Please help, should I leave DH because of this???

[Bumsnetter]

DH and I have 2 DS's and I have one DD from previous relationship although DH and I have been together since he was 1 and he calls him Dad. DD is now 6 and DH has a very short fuse with him but not with the others. The other DD's are better behaved than DD but it is still not on.

He was meant to go to counselling about this as has admitted he has a problem but it got better for a while and it was forgotten about.

This morning we were getting ready to go out and DD didn't want to wear a new pair of shoes as they were hard to get on and uncomfortable, I let her wear some others and DH came along shouted she looked stupid and looked like a prostitute .. He made her take them off and put the others on, she was in floods of tears and he then said she was being stupid. We got in the car and I told her she could take them off and I would get her other ones if they were that uncomfortable, DH came along as she was taking them off and screamed at her again, said she couldn't come with us. I turned on him telling him to stop and he said he wasn't oming then.

I followed him into the house to ask what the hell was going on and he said he would rther eat shit than come with us and shoved me out the living room door... I told him i don't want him there when we get back. am shaking .

wrong not wron

You are the only person your dd has on her side. She needs to come before him and he shoved you.

He sounds like he's trying to control you both.

Do you want your daughter thinking this is ok?

He has never shoved me before and DC's didn't see it happen, i'm certainly not saying its ok though.

i'm just so confused and don't really have anyone i can talk to about it. not sure whether to ask him to leave tomorrow. he hasnt even apologised

If this is left unchallenged then the Bumsnetter's DD has been sent a very loud and clear message that she doesn't matter. Her role is the family scapegoat. It is ok for her to be emotionally abused (which may escalate to physical abuse if the shoving incident is anything to go by) and she is being unreasonable if she expects anyone to stand up for her.

Bumsnetter has been very candid about the fact that is a long-term problem and it's escalating. This poor child has probably been bullied in her own home for quite some time now.

From the OP I suspect Bumsnetter knows this and is probably posting to get validation, support and to summon up the courage to deal with it, rather than looking for people to say "it's ok, you're over-reacting, you don't need to do anything."

Bumsnetter I hope you get the help you need to do what is necessary.

I feel horrid for your little girl growing up in a house where she is spoken to like that and then everyone carring on like everythings normal, poor thing!

He is strict and shouts at dd but she can be badly behaved so i get confused about whether i'm too lenient. he certainly has a short fuse. i dont know how i would cope on my own with 3dcs though youngest is 9 months.

Why the fuck did you have 2 kids with someone who needed counselling because of the way he feels about your dd??
Too late now.
You are heading for years of resentment and a screwed up dd1 if this continues.

I think your being selfish worrying about how you would cope. YOUR dd should have better and if she is badly behaved then i bet the way you are letting your dh treat her has something to do with it !

I agree with Sunshine, this sounds like a horrible environment for your DD, and you are right to be horrified by this incident.

why was the prostitute remark aimed at you?

your poor little girl, she knows she was called something horrible today, even if she doesn't understand that word.

In 10 years time your dd will think her step dad treated her like crap and her mum let it happen if you don't sort it out.

I feel so sorry for your dd.

He is a bully and a prick.

You are no better if you let this continue.

What should I do?

DD is a very happy girl, she's confident and has a strong personality which is why her and dh lock horns. i am a lot more lenient than him, he won't stand for any bad behaviour whereas i dont really shout, this frustrates him.

Put your daughter first.

Protect her from this bully.

THe forst thing you need to do is exactly what you have done - you've called him on it and told him to stay away. You need to insist on that and ensure he gives you as much time as you need to think ahead. Do not let him pressure you into just a few days or a given date. His behaviour caused this problem therefore it is him who has to deal with the consequences. It's not your problem to worry about where he stays or for how long.

In your shoes I'd extend that short-term meausure to a permanent one, because experience (my own and many, many more women) has shown me that abusers hardly ever change, and even those who do don't do it overnight - it can take decades to effect real change and your DD doesn't have that.

You cannot stay with a man who abuses your DD and treats you with no respect simply because you are worried about how you'll cope without him. I'm not judging you for it because it's an understandable fear, but the only real reason to stay with someone is because you want to, not because you are scared to leave.

You certainly wouldn't be the first single mother of three to be scared of coping. The vast majority cope perfectly well. Anticipation of it is nearly always worse than the reality.

You may actually find that you are given a new lease of life, because I would actually bet my mortgage that your 'D'H is subtly manipulating and abusing you as well as your daughter in a myriad of subtle ways that make you feel like you're constantly on the back foot without every quite knowing why. Leave that and you'll probably rediscover your energy, drive and enjoyment of life.

When I told him i didnt want him here when i got back he said it wasn't just 'my' house. Shall I insist?

You put your dd first. You are just as bad as him if you don't stop him treating her like this.

You seem to be making excuses for him now and saying its a result of her behaviour. Her behaviour is to do with how she feels.

I'm not making excuses, just trying to give a more complete picture

If he refuses to do as you've asked I'm afraid that speaks volumes about how he views you and your relationship. It would show a definite lack of respect for you and a refusal to accept that he is in any way in the wrong. And if he can't see what's wrong with his behaviour there's no hope at all for your DD (or for you ).

By insisting on it you are demanding that he see you as an equal whose feelings matter. If he barges in, you could always phone the police and have him arrested for threatening behaviour. It's unlikely they'd hold him for more than a few hours, but as messages go, you'll have sent him a powerful one about how you will not stand for being treated as a doormat and you will defend your DD to your utmost ability.

Failing that, is there anywhere you can go?

i'm going to bed now as feeling quite drained but will check back tomorrow, thanks everyone

No nowhere, otherwise definately would

Bumsnetter please don't feel that you are a bad mother or making excuses. People are saying 'leave' because they quite rightly fear for your DD's welfare, but when you're the person in the middle of the situation it is never that obvious.

You've actually made a huge leap by posting on here because you have recognised that his behaviour is wrong and to such a degree that it may be worth splitting up over. Some women in your decision have been so conditioned by their partners that they never see that.

To have got this far takes courage. Hang on to that and use it to help you through the next stage.