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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Please help, should I leave DH because of this???

91 replies

Bumsnetter · 18/09/2011 15:50

DH and I have 2 DS's and I have one DD from previous relationship although DH and I have been together since he was 1 and he calls him Dad. DD is now 6 and DH has a very short fuse with him but not with the others. The other DD's are better behaved than DD but it is still not on.

He was meant to go to counselling about this as has admitted he has a problem but it got better for a while and it was forgotten about.

This morning we were getting ready to go out and DD didn't want to wear a new pair of shoes as they were hard to get on and uncomfortable, I let her wear some others and DH came along shouted she looked stupid and looked like a prostitute .. He made her take them off and put the others on, she was in floods of tears and he then said she was being stupid. We got in the car and I told her she could take them off and I would get her other ones if they were that uncomfortable, DH came along as she was taking them off and screamed at her again, said she couldn't come with us. I turned on him telling him to stop and he said he wasn't oming then.

I followed him into the house to ask what the hell was going on and he said he would rther eat shit than come with us and shoved me out the living room door... I told him i don't want him there when we get back. am shaking .

OP posts:

CactusRash · 19/09/2011 09:43

This is the ONE thing I would concentrate on ;
He was meant to go to counselling about this as has admitted he has a problem but it got better for a while and it was forgotten about.

He knows he has a problem. He knows this isn't you who has a problem, who is too leaniant or whatever. But he has chosen not to do anything about it.

Now are you going to take all the responsability for what has been said & done or are you going to give that responsability back to him?
TBH the very least I would do is to tell him his behavior towards your dd is unacceptable. That shoving you was unacceptable. That you will NOT accept that one more time. Ask him to go and see a counsellor on his own and sort his problems out.
He needs to be in a position where, at the very least, he is apologizing for what he has done. Otherwise he is never going to do anything about it.
If thisng don't improve, you will have to take action.

So far, he hasn't shown any signs of wanting to change things. He is obvioulsy hoping that with time you will 'forget' about it and move on. And he won't have to face what he has done & said.
I'm sorry.

withLainintheWired · 19/09/2011 09:57

Calling a 6 year old stupid because her shoes hurt, and saying she looks like a prostitute in her hearing is truly awful.
Shoving you was wrong.

Tota1Xaos · 19/09/2011 10:05

agree with sunshine, I'ld hate to see you just leave this thread because you aren't about to leave him. btw shouting isn't good effective parenting, when I shout it's generally because I've lost patience/control.

notsorted · 19/09/2011 10:14

It's not for nothing that fairytales have so many wicked stepmothers. It is a fact that step parents do feel differently about kids who are not their own and given the age of your DCs together it is not surprised he is stressed. However, he is the adult and needs to be able to recognise what is happening and do something about it. Inisist on counselling for him, get him to open up about how he feels about the family situation. Both of you go to counselling. Older children will often seem more difficult than younger ones because you expect more of them. Big sister may feel resentful and feel pushed out by your siblings especially a baby who takes up a lot of your time, but there is the added complication of her not being his dad. If you are both willing to work on making this work then it will, if he doesn't acknowledge what is happening then it will get worse. Only you can judge where you think your relationship stands now and where it could go.

Original poster

Bumsnetter · 19/09/2011 10:16

Hi, well we haven't spoken, he did the school run and is now at work.

The fact that he hasn't apologised/accepted he was wrong is a clear sign he needs help.

I don't want him here if he is not prepeared to get counselling or anger management it really is that simple.

He was brought up by alcoholic parents who are both incredibly thick and scream and shout at each other/people in general all the time. He has come away remarkably untarnished considering but it is clear that his upbringing has affected him on a deeper level.

He was going to get counselling but I think for him it was a last resort and he would try and deal with his anger alone, it worked for a while (he genuinly is a great dad apart from his anger issues, he and DD either get along very well or not at all, he doesn't have the skills to deal with bad behaviour) but he needs professional help.

OP posts:

Original poster

Bumsnetter · 19/09/2011 10:19

sunshineandbooks- thank you

notsorted - yes I think these dynamics are at play in our family. DD is a very different personality type compared to DS who is very calm & placid.

