FFS How to make DH do things ^properly^?????

[PruniStuffing]

I'm sure I'm not alone here. I know I'm not in RL, because I do not know any women who have dps who are totally competent, able to predict what will need to be done then either do it or organise for it to be done. I feel atm like I am swimming in treacle. I have to organise everything, and it's grinding me down. My dh is a lovely lovely bloke, but (what a cliche) seems not to listen at all and most of the time I am not a nag but tiredness and the relentnessness of it all is turning me into a shrew and I loathe that.

OK so I need a few practical suggestions to prevent me from strangling the man I love. What do you do?

Pruni "Capability is sexy and life-affirming. I dislike his slightly incompetent act" - have you actually said this to him? I just wonder because after years of doing all the adult thinking re child sock/cheerio/nit-comb logistics in our house, I recently cracked. And said his drippy deference to me on all things domestic management related was getting in the way of my loving, fancying and respecting him. (I really was at the end of my tether).
And like you I have a good, loyal dh who does his rather nesh best to pull his weight in the house and loves me and the children, so I feel like a cow posting this too tbh
But my eye-rolling, arm-waving ranting at the weekend does seem to have finally hit home. I think he could see the desperation in my eyes.
I hope you eventually forced yourself to turn in and were able to share with him how exasperating it is when you find yourself the only adult in the house.
Bozza at usually having your hands full of toddler. I make dd carry whatever it was I had in my hands

I've felt exactly the same frustration as you Pruni. I've found that one way to relieve my own irritation with dh's blindness to what needs to be done is to hand over responsibility for a whole area rather than the separate tasks. For example instead of saying the washing machine needs emptying or the ironing needs doing I've just asked dh to be responsible for the whole laundry process. He decides when to put the wash on. If the clothes get forgotten in the tumble drier it's his fault not mine and if he doesn't have a shirt ironed for work he has to get up early to do it, not me. The plus is that I am much less stressed about washing lieing around because it's not my problem. Th minus is I have had to learn to bite my tongue if things aren't done my way. It's actually harder to let go of the control than I imagined!

I once found a great little article on a NZ parenting forum about how to share domestic responsibilities. I'll try and find it again - but I do remember one of the things it said was "don't be a gatekeeper" - ie, accept that there is more than one way of doing something; & try to accept flexibility in standards.

I do know, goodness I know, how much easier that is to say than live. However the article was quite encouraging and practical and I left it very obviously lying around for dh to see.

Here we are, found it

It's sort of aimed at mothers WOTH but relevant to everyone I think. Also lots of other sense on that site.

Marina - what a good idea. DD is going to have her little hands full from now on.

I have found it does substantially reduce the requests for "carrieds" and "hogs"
shame she won't fit up the chimney!
I mailed that link to dh binkie, what a brilliantly unconfrontational way of socking it to 'em...thanks so much for it.

Well fwiw I think that you can't expect other people to do things in the same way as you. To expect it is rather control freakish and shows a lack of empathy.

DH does some things brilliantly and some things shoddily. I'm sure he has the same opinion of me. Unless it is something crucial (eg not reading the calpol bottle before dosing!) I just leave him to it or otherwise our relationship would degenerate into me or him nagging the other and the recipient of said nagging getting fed up with being nagged...then a row. What's the point of that? It's a self perpetuating nightmare.

Just relax a bit and try not to worry about unimportant stuff. So what if a shirt is a bit creased because he didn;t take the stuff out of the dryer immediately? It's not the end of the world to have to prepare an emergency meal, you wouldn't for eg mind it if it was because some good friends had dropped by unexpectedly.

I think the important thing to remember when dealing with any dh/dp is the nature of the beast.......and I am totally generalising here! They are not pro-active, unless it's to do with cars, football, rugby, cricket etc.. They have very selective memories; unless it's to do with cars, football, etc.. they are unobservant, unless....they will happily walk around a pile of their own dirty clothes and not notice them, they will not think about changing a nappy until they can stand the smell no longer, they won't think about getting lunch unnless they are
hungry!

They do really need to be led gently by the hand, 'cos if they're not interested, it will never happen without pushing goading or a LIST, which must be thrust under their noses.

They are not women, we must stop trying to make them think like us, they can't; and we are the only ones getting stressed trying, it's like water off a duck's back to them.

Let's love them for what they are.......men!

I am at my wits end with dp being useless too - and his pathetic excuses.

I printed off this in the end and stuck it up in the kitchen

Very good advice here and will definitely try some of it out.
I am wary of getting into list territory because the problem is that I don't want to be responsible for allocation of tasks. I am looking for us to work out some way whereby he can initiate things by himself. As I said before, it's not what he does - because he will happily do most things, albeit in his own time frame - but the 'Tell me what to do and I'll happily do it' attitude. I am knackered. I work, he works, we have dd, we are trying to keep some semblance of a social life going and I am at the end of my tether sorting out practicalities for us all. To have the load partially lifted...oh god just not to be asked about mundane things...would be wonderful.
The second thing about lists is that he reacts pretty normally to being ordered about like that, ie he hates it and quietly ignores me. I don't blame him. I don't know, maybe we can sit down and make a list together, I'll try at the weekend.
CD/SB it's true there is an element of control freakery in anyone who is trying to live a perfect and harmonious existence. TBH with us, it's not so much the standards that are different as the level of engagement - I want him to be more engaged to give me a mental break, not a physical one.

Marina, I have tried the "I'd shag you more if you didn't need me to ask you to hoover' line. Worked for about a week. Maybe that line needs another outing.

good luck pruni. but your bit about "I don't want to allocate, I want him to take the initiative" is what I meant by "you shouldn't have to write lists but if you expect him to change you will just get cross and it won't work" (I paraphrase). I hope it DOES work and he DOES suddenly become proactive, but if he doesn't it is easier to write a list than stew about it all and end up nagging as much as before, IYSWIM.

