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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Please help, should I leave DH because of this???

91 replies

Bumsnetter · 18/09/2011 15:50

DH and I have 2 DS's and I have one DD from previous relationship although DH and I have been together since he was 1 and he calls him Dad. DD is now 6 and DH has a very short fuse with him but not with the others. The other DD's are better behaved than DD but it is still not on.

He was meant to go to counselling about this as has admitted he has a problem but it got better for a while and it was forgotten about.

This morning we were getting ready to go out and DD didn't want to wear a new pair of shoes as they were hard to get on and uncomfortable, I let her wear some others and DH came along shouted she looked stupid and looked like a prostitute .. He made her take them off and put the others on, she was in floods of tears and he then said she was being stupid. We got in the car and I told her she could take them off and I would get her other ones if they were that uncomfortable, DH came along as she was taking them off and screamed at her again, said she couldn't come with us. I turned on him telling him to stop and he said he wasn't oming then.

I followed him into the house to ask what the hell was going on and he said he would rther eat shit than come with us and shoved me out the living room door... I told him i don't want him there when we get back. am shaking .

OP posts:

Original poster

bumsnetter · 22/09/2011 20:05

I don't usually lose my cool with him and we only tend to argue once every few months. I did lose my cool on this occasion, I was furious with him.

OP posts:

onemoreminute · 22/09/2011 20:42

Is the house in only his name ?

Original poster

Bumsnetter · 22/09/2011 20:47

No, both of our names.

OP posts:

onemoreminute · 22/09/2011 21:05

Do you think relate will work ?

The lanuage he uses is horrible, calling your dd a prostitue calling you a spastic and fucking dick. Do you want it to work ?

Please don't let him make your dd think the problems between you are because she is 'badly behaved'.

Original poster

Bumsnetter · 22/09/2011 21:13

I know, I never grew up with that kind of language and find it quite upsetting. His family use this kind of language all the time, it is normal for them, his step Dad supports BNP and calls people pakis. His Dad uses the word c*nt all the time, they are very different to my family and our upbringings were very very different.

OP posts:

Original poster

Bumsnetter · 22/09/2011 21:16

He is a world apart from his family in some ways, he sees them for what they are and is embarrassed by their language/behaviour but it is quite deep rooted in him and can come out at times.

I think relate could work, he is intelligent and does take things on board although reading this thread anyone would think he was a monster.

My parents split up because I was badly behaved but my mum only told me recently! I would never tell DD this

OP posts:

onemoreminute · 22/09/2011 21:21

It wouldn't be your dd fault that 2 adults can't make it work.

I think it's good your trying relate and that you can see that you and your dd should be treated better, no matter how she behaves.

Original poster

Bumsnetter · 22/09/2011 21:29

When I say he has a short fuse with DD and not the others it's because DS is very placid and easy going. If he were to behave badly DH would shout at him too.

OP posts:

onemoreminute · 22/09/2011 21:34

Your making excuses for him again.

You can't blame a child for how an adult reacts to what they do.

He should be in control of his temper and if he's not then he needs to get help to learn how to control it.

Earthymama · 22/09/2011 21:36

I would not tolerate that language around my children/grandchildren, they will hear it, they will use it at school, they and your family will be judged and this will affect their lives. We all swear, I guess but not in this vile way.

I live in a community where this language is used by some families, and no, I am not friends with them, and no, the kids won't be coming for tea!!

I do feel just a little tiny bit sorry for him, against the grain of this thread, He is scared, scared he is like his family, scared and afraid of who he will be if he isn't like his family, scared of change, scared of you challenging him. He is at the tipping point where he has to choose and he is reverting to the known way of behaving to cope.

You know him, can he make this change? Can you get him away from this family? We have family who behave like this and contact is rare and brief.

I do feel sorrier for you but most especially your DD...you know that she has to be the focus of your love, care and concern. If helping your partner seems that it will take most of your energy then you must make choices that show her she is your priority and that her welfare must be his priority too.

I have experience in this and I can promise you will get through as long as your children know they have your heart.

ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow · 23/09/2011 07:48

My parents split up because I was badly behaved but my mum only told me recently!

Don't you see that you are letting a very damaging history repeat itself?

It's not the splitting up I'm talking about: it's adults blaming a child for their own choices and actions.

Your mother is scapegoating you for the breakup of her marriage, the same way you and your partner are scapegoating your DD by making her responsible for your P's outbursts. Only he can control his ourbursts; his mouth is not controlled by your DD.

She is a CHILD. She is YOUR child. She needs unconditional love and protection; she needs to be told and to be shown that she is important to you, that she is wanted, that she is heard, and that she is loved.

What you mother said to you is horrid, and is a sign that she is an immature and irresponsible parent who won't take responsibility for her life and chooses to blame your child self for the end of her marriage. Don't saddle your DD with the same kind of blame and shame; the poor soul does not deserve this.

Original poster

Bumsnetter · 23/09/2011 08:46

There is no way I would saddle my child with this kind of blame, I was just explaining my experience. The reason I want to either resolve DH's issues through therapy or to seperate from him is primarily for my children's sake.

OP posts:

mummytime · 23/09/2011 08:51

I totally agree with ItsMe.... maybe you need some counselling to discover the hurtful messages you have got from your own mother, and why you have such low expectations in a relationship.
Please do not blame your DD in any way for problems in your relationship. It may just be that your P shows his true colours and thoughts when dealing with her. If he doesn't by himself do something about it (such as arrange to see a counsellor), then I think she needs him to go.

babyhammock · 23/09/2011 08:58

My parents split up because I was badly behaved but my mum only told me recently! I would never tell DD this
That's an awful thing for her to say to you :(. You do know that don't you.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 23/09/2011 09:03

"The reason I want to either resolve DH's issues through therapy or to seperate from him is primarily for my children's sake".

Your H cannot resolve his issues through a few Relate sessions; he is several years work for even the most forgiving of therapists even if he did agree to attend and work on his myriad of issues.

I think any joint counselling where there is ongoing abuse meted out is a complete no. It won't work and he will dominate all the sessions and blame you for everything.

Counselling for yourself solely would be a good idea because your own relationship bar is seemingly floor based. Your own toxic parent mother was partly responsible for giving you such damaging lessons. You are both two damaged people who got together.

You'd be far better off separating; this cannot be saved and tbh its not worth saving.

onemoreminute · 23/09/2011 21:33

how did relate go ?

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