He says he sometimes hears himself and he hates how he sounds just like his Dad, he acknowledges his behviour is wrong and he loses his cool all to easily but he doesn't have the skills to change it

OP posts:

sqweegiebeckenheim · 19/09/2011 10:40

FWIW, if a child in my Y1/Y2 class came to me and said "Daddy called me a prostitute" I'd be on the phone to SS.

Original poster

Bumsnetter · 19/09/2011 10:43

sqweegiebeckenheim - Ok thanks but that's not really very helpful, do you suggest I call social services?

OP posts:

springydaffs · 20/09/2011 09:10

Not sure why you've been left hanging there op - but I would ask him to leave the house for a short period (days/weeks not hours) while you both work out where you go from here. He knows he has a problem and he thought he could ignore it deal with it alone - he can't. Has he had any therapy etc re his childhood? Chances are he doesn't want to rake over all that horrific stuff but it needs to be put to bed and that is a process he needs to go through, probably with a professional for a period of time. He did it once and acknowledged his culpability but did nothing about it; now he's done it again. That's once too many!

onemoreminute · 20/09/2011 13:45

Have you spoken to your dh since OP?

Schnarkle · 20/09/2011 13:56

He's making you put the blame back onto your DD for HIS actions.

You've repeatedly said "she's strongwilled", "she's difficult", "she's confident...." and these are the reasons the 2 of them lock horns. So it's her fault, he would have you believe.

She's only going to get older and his resentment of her will grow stronger. He Will undermine her and will eventually break her spirit. If this continues.

ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow · 20/09/2011 13:57

The fact that he hasn't apologised/accepted he was wrong is a clear sign he needs help.

No. It's a clear sign that he has no intention of accepting responsibility for his own actions.

Only he can get help for himself. And only if he wants to. He has consistently failed to get help for a long long time now. He doesn't want to change. How much more clearly can he be showing you this? He doesn't want to change and you can't make him.

The only person whose behaviour you can change is your own. In this case: do you want to continue accepting his damaging behaviour towards you and your DD? Or do you want to say "No. No more." and back it up with meaningful consequences?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 20/09/2011 14:04

"The fact that he hasn't apologised/accepted he was wrong is a clear sign he needs help".

No it means that he is not prepared to take any responsibility whatsoever for his actions

"I don't want him here if he is not prepeared to get counselling or anger management it really is that simple".

Well you need to get rid because he will never agree to either. He does not think his actions are wrong

"He was brought up by alcoholic parents who are both incredibly thick and scream and shout at each other/people in general all the time. He has come away remarkably untarnished considering but it is clear that his upbringing has affected him on a deeper level".

It has affected him far, far more than you realise and he is certainly not untarnished as a result. I was totally unsurprised to read the above re him after reading of his behaviour in your initial post. We learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents and his own damaging lessons are deep within his own pysche. His childhood was ruined by his alcoholic parents and he's well on the way to ruining your DD's because that child is not biologically his.

What do you get out of this relationship now?. I would appreciate an answer to that question.

Why do you tolerate this and seem almost accepting of it?. I would only think he has done a real job on you to get you to a point where you are seemingly so confused as to the best course of action next.

You run a very real risk of having a damaged and perhaps beyond repair relationship with your eldest because she an adult could go onto accuse you of putting her stepdad i.e your H before her and will despise you too as a result for being too weak to stand up for her. That is what could happen if you stayed with this man for the long term. This girl is being cast as the family's scapegoat.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 20/09/2011 14:07

He has subtly conditioned you to a point where you are in the fog and is now starting on his step child. This will escalate further under your watch; he's already broken you.

LesserOfTwoWeevils · 20/09/2011 14:55

Please get rid of him and take care of your daughter.

AlfalfaMum · 20/09/2011 15:16

I have two childhood friends whose mothers stayed with abusive stepfathers. I remember when they were happy, confident girls. They're not happy or confident now because their own mothers put their men before their daughters.

wamster · 20/09/2011 15:36

This bastard needs to go. He is worthless and deserves to be punished. I'm always on the side of the homeowner and I do tend to say that when married whoever owns the house stays, however, this only applies to non-abusive situations.
The situation you are in is abusive, he is abusive. There are ways and means of getting such men out of your life.

