How can I explain to dh how this makes me feel?

[TheBlackKnightInYellowWellies]

I don't want to have a massive row.

We have come to an agreement on how to go on, but I can't believe he has done this to us.

Right long and short of it is dh works full time, I work part time and study part time, 2 dc both at school. dh pays a certain amount of money into our joint account every month to cover day to day expenses including food, clothes for the children and so on.

The idea of the joint account was that although dh has a card, that was just so he could use it for buying food or stuff for the dc at the weekend (I work at the weekend). I always estimate this to be between £50-100 a month.

Over the last year or so, my hours have been cut, so I've become more aware of how much money there is and shocked at how soon it keeps running out. To the point that I was spending absolutely all my wages on basic things and we no longer have money left over for days out and the idea of a little cottage holiday this year went right out the window. (the stuff my work used to pay for)

Anyway after going through my statements properly I find he has been switching and withdrawing cash to the amount of my wage each month, and not on the dc either!

He has agreed to leave his switch card at home from now on and says he had no idea he was using it so much.

But I'm left hurt and betrayed. I was thinking of finding a second job. Then when I discovered how much he'd been spending I thought, he had a gambling problem or something? But no he is just a drip who thought that this money was bottomless or something!

Thanks for reading all this it is long.

Reading this through, we both sound like idiots .

its easy to spend here and there and not realise how much is going. It wasnt until i started to write every transaction down that i realised how much was wasted. At least your OH has agreed to cut down.

GIve it a couple of months writing every spend down and see how it goes

What was the money going on?

Beer, choc, dvds nothing big.

Having a "joint" anything after a relationship has ended amounts to trouble/added grief.

I'd advise to separate this money thing.

Seeing as he has spent the money on himself rather than what you had agreed he should spend it on, you need to add it up and ask him to repay the money he has borrowed from you. These are your wages, and a small amount of his own money, that he has squandered away from you.

He needs to grow up.

Explain how this has made you feel, then cut up his card and tell him from now on you will manage the joint account and he can use his own money for his treats and stuff. Tell him that it is housekeeping plus money for the dc not to subsidise his lifestyle.

why dont you jsut ask him to pay more into the joint account each month?

to cover his spending as well ?

So.. all your wages is spent on essentials, alongside the bit that dh 'puts into the joint account'. So, what happens to the rest of 'his' money?

I'm not surprised you feel betrayed if he's been frittering away the household money despite having his own separate account.

I could understand accidental frittering if all of his & your wages went into the joint and you both used it for leisure, bills & everything, but this was just stupid & selfish on his side.

Just to be clear we aren't separated.

Happily married in fact, for a long time, he's my best friend and I love him to pieces, but he is a bit weird about money.

The joint/kitty account is the culmination of many years of negotiations over money and for the last 10 years or so, has worked brilliantly, avoiding me having to ask him for cash which was always fraught and delayed. (he never has any on him; hence loads of little switches.)

He realises he needs to stop, I think his usage has crept up over the last year or 2, but he doesn't seem to realise that I feel almost as if he has stolen this money from us. I just don't know how to get this across to him without a big falling out.

I would like some advice on how to phrase it, so it doesn't sound like I'm having a major go at him. He has always been very free with small amounts of money, always happy to get a bottle of wine or some chocolate, whilst being mean and over-anxious about larger sums; never gets more than a tenner out of the cash machine and always describes himself as skint. I don't think he genuinely realised he had spent so much on so little.

Oh yeah I forgot, he pays the mortgage, utilities, car loan and insurance and so on from his main account.

I don't think there is any way of expressing the feeling that you've been stolen from without it sounding like you're having a major go at him!

I think either you have to have at him or let it go, if no harm has been done (other than months of worry & stress for you ). I'd not let him have the joint account card back.

Perhaps if there needs to be spending money available, you could put some in a prepaid card (such as Escape) or a second account?

WHy do you feel he has stolen the money from you? What would the money have gone on if he hadn't spent it? What have you missed out on by your husband spending this money on beer, etc?

I wouldn't have had to take on more debt by putting school uniform or food shopping on my credit card.

Perhaps you could ask him to take over the debts you accrued - putting the balance onto his card or something? So he is faced by the reality of the problem, rather than you having to manage it?

Its completely unreasonable that you have debts because of this.

So - you're happily married. Marriage is a partnership. That means your debts are his debts - particularly if his 'little spending' has resulted in them.

Present him with the facts - these are the debts that resulted from you spending the household money - so they need paying from 'your' money. You also need to be paying for the cottage as I've not had any to save up for that because you spent it.

What does he do with the money that's not spent on the car, mortgage etc?

Why don't you suggest to him that, instead of using switch from the joint account, he has a 'spending' account into which he has an agreed amount paid in every month - then he will know how much he is spending and it won't impact on the household money.

I find it very difficult to comment really as for me and DH, 'for richer or poorer' meant just that. We have one joint account into which all our money goes and from which all our spending comes. The fact that I was part time for a while so earned less than him didn't come into it - but when he was unemployed for 14 mo, I was the sole wage earner.

"I feel almost as if he has stolen this money from us."
There is no 'almost' about it. He has. The money in that account was supposedly ring-fenced for particular expenses, and he has used it as pocket money.

He needs to repay the money that he has taken from that account, from his own account. If he has to go into debt for this to happen, so be it. It was NOT his money to spend on beer, chocs, DVDs.

"I would like some advice on how to phrase it, so it doesn't sound like I'm having a major go at him." he has no right not to have you have a major go at him
How about: "The total that you have taken from the joint account for personal spending totals £X. That is how much I expect you to replace. I'd suggest you start by clearing the balance on my credit card, which I had to use to pay for school uniforms and food because there was no money in the account. It makes me very angry to have been forced into taking on DEBT for essentials when it should NEVER have been necessary. For the balance, you need to up your contributions by £Y for Z months. And any interest payments that are down to your misuse of the joint account must also be met by you."

WhereYouLeftIt I really appreciate you saying that. It makes me feel a bit better to see that others understand why I'm upset.

I won't be laying down the law to him in the way you suggested though. I think the outcome would be very negative for us both.

He readily agreed to the card being kept permanently at home and only used for emergencies. The amount that goes into the joint/kitty account is also going to be adjusted, so that I can use some of it each month to clear debt.

I'm sure he didn't mean to do it, he's just, as I said, a bit funny about money, which is why we do not have everything paid into one account to start with.

Thanks for all your replies.