FFS How to make DH do things ^properly^?????

[PruniStuffing]

I'm sure I'm not alone here. I know I'm not in RL, because I do not know any women who have dps who are totally competent, able to predict what will need to be done then either do it or organise for it to be done. I feel atm like I am swimming in treacle. I have to organise everything, and it's grinding me down. My dh is a lovely lovely bloke, but (what a cliche) seems not to listen at all and most of the time I am not a nag but tiredness and the relentnessness of it all is turning me into a shrew and I loathe that.

OK so I need a few practical suggestions to prevent me from strangling the man I love. What do you do?

Don't know, but will...shall we say...be watching this thread with interest

I'm all ears too

lol, I too shall add this one to my watch list .

don't know either, feel like i'm turning into an old nag too

Oh no! It's the holy grail, isn't it? Come on, there must be someone who has managed this without resorting to murder or dog-training techniques...?

instead of strangling him u could ...erm....stab him?
seriously i have no idea, my DP is involved in musoc and has his headphones on most of the time, when he doesn't he claims he is "thinking musoical thought" what BS!!!

If you get a positive answer here I will be amazed we are all singing from the same hymn sheet with this one

Think there might be a lot of watchers, but not much in the way of suggestions!

Although, having said that, DH has just taken DS up for a bath (as he does every night), leaving me to arse about on here, so I must be doing something right

another one who knows how you feel but has no idea what to do about it

What kind of thing are we talking about Pruni?

Against the general grain of this thread, my dp is fab (to the point of nagging me ) about things like doing the washing, washing up, general tidying up. Also arrangements for getting to places - how long a car journey will take, which train to catch etc. He's very good at those. Not quite so hot on what to take with us (esp ds's stuff).

Not sure why this is, I certainly can't take the credit.

I hate that I do this but it is saving my marriage: I have a typed, colour coded timetable of the baby's day with EVERYTHING on it, I leave nothing to guess work. I was just like you
PruniStuffing, I was beginning to resent dh for turning me into a nag, which I an not at all by nature, I hate complaining about my expectations and got sick of it, but realised I was being unrealistic as dh is not a mindreader and no-one is going to care for my baby as efficiantly as me because the routine evolved through me! So I wrote the schedule down, now I can go out for hours at a time or have a lie in on a sunday and not have dh either ringing me or waking me to ask questions.
I just told him one day "Here it is, broken down hourly, look at the clock, look at the timetable, it will tell you what needs to be done. I'm going to the pub"

Well, it is not serious in the grand scheme of things. He is a good person and great to be around. Neither of us has high standards, though his are lower than mine. What bugs me is the constant deference to me in household matters. What shall we do today? (He's hoping I say 'let's go for a coffee and then you can go off and do whatever you want whilst I entertain dd'.) Well take a look around and bloody well pick up a cloth, for a start. But no, I have to run through what needs doing and allocate the jobs, or simply do them myself because he decides they don't need doing. Constantly, every day, every week, I am telling him what needs doing. None of it is surprising, novel stuff, just the usual household grind. I would love for him to bleedin well think for himself and DO IT, or suggest that I do it, I don't care how it gets done, I just want to stop thinking about housework.

I feel like such a total cow for even starting this thread.

My new tactic is: whenever he asks me a question, I will tell him I won't answer until he's tried to find out for himself. Eg 'Does the washing machine need emptying?' Look for yourself. Then do it, or do not do it, I don't care. But just stop asking me.

Can you tell I've had enough? I realise people have a lot worse than this to get through, I really do. It's just so irritating and pointless.

Yes! I have a scheme, and my dp is exactly like your dh sounds. I was getting so fed up of constantly doing everything that needed doing as I spotted it, while he arsed around on his computer. He also is lovely and doesn't mind doing stuff, but he just can't SEE what needs doing or have the efficiency for example to bring dirty cups back through to the kitchen when he is going that way. Grrr.

Firstly allocate some jobs that are his jobs and he always has to do them, every day, ideally at the same time every day, then he doesn't have to remember. E.g. empty and refill dishwasher, or you could have once a week jobs, e.g. he has to hoover every saturday morning. To make it fair, you also have some stuff you do regularly. in our house dp does dishwasher, I wash clothes.

