will not prevent him moving two doors away this would only come into play if you had included an exclusion zone around your home, (I had one) You would have to justify it to the judge and he could defend it. If you have grounds for a non molestation order make sure it has powers of arrest so the police have to act.

IMO it would be very difficult for a judge to exclude your ex from being near your home when it would involve evicting him. That really complicates things. I would concentrate on letting the landlord know he is a bad risk.

I think if he moves in you have to have the contact issues really clear cut which will be hard if Dad lives two doors away and the children love and miss him.

What you do next will largely depend on the ages of the children. He is obviously a total wanker not able to move on, needing to maintain some control and finds living on your doorstep some kind of victory. Definately pursue the legal advice route because on this one I think you'll need it big time.

How old are the children?

Has he been violent/abusive in the past? How recently is that?

Izzy there is a shortfall of approx £80 pcm. The council will not pay HB for him to house the dc, I currently claim HB, I don't get the full amount because I work part-time. This will change again when I start new job on Monday. However the rules were very clear, they would only pay for one property to house the dc, regardless of custody arrangements. Ex knows this. I don't intend to tell him I am n

No longer claiming, just in case he gets that idea. Also he is currently under investigation for HB fraud.

I also think the landlord is having second thoughts, I think he doesn't want to register as he may not pass the "fit and proper" test.

I have made it clear that he will not be a part of our lives as a family. I will support a relationship with dc and him but within the remit of their health, safety and well being.

He has been abusive, to me and a lesser extent to the dc. He has also been neglectful to them. They are 6, 4 and (nearly) 3. We have been separated for a year, the dc don't remember what it was like to live with him. And I'm glad they don't.

There is no court order in place, my solicitor actively encouraged me not to go down that route, which was probably the best course of action when he was so far away. Him moving here changes all that though.

Springy the supervised contact is instigated by me. As he (until now) has only been visiting intermittently, this has been easy to do.

I will try to explain my reasons for this.

Ex has a history of drug abuse. He used heroin until 2001, he was clean when we met, I knew nothing of this and suspected nothing for a long time. To my knowledge he has not used Heroin since that time.

In late 2005, he started using a strong opiate based painkiller. I didn't know the implications of this or foresee the problems this would cause or where it would lead. He hid it all really well. And I am guilty of so, so many things during this period. I should have recognized the problem sooner, researched it, confronted him, left him ... I didn't though so my own ignorance, my own fault.

Anyway, this escalated, he then went eventually to get help from addiction services. I had told him I was leaving with the kids and started putting everything in place. He was prescribed Methadone, he only stuck to the treatment plan for a few weeks before buying it on the street to "top himself up" he was also still abusing the tablets - painkillers, sleeping tablets and diazapam by this point.

He no longer has a prescription for anything, but is far from clean. He just buys what he wants/needs, and I have no idea what he has taken at any given time. He is unpredictable, unsafe, he leaves tablets and used methodone bottles (with residue still in) lying around where the dc could get them. He drives under the influence, erratically and unsafely - I do not allow the dc in his car. He dopes himself up at night so wouldn't be able to respond to the dc, he smokes and often drops lit cigarettes whilst in this state, puts the gas cookery rings on and then doesn't turn them off again properly so they aren't lit but gas still coming out. That's just off the top of my head, there are many, many more things. There is also the manner in which he speaks to the dc, shouting and swearing at them, etc.

These are some of the reasons I don't allow unsupervised contact.

Izzy "So what have you been on to make you so down on Tiny thereiver? If they were sold to you as happy pills, I suggest you demand your money back. "

AnyFucker once told me I needed a wife not a husband. I have a situation vacant ...

Oh Shit Tiny, I'm now 100000 percent on board with you. I just needed the background to get a better idea of how to deal with him. Your solicitor has probably advised not going to court because he will get supervised initially, but if he turns up at a contact centre for a few months, maybe up to six there is no exact length of time these are ball parks only, and he behaves, he can then go to court for unsupervised.

Supervised rarely lasts forever as there simply is not the funding for it. Depending on the judge/cafcass officer on the day he may not even be requested to do drug tests to show if he is clean or not. Even if he gets clean for the test he can start using whatever again straight afterwards and the kids will be at risk.

He may get a couple of hours a week initially but he can build to unsupervised and overnights so her advice to keep it out of court is excellent advice.

I don't think this is a situation where you should be forcing it to court but fighting him if he takes you to court. Without a court order you are in control, you tell him where when and how.

With a court order the courts are in control and you can't trust them. OK you have an honest decent solicitor that's good.

It sounds as if he won't be given the house so do what ever you can to put the landlord off. If there has been no recent violence, harrassment (over 12 months old) it is extremely unlikely that you would have grounds for a non molestation order.

