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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

your thoughts or advice???

27 replies

Appleberry · 23/09/2011 10:33

I don?t know what it is that is going wrong in my life? Please tell me. I have a 3 year old DD and have been married for nearly 8 years, and soon going to have no.2. My husband hardly takes the load off my shoulder, meaning once in a while he would take my DD for a bath but never be able to put her to sleep. I always end up doing it. I wake up at 5.30ish, wake my DD around 6, he wakes up around that time, all have breakfast, get ready and go to school/work. Come home in eve by 5.30pm, feed dinner to my DD, husband get picked at 6.30pm, come home have dinner, I clear while he sits on the sofa! I shout around to please take her to bath, by that time, DD is already playing up, I end up taking her up to may be change into pyjama, read book and put her to sleep without a shower. Exhausted by 8.30pm, go for shower and sleep with my DD as he snores?. Last night I slammed the bedroom door as I was upset and he had a go at me?.what are your opinions? Am I being unreasonable here?

OP posts:

sternface · 23/09/2011 10:37

No you're not.

Your husband is a selfish, lazy git who thinks that housework and childcare are women's work. Stop huffing, puffing, shouting and slamming doors though. Tell him what needs to change and vote with your feet if it doesn't.

Original poster

Appleberry · 23/09/2011 10:45

Thanks sternface. I think so. I know the more i shout around and huff & puff nothing going to get done, but i want to find a way to get him to do something around. I mean soon my DD will be getting homework, getting bigger, and more even will be having an additional member. Am i supposed to do all this on my own, and have him abuse me and my family all the time? I feel so upset :-(

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notsorted · 23/09/2011 10:53

He is a lazy git and needs to be spoken to before the next one arrives. If you intend to bf you will have no time to rush around. Calmly say to him that he will have to take over baths shortly, the bump and the bending down over the bath is a good excuse. But btw do you bathe DD every night? Can you do every other night? And tell him that one night is takeaway night and he's choosing/getting it? Those are small steps. Don't worry too much about the distant future just put a few steps in place to make him know what he needs to do. And if he refuses you have every right to just concentrate on you DD and the new one. Eat dinner with them and sod him!

cestlavielife · 23/09/2011 10:55

sounds like you just taken on all the work .
have you ever sat with him with list of what needs doing hour by hour eg in the evenings and agreed between you?
maybe tell him - when we have dc2 it will be hard - can we talk about how to dividde care of dc and chores?

Original poster

Appleberry · 23/09/2011 11:01

notsorted than you so much for your advice. I have tried to speak to him loads and loads of times, i can't even keep up with the no of times. He will do it 1 day and the next day back to sq 1.I mean its not big deal if my DD does not have a bath/shower and just changes to pj's, but its the initiative of him that he should do something for me is lacking.I am feeling rather exhausted this round time,have explained to him too. We have had this discussion laods of time.The other day i only asked him to help with hoover the stairs as i thought i should not do heavy work and he ended up yelling at me, and my DD saw it and we both were crying.His mother cooks food for us.i right at the end of the line. Don't even know who to turn to for help to get myself together :-(

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bellsring · 23/09/2011 11:01

At the moment, he seems to have got you where he wants you. So, why would he want to change it. I hope you can manage to improve your quality of life for yourself. You owe it to yourself and your,soon to be increased, family.

I hope he is willing to share the load with you, and that he is just being selfish at this moment in time, rather than being a thoughtless, inconsiderate pig through and through. Tell him, if you get any more worn out and tired, it will end up falling on him, anyway, as you wont be able to function as well day-to-day.

CailinDana · 23/09/2011 11:04

This sounds worse than just laziness, Apple, it sounds like your H is abusive, would you agree? Why did he shout at you about hoovering the stairs? What was his reaction when you cried?

Do you do his laundry? Stop doing that right away and don't cook him any meals either.

Original poster

Appleberry · 23/09/2011 11:05

cestlavielif thanks for your advice. I have spoke to him, and he says he will take her not when i tell him there and then but whenever it suits him.My DD goes to school all day from 7.30 to 5.30,i think she needs a decent sleep and rest for next day school, and a nice bath and a read would be good for her. She can stay awake later on wknds, which i have no problem but wkdays, i think it is a good routine so me and him can have time together. I have explained it loads of times but nothing is working....

OP posts:

bellsring · 23/09/2011 11:14

OP, those words 'when it suits me' ring warning bells for me because it sounds like he does not want to help YOU, do things that would be beneficial and good for your well-being.

I know I am over-sensitive from my experiences, maybe, but I heard that line for years, and that is what my ex did. Just stuff he felt like doing, purposely letting me struggle (especially with babies/small children) while he smirked and watched.

Good luck, though.

Original poster

Appleberry · 23/09/2011 11:18

thank you bellsring.

CailinDana-thanks for your thought too. he shouted at me, becos he was tired and i didn't hoover over the weekday i am usually off, and i asked him to hoover, he ended up abusing me that i shout at hime like my mother.He has no reaction anymore,he came once and asked why i am crying, and as soon as he i started to talk he walked away thinking that someone will hear us talking loud. I do his laundry but at the moment i have stopped putting the dry clothes away in the cupbaords, his mum irons his shirts!!!I cook over the wknd's, his mum cooks over the wk for us.Even worst, i have waited for him in the eve, he comes home, obviously the food is ready, and sits and starts to eat straight away without even waiting for me:-(

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CailinDana · 23/09/2011 11:21

It sounds like things have really broken down between you. Has it always been hard work, or have things got worse recently?