Secondly, every night after DS goes to bed (7.30), we have to do whatever needs doing for the next hour. This includes cooking the tea. So we talk about what needs doing - essentially this is me telling him, but in theory he can suggest things too - could be emptying bins, replacing lightbulbs, changing bed, whatever, plus of course the tea. Then we share out the jobs and do them. If someone is out for the evening, then the other doesn't have to do any housework. Also we don't do any at weekends apart from the daily tasks.

He likes it because he never has to think or have any initiative. I like it because I'm not doing housework non-stop because I know there will be a time when it gets done, it won't pile up, he will do his share and I don't have to nag.

Has currently worked for about 3 months!

1. Get a cleaner - then you can tell someone what needs doing around the house and get shitty with them if it's not done properly.

2. Go out for that coffee, together and then do something else out of the house, together. A house you are not in cannot get any messier, and if you can't see it it can feel better.

3. Ask your dp what jobs he would like and then don't do them for him. I am "lucky" in that dh is a creature of habit and once he gets into the habit you can't break it. It has it's bad side as well, as he is the least spontaneous person I know but I just remind myself:

He tidies up kitchen every night
He unloads dishwasher every morning
We always have an empty bin and clean teatowel
If he finishes food it goes onto the shopping list
Ds's toys are always put away at the end of the day
Ds is bathed, dressed in PJ's (though I have to get out shortie ones on warm days because of his "habitual" nature)
Ds has 3 stories, is in bed by 7pm with a goodnight kiss
I never have to pick up dh's clothes

On the minus side he can't cope with cooking unless we had the same meal every Thursday night for instance. He cannot look in the fridge and think "Oh, I've got everything to make chilli"

Until ds was in a "routine" he (dh) was hopeless. I posted on here about it a few time, wondering why he just couldn't see what needed doing. I now see that he does heaps, but can't cope with new stuff very well.

Between him and the cleaner all the regular stuff gets done leaving me free to respond to the million other things that crop up.

How old is your child/children?

Haven't really got anything novel to post on here, but will say that dh and I each have our own "jobs". Funnily enough, it seems to have evolved naturally rather than me (or him) initiating it. We each play to our strengths really - Dh is a good cook, I am rubbish, so he makes the meals. He is rubbish at cleaning/tidying so I keep the kitchen and living room clean. DDs do their own rooms. He deals with all the finances and I do all the washing. He is a morning person and I am not, so he gets the dds up in the morning whilst I have a lie-in with ds.

Does he have strengths/weaknesses that you can work with like this? If so it may mean he is far more likely to stick to his side of the bargain.

miaou, we do actually work things the way you do, very similar in fact.
I think it's the constant deference to me that gets me. Capability is sexy and life-affirming. I dislike his slightly incompetent act.
TBH I wouldn't care if he didn't actually do as much as he does, if only he would do it off his own bat.
When I started this thread it was because I'd given him some strict instructions about dd's day - important not arbitrary things - and he screwed them up, which really mattered. Leaving me to think, god I could do all of this so much better and why the hell can't you be better at these relatively simple things? Then I realised how much I direct him or tell him or prompt him and I have had enough of it.
From now on, he gets a 'Have you checked?' and a hard stare.

I am still mad about it, I am avoiding going to bed...

you have to write lists. I know you shouldn't have to, but thinking along those lines is just going to make you cross and won't change anything.

you could do a list of "things that need doing every week" eg bins out on Monday, clean out rabbit cage on sunday, take ds to cubs on wed, or whatever. stick it on the fridge or pinboard and make sure he knows that those things are his responsibility and if he doesn't do them they won't get done and he will have to sort out the fall-out.

then periodically give him a list of things that need doing and when they need doing by. tell him you are doing this because you need to share the load, it is safer to write it all down because then you remember what you need him to do and he has clear instructions, and you would rather do it this way than keep nagging him which makes you feel bad and he can't enjoy much either.

Men like lists. He can bring it back and show you what he has done and you can praise him and tell him what a great help he is

lists, lists and more lists! I e-mail him lists, text him lists and even put one in his packed lunch!

I made a deal with myself over this matter Pruni. It was along the lines of "the day that he provides for me financially is the day that I will provide for him domestically".

Have since decided it would be easier to live with a career woman who hasn't got her own children so am now working on being a lesbian.

blimey, I'm one lucky lady by the looks of this thread .

DP doesn't cook (except bacon butties, frozen pizza, that type of thing), but that is ok because I enjoy cooking.

I did have to teach him how to use a washing machine and how to iron a shirt when we fiirst moved in together (because MIL is the type of mum who prefers to keep all that stuff in her own arena), but he is not a lazy or helpless type of bloke and will do "his" jobs without nagging.