All a non molestation order is, is a promise not to molest harrass you or to get anyone else to do it on his behalf. Without an exclusion order and powers of arrest it doesn't make the police do anything. With those they have to arrest him if he comes inside the excluded area or talks to you etc.

You might want to ask a solicitor about that though, if you applied for one with exclusion zone around your home, he would also get to defend that and say he is getting a home two doors away to be near his kids. Not sure... I'd play dirty first and use the landlord to achieve the same ends.

Remember this: The longer it is before a court gets involved with contact issues, the longer you are in control It shouldn't be like this but it is. Going to court for contact puts the onus on you to have the children to be made available or taken to a certain place it doesn't make him turn up. It's a high risk strategy and not a game I'd play. If you refuse to have the children available you can be threatened with jail, community service etc. even if you are refusing to comply to keep your children safe.

On the plus side the longer it takes him to take you to court the longer it will be before unsupervised happens. Some cases can go on for a couple of years, hopefully he won't take it that far and you can stay in full control as you are now.

Springy I was thinking along the same lines, as was my solicitor I believe. Ex has not even engaged a solicitor at any time re the dc. He tries (and has succeeded in the past) to bully and threaten me into getting what he wants, I won't give into this anymore. My solicitor thinks he is bonkers. In communication with my solicitor he was initially rude and nasty, then tried a charm offensive before then acting as if him and my solicitor were a team AGAINST me! Thankfully my solicitor was wise to him but it did really unnerve me at the time.

I've been watching for the landlord all morning, but no show yet.

The last recorded incident (police involvement) was in Dec 2010, they couldn't do anything as his word against mine. They did give him a warning though not an official one.

It's too late now for non molestations from that far back, don't go to court your solicitor is advising you well from what I can see anyway. The moving two doors away thing is another way to control you as he knows he is losing that control. The stronger you get the more you are regaining your power, the more desperate he is getting.

It is a very good thing that he hasn't engaged solicitors yet I'd keep it that way for as long as you can. Give him just enough rope to keep him out of the courts.

How is contact working at the moment?

You see, regarding worst case scenario, ie he does move into that house, ideally what I would want to happen is,

• he can see the dc at mutually agreed times. Supervised whilst he is using, unsupervised if he is clean and proved himself fit to care for them. Not overnight though and not for a very long time.

• we can discuss issues regarding the dc and make decisions in their best interests.

• I would be happy for him to have equal involvement with the dc if he was fit to do so.

• we will never be friends, too much has happened and he has no qualities that I would want in a friend. But we can be civil, polite and respectful to each other.

In reality, what I get is:

• interest in the dc only if it suits his needs/interests.

• constant questions about MY life, MY whereabouts, what I'M doing.

• constant demands for money,

• attempts to make me and make me feel like I'm responsible for him - and to support him financially, emotionally, mentally. Its so draining.

• accusations of all sorts of things.

• demands for practical help, ie he wants to apply for a job, he expects me to do the application form, I refuse for a variety of reasons so he won't apply. This is then my fault, I have lost him an opportunity.

• if I ever agree to any of his requests, he IMMEDIATELY comes back with another one.

• if I refuse to do/give him something, he will say ok. thats your choice but then followed by abuse.

• I always without fail question myself as to whether I am being unreasonable, mean, petty. etc ie I have a rented house (furnished) I have furniture in storage, specifically two couches which my mum bought for me. I am sorting out with my landlord to be able to move them here and store/get rid of his couches. ex has decided I should give him my couches as his house will be unfurnished. I said no, as I will need them in the future when I move to unfurnished/buy a house. and MY mum bought them. HIS mum paid for a p&t pram, so he kept the money from that when I sold it last week. He took my laptop when we split as he had paid for it (was a present for me) and numerous other things along those lines. So am I being unreasonable and petty re the couches?

Jeez, there are so many things like that. I know that I am stuck in a relationship with him for the foreseeable future as we have dc, but why can't that just be the sum of its parts? I tell him this repeatedly, I try not to engage with him when he tries to offload all his troubles onto me, I don't answer his questions re my life outside of the dc, (anyway I haven't really got one ) but it is as if these conversations never take place and five minutes later he is back to doing it again! So frustrating.

Anyway, sorry for posting all that, I'm trying to pass time whilst waiting for this landlord to show up.

Springy at the moment he comes up about once a month. He has access here in my house, but I do not allow him to stay here anymore. I do not allow him to take the dc to his hometown. He can have as much phone contact as he wants with the dc but often doesn't ring when supposed to. He then blames this on me ie why didn't I ring him at that time. I used to but my solicitor and MN told me to atop doing that. It is his responsibility not mine. If the dc ask to ring him, then of course I will do this.

It is very difficult to do the phone contact (see previous long post) as I struggle to get him off the phone (to me) and often just have to hang up.

I think you are right about him getting desperate. I think he has always thought we would get back together. Now he is realising that this is NEVER going to happen.

