Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

Original poster

don't know whats best for my children - advice needed

15 replies

givemeavodka · 21/09/2011 14:43

Hello.
Long story short. Married with 3 young ds's. DH treated me terrible of the years, possible affair, controlling and abusive.

Now I have totally withdrawn from him for 2 years, sleeping in seperate beds, no affection given on my part.
He on the other hand wants to start again and trys to be affection and have conselling.
I cannot forgot or forgive him, I feel differently about him now and don't respect him.
So the questions is, do we carry on like this and stay together for the children's sake or is it better for them that we part??

OP posts:

Original poster

givemeavodka · 21/09/2011 14:44

sorry for typo's i wrote far to quickly, hope it makes sense!

OP posts:

Megastar · 21/09/2011 14:52

I personally never believe in Staying with someone 'for the sake of the children'. Kids are not silly and will always pick up on things, remember also that children will look to their parents for what relationships are like and this can influence them later on.
If you think that things can be repaired in your relationship then give it a go but f you really don't think you can trust and love that person, you deserve happiness too.
Hope you work it out.

buzzskillington · 21/09/2011 14:56

I think you should leave for the children's sake. You're currently modelling a loveless, abusive relationship for them, instead of a healthy one, and that can affect their own relationships and choices in the future.

cestlavielife · 21/09/2011 15:44

go to counselling on your own to consider your options

Original poster

givemeavodka · 21/09/2011 16:05

Thanks for your replies, i should have counselling but £49 per session with relate is something I really can't afford right now.

Its really hard because he keeps saying he loves me and has changed and is a different person and I am the one now not giving him the time of day.
The tables have turned, as I feel differently towards him now. Now I feel the person in the wrong for wanting to call its quits and end it all.

OP posts:

buzzskillington · 21/09/2011 16:32

I think Relate have negotiable rates.

But you don't owe him a relationship. If he killed your feelings for him through poor treatment over the years, he's no-one to blame but himself.

Dozer · 21/09/2011 17:18

My best friend was in a similar situation and worried and worried about the impact leaving would have on her DC. She did leave, after becoming convinced that it was not good for the DCs to have the relationship as a role model. e.g. her son might start to treat her or girlfriends in the way her DP was treating her.

Before her love for him went, she had given him so many chances and warnings, and he'd reverted to the same old bad behaviour every single time.

When she told him it was over he swore he'd change, blah blah. She left anyway. He cried, made it hard etc etc. Two years on, they are on amicable terms, he lives not far away, he doesn't see the DC much (his choice ). He has not changed, but she doesn't have to deal with him anymore and is a million times happier and in a new relationship with someone who treats her miles better.

Words are easy. (His words)

If both affection and respect are gone, not a good idea to stay.

Dozer · 21/09/2011 17:20

Yes, buzz, totally, it's not the OP's fault if she doesn't love him anymore, that's his own fault. My friend's DP kept saying things like "why are you doing this to us / it could be good again / what about the DC" . When he'd been a total dick to her.

HerHissyness · 21/09/2011 17:25

Love you are wasting your £49!

if this guy is abusive, it won't help. EVER.

Leave him, and you won't need the Relate therapy. The Freedom Programme is FREE!

You are being abused, your children are exposed to it and are therefore ALSO being abused AND deprived of a happy child hood.

It is FAR better OUT than IN, please get advice, call WA and plan to spilt.

Your marriage is dead and to be honest, if he is an abuser, for your own health and safety, it's better for everyone if it stays that way.

notsorted · 21/09/2011 18:17

Indeed, don't waste your £49 now. Read lots of threads here - look back at some old ones especially those of saffysmum and wisedup, they are wonderfully empowering.
Read about the Freedom programme, read stuff on EA thread, read ones about those whose Hs have had affairs. Give some time to yourself as well as worrying about your DCs. Set yourself some goals for you and them.
Saying he has changed means nowt. It is the doing that counts and even if he can/will change (v slight chance on his own without counselling alone) you have to have your needs met. The children want happy, non-abusive parents or failing that at least one happy, non-abusive parent in the same house as them.

Original poster

givemeavodka · 21/09/2011 18:42

Thanks guys, I will take a look at the Freedom Project. Everyone keeps saying I am being abused. I used to be , but don't feel as though I really am now!
He does pressure me to try and give it a go as in kiss and cuddle and try to begin over, as he is trying to be a different person.
He is alot different in how he used to be as to the help he offers around the house. I'm not sure if it an abusive relationship anymore????
He tells me that he is doing everything to make this marriage work, but I can't forget all he has done in the past, I feel different now.
I feel as though I should let him back in and try harder to make it work. We do not argue that much in front of the ds's , but its hard not to sometimes.

I end up feeing the guilty one for not giving him a try again and as he puts he' letting him back in and being norma together again' I have been like this now for 2 years.

OP posts:

kunahero · 21/09/2011 20:37

Give in and given time he will revert to being an abusive partner. Leopards and spots!! Your dc's mental health and future is worth way more than giving this loser another chance. You should have gone ages ago but you should go now b4 you slip back into the old routine just because its easier.
Good luck. BE strong, you can do it.

barkwithnobite · 21/09/2011 20:51

Gosh, sounds just like my situation. My DH has changed significantly post counselling, but l wonder whether the changed would be everlasting.....that's the worry. He never wanted to help around the house, he was a total prick....now he's so attentive, caring, helpful....but I wonder if it's all too late, or if its a temporary change...it would be nice to hear from someone who has been through it where DH changed dramatically for the better...did it last or did he revert back....

HerHissyness · 21/09/2011 22:01

HerHissyness · 21/09/2011 22:04

Aha! here it is www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/docs/mrgoodbad-english.pdf

Have a look at the dominator, then see the NORMAL guy.

Your H's idea of going back to normal .... which page is it on?

Flip