Think you are right to keep prompting your dh to think it through himself though. It will empower him .

Like the writing down the timetable idea. Also, set a new rule that neither of you are allowed to leave a room without checking whether anything needs to be taken wherever it is you are going. My granny used to say 'never leave a room empty-handed'.

I think you have got some good ideas on here. I do feel like that some times too. I think having their jobs works well. DH clears the kitchen and loads the dishwasher, he empties it on the mornings I work, he finishes off the ironing when I have had enough (as long as I have done any awkward items of DD's), we clean on a Monday and he always hoovers upstairs (while I have the kids downstairs because DD is scared) and finishes off whatever I haven't got done in the day, empties the bins as required, gives DS his breakfast when I'm working, puts out the wheelie bins, gets my car out of the garage when I'm working, does the morning nursery run.

Anything else I have to ask him to do and he will do it - if he remembers. eg Last Thursday I was working so I asked him to get a chicken and mushroom pie I had made the previous week out of the freezer in the garage when he got my car out. He forgot. So I got home at 10 to 6 and started preparing veg to find out there was nothing to go with it. Wouldn't have been so bad but the kids needed feeding as well. I had to throw a quick pasta dish together.

Still I think if I work on something he does get gradually better.

Yes edam I never leave a room empty handed but atm I normally seem to be carrying a perfectly-capable-of-walking-18-month-old.

pruni, I can imagine how frustrating this must be for you! Actually I have to say it tends to be me who walks round in a dream and forgets to do things (eg filling the car with petrol, hence when dh went to fill it up for me he broke down in the middle of nowhere ). Dh is much more pragmatic and forward thinking.

It's not so much to do with practicalities as to do with a mindset, an attitude. Does he see the management of the house/family as "your area"? Dh and I have an attitude of shared responsibility which I think makes all the difference. (Sorry hope I don't sound smug - it's just luck really). He has GOT to change his attitude towards it, then you can move forward.

Have you tried talking to him about it? Tell him that he has to take a "joint responsibility" approach to the house and the family instead of acting like a kid waiting for instructions. All he has to do is do things and communicate that he is doing/has done them, rather than ask you what needs doing.

I bet in some warped way he believes he is paying you a compliment of inferring that you are "in charge" - sorry it's not funny really

Edam what a great phrase your granny had! I live by that rule but DH does not. He does things 'the Fiji way' which is slow and you can make two seperate journeys where one would do (collect dirty laundry while dropping off clean for example!)

Anyway, I have to add my name to the long list of those who feel they have to organise everything. DH has said in the past 'ask me to do it and I'll do it' but a) I don't want to have to ask and b) he doesn't remember or see things as urgent so some things get left for ages before I cave in and do it myself or wear him down with asking!

Things DH does:
Put the main bins out (but not the smaller kitchen bin which needs doing every other day)
Hoover (thoroughly but not often enough but I won't give in on that until DD is old enough for it to become a problem)
Mow the lawn (but not very often and his mum does it when she visits! )
Cooks about the same amount as me though less complicated dinners and did do more during pg and early days with DD. Whoever cooks, I clear up and clean, even if I've eaten out that night, grrr!
Does the cat's litter tray (since pg but not much in the previous 4yrs we had her!)
Sorts out insurance renewals etc
Helps (!) change the bedding
Does loft-related storage/clear outs
Occasionally tidies but has a higher clutter threshold than me
Sometimes cleans up bathroom with mould and mildew spray as this is bad for my asthma
We both decorate but he doesn't do diy
Changes nappies, bathes, reads to, plays with DD

I will refrain from writing a list of what he doesn't do - he says I focus on that and not on what he does do but it is hard to 'praise' him for doing what he does when I think he could do more and in any case where is the praise for me?!!! I suppose I worry that if I praise him, he will think he's doing plenty (actually he does anyway) and try to do less! I am on maternity leave so I accept that I will be doing more around the house because of extra washing etc related to DD but when I go back part time, I suppose I'll still have the same amount to do. I think I need to employ some of your techniques for that. FWIW I also now ignore the 'where's the...' questions for a couple of minutes as it is usually right in front of him, he just asks out of sheer habit and laziness!

I also feel a bit awful posting this but it's quite cathartic isn't it? I do appreciate him really and I had more reason to gripe when I worked full time and still did more work than now, when I do get some time in the day (when not MNing!)