I've re read the thread again, he is not moving next to you. He is a selish SOB who needs his benefits for his fixes not his children. He is not going to leave mummy dearest to become independent and give up some of his benefits to stand on his own two feet.

The more I think about this the more I think it is about him being able to put the wind up you rather than any realistic threat. I could be wrong but he's got "useless waste of space" written all over him.

Look, what you have to do is accept and understand that this man is a complete whanger and deal with him as you would deal with a constantly bunging-up toilet. Whatever he says, does or wants is of no interest to you and not your problem. Whenever he starts whining or pestering, put the phone down on him/shut the door in his face/ignore the emails. Complete brick wall.

SGB thanks, I am doing this more and more, obv I need to do it 100% of the time. And I will. I'm not going to ask you all for advice and then ignore it. Especially as it is bloody good advice and the right thing to do.

I like whanger! Is it a local term? Never heard it before.

Also landlord was a no show today so fingers crossed for tomorrow.

Just to wish you good luck in your new job tomorrow - hope it goes well for you.

Also hope you've managed to have word with the landlord and have discreetly mentioned that his prospective new tenant is being investigated for housing benefit fraud - if the landlord's at all dodgy, he is not going to want to risk coming under any scrutiny himself.

With regard to your ex in general, simply adopt a policy of zero tolerance to anything he says or does that is inapppropriate - which, basically, is everything because he's an oxygen thief.

< lurks >

Well, he has the house I spoke to the landlord late Sunday evening, I was a bit wary about what to say as I was worried about the landlord reporting back to Ex, which would then be taken out on me (and the dc) I am a wimp .

However, although he had keys and has stayed there tonight and last night, he still doesn't have a tenancy agreement and the landlord seems reluctant to register etc so it might all end up short-lived

True to form, he asked me for money - but he would let me off with giving him ONLY £1000 and if I give him that then we'd be quits and he wouldn't expect any more. Yeah right.

And actually I gave him what for. No, I'm not giving you any more money, no you can't have my couches or anything else, I don't want you to live two doors up and listed all the reasons why. I also told him its handy in a way him being close as now my dad and uncles know where to find him

So I feel kind of empowered from a combination of decent, solid MN advice and support and my fab new job and hair-do, which has taken me back to many years ago and reminded of a time when I just wouldn't have taken this kind of shit from anyone!

I'm not that naive though that I think that'll be the end of it but at least I've laid out some ground rules and I WILL be sticking to them. And adding to them. Hopefully you ladies will still be happy to help me if and when he does get to me.

And on the plus side, my first day at my new job went really, really well and I enjoyed it so much.

And thanks again to everyone (and hello to AF!)

he would let me off with giving him ONLY £1000 His gall generosity has taken my breath away and I'm so glad to see it didn't have the same effect on you

So you gave him both barrels - fucking ace!!! Well done, you. That's the way to do it. Start as you mean to go on - and on, giving him no quarter (not even of a $!) and certainly no couches. The nerve of the twunt!! More front than Selfridges.

Let him stay in an empty house with a dodgy landlord - but don't forget to tip the council off about his previous/current re HB. Perhaps a quick phone call from you - or maybe your df or one of your dus could have a word before they drop a few in the twunt's shell-like?

Isn't it amazing what a transformation a new hairstyle can have on a personality - plus a new job that you already love. Wow, way to go! You are incredible - and don't you ever forget it!

If the twunt's unable to get his mitts on any moolah in the near future, my guess is his 'informal' tenancy will be shortlived and he'll scuttle back to his mum.

Keep up the good work - come back for a top up of your newfound resolve anytime and in the meantime enjoy a very well-deserved You've earned it.

Thanks Izzy, tbh it was a long time coming and when he made some comments about giving him money, and also the same old chestnuts of how I "owe" him as he has paid for x,y,z in the past, well I just saw red! But funnily enough I didn't respond in am angry way, even though I was FUMING inside. I was very calm, articulate and impersonal.

I told him that instead of having such a massive sense of entitlement (LOVE that MN staple) , thinking that life owes him a living, that I will not be providing him with financial, practical or emotional support regardless of what he believes he is entitled to get from me and I no longer care what he thinks or says about me. And that instead of doing all that HE should be providing for and^ helping to support HIS children, instead of expecting me to support him. I have 3 children NOT 4. Then I told him to get the fuck out of my house, when he refused (more in a shocked way than aggressive) I picked up the phone and said ok, the police can remove you. So he left.

It was actually a lot better than it looks written but you get the jist.

Today he asked me what I meant re supporting the dc, what more could/should he have done. FFS GET A. JOB!!! his reply "oh yes, that's the only thing I could think you meant" You see what I'm up against here?

Chrononaut give me a 'T' 'I' 'N' 'Y' lovely pin-pond btw