Original poster

Appleberry · 23/09/2011 11:25

Cailindana. This has happened few times and things are usually good btw us but just lately i feel i need him to support me and i am finding it hard to accept him being like this.

OP posts:

sternface · 23/09/2011 11:38

So he's got two women running around after him then, you and your MIL?

It's becoming clear that this isn't a thread about someone who's selfish and lazy. It's an abuse thread.

Original poster

Appleberry · 23/09/2011 11:41

he will ignore me all day and come eve, will ask me to pick him up....i don't know how to change all this to better....

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Original poster

Appleberry · 23/09/2011 11:44

I just want to cry now :-( feel so let down and helpless:-(

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anonacfr · 23/09/2011 11:53

Tell him you can't pick him up, you're too tired. When he gets home tell him to get his own dinner while you're relaxing/looking after DD. He'll have to get used to it when the new baby comes.

Original poster

Appleberry · 23/09/2011 11:59

Thanks anonacfr. I might just do that actually. I feel so angry and upset.

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notsorted · 23/09/2011 12:02

It sounds like my ex. He is punishing you for something. Does his mum wait on his dad like a servant? Is she wonderwoman round the house? He is punishing you for something? Does he want new baby? I know this is hard to deal with but he is pushing you to lose it whether consciously (abusive) or unconsciously (immature git). Mine used to say if you don't nag ask me I will do things. Pretty hard when you've got an older DC and another one on the way. Mine refused to carry heavy stuff or even anything when I was towards end of pregnancy. I got so bloody minded that I did things and ended up in bed late in the pregnancy because I'd overdone it. Can you talk to MiL. Where's your mum? Have you RL friends who can help.
And not understanding the crying and not being supportive is totally shitty behaviour.
If I was you write him an email and send it. Be strong, be assertive, and say clearly and calmly that this is what you'd like him to do and if he doesn't you simply don't have the strength or time to do it.

Original poster

Appleberry · 23/09/2011 12:07

Thanks notsorted. I don't think he is punishing me but i just feel he just can't be bothered about anything except himself!

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bellsring · 23/09/2011 12:09

OP, my ex, gave me the ongoing silent treatment for years and the asking me once in a blue moon what the matter was, and then when you think - oh, he's going to be nice, listen, support me, he would either walk away or tell me not to nag, give him peace, tell me 'I don't want to talk about this crap......' Of course, it was all my fault. (his words).

Years ago, someone said to me - you can't talk to someone who doesn't want to listen. She was so right, in my case.

You are going to have to decide on some of your own boundaries/not expect so much of yourself (especially as you are pregnant). I really hope he has it in him to listen and take on board what you say, and he doesn't keep continuing to act like 'King of the Castle'. Do you feel like you have someone continually working against you? That's how I felt.

So, he gets it his way, not doing the thing you wanted help with, eg by yelling at you when you ask him to hoover.

I think you said that things were usually good, though, between you. So, is this maybe sortable. I don't like to tar your relationship with the same brush as mine was.

bellsring · 23/09/2011 12:37

I would say stop doing stuff for him. I did all that with my ex. It never worked. He would do anything, rather than tow the line, or enter into a grown-up conversation with me, as I think he considered that if he did this he would have conceded, and there is no way he would do that. He had to 'win' and be rigid at whatever cost. There was no compromise. He would have rather cut off his nose to spite his face than work 'with' me. But then, I suppose, a spade is a spade, and if someone keeps telling you for years they hate you, they do. (I lived with that. That's how completely I'd lost the plot!). It really is mind f...... Maybe he didn't hate me. Just the way I was acting. But, with that kind of scenario, you don't end up being the person you are.

Original poster

Appleberry · 23/09/2011 12:39

thanks bellsring. Our relationship is usually good only sometimes things like this get out of hand and become abusive and harsh words come out, then things are fine for a while.Its on & off. I am sorry about what you went through, and you are absoluletly right about "you can't talk to someone who doesn't want to listen". Yes sometimes i feel i am going in the opposite direction. Thank you for listening to me, and i just hope this black cloud goes away far from me :-(

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Original poster

Appleberry · 23/09/2011 12:41

absolutely bellsring! You don't like to be the person you are but sometimes they make you become like that....i suppose some people have stronger mind skills than others and know how to manipulate things

OP posts:

bellsring · 23/09/2011 13:10

I am now out of that relationship. I stayed in it too long. I keep my distance as much as possible now. Best thing for me. I do know that there is something very wrong with a person who purposely lets their partner suffer - longtime. Cruel.

SunRaysthruClouds · 23/09/2011 13:31

Appleberry I suspect that none of this registers with him, the reason being his DM enables it. He sounds like someone who might have been a single spoiled child, with his mother running around after him and this has never stopped.And having you both doing once you got married before children was even better.

Presumably MIL lives just around the corner to do all she does? I suggest you need to get her on side, which may be difficult if he is the spoiled child type, and get her to help you to make him grow up and take some responsibility.

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