I'm not going to pussyfoot around here; this man is dangerous. You need him out of your life. I appreciate this will not be easy-nothing worth doing is, nevertheless, the fact remains: he has to go. How you get rid of him is up to you. There are people who can help. Take them up on that help.

Carry on believing that he doesn't mean it. But he does. See the truth: he is an abusive arsehole. I am saying this and so are others here.
It may seem easier to put up and make amends now, but in the long-term this man will cause more damage. He is bad. He must go.

LadyMary · 20/09/2011 15:43

His behaviour is appalling. Just really, really upsetting. That's all I can say, really. What do you think, OP? Is this the sort of man you want to bring up your children?

Proudnscary · 20/09/2011 16:21

What AlfalfaMum says. Put your child first. Or, apart from the damage he is doing to her self esteem, she will never forgive you when she's old enough to process what went on.

And my 10 year old ds wouldn't understand the word prostitute let alone my 7 year old. It's so deeply inappropriate.

AnyFucker · 20/09/2011 18:25

My father was like this all through my childhood

It's a very long story, but suffice to say although I hate my father for it, I despise my mother more for staying with him and not protecting me from it

I also believe some of the terrible decisions I made in my teens were as a direct result of having my self esteem ground down into the ground

wamster · 20/09/2011 19:09

Without wishing to all hippie-dippie or anything, but don't sacrifice tomorrow to have an easy ride today. I'm not saying getting him out of your life will be easy and sorry to take the 'just leave' attitude mocked by many, but you know while I am all for working things out the answer is that when somebody is abusive the relationship should end. This isn't an argument about who does the washing-up or a man needing a kick up the bum to do a bit of housework cos mummy did it all, or a love life needing spicing up or any number of 'workable' issues that happen in relationships: this is a clear case of one member of a relationship being clearly abusive.

So, logically, he won't change and things should end. You may find that relief sets in that helps negate some of the practical issues. Just a feeling of relief from an abusive situation helps people get through the distress of a break-up. This may be worth bearing in mind when it seems too much.

sqweegiebeckenheim · 21/09/2011 00:52

no OP, I'm saying the situation is more abusive to your little girl than you seem to giving it credit for, and if other adults in her life were aware, they may act on it.

Original poster

bumsnetter · 22/09/2011 19:36

Hi, I'm back. Ok.... I asked him to leave and he said 'No way, if you want to go you go but you can't chuck me out my own house'.

He said that the reason he lost his cool with DD was because it was teh final straw, she had been badly behaved all day and her refusing to wear her shoes was what made him shout. He says she didn't even hear the prostitute remark, he meant the boots looks all big and silly on her as she is a child. He said that I owe him an apology for asking him to not be there when I got back and teh only reason he shoved me out of the room was because I said he was a fucking selfish arsehole, which admittedly I did, I was fuming by this point & DC's where in the car out of earshot. He also said I shout at DD when she is badly behaved but it seems he isn't allowed to and I have double standards.

After I asked him to leave or get therapy he said that he pulled the short straw marrying me as we so rarely have sex! He said if anyone needs therapy it is me.. We talked and he agreed to go for counselling if it meant we would stay together as he didn't want to be separated from his children.

The last few days have been fine, he has been sweetness and light to DC's & me and I have made an appointment with Relate for tomorrow... Then this evening we were talking about being kind, he said he thought I was unkind to him for asking him to leave. I pointed out he had called DD a prostitue and he raised his voice called me a spastic and a fucking dick and said I had something wrong with me, he said no way had he called her a prostitute, he said she looked like one out of her earshot because of teh silly boots I'd bought her. He said 'I bet you've told your whole family I said that' and then refused to eat his dinner............ I calmly said how dare you speak to me like that, I think you owe me an apology and he said I should just forget it.

This is an emotionally abusive relationship right?

OP posts:

RabbitPie · 22/09/2011 19:44

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

ShutchaBoat · 22/09/2011 19:57

He sounds very, very immature and like he has a real problem with his temper. yes, i would call his behaviour abusive. The relationship sounds very poisonous. It isn't healthy for you both to be effing and blinding at each other and name-calling every time you argue.

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