Anyway if you find something that works let us all know!!! We'll pay you good money for the secret....

"am i the only fking adult living here?"
"err no"
"dont we BOTH work very fking hard every fking day?"
"err yes"
"then shift yerself, am not yer p*ssin' lacky"

is how it goes in my house

or

"you have been home all fkin day today and its a sh*thole"
"i made tea"
"tea, TEA, TEA MY ARSE"

So glad to read this thread. Well, not glad exactly, Pruni, as I wish you weren't going through this, but glad it's not just me. It's the sheer mental exhaustion of being the one who always has to remember/take the initiative/hold the responsibility. It drives me mad. I find the odd days when I'm actually on my own are absolutely brilliant, because I'm not in 'constantly disappointed' mode.

It's definitely driving a wedge through my marriage so I wish I knew what to do to sort it out...

Message deleted

P.S. I'm going back to work full time in January and I've already suggested we hire a cleaner as that would take care of at least part of it, but he says he can't afford to chip in if I do hire one.

this thread is rather interesting because that is exactly what dx always used to complain about me for.

He was a control freak, there were only 2 ways of doing anything - his way and the wrong way. If I ever did anything off my own bat, he would come along and tell me I was doing it wrong, or that something else was more important so I shouldnt be doing it at all, or I should be doing it later.

Then, he used to complain that I never did stuff without being told!

So, ladies, examine your consciences please

Point taken - except that he never actually DOES anything, so there's nothing to criticise!!! lol

Nightynight I'm not that bad!! Actually, having had a couple of days at home and no more work pressure, I am feeling lighter than a few days ago. It goes like this - it builds up ('constantly disappointed mode' is spot on), then I relax and it releases a bit. It is fundamentally a problem, though, because neither of us has addressed it properly.
In many ways I don't care how he does things, but I care that I have to be the one spending the time and the mental energy - which I often don't have - either asking him/prompting him/reminding him to do things that are the responsibility of both of us.

Here is an eg:
We need to send a Christmas present to my father. This is no surprise, as it's Christmas next Sunday. I have thought about what to get him, and bought it. I have said to dh that the present needs wrapping, packaging up and sending. I haven't asked him explicitly to do it. This man has a PhD. He can work out the date and knows how the postal system works. The wrapping paper is out, as is the sellotape and a pair of scissors. My address book is lying next to all the necessary gubbins. All this is in the room in which dh is currently sitting. I just went down and noticed that he hasn't done it.

Why not? Because it's not been explicitly allocated to him to do. If I went down there and asked him to do it, he would (though I know I'd have to ask twice and point out that it needs doing before the post office closes).

This is a trivial little thing, but multiply it by ten times a day, that's seventy times a week that I have to ask him to do things. If just half of that mental load was lifted, my life would be easier and arguably his wouldn't be worse - since he doesn't have any problem with doing things.

Or I could got he way of some women and just do it all myself. Gee, what a choice.

I'm so sorry that there are so many of you in the same boat. Compared to some people's problems, it is fairly trivial, but my god it's boring. How can one have a sparky marriage if one half of it is inwardly seething, seventy times a week...?

pruni, dx used to do similar things! (dont worry I am not accusing you of being as bad as him!!) He expected me to be a mind reader, and know what needed doing according to his master plan, and when and how. Yes, its obvious to you that it needs doing - but you are the one holding the reins! As you have already bought the present, wrapping paper etc, I am not surprised that your dh assumes that you will also wrap it. Maybe you intend to add a letter, or an extra present? how does he know?

This is covered at length in "Surrendered Wives" which talks a lot about surrendering responsibility to your man, which means basically, let him take responsibility for a whole area, and mess up if necessary.

Honestly, I am not criticising you - obviously, I have thought a lot about this subject, because it worked so badly in my own marriage. Can only say, that where we had most success, was when dx could bear to let a particular area go, so that I could get on with it myself (eg day-to-day finances). His "areas" include stuff like renovating our house. Where we failed miserably, was when he was looking over my shoulder all the time, and allocating tasks one at a time and then expecting me to know what to do next without being told.

The only relationship I have ever had, that was so close that we would do things without being told, was sharing the kitchen with my mother before I was married. I never reached this closeness with dx.

pruni, i think we must be married to the same man! mine has a phd too!

mine doesn't react well to lists either, and like yours actually does a lot - we do have our separate areas of responsibility and get on with them. that works well enough as far as the day to day routine goes.

however, absolutely everything "ad-hoc" from buying the children's clothes, to christmas, to finding a nanny, booking holidays, the household finances etc etc etc falls to me. i get absolutely fed up of it. like you it's really the lack of engagement that pees me off.

sorry, sb, i don't agree with you that it's worth letting the men do a shte job of things. twice today i have had to make beds that were supposedly done by dh. they were a state. it goes to the "capable = sexy" point - my feelings were, "how could an intelligent adult not be able to make a bed fhs? how efin incompetent* is that?"

i also feel a complete cow for posting this

of course a nagging fishwife shrew isn't particularly sexy either

Hmm nightynight, food for thought.

Though I have to say, I err on the side of BK. Lack of engagement etc. It's not adult behaviour. It's teenage behaviour. And we have had the talk where I assure him that I don't have a masterplan for eg the hoovering and he's welcome to engage with it any time he likes.

Though NN I see your point about the present. Interesting about sharing the kitchen with your mother. You know, when we cook together it is poetry in motion so maybe all is not lost.